The best places to have sex, part 2
Following on from part 1, this is a theoretical list of places I would like to have sex. I will use my masterful and infallible analytical skills to deduce which place is, in fact, the best place to have sex (though, I think the back of a Dodge Viper, with a cheerleader, is probably unsurpassable).
If anyone reading this wants to try one or more of these, please contact me. Girls and boys. It will be blogged about though…
Sex, up against the front plate-glass window of a shop
I have this mental image of a TV crew filming a segment on local businesses. Behind the reporter, there’s a shop. In that shop, there’s me, and a girl, going at it, with her face pushed up against the glass in a comical fashion. Doesn’t necessarily have to be naked — just the facial expressions, and the sliding up and down against the glass…
- Unique Selling Point – If you had someone (a friend?) take photos, you’d probably get some great keepsakes. Probably not the kind of photos you could keep in picture frames around the house, though. There’s a slim chance that the shop you’re shagging in will appreciate the extra publicity and give you vouchers too! More likely, you’ll just get banned from ever shopping there again.
- Exhibitionist Rating (ER) – 7 out of 10 on a slow day (some people simply won’t work out that a girl’s face squished up against a window means ‘we’re having sex’). For the full 10 out of 10, make sure the news crew that catch you are broadcasting live. Instant, global (well, maybe, if you do it right) recognition. There’s your 5 minutes (hopefully) of fame, men.
Sex in a Space Shuttle and/or Viper from Battlestar Galactica
I simply couldn’t choose what would be better: the thrust (and I think a Space Shuttle taking off is the only thing with more thrust than a Dodge Viper), or the awesomeness of doing it in the cockpit of a Viper. Now, with space tourism becoming viable, sex in a Shuttle is actually a possibility. I don’t know if you want to unbuckle your seatbelt and clamber onto the guy’s lap during the take-off sequence though. Mind you, if you waited until you were in space, zero-g sex might be quite cool?
But then… the Viper. The sexiest damn space ship ever — sexier even than the Millennium Falcon and Han Solo combined. You could even throw in Chewie to make it a pretty damn hot, hairy threesome, and the Viper would still be sexier. It’d be a squeeze no doubt, but for a geek, it might never get better than this. Don’t forget, now that the series has ended, all of the props are being auctioned off, including the Viper models. I am so tempted…
- Unique Selling Point – For the Shuttle, it’s obviously the thrust. And, walking to the window and looking down at Earth has to be the best post-coital thing ever, even if you can’t light a cigarette up. If you had sex in a Viper, you’d be revered by every other geek until the day you die. You’d be elevated to demigod status in an instant. Queues at comic conventions would part for you, like the seas parted for Moses.
- Exhibitionist Rating – ? out of 10. If you’re having sex while the communication channel is open to mission control, and the whole world can hear you panting and wheezing, then obviously the ER goes up a lot — in fact, Houston, there might just be a problem.
The Viper could probably be placed in your bedroom — though, out on the front lawn would be pretty wild. Geeky kids would gather to point and stare… at the Viper.
Sex on a desert island
I know. How dull. But hear me out! Imagine an island, with just two people on it — you, and your partner. Perhaps there’s a small tribe of natives on the other side of the island that maintain things and bring you freshly-cracked coconuts. But imagine… a deserted beach, facing westward, perhaps in the Indian ocean. A deep, fluffy towel is laid down beneath you. The sun is setting and the world is drenched in beautiful shades and hues of orange and purple and red. And only then, as the sun slowly slips out of sight, you gently slip it in…
- Unique Selling Point – Ultimately, this is a variation of ’sex in a field’. A beautiful, warm variation of sex in a field without the cold gust of air surprising your nether regions. You can also be as loud as you like; only the birds and fishes will hear you. Plus… well, come on, who hasn’t dreamed of one day being on a deserted desert island?
- Exhibitionist Rating – 0 out of 10. The only way you could ever class this as exhibitionism is if a local tribesman just happened to be up a coconut tree nearby. It would be hard to be heard over the roar of the ocean and the chattering of the birds, though. Imagine the give-away sound of a coconut falling to the ground while you’re having sex — wouldn’t that just be awesome? Stereotypical, but awesome.
