Shared accomodation is great until your housemate’s mother watches you screw your girlfriend
Warning: This post contains adult themes of a sexual nature.
After the (un)comfortably-short-skirt incident my life settled down: I got a proper girlfriend. A fun-loving straight girl that actually liked PENIS instead of strap-ons — hooray! Now fast forward a year: I’ve been in a relationship for a year and things are going well — as well as can be expected for my first long-term girlfriend!
It was 10am and far too early to be up and about, but we both had lectures to attend so there we were, lamely limping into university, her arms around me.
‘I’d offer to carry you on my back, but I think I put it out during the standing-69…’
We hobbled on in contemplative silence, the night of passion coming back to flood our senses. We grin at each other.
‘It’s OK, Sebby. I don’t think I could hold on with these thighs anyway… What did you DO down there?’
To say that we had an active sex life would be a massive understatement. Once upon a time sex 5, 6, 7 times a night wasn’t a problem. I’d collapse in a sweaty heap afterward but be ready to go again in the morning! Today, a flight of stairs will leave me breathless. That’s why I’ve been working on my cardiac fitness, incidentally. I can’t imagine a girl would be very understanding if I go to all the effort of serenading, courting, wooing… and then not follow through with the goods. Anti-climax, I think they’d call it. Not usually a problem of mine, being an under-sexed geek, but a man should look after his heart! Back at university, I actually kept a list of every available room and surface in the house, and by the end of university everything on that list had been crossed off (I think some of my university housemates are reading this — sorry you had to find out this way but we did tidy up properly…)
In most extended sexual encounters, a couple will go through a variety of positions: the tight, fully-clothed embrace, followed by lingering kisses down the jaw to the neck. A hand slips inside your shirt, or skirt, and then your hands are everywhere all at once, fingertips reawakening parts of you that have lain dormant since the last time you were together; nether regions that can only be awoken by your lover. The kissing and groping continues, the latent heat building up between you until you’re uncomfortably hot. Finally one of you stops and looks down. Pause. You’re at a crossroads: to the left there’s dinner, dessert and Desperate Housewives. To the right, a night of sweaty, limb-entwined debauchery. I grin and slide down over her stomach, leaving teasing little kisses as I go. A quick bite on the thigh and it’s time for sex, baby!
If you’re athletic and gymnastic, or just plain crazy, there are a lot of positions available to you: some intimate, some not. Some easy-going and some so blisteringly intense that I’m lucky if I last more than a few minutes. A lot of couples, I am told, don’t get much further than the missionary position — whether that’s due to lack of creativity, or an upbringing where inventiveness in the bedroom is considered aberrated I don’t know, but they’re missing out!
This is where things are going to become a little Too Much Information (TMI), so if you’re under 18 or wearing tight clothing, you might want to look away now.
We both had a day off and we were making the most of it — sex during daylight hours is a lot of fun: erotic and explicit because you’re totally exposed. It’s about as ‘exhibitionist’ as you can get without actually doing it in public. Little did we know, there actually was a spectator, a voyeur — we were unwittingly exhibiting ourselves! There we were, on my bed, naked and excited. The kissing had come and gone, the foreplay had been abandoned and she slid over my my body into one of our favourite positions (if you can’t see the animation below, you’ll have to visit my blog — it’s not quite right, but it gives you a good idea of what I’m talking about).
I’ll spare you most of the details (you can click the little animation, if you want more info) but I’ll tell you this: it’s a good position, a really good position. For both of you. And I haven’t had the chance to do it in… 4 years now… Jesus. ANYWAY…
You have to imagine lots of panting and whimpering now — mine if you’re a girl and hers if you’re a guy. Faster, harder, deeper! No, no, wrong hole! YES, yes, YES. My arms are burning — I’ve got strong fingers from the typing, but my arms just aren’t up to the job. Quicker and tighter, I give it all I’ve got, hoping we make it to the finishing line together — it’s going to be close, but if I can time it just right and if I don’t pass out… The panting turns to moaning, the whimpering now a low growl. Sebby, I’m… coming…
‘OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THAT GIRL?’
Sebby… don’t… stop!
‘My housemate’s mother is looking through the bedroom window at us. Do you really want me to carry on?’ Mid-thrust, I give her a little wave from my vantage point, hidden underneath my girlfriend’s very naked, very pink and still-quivering body.
But, but… buttt… She squirms around, still very much attached to me and not ready to let go just yet. She sighs. Fine… The g-spot orgasm she’d been seconds away from has eluded her, for a while longer at least.
