The godlessness of lesbianism
Recently, my ego suffered a bit of a hit; I was dumped. My self-esteem, which has never been the greatest due to some bullying at school, was taken down yet another notch. It’s not something I should blog about though (those who follow my Twitterings will have some idea of what I’m talking about though!); I have never one to kiss and tell. Perhaps in a few years, when my feelings have been tempered a little and my nerve endings aren’t quite so raw.
I think the worst thing about being dumped is that it instantly brings back into focus all of the previous times you’ve been unceremoniously ‘let go’; no golden hand-shake, no pension — and most importantly, certainly no more sex.
I don’t know if it’s a ‘girl thing’, but when you’re dumped, why can’t the dumper tell you why you’ve been dumped? Why is there such a restriction of knowledge? It’s the unknowingness that is the most troublesome. When there are unknown factors, the human mind starts thinking; it starts formulating wild, implausible solutions to an unknown problem. Completely irrational scenarios are computed and rolled around in your head, each and every facet being analysed and fretted over — and then re-analysed and fretted over again!
I should probably be grateful that I’ve only been dumped and left in the dark twice. My first ever girlfriend (at the ripe old age of 18 — I was such a late bloomer) dumped me without even so much as a whisper of the reason. ‘It’s not you, Seb, it’s me.’ It was only a few weeks later that I found out she’d dumped me for a guy 7 years her senior; one that could drive, and shared her love of anime (I’d sell my soul to keep a girl I love… but anime? I have limits). At least I got a shag out of her before she dumped me, though… I guess I was too good to dump without one last orgasm. Used, and abused… my poor soul.
I want to tell you this story because on the flip-side, there’s also being dumped with too much information.
My next girlfriend was a great believer in full disclosure and as a result our relationship was passionate, if short-lived; like a firework! We’d not been dating for long, but I already knew every inch of her body; and she’d discovered bits of me that I didn’t even know existed. I was so blinded by the passion — the sex! My God, the sex! — that the lesbianism really was a curve-ball.
I knew she had a little bit of a history; those performing artist types always seem to have a history. Some were beaten and some were impoverished, and nearly all have experimented a little — or a lot — with the same sex. I guess it’s all about being dramatic and pushing the boundaries a little; exploring and poking at what really makes you you.
Looking back, I probably should’ve noticed, from the complete lack of boyfriends in her photo albums, that I was her first boyfriend. I was so blinkered and hormonal that when I added 1 and 1 together I somehow came up with 69. The fact that she was a Bible-toting and scripture-quoting strictly-religious girl also obscured her true sexuality from me. Christians are meant to be straight, right? That’s what the Bible clearly says! Looking back, we shouldn’t have been having sex before marriage either, hm…
But anyway, as I was soon to find out, full disclosure and a hedonistic lifestyle were going to quickly catch up with my poor arithmetic skills.
I was on my way over to her place for dinner. I had a lovely bunch of flowers and some bars of chocolate with me, for afterward (stealing a cube of chocolate from between a girlfriend’s lips is still one of my favourite ways to pass the time). I knocked on the door but strangely there was no response. I let myself in with my key (she liked it when I surprised her in the morning, before she was awake) and made my way to her bedroom.
It was then that I heard the whimpering. Quiet, measured panting, and whimpering.
I stood there for a while, transfixed. I put my ear against the door to make sure the noises were in fact coming from her room.
They were, and the panting was getting slightly erratic, and louder.
Uncertain of what to do in such a situation — this was only my second girlfriend, don’t forget, and certainly my first ‘no holds barred’ sexual relationship — I opted for the safe option. Going back to the kitchen, I called out her name.
‘Seb? Come in, we’re in my bedroom.’
I slowly pushed open the door. The image I was greeted with is still seared into my mind today. Two beautiful girls entwined in some kind of sexual embrace. The other girl was not quite as pretty as my girlfriend, of course, but she was still very easy on the eye. I couldn’t differentiate who owned each limb. My eyes danced, alight with delight, but not quite sure which body parts I should be staring at.
‘I thought it would be easier if I showed you like this, Seb’
Showed me what? That you’re still into girls? That you were never into boys? But you let me do things that no one should be allowed to do! WHY IS THERE A GIRL IN YOUR BED INSTEAD OF ME?