Sex in Saint Peter’s Basilica in The Vatican City
It’s OK, stop praying for my soul. Please. I’m already going to hell for some of the other things I’ve done to my girlfriends. I finally visited St Peter’s Basilica in October 2008 and 6 months later words still fail me when I try to describe the sheer scale of the thing. I’ve seen a lot of churches (including the mosques in Istanbul) and I thought I would grow immune to the Keanu Reeves-esque ‘Woah’ that normally afflicts people when they cross the holy threshold. I pushed back the vast vault-like doors of St Peter’s, cautiously stepped inside, walked a few paces forward with my head down and then looked around. It dwarfs EVERYTHING else. It makes the rest of the world feel small. AND they still hold mass there! I can see why belief might come quite easily to Romans when you are floored by such majestic, immense awe.
- Unique Selling Point – Although probably not unique, you would be one of the only people to ever have had sex in St Peter’s Basilica. I can’t imagine a lot of people have tried it. Alternatively, you could do it in the Sistine Chapel under the beautiful paintings of Michelangelo, though there seemed to be a large number of armed guards when I went. If you’re a militant agnostic, or perhaps your parents tried to ram faith down your throat, St Peter’s Basilica might appeal to you — what better way to sock it to God than shaggin’ wildly right under his nose? Bonus points — go straight to hell, do not pass Purgatory — if you manage a little buggery.It’s worth noting that the chances of ‘divine inspiration’ or being touched by the ‘hand of God’ are vastly increased if you have sex in St Peter’s Basilica. ‘How did you find God, daddy?’ might be an interesting question to answer around the dinner table in a few years.
- Exhibitionist Rating — 3 out of 10. If you prescribe to the ‘God is Omnipresent’ thing, it’s obviously a big, fat 10 out of 10. St Peter’s Basilica is so large that you could undoubtedly find a dark, quiet corner to do the dirty. I would argue though that going to Rome and doing it anywhere other than the main altar, right at the focus of the Roman Catholic God would be a bit of a waste. Thinking about it, the acoustics might carry and reverberate the noises of your frantic antics over quite a distance.
Sex in a lion/large cat enclosure
You could extend this one to ‘on the sub-Saharan savannah’. Ever since I read about those ‘romantic tree houses’ (basically, canvas tents that have been secured to trees) that you can find in the African plains, I’ve thought about doing some serious sexing with lions prowling around. Imagine looking up from your hiding spot, amongst the long, slender grass and spotting a lion proudly perched atop a grassy knoll, or lounging in an ancient, gnarled tree. Imagine the earth shaking — not from your violent, vigorous sex, but from a herd of elephants marching past you. Being a realist, though, I am far more likely to sneak into a zoo with a girlfriend and get mauled by a tiger. A man can dream, though!
- Unique Selling Point – If watching a male lion viciously and unceremoniously mount a female doesn’t get your juices going, there’s always the elephants (a really scary sight, if you’ve never seen it — that poor girl is carrying 6 tonnes of male elephant). If that doesn’t get you going, well, I don’t know what will.
- Exhibitionist Rating – 0 out of 10. This one’s purely for you two; just enjoy the moment! For bonus points though, to boost the ER, get caught on camera by a photographer, or a TV crew. ‘Here, in the dusty, yellowed sub-Saharan plains of Africa we can see two fine examples of Homo Sapiens going about their usual mating ritual with relish and surprising vigor…’ Double points if David Attenborough does the narration when it finally makes it onto BBC1.
That’s all. For now…
Related posts:
- The best places to have sex, part 1
- Shared accomodation is great until your housemate’s mother watches you screw your girlfriend
- Phil’s parting prophylactic present
I think, you might be a little insane….
But sex in a Viper (let’s assume here that I’m not scared of flying) would be hot…I’d do that one…and the desert island…
I’m not enough of an exhibitionist for the shop window one, as I’d be the girl squished against the glass, Churches/Cathedrals/Anything like that terrify me so that one is out too…as for the last one….well if you want to get your danglers bitten off then you go right ahead, pretty little kitty might think they’re a toy…
April 7th, 2009 at 7:41 amA toy?
