What I’ve learnt about love and girls
Girls are from Venus. Boys are from Mars. While that phrase was coined to illustrate just how large the chasm is between men and women — how differently we approach life, and the problems we might encounter — the number of similarities we share are still too numerous to count.
I’m going to try and focus purely on the differences between boys and girls, men and women. This won’t be an article on how humans all endeavour to survive, but it might help you survive a little better by getting more out of friendships and relationships — especially if you interact a lot with the opposite sex! This guide could alternatively be called ‘how to get on better with girls’ or even ‘Seb tells you far too many trade secrets.’
To the girls: don’t take it too personally. This is going to feel like, at worst, that you’ve been sliced and prepared into a series of cutaway diagrams. At best, it’s going to feel like you’ve been stripped bare.
To the boys: remember, every girl is different. This is a guide, not a checklist!
Now, please forgive me for starting with the least romantic part of boy/girl relationships, but it sets the groundwork so nicely. It explains away a lot of the difficulties you might have, as a guy, with understanding a girl: it’s all in their head, man! You can skip the first section if you think it’s just plain unromantic.
The Psychology
Genetically, we’re almost identical, with just 78 genes separating boys from girls. I’m not a doctor, so I’m not going to suggest anything preposterous, but it would seem that those 78 genes would become, in later life, the differences in our physiology, our brain chemistry and ultimately the huge differences we notice between the actions and thought processes of men and women.
Tests would seem to suggest that almost all differences between male and female sensitivity and recall is based on our relative levels of testosterone, estrogen and progesterone. Women, for example, tend to have more vivid memory recall during their period. Women also have a much easier time recalling memories with emotional components (which might go some way to explaining why women, at least from a male perspective, seem to dig up very odd, ‘unimportant’ stuff during their period). It’s also female hormones that make women more sensitive, at least towards dangerous situations or a perceived threat. Couple this with the fact that the heightened testosterone levels in men can cause emotional insensitivity or a complete lack of empathy, and you can begin to see why men and women might fail to get along — especially during that time of the month.
The solution here, gentlemen, is to be gentle. A girl only feels bonded in a relationship by a feeling of closeness inspired by shared feelings and emotions — intimacy, in other words. Believe it or not, watching a sporting event with a girl doesn’t actually cement your relationship very much. In fact, the only real shared ground between men and women is sex. Men love it: it’s active, it’s sporting (’Maybe I can go for another hour this week!’, ‘Let’s go for 6 orgasms…’) Women love it — at least, most do — because of the bonding, physically and mentally, and it is inherently very intimate.
Orgasms. Girls love orgasms. Oh, and sex too, but really… orgasms.
With the psycho-babble out of the way I can now move into much safer (if not easier!) waters. The wild, wet seas of the Big O.
Orgasm in the morning; orgasm in the evening. Orgasm at work, in the supplies cupboard. Wherever and whenever — a girl wants to orgasm. I’m not going to turn this into a guide on sex (maybe next week: ‘The master geek at work in the bedroom’), so just go and look up some guides on the internet. I think the most vital thing to remember is that very few girls reach orgasm from the ol’ fashioned ‘just stick it in’ technique — men should really know this by now, but in case you didn’t: you have to get messy! And I don’t mean poo play.
As I mentioned before, girls really need intimacy. Unless you make a habit of watching sad movies and sharing your thoughts (some guys with low levels of testosterone are quite happy to do this — like me), sex is probably the only time you will be truly intimate with a girl. So you might as well make the sex good, and do it often!
Girls want to be loved
I’ve learnt that, despite their apparent faults, misgivings or erratic, emotional outbursts, a girl wants to be loved. This desire to be loved is so strong that a girl will often slight her own ethics or personal integrity to get a guy to love her.