My housemate’s mother is still watching, her nose pushed up against the window, a rictus of curiousity and terror embossed upon her face. I notice I’ve left one of the windows open. Damn.
‘Should we continue…?’ I don’t want to disappoint our new-found fan. Finally it dawns on my girlfriend that someone’s mother has just watched us go at it, possibly for a long time… She quickly climbs under the duvet and glares at the window. Make her go away, Sebby…
Eventually my housemate arrived — she’d heard the scream and come running. Looking in she grinned at me (another story, that one) and pulled her catatonic mother away who was still muttering to herself, ‘but… she’s just a child…’
What I would’ve given to read her mother’s thoughts. I have my money on: ‘That girl needs a merkin!’
Related posts:
- Time-Travel Thursday: After the first crush but before my first long-term girlfriend
- My mother and I, a tragic tale of thrush and condoms
- Time-Travel Thursday: My first girlfriend
What a lovely bedtime story for Teresa. Thanks for the mental images. I shall sleep peacefully for sure now.
May 14th, 2009 at 7:36 amShe was probably hoping that you/no one was doing that to HER daughter. That’s how Mum’s minds work, I think. I’m very very glad no one’s Mother ever caught me..just friends, his friends….but hey ho.
Also…I somehow found out (I can’t remember how) that not many people know what a merkin is!! I was shocked. They thought I was odd…weird conversation all round I think.
May 14th, 2009 at 7:37 amThis is hilarious! Get some curtains!
May 14th, 2009 at 7:43 amaw i didn’t know what a merkin was..
it’s sad that so many people only do missionary!! how boring!
and it’s silly to think that i’m “more experienced” than some people with kids. and women who haven’t experienced an orgasm? (typically grouped with the same type of sex for procreation types) so sad 
May 14th, 2009 at 8:40 ami find, actually, that young mothers may not be very experienced in that department. it’s the whole sex for procreation mentality vs. sex for recreation. i would think the women who procreate early in their life mostly do missionary for procreation.. which is sad because i like a lotta sex in all kinds of different ways
She was only a CHILD? Bastian! That’s ILLEGAL!
…In other news; your animation doesn’t work.
May 14th, 2009 at 11:29 amWow, that picture shocked me at first then I couldn’t stop looking at the damn thing.
May 14th, 2009 at 11:35 amHm, the animation seems to be a little buggy… sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Here’s a link to the site, if you are curious…
She wasn’t ACTUALLY underage. Have a little faith in me, like I’d write about that…
Think outside the box, Kali, outside the box.
I had curtains actually, but they obviously weren’t heavy enough and I wasn’t cautious enough. It’s just the fact that I had a downstairs bedroom, and I’d forgotten that my housemate’s mother was prowling around the house. I should have been more careful, but…
Pink, I think she was actually hoping that me and her daughter would get it on at some stage… (again, another story for another day)
Times are moving quickly, Floreta. In 20 years, when all vestiges of prudishness have been banished, everyone will have tried every position… I hope
May 14th, 2009 at 12:37 pmOK, it seems to be working… for now… Apologies for anyone reading at work, but there was fair warning given!
May 14th, 2009 at 12:40 pmyeah, you could only do that with someone small and light!
May 14th, 2009 at 12:43 pmYes, but she certainly was not underage… just to make that clear…
I did not have sexual relations with…
May 14th, 2009 at 12:45 pmOh good. the animation is working.
And Mmm, bitey thigh.
May 14th, 2009 at 1:03 pmThat animation really does look quite good.
And, uh, it sucks to be you, though at least you broadened the mother’s horizons! (Every cloud, silver lining)
May 14th, 2009 at 1:13 pmCan’t see it at work. Will have to remember to drop by this afternoon.
I’ve recently discovered the joys of having upper body strength during sex. A lot of fun, that.
May 14th, 2009 at 1:23 pm*lamely flexes where his bicep once was and pouts*
May 14th, 2009 at 1:30 pmThat was very entertaining! And the animation is priceless….
But right now I’m actually trying to figure out how a standing 69 work…. does it involve a hand stand…?
May 14th, 2009 at 1:35 pmI wondered if this would turn into a question-and-answer column…
Standing 69: the man stands and holds the entire weight of the girl (she’s too short to head-stand!) Girl’s legs around the guy’s head, and her arms around his waist/legs.
*fans himself* I need to go get a cold drink now.
