Goo. All over his face.
Another Thursday, another dose of too-much-information. Hit up Lilu’s blog if you want more! This one though is one of my favourites, and one I’ve never actually talked about in public. I hope my friend forgives this little tale about bodily fluids gone wrong.
Once upon a time I had friends. The real type. I would speak to them on the phone for hours, we would hang out after school and play video games, or go down to the park to watch girls. Nowadays I don’t have real friends — I have friends that I talk to regularly of course, just not face to face, and not over the phone. Friends like you, in fact. Eventually I’ll run out of stories to tell, I suppose, and then I’ll have to make some more real friends. But until then…
This one’s about a chap called Tim. I have a few stories to tell about Tim as he was a very interesting fellow; not always in a bad way but prone to moments of weirdness and insanity. He wasn’t a great friend of mine either, but for a variety of reasons we would often end up sharing the same space. We certainly got on fine; he was a friend, but not one I would go out of my way to hang out with.
After a party, I ended up sleeping on the floor of his bedroom. I’m not great at falling asleep, which means I’m normally the poor sod that has to try and fall asleep while someone else snores noisily. That was no different. There I lay, on the floor below Tim’s bed and looking at the lamp beside his bed, wishing fruitlessly for sleep to take me.
He certainly seemed to be sleeping soundly, if the snoring was anything to go by. At first I thought it was just a bump in his blanket, an unseemly fold placed at just the wrong place — or right place, if you’re a hormonal teenager. I giggled. Or maybe, on closer inspection, it was his knee…? I shrugged and turned over, trying yet again to leave the waking realm.
Thankfully, the snoring ceased soon after. But then a rustle and the clink of the bed springs as he redistributed his weight and got comfy again. I opened one eye a fraction of an inch but was surprised to see him looking down at me. He didn’t react, so I can only assume he thought I was soundly asleep. He hadn’t seen my partially-opened eye in the dark.
He looked to the bedroom door to make sure it was closed, and only then did he slip his blanket off revealing, you guessed it, an erection, a turgid penis, a boner — it certainly was not his knee. For a moment I held my breath, hoping that he was just a little hot; praying that he was just getting a little fresh air before he went back to sleep.
But then he went for it. His hand grabbed his man meat and started thrashing up and down and sideways in that violent, unceremonious fashion that only teenagers have mastered. His hips lifted, thrusting his penis and pelvis to new heights. A groan escaped his lips. I wanted to shut my eyes but I’m half-ashamed to say… I couldn’t. Like watching a car drive faster and harder until a crash surely seems inevitable, I was morbidly mesmerised — I wanted to see it through to its conclusion!
The hip thrusting and fist-pumping were rhythmic in their movement, quicker and angrier; I thought he might tear it off, to be honest (I learnt in later years that the male penis can withstand quite a stretching, and beating.) After 10 minutes he started panting. His back arched. Two more decisive, piston-like tugs with his right hand and he shuddered, the orgasm quickly gripping his entire body. His feet twitched, his free hand clenched and he bit his lip as he came. He shot a single, long stream of white, warm goo from the tip of his penis. It felt like it took ages, slowly arcing through the air gracefully, taking its time, picking its target.
It actually moved damn quickly.
Splat.
‘DUDE! It’s in your fucking EYE!’
I quickly leapt to my feet and looked down at Tim’s naked body, his war-torn, victimised cock red and fast becoming flaccid. I looked at his torso where a few spatters of semen dotted his chest. Then my eyes found the sticky trail that began at the base of his neck and followed up over his chin. Across his lips, along the curve of his cheek and finally to the ejaculate that pooled in his right eye socket.
‘Seb, stop staring and pass me the box of tissues.’
Related posts:
Oh, so charming. He’s obviously not particularly self-conscious – in fact, it sounds like he gets turned on by the possibility of being caught.
June 18th, 2009 at 7:43 amHow lovely, first thing in the morning…
June 18th, 2009 at 7:52 amGuy wanks in the same room, shoots all over the place and then has the nerve to ask for tissues?
June 18th, 2009 at 8:07 amI wonder what other escapades he has pulled after this as he doesn´t have much shame in him.
Where do you *find* these people you are friends with? Dear God! I’m glad it wasn’t your eye….that would have been horrible.
June 18th, 2009 at 8:12 amThis story would have been so much better if it had been YOUR eye.
*sigh*
I like Tim though – you gotta do what you gotta do.
June 18th, 2009 at 9:29 amThis is definately verging on dangerwank territory, a new twist mind you!
June 18th, 2009 at 9:31 amI preferred the potted “So I woke up to find my friend having a wank” version argh!!!!. Once again you are relentless in detail, I suppose I should congratulate you on the writing. Or I should congratulate Tim on his…faultless arc.
June 18th, 2009 at 10:41 amI hasten to add, after a phone call from my mother moments ago, that this story is NOT autobiographical. It really was a friend of mine…
MY eye? What, if he’d sat on the edge of the bed and… aimed at me…?
Sickos.