It’s important, for the success and longevity of a relationship, that you don’t let a girl sacrifice herself to please you. Women are constantly in search of intimacy (and the love that follows) and will do almost anything to get it from you. Most men are unaware of just how many hoops they (inadvertently!) force their girlfriends to jump through, to earn their intimacy and love. It’s unfair and it destroys the very essence of what makes a person a person: self worth. Sure, you might end up satisfied in the short term, but you’ll be left with a bereft, empty, soulless shell of a girl; a shell with only a few shattered fragments of the girl you first met and hit it off with.
If you’re not ready to love (I’m guessing this is a genetic thing again, stopping guys from saying those 3 fateful words; those 7 immensely heavy letters), you must at least be ready to be intimate. A girl probably doesn’t want to actually hear you say ‘I love you’, she’s more than likely just looking for you to share your feelings and emotions… so try to do that! Watch The Notebook and cry with her. Trust me.
Girls solve problems differently
This is the difference that really counts. Life is, as you know, just a constant stream of making decisions and solving problems. Both men and women are equally good at working out problems — and thus, surviving! — they just take very different paths to the solution. Us men like to take control of the situation and get it solved as quickly and effectively as possible. Women, on the other hand, are more interested in the how and why of the problem — analysing how that thorn came to be there, and how to remove it, is far more interesting than ACTUALLY removing it.
In a relationship, this means the girl will assess other possible solutions before deciding on the ‘right’ one. For girls, sharing and solving problems together (either with friends, or with their beloved) is of great value — almost more so than the actual doing! This is often a problem for guys, because they seek the self-assurance derived from solving problems on their own! While a guy will often adopt the ’spray and pray’ approach of problem solving (keep trying until something sticks), girls are far more likely to pool ideas with other people, and learn from other people’s past mistakes. It’s amazing how rational women can be without testosterone clouding their judgement…
In reality, a mix of these two approaches is ideal. Sometimes there just isn’t time for the bureaucracy of female problem-solving — but sometimes there is, and as a guy you should try your best to sit down and discuss problems, and the possible solutions, with the girl. I’m not even talking big, pivotal relationship-shattering problems; it could be something as simple as whose house to stay at on a given day, or which TV show you watch, and which one you record. Discuss it!
Girls want to be wined and dined, and looked after!
I’m probably on dangerous ground here, especially with the ‘looked after’ caveat. Perhaps I should rephrase it as ‘girls like a guy that knows what he’s doing’, which is a very broad phrase, but accurate. A girl doesn’t like a guy that’s uncertain of his role in life — a guy that can’t make good choices and survives poorly is unlikely to be the target of a girl’s affections. In the same vein, girls like guys that know what they’re on about – ‘confidence’ in other words! A girl likes a guy that knows a nice place to take them out for dinner; she doesn’t like a guy that drives around, uncertain of what to do, or where to go. Girls don’t like guys that mope around in the house, not sure of what to do with their life, or where to go on a date (both of these points is where most geeks fail, incidentally, including myself!)
Perhaps this is more a hint for getting a girl, rather than keeping one, though I would’ve thought that gifts of flowers, jewellery and other tokens of affection are the in-relationship equivalent of ‘wining and dining’.
She really does look fat in that dress…
Yet again, the classic, brute-force problem-solving ability of men (the same ability that first brought meat to the cave!) comes back to bite us on the ass. ‘I think I’m coming down with the flu’ your girlfriend says. ‘Don’t worry honey, I’ll call the doctor.’ Wrong. ‘Perhaps I would look better with larger breasts’ she trickily states. ‘How much does it cost?’ Wrong… so, so wrong. When a woman poses such questions she is nearly always looking for understanding and emotional support. The problem? Men are far more interested in their ability to solve problems, and quickly. The woman is posing a challenge; the man wants to solve it, further cementing his position of supremacy!
