Seb, at Koko club in London, at an Amanda Palmer gig

There I was, looking up the beautiful, soft curves of the female form. She had mounted me in the standard bronco position. She whimpered, I groaned; she gyrated and thrusted, I groaned some more.

It was then, shaking my head to gain a moment of clarity, I realised that sex could become boring. Sure, given a particular moment in time, sex would always be enjoyable, but it would fast become boring unless I kept it interesting.

Though I have only been sexually active for about 6 years, it occurred to me fairly early on that sex, like relationships, has to be constantly created — recreated, even, from encounter to encounter, from lingering glance to lingering, love-sick glance.

They say — wise, old people — that sex stops being exciting and interesting as a relationship goes on. It sublimates to other activities, or the act of just being together, in rocking chairs on the veranda. The reason for this is twofold:

  1. Sex is a waste of time — Okay, a really, fun, intimate waste of time, but still, compared to other things you could be doing, it’s a waste of time!
  2. Sex stops being exciting – This is probably the main reason people stop having sex (and also why quite-weak relationships might falter and stumble, if sex is the main thing keeping them together). Eventually, you run out of inspiration, and without inspiration you find yourself running out of positions to try out, and eventually… sex becomes a waste of time!

(You don’t have to agree with me by the way, I am just laying the ground for the rest of my argument.)

You need to keep creating fun, exciting, exhilarating sex, or you’ll soon find yourself in front of the TV with your partner watching EastEnders, or American Idol. Your relationship, intellect and health would quickly waste away into nothingness. Worst of all, you’d start enjoying reality TV. Wouldn’t that be a fate worse than death?

‘Yes it would!’

This isn’t going to be a list of possible positions — that would be too graphic, and there are already thousands of sites (and positions!) out there on the Internet for you to browse, if you need some help in that department (even I learnt a few new ones as I was writing this!)

This first list (and there will be others) is a few of the places I’ve had sex, in an attempt to keep my relationships alive and kicking. Well, alive and penetrating. The next list will be a theoretical list of places that would be good to have sex in — i.e. places I want to try out, hopefully before I’m too old and inflexible to make the most of them.

Sex in a field

One of the first adventurous places I had sex was a field atop a hill. It was quite a cold day, but fortunately sex has a tendency to heat you up rather quickly. We’d started off in winter clothes, but after a few minutes of rolling around and fumbling and kissing the clothes were ripped off.

Sex in a field is a great way to end (or punctuate) a romantic stroll in the countryside. It’s quite an intense experience (and memory), so every time you go walking again, your mind will always wander back to that fateful time you rolled around in the hay…!

  • Unique Selling Point — The normally-dull missionary position becomes a whole lot more exciting when a gusty, cool breeze blows up your ass. There is also a wide variety of fields that you can have sex in! It is also different each season: summer might mean skirts and no underwear, and laying on the crunchy leaves of autumn (fall) can be a lot of fun.
  • Exhibitionist Rating – 3 out of 10 (low chance of being seen), though it obviously depends on where you go, and the time of year. We accidentally chose a spot where people often walked their dogs, boosting the ER up to 8 out of 10. Darn.

Sex on a train

An oldie but goodie, sex on a train is still one of my favourites. I’ve actually had sex, or almost had sex quite a few times on trains, nearly always on the way back from London. In the dark, almost-empty train carriages, you can get away with an awful lot, and make a lot of noise! Place yourself in the middle of a carriage, and you can see or hear people coming from some distance away. If they’re lucky, they’ll hear you coming, too!

Even if you don’t have sex on a train, there’s a lot you can do, just sitting side by side, hands in each other’s laps or with the girl leaning over…

  • Unique Selling Point – The chairs! Perfect for the girl to straddle the guy, or if you’re in a little ‘booth’ with opposing chairs, the girl could lean forward, and… well, I’m not going to illustrate it with pictures; you get the idea. If you still don’t get the idea, contact me and I’ll see what I can do.
  • Exhibitionist Rating – 4 out of 10. If you do this late at night (which, really, you should — you don’t want young kids to see you!) the chance of being spotted is quite low. Obviously, if it’s a noisy train, and you can’t hear people opening doors, you might get caught out — but perhaps you want to be caught out?! Obviously, if you decide to do this during rush hour (which I have sadly never done), the rating goes up a little… to 10 out of 10 (unless the girl has a short skirt on and is very quiet — but then you’re not doing it right!)