They would lay before me, whining pitifully. A new alpha male would be amongst them, and they would instantly recognise my… gravitas!
So I’m insane? It sounds MORE like you’re AFRAID.
April 7th, 2009 at 9:59 amCertainly not afraid…perhaps a little too self-conscious and not enough of an exhibitionist.
I just leave that up to people with a God comlex…like you…
April 7th, 2009 at 10:38 amI’m glad I left another one off the list, then…
April 7th, 2009 at 10:53 amYou can tell you are the sort of person who plans for such eventualities.
“A deep, fluffy towel”.. good luck keeping that one sand free, even then… yeowch.
I think I may have seen/ heard, two people coming closer to God in Gaudis Sagrada Familia once. But then my mind was on prayer at the time. Of course.
April 7th, 2009 at 11:27 amA BIG towel. I almost said something bigger, like a blanket… I knew the crappy unromantics out there would pick holes in that one.
Which location would you choose?
April 7th, 2009 at 11:32 amJust because I dont want my bits chafed to buggery by an impromptu sandblasting does not make me a crappy unromantic. Even big towels ride up, you know ;D .
Shop Window sounds great for everyone concerned apart from the poor Squishee. I like country walks, for the record.
April 7th, 2009 at 11:40 amOkay, a large, 20′x20′ tarpaulin. Sexy. Sheesh.
I’m glad you like country walks.
April 7th, 2009 at 11:42 amYou did ask.
And Tarpaulin never crossed my mind. That was all you.
April 7th, 2009 at 11:47 amYou aren’t as geeky as I thought.
April 7th, 2009 at 2:54 pmI think after this, I am really conservative!
oh and why am I a red monster now, instead of a green one?
April 7th, 2009 at 2:55 pmI think your email address or internet address changed… I noticed yesterday. Could be a variety of causes, I think!
I am very geeky, I am also just… very other things too! It’s bad to so much of one thing that it excludes other possibilities.
The world is too large and interesting for that to be a good thing
April 7th, 2009 at 2:57 pmdid you play nana from peter pan?!
hmmm, sexier than han solo? i do not think so. nothing is sexier than han solo, not even han solo. being a romantic at heart and in the bed, i like the idea of the desert scenario.
love the post. def the highlight of my humdrum life!!!
April 7th, 2009 at 4:22 pmI did play Nana in peter pan…
Did you find the large version of that photo…?
I’m glad it was entertaining. But I must disagree with your choice of Han Solo.
Even Admiral Adama’s sexier than him, in a kind of rugged-time-and-war-worn way.
April 7th, 2009 at 4:25 pmI would have sex in a space shuttle. And on a deserted island.
April 7th, 2009 at 5:04 pmthe St. Peter’s one is actually a pretty good idea…though some of the other ones make me worry about your mental health
April 7th, 2009 at 5:04 pmMental health? St Peter’s is the only ’sane’ one? I think that says more about your apparent lack of marbles, m’dear.
I would’ve had you pegged as a Viper kind of girl, Jaime — did you want to be an astronaut when you were growing up?
April 7th, 2009 at 5:07 pmnever said St Peter’s was “sane” just that it was a good idea…it’s the lion cage one that concerns me lol and I have plenty of marbles
April 7th, 2009 at 5:16 pmHmm. None of these really do much for me.
Not really much of an exhibitionist though. … Although I did do a guy a favor on my friend’s front porch one drunken night… And well, the house happens to be on one of the busiest streets in town (Main St.) and across from an elementary school (good thing it was past midnight). I think only some truckers or late night travelers would have gotten a show. I honestly forgot we were on a porch.
And I do have my own backseat of a moving vehicle (though no a Viper) story… but for another time.
April 7th, 2009 at 5:18 pmWell, Hannah, if you read, I elaborated and said I’d like to do it on the plains of sub-Saharan Africa! A lion enclosure is probably a bit dangerous… (and I believe you, but thousands wouldn’t)
I’m not sure drunken antics count! These for for relationships that might be waning due to a lack of excitement or creativity. Exhibitionism certainly isn’t for everyone (and really, I prefer the disgusting things you can do in your own bedroom over some crappy little quickie in public!)