May 14th, 2009 at 1:38 pmI feel like you might need to start dating Olympians. That seems painful, but I guess if the pleasure wins out over the pain…
May 14th, 2009 at 1:42 pmPerhaps there’s a reason girls like ‘ripped’ guys…
May 14th, 2009 at 1:47 pmmy last long-term boyfriend shared a room… which didn’t have a door as it was actually the house’s den… but there were curtains…
.. his roommate was dating someone for a bit too, so we all just sort of pretended like we didn’t know what was actually going on in that room….
There was a time, where we didn’t get caught, but I remember that we were in the shower together and there was a knock at the door “Sean, your family’s here”…. the bathroom had 2 doors, one of which went into another housemate’s room, through which I sneaked out.
May 14th, 2009 at 2:17 pmI think it’s funny how the mom kept watching. Creepy too.
May 14th, 2009 at 2:21 pmThat looks like a fun position. I think I missed the rest of the story because I was too busy looking at the animation. Time for a boyfriend I think.
standing 69?? yikes that seems uncomfortable. haha
and the animation works now! yes that’s a good one:P
May 14th, 2009 at 2:22 pmIt’s like most ’stylised’ positions — awesome, but highly impractical, unless the man is built like an ox and the woman is about 90lbs.
Fortunately, I was once more butch and bovine than I am now.
Shared bathrooms are a killer, Rini… been there…
May 14th, 2009 at 2:28 pmI was thankful for the other door…. It’s just more of the “holy crap we’re both naked and *ahem* and your whole family is here waiting on you”…
May 14th, 2009 at 2:48 pmFirst off I couldn’t see the animation, which I totally don’t appreciate. Secondly, that was a great story very visual…my imagination really kicked in reading this
I am sure your roommates mom still thinks about that day and wonders why no one ever gave it to her as good.
May 14th, 2009 at 2:48 pmhahahaha love it– the sex q & a comments were hilarious as well.
I’m always reading blogs while the kid I nanny is asleep, and unfortunately the mom was in the kitchen when I pulled up THIS post. really, really hoping she didn’t catch a glimpse of the animation.
also, agree with shulping– curtains, anyone?!?!
May 14th, 2009 at 3:58 pmhow embarrassing!! though TOTALLY hilarious!
May 14th, 2009 at 4:23 pmYes, and for some reason, my girlfriend always wanted to have sex during the day after that… Curious…
I HAD CURTAINS! But obviously, the inner-exhibitionist is just too damn strong. My subconscious left a little slit open, along with a window…
The alternative is that her mother set it all up beforehand… positioned the curtains, opened the window, and then waited…
*shudders*
May 14th, 2009 at 4:25 pmThis is HILARIOUS… and I’ve been there myself, only it was my BOYFRIEND’S mom… whoops…
I linked you, but I don’t see where you linked to the TMI hub here… most people call it a TMI Thursday, or put the button on the post? Otherwise it’s not really fair…
May 14th, 2009 at 5:26 pmYeah, I’ve had a few walk-in moments with my mother, and sister, but nothing that comes close to that damn ground-floor bedroom — it was originally the living room of the house, so it had huge windows and a double-door leading out into the garden…
My girlfriend did choose the room though, so I blame her. Maybe she had it planned, all along…
The problem, LiLu, is that today is already my time-travel Thursday, so I tried to incorporate both your theme and mine; apologies, if it didn’t work out just right, but remember… it’s about the readers, not just the writers!
May 14th, 2009 at 5:30 pmToo much information? Never…
And hey, props on finding a way to work merkins into your blog!
I can’t believe you scolded me for being too dirty!
May 14th, 2009 at 5:37 pmI’d been trying to work merkins into the blog for AGES! And now that the hairless cat is out of the proverbial bag, expect to see it used again… and again…
There’s being dirty, and then there’s embarrassing yourself in public — it’s different!
May 14th, 2009 at 5:40 pmYes, but you are explaining, in detail the nature of your embarressment! And I am just being FUNNY!
Clearly, you are the dirtier of the two of us!
Which, fortunately, is hardly an insult.
May 14th, 2009 at 6:08 pmwow, I can’t believe she continued to watch….that’s just crazy….I personally would have been mortified.
but I will agree, that position is pretty great.
May 14th, 2009 at 7:16 pmLOOOOLLL that’s a nice position too I can understand why she’s pretty pissed.
May 14th, 2009 at 8:50 pmhmm not underage but looks like an underage… hmmm i wonder which part LOL.