Sex in a dressing room

This one’s a fun one. Every guy hates shopping; he might say that he likes it, but trust me, he doesn’t. The only way I’ve found to make shopping not quite so dismal is to have sex in a dressing room. It’s up to you which shop you choose, but generally posh department stores have nice, large dressing rooms. If it has a chair, that’s obviously a bonus for geeky men with less upper-body strength…

A word of warning: don’t do it in one of your favourite shops, unless there are others in the chain nearby — I can no longer shop at three shops in my local city, but that’s OK because they only sell clothes for girls!

  • Unique Selling Point – The woman gets what she really wants (both an orgasm, and clothes!) Plus, there aren’t many places you can have sex when you’re out and about — up against the wall in a dark alley isn’t quite the same (but can still hit the spot!)
  • Exhibitionist Rating – 7 out of 10 (10 out of 10 on a busy day). Depending on the time you go (weekdays are safer), you might not get seen at all. The danger comes from being just an inch of wood away from other people trying on clothes, and you can guarantee they’re going to hear your whimpering and panting — and growling, in my case.When I did it, we were obviously too noisy because two girls, at the same time, popped their heads over the top and looked down at me and my girlfriend going at it, up against the wall.At least they didn’t scream or alert the staff. To be honest, I have no idea how long they were watching before we noticed. Hot!

Sex in a theatre, while watching a show

This one’s going to earn me some disapproving looks I am sure, but it’s true: I’ve had sex in a theatre. A big theatre. But don’t worry, we weren’t at the front of the auditorium, and the thousand people behind us didn’t have to watch as she scooted over onto my lap. We were at the back of the theatre.

It became (hah) quite an art, timing the quick thrusts with the passionate full-orchestra ensemble, and then slowing down to gentle, loving strokes during the dialogue and quiet songs.

  • Unique Selling Point – How often do you get to mix culture and sex? Not often, I assure you. Again, like a train, you have an abundance of chairs which you can use for either straddling, or a variety of bent-over positions.  You could also just drop down between the chairs, but no one would see you there, and what’s the fun in that? For bonus points, try to time your climax for the er, climax of ‘One Day More‘ — it’ll be a moment you both cherish for years to come. Hah.
  • Exhibitionist Rating – 7 out of 10. When we did this one, some damn kid turned around and spotted us, pointed us out to his parents, who in-turn pointed us out to their neighbours. Eventually, a sizable portion of the audience turned to watch us. They all turned back to the stage for the big number though, so we can’t have been that good. Rating is increased to 10 out of 10 if you can’t control yourself during the quiet bits — and you’ll probably get thrown out too, which is a waste of the exorbitant ticket price!It does mean that I have a 30 minute blank spot in my knowledge of Les Miserables though…

Sex in the back of a race-tuned Dodge Viper

I should begin by saying this was in a moving Dodge Viper, and penetration was only temporary because, well… her dad was driving the car. I won’t go into too many details on this one, but I will tell you it’s the same Dodge Viper that I reference in this story about The American.

  • Unique Selling Points — Acceleration. Torque. Thrust. G-force. The Dodge Viper accelerates from 0 to 100 mph (160 kph) in about 9 seconds (just about long enough for me to finish); a quarter mile in 12 seconds. It is stupendously fast. The girl — and the penis — will discover places that are impossible to reach under normal-gravity conditions. Not to mention, the affect of quick acceleration/torque on your inner ear is almost orgasmic in its own right!
  • Exhibitionist Rating – 10 out of 10. You have a 10-20 second window between protective father’s glances into the rear-view mirror for the girl to hop on and hop off. Of course, you can repeat this as many times as you like, but the chances of you getting caught are quite high. If you’re caught, you’ll probably crash and die, so this is for risk-takers only!

Notes & Further Info

First, you have to remember that in almost all cases and most cultures, having sex in public is generally frowned upon. Best-case scenario, you might get thrown out of the theatre — worst-case, you might have to pay a fine or suffer through community service for indecent exposure.

Secondly, you don’t have to become an exhibitionist to squeeze a little more juice out of your relationship — but a moment of shared excitement and passion does go a long way to briging two people closer together! This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t just invest in a sex swing, or use the dining room table — but I am assuming that you’ve exhausted most normal positions/situations, or perhaps you are just easily-bored like me! You could stick to the ‘in a field’ thing, if you want to play it safe… but where’s the fun in that?

Lastly, remember, if your entire relationship consists of just having sex, it’s probably not much of a relationship — in the long run no amount high-torque Dodge Viper sex is going to fix that.

Even the deer are relaxed!
My kind of girls

Sebastian

I am a tall, hairy, British writer who blogs about technology, photography, travel, and whatever else catches my eye.

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