I really shouldn’t be left alone with a copy of Photoshop, chocolate biscuits (cookies, if you’re illiterate) and my muse, Eric the blind cat.
And for the non-Americans: there’ll be just enough irony that’s hilarious to us… and invisible to them. Tune in on Monday.
Hannah
May 22, 2009
First of all, cookies and biscuits, two entirely different things.
Secondly, I love the little jab you through in about this supposed irony that we’re not going to get. makes me think that you aren’t entirely serious in regards to our awesomeness….
pinkjellybaby
May 22, 2009
wow. You look really old in that middle one…
floreta
May 22, 2009
hahaha love your photochop skills!
and uncle sam!! i know a girl who’s dating a boy whose great great grandfather (or something like that) is THE Uncle Sam!! I’ve seen his picture (the boyfriend) and he looks like him too. that makes me a cool american. by 6th degrees.
Abi
May 22, 2009
I glanced at this and thought “oh nice work” . Then I looked again and now can’t stop thinking about you in an Uncle Sam Mask gesticulating wildly at passers by in clothing shops.
the girl in stiletto
May 22, 2009
next time you can give your choc biscuits to me.
i love english biscuits …
Rica
May 22, 2009
Ah shit, I want chocolate covered biscuits.
Nice photoshop skills.
sebastian
May 22, 2009
Last I checked, ‘biscuits’ in America are some God-awful straight-to-hell things you sometimes get at breakfast? If you’ve been a bad boy? Like grits.
I know biscuits and cookies are different things — but you don’t HAVE small… kinda-savoury-kinda-sweet… no-chocolate-chip cookies in America, do you?
I kind of whacked Uncle Sam’s head on at the last minute, so it’s a bit dodgy. The text is almost identical to the poster though! Floreta, that might be the coolest bit of random trivia that I’ve heard all week.
Hannah, the whole point is, you won’t be able to detect the irony… so you’ll still think you’re totally frickin’ awesome. And so will everyone else, they’ll just have a bit of a smirk on their lips.
Rini
May 22, 2009
*ahem* American biscuits are not god-awful straight-to-hell things… if that’s your opinion, whoever made them can’t cook/bake… It should have a slightly browned exterior that gives way to a fluffy, yet still flaky, warm interior with some hint of butter… and they smell amazing….
I’ll admit, I’ve had bad biscuits… rock hard, lumpy, dry bread… those aren’t REAL biscuits. Come over for breakfast and I’ll make you some biscuits which you can top with jam and fruits, or my childhood favorite, sausage gravy…
MinD
May 22, 2009
I will be quite far away from a computer ALL day Monday. Sorry… =P
sebastian
May 22, 2009
Sounds hideous, Rini. Not the breakfast bit, but the biscuits…
THIS is a biscuit:
Anything else is merely pretending.
Mini, I’m sure you can come back on Tuesday and just tell everyone else you were here on Monday. No one would be any the wiser.
Melissa
May 22, 2009
I loooove proper British biscuits. I think over here they’re called “tea crackers” or something ridiculous like that. I have to go to the international aisle to get my fix.
But I have to say, you can knock American biscuits all you want, because you have something much worse: Crumpets. Gross…. What ARE they?? Aside from limp and vaguely dish-sponge-ish?
Melissa
May 22, 2009
I was just trying to figure out what an American biscuit would translate to in British cuisine. “Some kind of hideously deformed, crumbly roll” was the best I could come up with. Or “shortbread, but without any of the delicious elements.” And I *like* biscuits….
sebastian
May 22, 2009
Are you mocking the crumpet without actually having TRIED one? No, I can’t imagine you would, you’re not NARROW MINDED like most other ‘Merkins, right, Melissa?!
Crumpets are amazing. And they’re not limp — you toast them quite vigorously. And then butter them — the butter seeps down through the holes creating perhaps the finest tea-time snack/delicacy/baked orgasmic goodness the world has ever known.
You know who really enjoyed crumpets after I forced her to eat a properly-prepared one…?
I just don’t get American biscuits at all. I’ve had a few different types — for research purposes, you understand. And yeah, ‘shortbread that tastes like ass’ would probably be the best description.
Rini
May 22, 2009
Well, THESE are biscuits too… (but you don’t see me eating them!)
now THAT is what I’d like right now…..
Rini
May 22, 2009
well crap. I tried adding pictures…. but it didn’t work.
Melissa
May 22, 2009
You called me a merkin! Thanks you your educational linking habit, I know when I’ve been insulted, sir!
And I was missing the “toast vigorously” step…. That’s what I get for living in such a Brit-deficient territory. You can see how absolutely hideous an untoasted crumpet is, I’m sure!
sebastian
May 22, 2009
Yes… Christ, crumpets would be positively nasty if eaten raw (which is what they are, I think — boiled dough, bagel-style… but don’t quote me on that).