April 7th, 2009 at 5:22 pmNope! I wanted to be a paleontologist. Then I wanted to be my mom. Then I wanted to be a waitress. And then an inventor. And then a singer.
April 7th, 2009 at 5:26 pmsub-Saharan Africa would be kinda cool….though a little dusty…I think I would prefer somewhere like the top of Half Dome or El Cap…less threat of weird African bugs crawling in places…
“thousands wouldn’t” wtf? I’m totally sane! the sanest person I know!
April 7th, 2009 at 5:31 pmCan you sing?
An inventor would be a fine choice, m’lady.
April 7th, 2009 at 5:31 pmGawd, I hate it when I ruin the narrative by replying out of order… Damn you Hannah, type slower!
I could do the top of Half Dome; that would be fine by me (there are photos of me standing on top of Half Dome somewhere…)
But I still like the idea of large animals roaming around me while I sock it to ‘er.
April 7th, 2009 at 5:34 pmWoah, my first trip over and it’s just all sex, sex ,sex. Not the geek fest I’d expected Sebbie! xx
April 7th, 2009 at 5:38 pmGo to Yellowstone…they have moose, bears, and buffalo…all large and scary. especially when the buffalo start to chase you. plus you have the bonus of Ol’ Faithful which I found rather dirty
April 7th, 2009 at 5:39 pmForgive me, Jen,… but poke around, and there’s more!
I’m just horny at the moment, thus all the sex-talk.
Hannah — invite me, don’t tell me to ‘go to’.
April 7th, 2009 at 5:40 pmokay, you’re invited. I’m going again in July…better start packing.
April 7th, 2009 at 5:41 pmHave a poke around…..there you go again! x
April 7th, 2009 at 5:51 pmOkay, I’ll admit it… you got me with that whole “desert island” thing!
And maybe the Basilica….
Although I don’t think God would mind… he’d probably just think it was funny
April 7th, 2009 at 6:00 pmYes. I can sing. But I don’t sing in front of people unless I’m driving, and that wouldn’t make for a very good career in The Business.
April 7th, 2009 at 6:00 pmI realised after I’d written that Jen that instead of sounding non-sexy (as I had intended), it just sounded euphemistic again. *slaps wrists* What can I say. Sex is on my mind.
I’ve been invited to America in July twice now, Hannah. You might need to sweeten the deal a little, or choose another month.
Ambles, the desert island thing actually originally came from a story I read the paper about an island in the Pacific that was for sale, and it *actually* came with a bunch of villagers whose job was to maintain the island, and the big mansion that the island owner would be living in. You actually *owned* the people. Kinda cool, eh? It was about $20 million for the island and its inhabitants, if I recall correctly…
So what did you become, Jaime?
April 7th, 2009 at 6:05 pmChrist, it’s like being in a hareem! Sebbie, I believe you’re some kind of nymphomanic who preaches about geek stuff to lure girls to his lair (read: blog) and trap them in his web! I shall be reporting back to! x
April 7th, 2009 at 6:08 pmI’m not really an anything yet. My only specialty is sleeping, and I’m positive you can’t make a career of sleeping.
April 7th, 2009 at 6:09 pmYou could, Jaime, if you did it with rich/powerful men… But yeah, there’s a bit of a logical gap between sleeping, and sleeping with Helo from Battlestar Galactica…
I am proud to say that I am yet to use my blog for dubious means, Jen. My frank talk brings all the girls to my yard; what can I say.
I will never take advantage of that, though!
‘Be worthy of trust’ is one of my #1 beliefs…!
April 7th, 2009 at 6:12 pmDrunken antics should be taken on a case-by-case basis. Some of it is exhibitionism… and well, in my case I was just too drunk to remember where I was at the moment/too caught up in what was happening…
And I’d agree. Definitely prefer all the things you can do in the privacy of someone’s home/office/whatever than something public.