I had only recently watched The Exorcist, and watching this ungodly — but highly erotic — sex-act unfold infront of my very eyes, I was very, very tempted to bellow something sanctimonious at the top of my lungs. ‘By the power of Christ I compel thee to remove your tongue from that orifice!’
Being a red-blooded male, however, and not one to bite the hand that feeds, I decided to simply shut up and stare at their yummy, interlocked bodies some more. I’m told that I stood there for quite some time, licking my lips. Sadly though, for them, I actually turned and left them to it. I left her the flowers, but took the chocolate with — I was going to need some comfort food after that little event in my life.
To this day I still find myself wondering what my life would’ve been like if I had dived into that bed and been smothered with smooth, soft, lesbian kisses. You know that scene in American Pie where Jim is standing outside his bedroom, knowing full-well that Nadia’s inside, looking for action? That’s exactly how I felt, standing in the doorway, looking down at that landscape of lesbian limbs. Do I, or don’t I…
I believe I was her one and only boyfriend. She sampled the male race, and it was offensive to her tastes. Do you have any idea what that did, and still does, for my ego? I turned a girl gay. I think the only possible cure for that is to turn a girl straight, which I haven’t succeeded in doing yet — though that’s not for lack of trying.
Which reminds me, any gay girls out there up for a pleasant challenge?
But this story just goes to show that there’s a mid-ground between being told nothing, and being shown everything, OK girls? It also leads neatly into a rant on the hypocrisy and outmoded design of monotheistic religion…
Related posts:
- My next girlfriend? She was reborn during sex and became a priest…
- The grass is always greener
- I’m going to come right out and say it: I’m gay
I think you’ll find that it’s not only girls that do this. Nonononononono.
And actually, I’ve never done that. The first guy I dumped knew full well why (he met his now soon to be wife while he was still with me)…and well….all the others dumped me! With little or no reason or explaination… so THERE.
March 16th, 2009 at 5:37 pmOh, sorry… I’m sure guys do it too! Only, from my point of view, it’s generally girls that do it to me…
Did you try to chase-up the reason? Or just… grieved, got angry, and got on with things?
March 16th, 2009 at 5:45 pmWell from most (not so much bf but erm ‘flings’ shall we say) it was just the one thing they were after….and I got a bit fed up of that.
From the two proper boyfriends… I got a big long letter from one (it’s not you it’s me, we’re very different, I’m not good enough for you etc.) and the other one was just couldn’t make up his mind and I eventually met someone else.
I spent a long time wondering why and 6 months trying to fix the relationship with the ‘letter one’, thinking I needed to change. It’s only now a few years on that I’m sensible enough to realise that I wasn’t the one who needed to change, I did everything I could to make it work.
Ohhh look at me! chatter chatter….anyway. Forget her. Sod it. You’ll find someone nicer.
March 16th, 2009 at 5:50 pmwow this is the best break up story I have read, bittersweet.
March 16th, 2009 at 7:22 pmI dont tell the reason because I dont want the wound the ego even more, I am told I can be ruthless and cold so I hold back. The last guy I dumped still doesnt know that the fact he didnt have bedsheets was a major factor that I dumped him, if he cant figure that out for himself then he is better off.
I have lovely sheets! King-size ones, with lots of threads per inch!
Bittersweet indeed; with the buffer that years provide, it’s quite a nice mental image to be carrying around
March 16th, 2009 at 7:51 pmI don’t think that you made her gay… it sounds like she was already and was just ‘playing away’ for a bit of fun!
March 16th, 2009 at 7:59 pmI was just a BIT OF FUN?!
A bit of man meat on the side?
An aperitif of Adonis?
March 16th, 2009 at 8:16 pmI got dumped 3 times by a guy that was bisexual. He just couldn’t understand why I couldn’t accept him being bisexual. Apparently I was a freak to not understand, where as my friends totally see it my way. You screw boys, you don’t screw me after.
March 16th, 2009 at 10:45 pmYou got dumped…? 3 times?
You kept going back, to see if you could ‘turn’ him?
March 16th, 2009 at 10:48 pmi find it funny that you say “most importantly…no more sex” very interesting.
i think we all have been dumped one time or another. although i am usually the dumpee, i’m sorry for your loss. you are such a catch though Sebastian, I doubt you will stay single for long.
