You might’ve gathered from my last few entries that love and lust have been just a tad on my mind recently.

Yeah...  I make weird pictures... for girls...

Yeah... I have been known to make weird pictures... for girls...

Why? Well, it’s been 14 months now since I last had a girlfriend. That’s 14 full moons, 400 showers and 5 seasons. Very close to five hundred, twenty five thousand, six hundred minutes (I’m a dork, sue me). I’m not one to linger on such thoughts, not for longer than a few minutes anyway, but my thoughts do tend to wander back to my ex-girlfriends when I’m in bed. You know, analysing the usual ‘What if?’ scenarios (not only girls do that!)

I was thinking, amongst other things, if I still had a girlfriend now, would I struggle with the current economic climate on Valentine’s Day? Should I let my diminishing income effect how I show my love for someone? Of course not! You can’t scrimp and save when it comes to love and… um… lust.

Now, I’m not saying that the amount you spend is directly proportional to your love for that special someone — God no. I’m sure your little flufflepie doesn’t want you to go broke at their expense. But, really, when it gets right down to it, money is only really effective at one thing: improving the life condition of other people. Buying yourself a new iPod is nice, but buying a new iPod for someone that’s never had on before — that’s a whole lot better.

I’m one of those people that refuse to buy shitty gifts. If I have to choose between buying someone a crappy chocolate selection, or not giving them anything at all… I’d rather just give them nothing at all. I’ll smile and shrug apologetically; ‘Sorry, I could find nothing that I thought you would like’ I’ll say. Why buy a collection of soaps that they’ll never use?

Gifts, and giving are all about showing you care. It’s about showing that you were thinking of someone in particular. Caring is about knowing someone’s needs and wants, and trying best to accomodate, or cater for those specific requirements.

Luckily, most people rank ‘passionate love/lust-fueled sex’ fairly high on their list, so being a loving, caring partner on Valentine’s Day is pretty easy. Luckily, girls like pretty flowers. I imagine women have a harder time finding things for their boyfriends, but I’m sure if you’ve really run out of ideas, setting some kind of romantic trap for when he comes home is more than enough. If you’re spread eagled and resplendent in sexy lingerie, poised sexily on the dining room table, or the 4-poster bed, that’s probably enough to please us men. We’re incredibly simple creatures at times; it’s a blessing and a curse, right, women?

What if you want to do something a little bit more… romantic? Flowers are nice, but a bit repetitive. Surely some couples see Valentine’s Day as ‘yet another night of trying to spruce up our sex life’. What options are then available to you? How about tickets to see a show on Broadway or the West End, and then quickly nipping back to one of these fine pay-by-the-hour hotels, while you both still have some hot passion coursing through you?

That’s right, our lovely daily newspaper The Guardian has collected quite a number of… lusty… hotels for those of you that want to mix it up a little — but on a budget. Why pay for an entire night at a hotel, when you can only really go at it for a few hours, before things start to chafe? Or perhaps you’re only good for just an hour or less…? (You have my condolences, if this is the case). Anyway, this list contains hotels all over the world (the Guardian are thoughtful like that — you never know when you might be stuck in Japan with an erection that needs immediate attention, after all), but my favourite has to be ‘La França’ in Spain (why is it called La França…? Anyone speak Spanish?) which although it doesn’t have an hourly rate, it’s incredibly cheap and… it has curtained parking bays! Yes, that’s right, you can draw a curtain around your car, so no one can see that you’re parked there. How’s that for discretion?

So now that I have a foolproof plan for Valentine’s Day that promises to be lovely, romantic and passionate… I just need a girl to spend it with. Hmm.

So there I was having a steamy shower...
Procrastinating... Ooh, photos!


I am a tall, hairy, British writer who blogs about technology, photography, travel, and whatever else catches my eye.