I guess the vast majority of you guys have a pet that’s close to your heart. Pets are good for us; there are lots and lots of studies saying that if you look after a pet, your health and wellbeing can improve. Caring for a pet can be therapeutic, and give your life that element of ‘drive’ that you lack. Caring for someone else gives your life meaning; when you are personally responsible for whether an animal, or other person survives, almost everyone finds themselves rising to the task. Pets do gain personas and become, for most intents and purposes, people. They cease being ‘the dog’ or ‘the cat’ pretty quickly, when you treat them a little like children.
Now, as I’m sure you’re all well aware of the phrase ‘A pet’s not just for Christmas.’ Yes, pets are delightful when they’re young. Those blind kittens crawling around and bumping into their surroundings; those tiny puppies that scamper around and bite your toes/eat shoes. I think we all one of those baby tigers that stays small and adorable for all eternity:
Unfortunately, pets grow up. Those cute little kittens become wily, fat cats. Before you know it, your pet’s coercing you with those cute, pleading eyes for yet more food. Meww. Mewwww. But your bowl is full, missy. Oh, you want some fresh food, with the yummy jelly still on it? OK, fatso. Move on a few years and old age hits them. They turn from cute, fluffy bundles into angry, bitter lumps of matted fur that swing wildly at your ankles as you walk by them.
I’d be grateful to have a cat that just rakes my ankles; sadly my cat’s taken the other route — senility and crippledom. Mango (for that is her name) used to be a lovely cat. She has never been overly friendly — and she doesn’t like being picked up — but she filled her role as a fluffy rabbit-catcher that occasionally sat on my chest in bed, restricting my breathing, to prove she loved me.
Now bear in mind, as I write this, my emotions are tainted by the smell of cat shit that emanates from just below my computer chair, where I just tidied up her latest bout of feline incontinence. The smell of kitty pee wafts upstairs from her favourite urination spot. Right now, I’m not feeling a whole lotta love for Mango.
Gone is the lovable chest-sitter; she’s been replaced with an arthritic wild-haired beast that’s covered in scabs. Her back legs only just function, so she has to drag herself around with her front legs. It’s awfully funny to watch her walk crab-wise across the kitchen floor, and occasionally fall backwards when she puts weight on her ass. She even sits with her legs splayed out, around the food bowl, to keep balance.
For a while, I envisaged building her some kind of skateboard for her hind legs. I was inspired by a beggar that I met in Rome that was was some kind of cripple/paraplegic that pulled herself along, while she sat on a skateboard (have a look at this, for the proof of concept: Skateboard with your hands). That was, until she started shitting on my floor. And pissing. There’s just something about the ammonia content of cat urine that just… ugh. Nasty stuff.
So now I play the kind of grandchild-looking-after-his-incontinent-and-senile grandmother role. I take her downstairs to the food bowl; I take her outside to do her business. Sometimes I stand there in the dining room, waving her between the kitchen and the front door, asking her which way she wants to go. I try damnit, I try. But on the occasion that I forget to do the above, she rewards me with a lovely steaming pile of shit by my computer chair. That’s gratitude.
At least when my mother (or grandmother) finally gets to that stage, there exist helpful solutions — like adult nappies (diapers, for the Americans). And awesome mobility vehicles that they can charge around in. Maybe someone should invent such things for old cats and dogs!
andhari
Jan 30, 2009
I love baby tigers, I always wanna keep one but then im afraid it will eat me someday..
sebastian
Jan 30, 2009
Well you are awfully small.
You’d just be an afternoon snack for a tiger, I imagine.
Maddie
Jan 31, 2009
i saw the title of this and it reminded me of the cat in the hat. i was really hoping the whole entry would rhyme. you are kind of a disappointment to me right now….please work on fixing that.
Maddie
Jan 31, 2009
i did however appreciate the “wet pussy” pic you have on here….so all is not lost
sebastian
Jan 31, 2009
I’m afraid I’m not quite at that level of creative writing yet.
However, if you do it, I’ll follow your lead and also do a rhyming entry too!
I’m glad you like my pussy.