Historically, you would stick the crumpet on a toasting fork and hold it over an open hearth. Back in the olden days of high-ceilings and… open hearths.
pinkjellybaby
May 22, 2009
I miss crumpets.
cari
May 22, 2009
this should be good. i always enjoy seeing americans from someone else’s point of view. we tend to let our awesomeness get in the way of reality. haha!
Hannah
May 22, 2009
Biscuits are delicious! especially with butter and honey. you prolly had a nasty mcDonalds biscuit. trust me, the home made ones are to die for! and grits are like oatmeal and aren’t even the same category…grits are actually really good though, with butter and cheese especially.
And we do have cookies that don’t have chocolate chips in them! sheesh! we have quite a variety of cookies actually…the store has a whole aisle dedicated to them! Pepperidge Farms makes a ton of really awesome ones that aren’t totally sweet…like their chessmen cookies. so yummy.
the next time you are in America we need to amend your cookie/biscuit situation. Someone clearly steered you wrong the last time you were here.
sebastian
May 22, 2009
I assure you, during my multiple trips to the States I’ve had EVERYTHING it has to offer. Everything.
Yes, all five of them.
But no, really, if you think I haven’t had PROPER biscuits OR ‘not very sweet nonchocolatey cookies’ (wow, go Americans for destroying our beautiful language) I’ll be more than happy to be ‘educated’… by you.
Want me to send you a care package, Pink?
pinkjellybaby
May 22, 2009
OH! Would you? Yes. Yes yes. I could send you something back?
sebastian
May 22, 2009
*giggles* No, best not say that in public…
pinkjellybaby
May 22, 2009
:p
Chown Town
May 22, 2009
I’m just going to recommend a couple of bisuits/cookies that I’m regularly having with a cup of tea at the moment.
They’re both from M&S and currently part of their ‘Two for £2) deal. Firstly, there’s the ‘Almond & Pistaschio Cookies’ (perfect companion to a cup of coffee as well) and secondly there’s the ‘Organic Honey and Oat Biscuits’ – mmm, delicious!
Whilst the photoshoped pic is hilarious, my favourite part is the picture of the Rich Tea – I rather like Rich Tea Fingers as well – good for dunking in a cuppa.
Jo
May 22, 2009
I had a ‘biscuit’ once, it was in a Chicken Fill-A restaurant. Does that mean that it was a perfect example of amercian cuisine?
Rini, what is it about a Digestive that makes you giggle?I see nothing giggle-worthy about a Digestive biscuit.
I have ‘A’ level cookery, so here goes…
An American biscuit is most like an english scone.
A crumpet is made from a yeast bread dough but it has bicarb added so it makes lots of air holes.
Sarah
May 23, 2009
haha I feel like I should be offended, but the photoshopping is simply too good
andhari
May 23, 2009
DUDE i may be indonesian but i know them biscuits.
I like to dip them in milk.
sebastian
May 23, 2009
I think America’s the only country that doesn’t ‘get’ biscuits, Andhari. Most of the rest of the world has a lot of English influences! I guess you guys get biscuits from… hm… Hong Kong? Or are America just the only country in the world that hasn’t worked out how to make a cookie without chocolate in?
Jo, don’t get into the whole topic of scones and stuff… We just have to face facts: England does good baked goods.
And France does even better… (as much as it pains me to say so)
Melissa
May 23, 2009
What is this prejudice against American cookies? Seriously, very few of them have chocolate involved. My favorite is molasses (ginger) cookies. Yum, yum!
sebastian
May 23, 2009
Well, even Brits do better cookies… so it’s just general slander towards American baked goods, I guess.
Were you saying that molasses = ginger? Or that they’re made with molasses and infused with ginger?
I’ve grown a little sick of ginger; my grandmother puts it in EVERYTHING she makes now. Must be part of getting old.
Rini
May 23, 2009
Jo – I think it’s the combination of the words “digestive biscuits” and the idea of them being related to what I, as an American, know as a cookie. I’ve eaten them before… Can’t say they were even that memorable… I think the ONLY reason I remember eating them is due to their name.
And Chik-Fil-A is not a good representation of US food… that’d be like saying McD’s is too. Though, I will admit in some essences they ARE. Only because of our idiotic fascination and obsession with fast food. However, there are some really interesting cuisines around our nation, and to make a blanket statement against them all (Sebby)… well, yeah.
… Ginger helps against nausea, if your Grandmother is having upset stomachs and getting more sensitive to food, then it’d make sense.
Sebby… I don’t know how/if we can be friends if you’re going to keep bashing good food…
Have you even tried a snickerdoodle (it must be soft) or red velvet cake???