June 18th, 2009 at 12:39 pmTim, Tim, Tim, Tim
There once was a sod of a wanker named Tim,
And the web-blogging world felt quite sorry for him,
For he wanked and he spanked
And he stroked and he choked,
Till his semen flew out with speed and with grace,
And coated the skin of his stupefied face.
Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim,
Was there ever a wanker
More sticky than him?
June 18th, 2009 at 12:58 pmBeautiful, Ape. I would respond in kind, but I haven’t had breakfast yet, nor coffee. Let me get both inside me and I’ll see what I can conjure up.
June 18th, 2009 at 1:00 pmHahaha The only thing better than this post was Mr Apron’s poem! Brilliant.
At least when girls masturbate at sleepovers it’s USUALLY significantly less messy and more discreet…
June 18th, 2009 at 1:25 pmHahaha.
Most of the time, yes…
I have a good one about my first girlfriend…
June 18th, 2009 at 1:27 pmDo share.
June 18th, 2009 at 1:41 pmOh my god. That’s all I can say. Oh my god.
I live with two guys, and thank god I’ve never caught either of them going at themselves. Or even seen evidence…!
Made me laugh though. Hahaha
June 18th, 2009 at 3:47 pmI. have. no. words.
June 18th, 2009 at 5:23 pmMasturbate FAIL.
I’ve heard of getting it in the GIRL’S eye… but this is a whole new level.
June 18th, 2009 at 6:33 pmwell now. how is THAT not incredibly embarrassing? the things that happen to you just make me shake my head sometimes.
June 18th, 2009 at 6:45 pmWas your mother phoning from another wing of the mansion? ;P
June 18th, 2009 at 7:37 pmhahahaha you would take Lilu’s tmi thursday’s to a whole goo level. (hah! what a knee-slapper.)
…now I’m off to read hers… hopefully it’s goo-free, not sure if I can have two servings of that kind of story in one day…
June 18th, 2009 at 8:15 pmHoly shit. You watched!? Crazy. I mean, I might’ve, but I’m a girl… Damn. What kind of conversation did you two have about that? Did the topic ever come up (no pun intended)?
June 18th, 2009 at 10:24 pmHehe.
Startlingly vivid as the ending of this post may have been, it was the start that struck me most of all…
… Because I found it really weird to read “once upon a time I had real friends”
When that’s EXACTLY what’s been on my mind recently!
Not that I don’t have friends… I do… somewhere. I just don’t keep in touch with them properly, and the closeness is faltering just a little more every day. And I’m so convinced I’m too “busy busy busy”, and that I “never get a chance to see them”.. ie.. don’t make time anymore.
Need to cop on.
…eh. Sorry to raise the tone of the comment thread…! My bad! Continue with the cum-puns! (That’s right MinD, I mean you! That may not have been intentional, but it was great!)
June 18th, 2009 at 10:35 pmAwesome! I had a friend that something similar happened to. Except there were three guys, three recliners, one beater. And it hit the tv screen. And the only thing the other two woke up to was the guy trying to clean off the tv with his pants off.
June 18th, 2009 at 11:29 pmSarah and Mini D… Let’s just say that, in a normal day, I wouldn’t have even raised an eyebrow at either of your puns. But today being Thursday, TMI THURSDAY, you both sent me into fits of giggles. A whole goo level… *fans self*
We actually agreed to never talk about it again, Mini. But I recently heard parts of the story repeated to me from another source, so I figured he must’ve told someone else. Sounds like free game to me…
We never did see eye to eye afterward, though…
Stephanie, that sounds beyond grim. Being caught after the deed is worse in my opinion, especially if it’s all over something in a public space. Kudos for hitting the TV though! Unless he was pushed up against it in the first place .. … (some guys like to get up close and personal with their porn… I’m told…)
That’s exactly the same way I feel about the situation, Pinginrua! I’m also amazed that when I do finally see the one or two people that I consider friends, they neatly ignore the fact that we haven’t talked in 6 months or a year. Perhaps they’re just as bad as me, though…
I guess this is a modern, Internet-related phenomenon
June 18th, 2009 at 11:42 pmomgd, has it ever crossed your mind that he could be masturbating for you?
urgh?
June 19th, 2009 at 9:03 pm“Sounds like free game to me”
FAIR game, not free game.
June 20th, 2009 at 6:37 pmWell, it was a mix of fair game and free ride — I didn’t mean either particularly, but a bit of each!
I do so love your friendly comments. They are the highlight of my day.
June 20th, 2009 at 6:40 pmLOL Nice friend!!! My friend told me about him getting his “goo” in his eye and how much it stung. TMI!
June 21st, 2009 at 3:27 am[...] Sebastian’s Goo. All Over His Face. [...]
August 13th, 2009 at 8:31 pmeeew. i’d never sleep at that dude’s house again.
September 28th, 2009 at 4:26 pmCandace — it stings a bit, but it’s water-based… it’s fine. It’s more that eyes are just not used to having… stuff on them…
Casey, we remain friends to this day…
September 28th, 2009 at 4:35 pm