May 14th, 2009 at 9:17 pmI read this on my reader and wandered over to comment, and had to QUICKLY scroll the page so as to avoid that image above. Jeeeez. So not work appropriate, ha.
Well, I’ve never had anyone watch me before, but definitely hear me. Not sure I would’ve done well though with an onlooker. I probably would’ve freaked out. Kudos to you two for handling it so well.
May 14th, 2009 at 9:24 pmSweet Odin’s Raven, Sebby!
At least she wasn’t watching you screw her daughter from the window, that would have been worse I think…
May 14th, 2009 at 9:40 pmI’ve been working on getting SWF files to play in an RSS reader, MiniD, but actually… perhaps I shouldn’t. It should be a CHOICE thing, if you want to see it or not, right? To be fired, or not to be fired…
That’s the other story I have to tell, Jaime… Just this one was funnier and the other was more, um… castrating…
I’m glad that most of you are in agreement that this is a good position. I’ve added it to my little black book.
May 14th, 2009 at 11:29 pmRe: A ‘few’ walk-in incidents involving your mum and sister – surely after the first or even second time, that was a signal to get a lock…or a sign…or just one of those bloomin’ door wedges!
Or do you leave the windows and curtains open at home as well…?!
PS – Read this on the bus – oh how I chuckled
May 14th, 2009 at 11:32 pmNo lock here, but I’m pretty far removed from the rest of the family… in a little separate wing… Normally I hear them coming (…) but a few times… well, I guess I was too wrapped up in the heat of the moment.
Having said that, you would’ve thought that my family could hear what was going on…
May 14th, 2009 at 11:34 pmIn a wing! Gees, where do you live?! Is it more of a Granny Annexe, or have you recently moved into the castle you’ve always wanted? ;D
May 14th, 2009 at 11:38 pmAhh, love.
May 15th, 2009 at 12:52 am…. I think I just found my new favorite website. Yikes.
May 15th, 2009 at 1:49 amP.S. They look like Sims. So this is what’s going on under the covers of Sims 2 when you get into the bed with another Sim.
May 15th, 2009 at 1:50 amMY BLOG?!?!?
May 15th, 2009 at 1:51 amWell, no. That site with the animations is my new favorite site, hahah. But I’ve enjoyed creeping your blog as well.
May 15th, 2009 at 2:32 amyou should write erotic novels…
May 15th, 2009 at 7:11 amSebby…hmm.
May 16th, 2009 at 4:24 amI’m speechless (or unable to write more)…It’s a good thing I still have one working sex toy to use after reading this….
Only one? I have been told, on good authority, that you need at least two to do this justice.
I have thought about it Chele, but I would need a pseudonym. No, I’m not going to hold a competition to choose one!
May 16th, 2009 at 12:31 pmLike you Mr D, I too have an American and I have to go back seven years to reignite the spark. I know I’ve told you and others that I have no time in my schedule for relationships, but this man was my first love and if I’m honest the only man I’ve ever been able to love, so just a wee bit of advice, dont listen to those who say ‘never look back, always look forward’ though if you ever heard that advice I’d believe you’d been talking to my Mum – but never say never. I’d almost like to think that I am you ten years ahead (or that you’re me, ten years behind, yeah yeah, I’m old!) Honey, if you still love her then tell her, no matter how painful it might be, just do it – life is too short to look at the ‘what ifs’.
I could be looking at stuff with rose tinted specs and I’m very sure I am, first love is the worst love if it never works out, but I’m a great believer in romance – slap me!
I have all digits crossed that everything works out good for me (but I’m the eternal pessimist), but if it doesnt then I can say with all my heart that I did indeed try.
May 18th, 2009 at 6:20 pmIgnore above post – for me its best to be cynical lol
May 18th, 2009 at 7:49 pm[...] Sebastian’s Shared Accomodation is Great Until Your Housemate’s Mother Watches You Screw Your Girlfriend [...]
August 13th, 2009 at 8:35 pmi just discovered this post of yours… that was a good story for voyeurism! and thanks for the “merkin” thing… i dont know about it ’til now.
is this a post for TMI? ‘coz if it is, this is the best one i’ve read so far!
September 14th, 2009 at 3:17 pmI believe ‘TMI’ is a personal thing. If it made you squirm and say ‘WHAT THE FCK?!’ either in your head, or out loud, it’s TMI!
(But yes, it was for TMI Thursday
)
You know, I never thought that the reason this one was so popular was because of the voyeuristic aspect… I might have to write some more voyeurism stuff…
September 14th, 2009 at 3:20 pm