You will only be able to catch these ‘curve ball’ statements after months or years of experience, so you should probably start watching for them as soon as possible… When she says ‘You’re so rash and uncaring!’ that’s normally a sign that you’ve said the wrong thing (even though you thought you were being very caring…)
Tips, tricks and further reading
I’ve given you enough information to make even the most stalwart, embittered ice-queens fall for you (I speak from experience: The American), but I thought I could share a few ‘tips and tricks’ that I’ve picked up in the few years that I’ve been, um, ‘active’, though I’m not going to share my real trade secrets. That’d be like shooting myself in the foot.
- The compliment game – Try being complimentary. Really damn complimentary and affectionate. Not so complimentary as to be facetious of course, but if you think a girl (or your girl) looks nice in something, say so! If you notice she’s wearing a new shade of lipstick, and it looks pretty, say so! If she smells nice, whisper it into her ear as you hug tightly. I want to believe that I developed this game with my cousin, but I’m sure someone thought of before me. It’s amazing how far sincere affection goes — and how far it will get you.
- Be a good lover, really — Again, I’m not going to turn this into a guide on how to have sex, but sex is so important early on in a relationship. While sex is often sublimated towards more creative outlets later on, it’s really the only intimacy that both you and your girlfriend can share in. Later in the relationship, you’ll find a lot of other ways to be intimate… like a good foot massage!
- Further reading — There are lots of resources on the net on this topic — though, often from very specialised points of view. There’s an excellent condensed version of ‘You Just Don’t Understand’ by Deborah Tannen which looks, very deeply, at the fundemental differences between girls and boys (which, sadly, is of more interest to girls!) If you like the psychology thing, there’s lots of stuff by clinical psychologists offering their opinions on the web, just search around. There’s also data on the statistical differences between men and women — and finally, of course, the obligatory funny (and insightful…) picture.
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I think I agree with everything here….apart from the foot massage. Really, don’t go near the feet if you’re not 100% certain she likes it. If someone went for my feet or offered up their own… they’d find themselves with a problem.
Also, maybe you could add a section on what to do when a girl is upset. Most guys have no idea. They go for the ‘why do you ALWAYS cry’ or ‘you can’t just cry to win an argument’ or the tap on the back….. if a girl is crying you have upset her, or something has. Comfort her, don’t make her feel bad about it.
March 30th, 2009 at 8:06 amVery insightful… I learned something!
March 30th, 2009 at 8:51 amIn my experience, Pink, the best thing would be to not get the girl upset in the first place! I think there’s always going to be miscommunication though — it’s inevitable from how differently men and women look at the world, and the problems we face throughout life. I could attempt to provide a solution, but the reasons for upset are so varied — one woman might be crying because she’s simply emotionally overwhelmed, while one might feel ignored!
You have to work out WHY she’s upset first, which is probably the harder bit, especially when the girl herself doesn’t know the answer
(And foot massage rocks! But I did offer it as an example of something to do LATER in a relationship, after you know whether she likes it or not!)
March 30th, 2009 at 10:18 am“Girls want to be wined and dined, and looked after!”
My goooodddd, so true. Its never only about the sex.
My tip is more like : You want better sex ? Treat her better. never shove sex when she doesnt feel like it!
If you call me fat Seb, I’ll throw my 800 bucks manolos to your head. Seriously.
( or not, I love that manolos. But I’ll still kick your ass. )
March 30th, 2009 at 10:50 amYou’ll kick my ankle, Andhari, my ankle. Maybe if I kneel down you can kick my ass…
I would say there’s something ‘wrong’ if a girl doesn’t feel like sex (at least in the early stages of a relationship, before you’ve found more creative things to do together). But yes, if something is wrong, and the girl doesn’t want sex, then it’s a good sign that you should try to fix things!
Is there an equivalent to 800 dollar Manolos for boys?
March 30th, 2009 at 10:54 amKeep your feet away from me, please.
March 30th, 2009 at 11:02 amNot really, lets say she really has a bad day or feeling too mellow. Not a good idea to ask for blowjobs, the thought of that guarantees any of you men to be axed.