Wait… we have this conversation all inverted…
Maddie
Jan 31, 2009
yea, wtf?! shouldn’t you be saying how you like my pussy wet?
although that could be odd because we never even met.
i’m sorry that your creative juices aren’t flowing
i’m not really sure where this rhyme is going
if you were at my level you would hit blogging fame
ok, i’m stopping this now because i feel really lame
sebastian
Jan 31, 2009
Wet pussy, dear, wet pussy. I know it’s only a slight difference, but an important difference.
At least until we know each other better.
Perhaps I could write you a little love letter.
In the letter, there’d be a sweet little word,
We’d make love until we were the parents of a herd.
Maddie
Jan 31, 2009
ok, i had to switch the words wet and pussy for the sake of the rhyme!!!
making love sounds fine with you i think,
but if there’s a herd of kids involved i will need a big drink
how about we stick to using some protection
until then, feel free to send a love letter in my direction
sebastian
Jan 31, 2009
Who needs a drink when you have rohypnol
Just a small dose, I don’t want you to be completely dull
But maybe you are dull, you started talking of protection,
I really thought you were going to talk about my mighty erection.
Maddie
Jan 31, 2009
protection from pregnancy is what i meant
perhaps the morning after pill would be money well spent
lets get down to it and talk about that erection
what’s your size, are you cut, do you curve in any direction?
also where is the love letter you were to show
you won’t get in my pants for free you know
sebastian
Jan 31, 2009
You must blind, if you can’t see a letter,
It’s right here, not written and sealed, it’s so much better.
A mighty tale of how I came to impregnate you,
With my dead-straight 8 ‘n half inch iron screw.
Maddie
Jan 31, 2009
well damn, i can’t top that.
actually, i will just get out of hand and should really quit now, but i’ll leave you with this:
how dare you think i’d dull! i’m a red head, i’m wild!
i’m just not ready to give birth to your child
besides, you simply live too far away
but if you are ever in the states, i’ll show you how we play
sebastian
Jan 31, 2009
I envy your self-control!
Well damn, I’m not due another trip to America for a while,
But when I next visit, I’ll turn up at your door with nothing but a smile.
Maddie
Jan 31, 2009
Nothing but a smile? Perhaps you should consider a loin cloth. I have neighbors you know….
sebastian
Jan 31, 2009
Prude.
Maddie
Jan 31, 2009
oh no you didn’t!!! i would just prefer not to be evicted. we can have plenty of naked time in my apartment though….no worries
sebastian
Jan 31, 2009
That sounds awfully like you’re trying to win me over. I think this is when I sound a little uncertain, and you try to sweeten the deal.
Maddie
Jan 31, 2009
i never try to sweeten a deal. if you won’t have me, i will simply find another who will. i’m not a man eater, but i am a man recycler =)
sebastian
Jan 31, 2009
I don’t wanna feel like I’m just another notch on your bedstead! I want to feel special.
Maddie
Jan 31, 2009
i apologize. i have nothing special to offer you. you have clearly come to the wrong girl.
my bed post is not too full of notches though.
sebastian
Jan 31, 2009
That just means you’re like me — you cut them nice and small, so you can fit a lot into a small space.
Maddie
Jan 31, 2009
haha…not quite…
do you admit to being a manwhore?
sebastian
Jan 31, 2009
God no, I just didn’t want to be upstaged by a GIRL. On my OWN blog of all places!
I’m not pretty enough, or self-confident enough to be a manwhore — if I ever wanted to be one, anyway!
Maddie
Jan 31, 2009
so you think you are better than me since i am a GIRL? haha
not self confident enough??? you just talked to me (a girl you don’t really know) about your penis size
and getting me pregnant.
also, you look mighty pretty in the photos at the bottom of the page where you are all decked out in pink=)
sebastian
Jan 31, 2009
*preens* (Yeah, I like pink, it’s my favourite colour!)
It’s a long story… I’ll blog about my lacking self-confidence one day. Basically, I was bullied — so I happen to be not very good at making the change from making a girl laugh (very easy), to the ‘Hey, wanna sleep with me?’ bit. I’m working on it though; I’m honing my technique.
