Following on from part 1, this is a theoretical list of places I would like to have sex. I will use my masterful and infallible analytical skills to deduce which place is, in fact, the best place to have sex (though, I think the back of a Dodge Viper, with a cheerleader, is probably unsurpassable).
If anyone reading this wants to try one or more of these, please contact me. Girls and boys. It will be blogged about though…
Sex, up against the front plate-glass window of a shop
I have this mental image of a TV crew filming a segment on local businesses. Behind the reporter, there’s a shop. In that shop, there’s me, and a girl, going at it, with her face pushed up against the glass in a comical fashion. Doesn’t necessarily have to be naked — just the facial expressions, and the sliding up and down against the glass…
- Unique Selling Point – If you had someone (a friend?) take photos, you’d probably get some great keepsakes. Probably not the kind of photos you could keep in picture frames around the house, though. There’s a slim chance that the shop you’re shagging in will appreciate the extra publicity and give you vouchers too! More likely, you’ll just get banned from ever shopping there again.
- Exhibitionist Rating (ER) – 7 out of 10 on a slow day (some people simply won’t work out that a girl’s face squished up against a window means ‘we’re having sex’). For the full 10 out of 10, make sure the news crew that catch you are broadcasting live. Instant, global (well, maybe, if you do it right) recognition. There’s your 5 minutes (hopefully) of fame, men.
Sex in a Space Shuttle and/or Viper from Battlestar Galactica
I simply couldn’t choose what would be better: the thrust (and I think a Space Shuttle taking off is the only thing with more thrust than a Dodge Viper), or the awesomeness of doing it in the cockpit of a Viper. Now, with space tourism becoming viable, sex in a Shuttle is actually a possibility. I don’t know if you want to unbuckle your seatbelt and clamber onto the guy’s lap during the take-off sequence though. Mind you, if you waited until you were in space, zero-g sex might be quite cool?
But then… the Viper. The sexiest damn space ship ever — sexier even than the Millennium Falcon and Han Solo combined. You could even throw in Chewie to make it a pretty damn hot, hairy threesome, and the Viper would still be sexier. It’d be a squeeze no doubt, but for a geek, it might never get better than this. Don’t forget, now that the series has ended, all of the props are being auctioned off, including the Viper models. I am so tempted…
- Unique Selling Point – For the Shuttle, it’s obviously the thrust. And, walking to the window and looking down at Earth has to be the best post-coital thing ever, even if you can’t light a cigarette up. If you had sex in a Viper, you’d be revered by every other geek until the day you die. You’d be elevated to demigod status in an instant. Queues at comic conventions would part for you, like the seas parted for Moses.
- Exhibitionist Rating – ? out of 10. If you’re having sex while the communication channel is open to mission control, and the whole world can hear you panting and wheezing, then obviously the ER goes up a lot — in fact, Houston, there might just be a problem.
The Viper could probably be placed in your bedroom — though, out on the front lawn would be pretty wild. Geeky kids would gather to point and stare… at the Viper.
Sex on a desert island
I know. How dull. But hear me out! Imagine an island, with just two people on it — you, and your partner. Perhaps there’s a small tribe of natives on the other side of the island that maintain things and bring you freshly-cracked coconuts. But imagine… a deserted beach, facing westward, perhaps in the Indian ocean. A deep, fluffy towel is laid down beneath you. The sun is setting and the world is drenched in beautiful shades and hues of orange and purple and red. And only then, as the sun slowly slips out of sight, you gently slip it in…
- Unique Selling Point – Ultimately, this is a variation of ‘sex in a field’. A beautiful, warm variation of sex in a field without the cold gust of air surprising your nether regions. You can also be as loud as you like; only the birds and fishes will hear you. Plus… well, come on, who hasn’t dreamed of one day being on a deserted desert island?
- Exhibitionist Rating – 0 out of 10. The only way you could ever class this as exhibitionism is if a local tribesman just happened to be up a coconut tree nearby. It would be hard to be heard over the roar of the ocean and the chattering of the birds, though. Imagine the give-away sound of a coconut falling to the ground while you’re having sex — wouldn’t that just be awesome? Stereotypical, but awesome.
Sex in Saint Peter’s Basilica in The Vatican City
It’s OK, stop praying for my soul. Please. I’m already going to hell for some of the other things I’ve done to my girlfriends. I finally visited St Peter’s Basilica in October 2008 and 6 months later words still fail me when I try to describe the sheer scale of the thing. I’ve seen a lot of churches (including the mosques in Istanbul) and I thought I would grow immune to the Keanu Reeves-esque ‘Woah’ that normally afflicts people when they cross the holy threshold. I pushed back the vast vault-like doors of St Peter’s, cautiously stepped inside, walked a few paces forward with my head down and then looked around. It dwarfs EVERYTHING else. It makes the rest of the world feel small. AND they still hold mass there! I can see why belief might come quite easily to Romans when you are floored by such majestic, immense awe.
- Unique Selling Point – Although probably not unique, you would be one of the only people to ever have had sex in St Peter’s Basilica. I can’t imagine a lot of people have tried it. Alternatively, you could do it in the Sistine Chapel under the beautiful paintings of Michelangelo, though there seemed to be a large number of armed guards when I went. If you’re a militant agnostic, or perhaps your parents tried to ram faith down your throat, St Peter’s Basilica might appeal to you — what better way to sock it to God than shaggin’ wildly right under his nose? Bonus points — go straight to hell, do not pass Purgatory — if you manage a little buggery.It’s worth noting that the chances of ‘divine inspiration’ or being touched by the ‘hand of God’ are vastly increased if you have sex in St Peter’s Basilica. ‘How did you find God, daddy?’ might be an interesting question to answer around the dinner table in a few years.
- Exhibitionist Rating — 3 out of 10. If you prescribe to the ‘God is Omnipresent’ thing, it’s obviously a big, fat 10 out of 10. St Peter’s Basilica is so large that you could undoubtedly find a dark, quiet corner to do the dirty. I would argue though that going to Rome and doing it anywhere other than the main altar, right at the focus of the Roman Catholic God would be a bit of a waste. Thinking about it, the acoustics might carry and reverberate the noises of your frantic antics over quite a distance.
Sex in a lion/large cat enclosure
You could extend this one to ‘on the sub-Saharan savannah’. Ever since I read about those ‘romantic tree houses’ (basically, canvas tents that have been secured to trees) that you can find in the African plains, I’ve thought about doing some serious sexing with lions prowling around. Imagine looking up from your hiding spot, amongst the long, slender grass and spotting a lion proudly perched atop a grassy knoll, or lounging in an ancient, gnarled tree. Imagine the earth shaking — not from your violent, vigorous sex, but from a herd of elephants marching past you. Being a realist, though, I am far more likely to sneak into a zoo with a girlfriend and get mauled by a tiger. A man can dream, though!
- Unique Selling Point – If watching a male lion viciously and unceremoniously mount a female doesn’t get your juices going, there’s always the elephants (a really scary sight, if you’ve never seen it — that poor girl is carrying 6 tonnes of male elephant). If that doesn’t get you going, well, I don’t know what will.
- Exhibitionist Rating – 0 out of 10. This one’s purely for you two; just enjoy the moment! For bonus points though, to boost the ER, get caught on camera by a photographer, or a TV crew. ‘Here, in the dusty, yellowed sub-Saharan plains of Africa we can see two fine examples of Homo Sapiens going about their usual mating ritual with relish and surprising vigor…’ Double points if David Attenborough does the narration when it finally makes it onto BBC1.
That’s all. For now…