Idk the equivalent, you tell me. Or ill just throw my laptop at you. I like my shoes more.
March 30th, 2009 at 12:00 pmSure, I’m not talking about forcing sex on a girl — I mean if a girl ‘has a headache’, or ‘isn’t in the mood’ for extended periods of time.
‘I’m too tired to move a muscle’ is probably a valid excuse, though I have to admit most girls won’t refuse some things, even though they’ve had a really bad day…
Don’t throw the laptop! Computers are like… the key to our world-spanning lives! Throw the shoes!
March 30th, 2009 at 12:03 pmOnly if you get me new ones!
March 30th, 2009 at 12:14 pmyou’re a good man. a sage, even.
March 30th, 2009 at 1:59 pmbless you.
You are are an even better man for saying so… thank you, kind sir!
March 30th, 2009 at 2:00 pmI love this. All of this is so true. I think I may even post about it.
March 30th, 2009 at 2:32 pmYes, we love to be “wined and dined”. I love going out to eat. It just feels so romantic. Well and I don’t like to cook.
The second paragraph of ‘Girls want to be loved’, reminds me of my last relationship. When my ex and I got back together at the beginning of last year, he marvelled at how confident I was now (it took me awhile to get there, and was better getting there without him). I lost all that confidence and strength trying to get this guy to show emotion and love me that this line actually describes me by the end of the relationship: “you’ll be left with a bereft, empty, soulless shell of a girl; a shell with only a few shattered fragments of the girl you first met and hit it off with”.
Yup. That was definitely me. Who wants to date that?
That’s the beautiful irony — the girl is so much of a shell by the end of it, that the guy no longer wants to be with her. The girl was just trying to make the guy love her, and in the process has probably removed everything that the guy might’ve originally fallen for. Sad!
And take-away Thai food is definitely the best way to get a girl to sleep with you, guaranteed!
March 30th, 2009 at 2:35 pmIt is very sad. I feel very sad that I was like that. Pathetic.
March 30th, 2009 at 2:41 pmOh I pimped you on my blog. haha
Why thank you!
I want to say it was the boy’s fault — but it’s a joint thing. Guys certainly need to be more observant when girls are losing their dignity for their sake!
March 30th, 2009 at 2:53 pm“don’t let a girl sacrifice herself to please you” – better advice was never given. Thank you for that whole section!
oh and the “fat in that dress issue”…guys need to find a way to not allow their girls to go out looking a hot mess. say something like “would you wear ___? I love the way you look in it!” don’t even bring up the fat dress. do the whole misdirection with a side of flattery. that always worked on me. but I would be irritated to find out later that you KNEW I looked a mess and still let me go out in public. after all, I wouldn’t let you out looking retarded.
but yes, this was a wonderful post.
March 30th, 2009 at 3:10 pmThat’s a tricky one, and definitely one that us boys have to learn as we go. Some girls are quite happy being told that a dress looks bad! It gets even stickier when the girl thinks it looks good, but the guy thinks it doesn’t… who’s right?
If someone then tells the girl, while she’s out, that she looked bad… that’s OBVIOUSLY the guy’s fault!
I’m glad you liked it. Now print it out and give it to possible suitors. Or email it to boys that need a little more wisdom!
March 30th, 2009 at 3:33 pmSorry, I don’t think I have the email address of every boy in the world (minus you of course..because you clearly know it already since you wrote the thing). let’s just hope they find you on their own.
yes and saying a “dress looks bad” is usually fine..it’s when you say something about the girl herself looking bad in the dress that you get into trouble. the ugliness must clearly fall on the dress, not the girl.
March 30th, 2009 at 3:40 pmHAHAHA, good tips!!
March 30th, 2009 at 4:09 pmis that the HAHAHA of someone that needs the tips… or the HAHAHA of the man, with the wife, laughing at us poor loners?