Eleni
May 24, 2009
Okay, I’m coming into this discussion a day late and am a little confused. First of all, in the post Sebastian mentions eating a chocolate biscuit and then in the comments seems to be bashing American cookies for having chocolate. Yes. Um, I guess Seb’s issue is that apparently he believes that chocolate chip cookies are the only kind of American cookie, which is obviously false. Gingersnaps, which frequently use molasses for flavor and sweetening (does that clarify things?), are a great example. I make mine with cinnamon and cloves as well. No chocolate. I would list other non-chocolate cookies found in the U.S., but I don’t think Seb actually believes there aren’t any American cookies without chocolate–he may at times be stubborn and unreasonable, but he does not seem to be unintelligent. Now, regarding the quality of these cookies, I’d be the first person to say that any cookie found in a package in a supermarket here is probably not worth the calories. But homemade cookies or ones at a good bakery can be amazing.
What has me the most baffled, though, is this American vs. British food argument in general. I’m pretty sure that both American and British cuisines are jokes to the rest of the world. American cuisine is known for making you really, really fat (and thus it seems to make sense that we would be good at cookies). British cuisine is known for being god-awful. Not necessarily my opinion in either case–I’m just giving a general assessment of reputation.
sebastian
May 24, 2009
I’m certainly not referring to cuisine in general (though I think England has more Michelin-starred restaurants than any other country in the world?), just… biscuits.
I think I’m just pointing out that in America they’re all called cookies, irrespective of how they’re actually made, or made of. You had to go and take a reasonably-named product — the biscuit — and change that into (as Jo points out) the equivalent of our scone. What was wrong with keeping biscuits, and then adding cookies to your repertoire?
I’m sure the world is grateful for your chocolate-chipped addition to our globalised palates, I’m just bitter at the language misuse.
Also, as an aside, I think cookies in the rest of the world, are quite different from biscuits — different texture, preparation and tempering (?). We have gingersnap biscuits! And I guess we have gingersnap cookies too (though I don’t know if I want a crumbly cookie’ish gingersnap…)
Don’t forget we have bad teeth too.
Melissa
May 24, 2009
Now hang on just a darn minute! Crumbly cookies are gross. Chewy all the way! And I have to agree that home-made cookies are the only ones worth eating. How else are you going to get the gorgeous, fresh from the oven taste?
Seb, you’re going to have to explain something — biscuits are only the crunchy, round delicious ones like in the picture above, right? And all other round, sweet, flat baked items would be called cookies?
sebastian
May 24, 2009
Sorry, yes… I didn’t mean just crumbly — I guess cookies are defined by… a dollop (that must be one of the best Imperial measurements?) of mixture on a cooking tray.
I assume that biscuits are made in molds or something. Or baked at a higher temperature? Or I don’t know… I’ll have to ask mum!
The chewiness of cookies comes from egg content I guess? And… partially-caramelised sugar?
I don’t know anywhere near enough about the science of baked goods…
Melissa
May 24, 2009
As much of a food nut as I am, the only sure-fire way I know of to get chewy cookies is to leave them on a tray in humid weather.
I was messing around with a banana-oatmeal cookie recipe, and nothing I tried came out as planned…. Alas. I will have to go to culinary school one of these days and learn the secrets of the universe.
sebastian
May 24, 2009
Please let me sample your homework…
My mother comes from a time when you could even do ‘cookery’ at high school. Back when ‘home making’ was probably a valid subject choice too…
Melissa
May 24, 2009
Ah, the good old days. My mom took “home economics” and learned to sew her own apron. Before baking while looking fabulous in it, naturally.
I love the 50′s housewife style. Be warned, you might not like my homework. I just left the salt out of my sourdough bread. (And if we’re going to split hairs it’s not actually sour either!)
Melissa
May 24, 2009
My favorite thing about 50′s housewives: The afternoon cocktail hour.
sebastian
May 24, 2009
Did that conveniently convert into a more politically correct and abstinent High Tea With Cakes And Scones hour?
Or do the American housewives still partake in the cocktail…?
Melissa
May 24, 2009
Weeeeeeeeeeelll….. nothing in my life is scheduled right now except baby nap times. However, my sister and I have been known to partake of cocktails after the kids are in bed. All the “mommies” (as we are pretty much officially called these days) that I know don’t really have time for that kind of thing, though. During the day it’s way too crazy, and once the kids are in bed the tendency is to collapse in a heap and fall asleep yourself.
I think maybe what happened to cocktail hour originally is the same thing as what happened to Valium: Women peeked outside the house and made a break for Real Life, and in all the commotion the cocktails and pill-popping got left behind. If you watch the Food Network (Sandra Lee, particularly) you’ll see that there are a few holdouts yet. Seeing her trill about “Cocktail Time!!!” always makes me happy.
Jossie Posie
May 25, 2009
I am all excited now for Monday.
sebastian
May 25, 2009
BLAM!
My best bit is the samples of American food…
Muppet
May 26, 2009
Resent! Why must the post be automatically discredited?