Before you get your hopes up, I didn’t actually take a photo of The Ultimate Pancake. But through a system of iteration and evolution… after 10 pancakes or so… I think I came up with a pretty damn epic pancake. It may or may not be the ultimate pancake, but I can probably safely say it’s more exciting and flavoursome than any pancake you might’ve had before.
To start with, you need a good pancake batter. Unfortunately the measurements are a little… imperial… To start with, you need the ultimate in accurate measurement — Girl Hands. Curious? You should be.
The recipe is:
- 1 Girl Hand of self-raising flour to each medium’ish-sized egg.
- Semi-skimmed milk.
Add the handfuls of flour and the eggs, beat furiously until mixed. Keep the girl available in case need more flour from her delightfully petite hands. Once it’s well-mixed, start adding the milk until it is the consistency of single cream (that’s ‘normal cream’ for the Americans, I think).
Leave to stand for 30 minutes, and you’re good to go.
(I really should’ve taken photos, but as I was making pancakes for about 15 people, I didn’t really have time. You’ll just have to believe me that I looked like some kind of whirling pancake chef dervish.)
Anyway, once you’ve cooked a pancake (hot pan, butter, thin), you’re left with the best bit — filling it, to create the Ultimate Pancake. (They’re called Palacinke, pala-chink-eh, in Serbia, did you know that? And a sandwich is a sendvich… I think they stole our words in both cases…)
You have to remember that I only reached this list of fillings after numerous attempts. By the 10th and final revision I was definitely starting to fade. My blood-sugar level was soaring, the fruit punch was coursing through my veins. I was having issues focusing on the frying pan. So you might want to take this list with a pinch of… salt. Or sugar. Whatever.
- 1 large strawberry, sliced
- Melted chocolate
- A sprinkling of caster sugar (you know, it wasn’t sweet enough before)
- A little lemon juice (just to off-set the sweetness a little)
- A handful of crushed meringue (a girl’s hand will do for this, but it’s a matter of taste)
- Clotted (heavy, heavy) cream. Or spray cream, if you’re watching your figure. I also tried one with vanilla ice cream, which was pretty nice too.
It doesn’t really matter how you put them into the pancake… I did it in the order listed above. Then you attempt to roll it, lift it into your hands reverentially, duck down a little and open your mouth wide (the ‘fajita position’ as I like to call it) and… GO! Oral orgasm will be incoming within 30 seconds, so scoff it all down before you start convulsing with joy.
And here’s what I looked like, bracing against the wall after about… 8 too many ultimate pancakes (or revisions thereof).
I don’t even think that spot was there before I started eating pancakes… can they develop that quickly?