March 30th, 2009 at 4:11 pmI would argue that it’s not just 78 genes that make us different, but also society and social upbringing. Girls and boys are conditioned by society to want different things and to react different way.
But sound advice! All boys should definitely realize that girls are AS sexual or more than them.
March 30th, 2009 at 4:14 pmSure, but it is those genes that alter our upbringing…! It’s those genes that, ultimately, turn women into mothers, and men into bread winners (historically). It’s those genes that lead girls to being nurses, and boys to being surgeons.
But you’re right, sometimes the pressures from society on boys or girls are far stronger than they should be. Fortunately, with sexual equality FINALLY arriving (after how many thousands of years?) the differences between boys and girls should lessen a little — and we’ll only be dealing with personality differences, rather than society/social ‘implants’.
March 30th, 2009 at 4:19 pmYes! How to put geekiness to use in your relationship….
It’s apparent you’ve put a good deal of thought into this, so thanks for sharing! (Even though I’m not a guy, it was still helpful… somehow.)
I think compliments are really under-estimated…. Especially as the relationship continues… It seems like a lot of couples sort of forget to show this kind of affection to eachother as time goes on, which can really kill the romance. Both individuals need to know they are still appreciated, noticed, desired. (Can you tell I am talking about my parents?… because I can.)
March 30th, 2009 at 6:37 pmfunny! but kinda true…
a friend shared this with me – also funny, and depending on how you look at it – depressingly true
March 30th, 2009 at 7:25 pmhttp://www.rooshv.com/2008/guiding-principle-of-male-female-relations
I would disagree entirely with his sentiment… that’s a very depressing outlook!
March 30th, 2009 at 7:32 pmSorry Ambles, I missed your reply… was trying to do about 20 things at once — but sadly, none of those were girls…
A wise man once said you have to continue creating a relationship, every day, every week, every year. A relationship doesn’t exist on its own, it is only brought (and kept) in existence by its members, be it a couple, or a family. When they stop trying… the relationship fails.
And being affectionate (complimentary) is certainly part of being in a relationship
March 30th, 2009 at 9:40 pmPENIS PENIS PENIS
just aiding YOUR search engine now=) who said that girls were more mature? certainly no one who knows me…
March 31st, 2009 at 3:03 ami try not to ask the dreaded “Do you think this makes me look fat?” question or variation of anymore. I’ve learned.
March 31st, 2009 at 8:24 amThanks Maddie, but I have a feeling comments don’t tend to do very much to search engine ratings. But just in case: PENIS.
It’s girls like you, Miss Floreta that make this world a better place
March 31st, 2009 at 1:25 pmOkay okay, you may have forced me into reading this – what? you kinda did – but so very accurate and I’m very glad I did. Nicely done mister. You’ve nailed everything pretty much dead on.
So why exactly aren’t you in a relationship then? What mistakes do you make? ‘Cause you’re on the ball damn well otherwise.
P.S. Love the picture link. Also true.
March 31st, 2009 at 11:01 pmWahay! *punches the air* Another testimonial from an attractive girl for my upcoming book!
Why am I single? Ah… that’s for another entry I think. This only shows that I reflect very well on past experiences, and that I’d be very good IN a relationship… (hint, hint).
It has a little to do with being lazy, and a little (OK, more) to do with fear of rejection.
March 31st, 2009 at 11:04 pmLol. How did you know girls think orgasm orgasm all day. Or is it just me. It’s also true that girls like to be taken care of, that was pretty accurate, as long as we can still say we don’t need to be taken care of.
March 31st, 2009 at 11:33 pmOf course, looked after, but without being STIFLED! Everyone (boys and girls) has to believe they are a ‘viable human being’. I know, it’s an awful turn of phrase, but it basically means: good enough at surviving, without being a leech, or needing a crutch.
And I don’t think it’s just you.