March 17th, 2009 at 12:29 amWell, I intentionally didn’t put important things in that list! I could’ve said ‘no more intimacy, no more companionship… and no more sex!’
But that would’ve been inaccurate… !
Sex is of course important, but less important than some other things! In my opinion, anyway…
I would rate Sex above A Leaving Bonus though…
March 17th, 2009 at 12:42 amsorry
that sounds harsh!
although i’m not sure why she’d think you offensive.. in that situation i think you did the right thing to leave rather than play out some lesbian menag-a-tois movie scene!
March 17th, 2009 at 1:49 amI hear she is still very much into the females… and I am happy for her! Well, as long as she leaves a few girls for me, anyway…
I’m the exclusive type, so the idea of a threesome doesn’t really appeal. It does slightly nag at me that I may never get the opportunity again though…
March 17th, 2009 at 1:54 amYOU were a late-bloomer? I’m 21 and I still haven’t officially entered the world of dating! haha, now there’s something I shouldn’t be admitting to…
March 17th, 2009 at 4:25 amThe vagueness tends to be out of concern for hurting people’s feelings. Big mistake, clearly.
I’m really sorry that happened to you…
Does my constantly hitting on you help? Or do you get enough of that already?
Well, we were BOTH late then, I think, in the grand scale of things! All of my friends had at least kissed a girl by the age of 16… And we were quite a slow group in general I think…
When is it considered ‘official’? When you’ve been dumped? When you’ve given a guy your number, and he’s called?
If it is actually out of concern; if the dumper is actually trying to save whatever is left of my self-esteem… I think I can live with that
Misguided, but still… there is at least some thought about it. Some empathy.
Flirting is always good. I just need to convert the flirting into actual … doing.
March 17th, 2009 at 4:35 amThat just sounded so dirty in my head
March 17th, 2009 at 4:40 amIt was meant to…
March 17th, 2009 at 4:44 amWhen girls don’t give a reason it’s because the real reason is deemed to be so awful your ego would never recover. In essence:
The truth? You can’t HANDLE the truth!
In my vast experience of breaking hearts *cough cough* I’ve found this to be true. Boys say they want you to tell them the reason, but not really they don’t. I’ll never tell a guy he’s shit-in-bed-and-I-want-to-scream-when-he-touches-me-and-when-I-do-sleep-with-him-I-imagine-he’s-someone-else ever again.
April 8th, 2009 at 12:12 pmI was harbouring a crush on a friend of mine for quite some time, and one day, he said to me, “You’re gonna be one of the first to know because I know you will understand… I am dating a guy right now.” And he went on telling me how he had sex with his newfound love.
Before this, he had been a hetero. I know how that ego was bruised.
You’re not a late bloomer. I’m 25 and haven’t bloomed.
Hope my comment makes you feel a lot better!
April 21st, 2009 at 10:39 amShuping! I wondered where you’d been hiding! It’s marginally comforting to know that the same thing happens to other people… but I also would never wish such pain on someone else! Good luck blooming… make sure it’s with someone that likes girls.
Kali — the thing is, it’s the GIRL deciding if we can’t handle the truth or not, which isn’t really fair. The withholding of information hurts so badly. Living with the unknown is horrible! I understand it though… girls care a lot about how other people feel, and the repercussions of their acts. Boys don’t think quite so far ahead
April 21st, 2009 at 10:59 am“I left the flowers, but took the chocolate bar.”
best line in the story.
I grieve with you, friend. And empathize with your struggle. I think I’d likely have made the same choice.
(and everything in me would hope and imagine her sitting at the edge of the bed, even if for just one minute, as she realized she just let someone great walk out of her room, and out of her life)
April 22nd, 2009 at 8:14 amYes… some kind of closed-circuit television providing perfect hindsight after each and every one of our major life choices.
Watching your ex-girlfriend’s reaction, just after you break up with her and walk away…
Being able to see the world through someone else’s eyes has been the dream of most people since time begun
April 22nd, 2009 at 1:14 pmand we keep on dreaming.
and I think, in those dreams we just might find what we’re looking for..
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:09 pm