I seem to have done quite well with you.
Maddie
Jan 31, 2009
what can i say? you were just quite the charmer.
i wasn’t really bullied as a kid, but i sure as hell was not one of those popular girls in school. i was, i guess, just content with drama and art people. i have no technique which is why i’m single. that, and the fact that i am picky, i live in the middle of nowhere, and the only men i know and work with are gay.
(i like pink too! i never wear it though. it looks bad on red heads)
sebastian
Jan 31, 2009
Ach, red heads… The second girl I ever kissed was a beautiful red-headed girl. Slim, huge breasts… Turned out she liked girls. I was the last guy she kissed… (Great for the ego)
Not kissed another since (although not by choice, I simply don’t know many red-heads, sadly).
So you just hit on guys on the internet, and pray they never turn up to your little house in the middle of no where? Or do you pray they DO turn up? A bit like a dryad that desperately tries to woo men back to her grove…
Maddie
Jan 31, 2009
wow, thanks for the “ach, red heads.” really heart warming. haha. i am curvy, have huge breasts, but do not like girls.
haha.
oh cocky, you think i am hitting on you? i usually don’t try and lure men back to my little apartment in the middle of Iowa to be exact. if i do lure them back though i usually like to dismember them slowly and wear their skin as a coat…kinda like silence of the lambs.
so do you just talk dirty to girls on the internet and pray they fly out to the uk where you can woo them?
sebastian
Jan 31, 2009
Ah, you’re sensitive too, like every other red-head I’ve known.
It was more ‘och aye… red heads…‘ — if you listen to my latest audio clip, imagine the ‘ach’ in Scottish. Kind of like a deep yearning…
You’re saying all the right things, and asking all the right questions. Silence of the Lambs happens to possibly be my third favourite film of all time.
It tends to be the other way around — I travel, and try to meet up with the girls I know on the way. One or two have flown out here though…
Maddie
Jan 31, 2009
i’m not sensitive. i have no emotions. i am actually a very passive person.
i listened to the scottish clip. the accent needs a bit of work. so now you are yearning for me?
what are your first fave films of all time?
i doubt i will be flying out to the uk anytime soon. my budget is tight. i also have a slight fear of flying across oceans.
where are your next travels taking you?
sebastian
Jan 31, 2009
Sorry, I was trying to sort some photos… 400 of the bastards to go through. Damn digital.
The accent DOES need work, but instead of working on it some more, I’m just never going to do it again. Much easier solution…
Probably a couple more European destinations, and then Egypt I think. I want to do the Far East, but that probably won’t happen this year (unless I suddenly become very famous for something other than my massive member). Sadly I’ve done America a few times… so you might have to conquer your fear of flying across oceans.
Maddie
Jan 31, 2009
wow, that’s a lot of pics! glad to hear you won’t be attempting the accent again. if at first you don’t succeed….give up. no use making a damn fool of yourself! =)
egypt sounds cool! i want to make it to israel some day and the dead sea…and then the mediterranean. someday i will conquer my fear. i need to conquer some cash though first.
some parts of america are indeed sad. iowa is one of those. you even get depressed as the seasons change. this disease is actually called s.a.d.
if you and your massive member become famous, maybe i will consider flying across the sea to see it…i mean you….see you of course
sebastian
Jan 31, 2009
I think having that little snippet on the site is proof that I’m not afraid of making a fool of myself! Just wait until you hear the Pakistani…
I keep getting invited to Israel (I have some family there), but I really fancy the Nile cruise and the pyramids! But the Dead Sea is meant to be pretty awesome too.
We will be eagerly awaiting your arrival.
Jossie Posie
Feb 2, 2009
Thats why I don’t have cats…aside from the fact that we don’t really like each other dog piss doesn’t smell as bad. Even on a bad day.
sebastian
Feb 2, 2009
My dad and I have always wanted a dog; but I think my mum was worried that we wouldn’t have the time to take him for walks and things…
And aren’t there issues with big gardens and dogs? You have to fence them in or something…