March 31st, 2009 at 11:39 pmSurprisingly fair
After your warning to us girls at the beginning I was a little worried, but there wasn’t anything in particular that I could object to. All generally true. Nicely done. And it’s somewhat informative to us girls, too, giving us a sense of the way guys think and the kinds of mistakes they are likely to make simply because they don’t know better.
Another WRONG response to the “Do I look fat?” question: “I like a girl with a little meat on her.” Doesn’t matter if it’s true, it is STILL WRONG. This happened to a friend of mine once.
Also: foot massages are very nice.
April 1st, 2009 at 8:11 pmI was warning you because I was well aware that it might get a little too close to home; a little too accurate. I guess, ironically, I misjudged what the female reaction would be… seems girls WANT to be understood. It must be quite rough, being misunderstood by around 50% of the world’s population…!
Now I just need a bunch of girly magazines to link to me, and then I’ll get asked to host a ‘Dr Seb’ section at the back.
I like foot massages too.
April 1st, 2009 at 8:18 pmThat is quite good. I’d love an understanding guys version for girls if you ever felt like it. And yes, I’d love it if guys understood us better. Of course I’d love to mention how nice it would be to be pursued, and a whole bunch of other things.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:50 amAh, a guide to understanding guys, for girls… Now that is an idea. I’ll have a think about it, but really… I have so few male friends, and introspection is a lot harder than experimentation and observation! I’ll try, though
April 2nd, 2009 at 12:55 pmYou forgot a part of relationships that I understand, but still have trouble with.
Dessert on the couch – could lead to something, can’t wait!
I’ll put it simply.
A payed night out, a present, and later on a dance and later still, dessert on the couch watching a movie.
Girls see this as a gift from her man, and either inwardly or outwardly show this.
Guys, we see it as not one, but 5 seperate gifts! A night out – nice one, a present – how expensive? A dance – could be awkward, maybe not a gift
See the difference?
Guys count their gifts, big ones are worth alot of points, and the smaller ones worth less points. Women don’t — they see every gift as a medium one, each worth the same, and group them all together.
Get a guy a new ring? He’ll be utterly pleased. A ring and a hand-written letter, a big one and a small one. Good job.
Get a girl some flowers and a ring and a handwritten poem and buy her dinner? It’s one big love-orgy, but is classed all as one.
Basically, if you got that, guys seperate and keep different gifts apart in their minds, where as women see all gifts as equal. Try and remember that
P.S. Good job, Sebastian.
April 27th, 2009 at 1:57 pmHi Jay! That’s a very well thought-out response… and an angle I had never looked at before
Very true though, which is odd because guys tend to be portrayed as ‘not caring’ and ‘gruff’… but really, if we were to get some kind of keepsake or present from a loved one, that would be much more significant than just yet another sex act in the bedroom!
I’m sure not all girls are like that though, merging all their gifts into one. But if you’re certain, I’ll have to be sure to spread out the gifts I give in the future. No more love-orgies, as you aptly put it
April 27th, 2009 at 2:05 pmThanks for replying Sebastian
Quick question about the topic I raised… Now that you’ve had it sitting in the back of your mind, in hindsite, have you ever encountered anything like this? Where you feel you’ve given alot but your woman sees it as just a single, but still special present?
P.S. (Again
) I didn’t mean to class all women together, of course all women are different. My angle stated was actually derived from the book ‘Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus’… Just in my words 
April 29th, 2009 at 10:46 amYou know, perhaps because I’m male (we’re good at tunnel-visioning), I normally give my girlfriends single gifts — a nice dinner OR a trip to the theatre OR some jewellery. I never did subscribe to the whole ’scatter gun’ approach to romance.
I’m also the kind of person that buys a very specific birthday/Christmas gift for someone, in the hope that they’ll really enjoy it. I can imagine it’s more the ‘unromantic’ (’unwise’?) guys that tend to buy a huge number of gifts in the hope that one of them hits the spot!
April 29th, 2009 at 1:11 pm