So do you actually have plans, real concrete plans, to come to the States? I vote that you visit Chicago while you’re here. Not even going to put in a bid for it to be your main destination. Mainly because Yellowstone would be cool…. I’d like to visit it myself one of these days…
April 7th, 2009 at 6:14 pmnow these are just silly.
although being a LOST fan, the island thing is kinda hot.
April 7th, 2009 at 6:17 pmOwning people is kind of creepy.
And I don’t have $20 million… although I bet it would make a really bad summer movie:
“How to steal 20 million” Starring Megan Fox and Gerard Butler!
I’d see it…
April 7th, 2009 at 6:19 pmYou can’t say it’s ‘just silly’ without justification, Floreta. You know how it works around here. No brainless commenting! The LOST island has vicious, cannibalistic pygmies on it, doesn’t it? Not so romantic.
I’ve been to America 3 or 4 times in recent history, so I don’t really want to go again, unless the price is right, or someone makes an offer I can’t refuse. I’ve loved all of my trips there, I just want to see other parts of the world! I could spend years exploring everything there is to see in America…
I’d watch anything with Meghan Fox in. I mean, seriously, THE CAR SCENE.
April 7th, 2009 at 6:21 pmhmmm well, it all depends on what you consider “sweet”…
April 7th, 2009 at 6:27 pmUnderstandable. I’d actually like to get out and explore Europe some day… At least, more than my 8 hour layover in Frankfurt. (About 4-5 hours of that was sleeping in the airport.)
April 7th, 2009 at 6:28 pmSweet, like… HOT BOOTY. Bodacious poontang. That kind of sweet.
*giggle*
Rini, I am bookable for parties… Perhaps if the 20sb gang pass the hat around they can scrounge enough dollars to buy me a plane ticket!
April 7th, 2009 at 6:39 pm“bodacious poontang”? lol I make no promises. maybe you should come in August instead.
April 7th, 2009 at 6:47 pmYou should post the idea on the forums.
I can donate lodging (and I guess some food and entertainment) in Chicago. Does that work/count?
April 7th, 2009 at 8:56 pmYou big hussy… You’ve only known me a few hours and you’ve already invited me back to your place.
Really… women nowadays.
April 7th, 2009 at 8:58 pmHey, you’re the one who claimed/acknowledge my blog crush on you… therefore provoking me to mildly stalk your blog all day.
April 7th, 2009 at 9:13 pmI knew some nerd location would be thrown in. Lion den though. Very. Very dangerous.
April 8th, 2009 at 2:58 amGosh, geeks are so predictable. The moment you said “theoretical list”, the first thing that popped into my mind was “space ship.” And here you have Space shuttle and/or Viper from BSG! I don’t know if I’d choose a Viper, though. Yes, they’re really sleek, but Vipers are pretty cramped… and Helo flies in a Raptor.
April 8th, 2009 at 3:28 amPredictable?! I actually threw in the Viper one after a conversation last night with a geek girl — it wasn’t actually ENTIRELY my idea.
Plus, I’m not a sci-fi geek. I’m pretty sure I’ve told you that… *narrows eyes* BSG and the occasional episode of The Next Generation is about as far as I go!
I imagine when an FTL drive spins up, there might be some… interesting… temporal… effects…?
April 8th, 2009 at 11:13 amYou stole my Viper idea without giving me any credit?
That’s it. Your name is going down in my little black book.
April 8th, 2009 at 12:01 pmFine by me. By the sounds of things, your little black book is just a list of guys that put out in clubs, if you get them a bit drunk.
April 8th, 2009 at 12:02 pmYou wish I would put out for you, Bastian…
April 8th, 2009 at 1:09 pmFine, you’re not a sci-fi fan, it was all a geek girl’s fault… But you still put it on your list. Can’t take it back
April 8th, 2009 at 10:10 pmI won’t take it back, as long as you promise me, one day, when I have a Viper… to put on your pointe shoes and… go for a spin.
April 8th, 2009 at 10:43 pmDo you really think I’m that easy?
…Well, make it the Blackbird, then we can talk.
April 9th, 2009 at 2:45 pm