I’m writing this while offline, because it being England, and not some Western, developed country, we’ve had yet another power cut. At 2:20am. There’s nothing quite like being plunged into instantaneous darkness, only to be saved moments later by my laptop screen illuminating my hands and face.
So, where was I…
Ah yes, I was waking up, the morning after the night before; the night of banana-oriented depravity. Bananas had been consumed in vast quantities (well, why not?) and we’d even seen girls try to eat them the other way around. I don’t mean they inverted the banana.
[singlepic=72,,,,center]It was time to kick back, relax and see more of what Amsterdam had to offer. Like raw herrings. Covered in onion. Their scaled bodies oily and eager to slip out of your grasp.
‘It’s a national delicacy, Seb.’
Suuuuuure. Let’s lure this guild leader to distant shores, and then trick him into doing something truly despicable. Let’s abuse him so that we always have something to resort to, if we ever need something to blackmail him with. So we jumped back into the boat and headed out to see some more of Amsterdam. The sun was out, and it was a beautiful day! With each of us armed with a bottle of Rosé we traversed what remained of the city, turning corners and passing under bridges; occasionally we would be swamped with the sickly sweet smell of marijuana — just part of the local microclimate, I guess.
Around lunch time, someone spotted a booth by the canalside; a raw herring booth. I gulped, my throat suddenly dry; it was time. Here I was thinking that the night before, with the banana, was bad enough. But no: it was time to deep throat the raw herring. ‘It’s the best way to eat them,’ I was told. ‘Just slide it as far in as you can, and then bite it off.’
‘And you’re sure this is a national delicacy?’ I asked, still uncertain if this was a trick, or actually a tasty morsel. ‘Sure, don’t you trust us?’
So there I was, wielding a raw, 12 inch fish, covered in onions. Just hold the tail and tilt your head back, they said. Then, I was erring, one of them raised the stakes: they had whipped out a video camera. There was now only one thing I could possibly do; the only thing that a manly, hairy, butch, misogynistic man can do in such a situation – I deep throated it; I went as far as I could go. I even gagged a little when one of the chunks of onion that was pushed into its skin was dislodged; but I carried on, like a martyr — nay, a hero. As I was gulping down centimetre after centimetre of the slimy fish, I knew that even if I never lived to tell the tale, that this was a story my guild mates would regale people with for years: how I died while trying to ‘experience’ their national delicacy.
[singlepic=75,,450,,center](That’s not me, as I’m the one holding the camera… It’s some crazy guy that actually LIKED them!)
I’m proud to say (are you listening, boys?) I got over half the fish into my mouth – about 7 inches – before I finally bit down and starting chewing. That’s when my real gag reflex kicked in. It was also around this point that those bastard Dutchies started laughing that kind of tears-streaming-down-their-faces laughter. There was no going back however, not for a beefy butch bloke like myself. I chewed, and chewed. Its limp, oniony body slowly being ground to a pulp in my mouth. I was going to make the most of this, I was going to savour the moment. Especially with the video camera still rolling.
I finally swallowed it down with a sip of Rosé and smacked my lips appreciatively. Knowing it would make me sound even more macho and cool I quickly asked ‘is there another?’ knowing that only a masochist would’ve bought more than one.
Sadly… I was dealing with a sick bastard, a sick bastard that had bought 10 damn raw herrings. ‘I have enough for everyone!’ I think I threw up a little when he said that.
To this day, I wish those canals weren’t so shallow, or there might’ve been one less evil Dutchman in the world today.
andhari
Feb 10, 2009
EWWWWWWWWWWWWW. You just did that so you look macho to them
sebastian
Feb 10, 2009
Well there was the chance that it actually tasted nice…
The flavour wasn’t SO bad; it was the TEXTURE… my God.
Maddie
Feb 10, 2009
Um, I love sushi, but that shit is just taking it to a new level! Gross.
Good thing I’m not a manly, hair, misogynistic male who “deep throats” things….
sebastian
Feb 10, 2009
I actually had sushi for the first time only weeks before that trip… Perhaps that’s why I was feeling all daring and stuff. Or perhaps I was just temporarily insane — both equally as likely.
You look pretty hairy to me.
Maddie
Feb 10, 2009
I’m not hairy! I shaved my beard this morning!!!!! I have a whole story on my blog about waxing thankyouverymuch! Haha, but I am pretty manly sometimes…kinda like a lumberjack. I wear a lot of flannel and plaid, eat lots of stacks of pancakes, and I was born in Canada.
Maddie
Feb 10, 2009
by the way- did you like the sushi?
sebastian
Feb 10, 2009
I… liked the sushi. It wasn’t ejaculation-at-first-nibble though.
I have a fun story about a sushi restaurant in Poland, but that’ll have to wait for another time!
Maddie
Feb 10, 2009
I typically don’t ejaculate when I eat raw fish either. weird!
sebastian
Feb 10, 2009
You’re obviously not in-touch with your body, unlike the other women I know.
I meant that those people that eat sushi are normally like: ‘OMG, SASHIMI IS LIKE THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD… EVER!!’
I’m glad to hear you’re Canadian; that’s probably why we get better than if you were an… ick… American.
Maddie
Feb 10, 2009
That last sentence made no sense. Please re-read it and make the necessary corrections.
I kid about being Canadian. I just really love maple leaves and saying “eh?” at the end of everything, eh?=)
I’m in touch with my body, I just don’t jizz my pants when I eat sushi. Chocolate though? I cream myself every time.
I’m glad I’m so lady like and not at all repulsive.
sebastian
Feb 10, 2009
I missed an ‘on’ there, otherwise it stands!
Shame you were only joking…
But hey, we can still be friends *hugs*
Steph
Feb 10, 2009
This is ridiculous, and of course so disgusting you just can’t look away.
I bet that video is riveting… Forcing yourself to choke down fish corpses is so manly.
sebastian
Feb 10, 2009
Ah, the first person to mention the video…
Let’s hope that never surfaces… or that it surfaces before I become rich and famous…
Does it make you want to swoon and hope I catch you?
pinkjellybaby
Feb 11, 2009
I couldn’t even read the whole of that because I was about to gag… it’s just not right!
sebastian
Feb 11, 2009
Sorry, I did wonder if I’d gone a little far…
But you made it through the Banana Bar story without problems…?!
Chele
Feb 11, 2009
deep throating a herring, i applaud you for that. This post was hilarious and disturbing at the same time