Naked with a fan between my legs
Phop, phop, phop.
The sound of a fan mere inches from my gonads. The slightest of slips and, in spectacular fashion, all hope of future Sebastians goes down the drain. Earlier, some of my leg hair got caught between the blades and it hurt like buggery. A small price to pay for wind-chilled testicles though; if they get too hot it can make me impotent, right?
I took my shirt off hoping for a slight reprieve and it worked for a while. But now I’ve soaked through the chair I’m sitting in and not only am I hot, I’m sticky. Sticky.
I’m amazed that my keyboard hasn’t yet short-circuited. I’ve been looking into getting one of those plastic covers that they use in McDonalds to prevent them from getting gunged up with grease. Mind you, death-by-keyboard-electrocution has to be the best way a geek can go…
It’s made all the worse by spending 80 to 90% of my waking life in front of three computers, four screens and an amplifier that generates enough heat that my cats always flock to it in the winter. It’s about 3 kilowatts in total, which is great in winter… but not in the summer. Perhaps I should get out more I often find myself thinking as I swing around in my computer chair, waving my arms about like a retard and desperately trying to create a breeze.
But in a brief moment of clarity I realise I shouldn’t be moaning or despairing: melting into an amorphous puddle of goo in a bedroom surrounded by high-tech equipment with a tall glass of cold, clean water is a lot more desirable than passing out in the wild undergrowth of Central Anatolia, Turkey.
And so it is, with gooey stumps that would make a leper proud, with gangly digits that were once well-formed and finely-honed typing machines, I write this entry.
I had planned to write something else, something deep, but the pervasive heat is debilitating. Instead, I’m going to tell you about the few times I’ve almost died of heatstroke or dehydration. What a thrilling topic for a blog entry. I’ve interspersed a few pretty photos to make it less boring.
June 29th 2009, Sussex, England
(See picture at start of entry)
Consumed four pints (2 litres) of water… and sweated it all out again through my fingers. Laptops should be outlawed in the summer. Sat outside in the sun for a while hoping the breeze would somehow utilise the sweat that glistens from every part of my body. No breeze, just felt like my brain was being baked while still safely within the confines of my skull. The feeling of sweat dripping from under your arms onto your hips and legs is quite unique, but not entirely unpleasant.
July 2007, Cappadocia, Turkey
In hindsight it was perhaps rather stupid to take a taxi ride out into the middle of nowhere and then pick my way over the weird and wonderful ‘moonscape’ terrain of Cappadocia. On a normal day I guess it would’ve just been silly, but in the middle of summer with temperatures reaching over 40C (100F) and only a small bottle of water it was stupid. I was very nearly a winner of my very own Darwin Award. As with most of my recent exploits, it was obviously to take photos — and it was probably worth it, despite the near-death experience. Check out the lovely hand-carved cave that I found while crawling along the ground, gasping for air and praying that someone would find me, or I would find civilisation. This is probably over 1500 years old!
Somewhere in South England, 1996
I actually keeled over in some woodlands by school, back when I was 12. We’d been exploring (as kids do, when they go to private schools in the countryside and they’re skipping a class they don’t like) and… I guess I pushed it too hard. I’ve never been the fittest person in the world — the thought of exercising just for the sake of being fit is completely foreign to me — I always thought I’d rather be reading or sitting in front of a computer learning something. The pen is mightier than the sword, right?
Anyway, where was I…
Yes, I passed out in the woods and my friends had to carry me back to school. I am told that, to avoid getting into trouble, they conjured up a great story that involved me being bitten by a snake. Unfortunately, we had leaves and twigs in our hair — oops!
Ostia Antica (30 miles from Rome), October 2008
Instead of Pompeii I decided to go to Ostia Antica, an ancient ruin that has always been overshadowed by its volcanically-preserved sister. I think Pompeii is meant to be in better condition but a) Ostia Antica is only half an hour instead of 4 hours from Rome, and b) it’s almost completely devoid of tourists — so I went to Ostia and it was awesome! Except for the nearly-dying bit.
For the 8 hours I was there I saw three people — and we’re talking about a large city that once had a population of 75,00 people! Originally it had acted as the harbour city of ancient Rome between the 7th century BC and 4th century AD, and some pesky Arab pirates finally caused its downfall in the 9th century. Anyway, I ended up very lost in some ancient Mithraic catacombs; lost and without water.. in the dark. Let me tell you something: ancient religious sites are scary. Dark and scary and damp and silent… except the occasional skitterings of creatures you will never see. I will write about it properly as my travel stories of Italy have finally reached Rome — but the point is… actually, I don’t know what the point is.
Why am I writing in this weather? I’m going to look for another fan…
Related posts:
- Home alone at last; naked and un-American
- A long-awaited holiday to the Faroe Islands!
- I’ve conquered a city that even Alexander the Great could not
Hm. Dude. This made me laugh. WAY too hard. The cough of the devil showed up as a consequence.
And now I know to take my precautions during summer. HUGE water bottles and a guy to carry me when I faint.
June 30th, 2009 at 8:09 amdo tell, how hot was it in Sussex today? I’m very curious to hear what you consider “hot” in England.
My friend in Wales is always complaining as soon as it reaches 80, which I find rather funny. Kind of like the people in San Francisco who whine about not having an AC on the two days a year it reaches 85.
June 30th, 2009 at 8:38 amIt got to 81 last night where I am (North of England) and it’s very hot for us.
That cave is beautiful Mr. S.
June 30th, 2009 at 8:48 amYou probably should have clarified that in order to trap leg hair in said fan you may have picked it UP for some free fanning action?. It sounds like you just have the longest leg hair in the world.
Phop indeed
. x
June 30th, 2009 at 9:09 amIt has made me giggle the past few days reading on Twitter and Facebook all the people in the UK moaning about the heat. Quit moaning and enjoy it, it’s not like it’s going to last for long. It will be raining soon, and then everyone will be moaning about that!
It’s been in the 90’s (about 34 degrees celsius) since the end of May and will only get hotter and hotter! (Until about October)
June 30th, 2009 at 9:46 amAt last! We finally know where the missing 4th BeeGee ended up!
June 30th, 2009 at 10:03 amTell the paparazi quick, we can earn a fortune!
The Triffids – Australian band – captured the languor of hot and humid days with their song “Too Hot to Move”
It’s a dual problem in our flat, keeping equipment cool and finding quiet fans; this time of year, after 2.30, the sun reaches the workroom and that’s it till 7 or 8pm unless you want temporary weight loss and/or dehydration.
I’m off for lunch and another cold cure… yes, the summer cold strikes again.
June 30th, 2009 at 12:16 pmIt also sounds, from the title of the blog, like you have a fan (meaning, one who follows you with adulation, praise and respect) between your naked legs doing something to your gonads.
Shame on you for the false advertising.
June 30th, 2009 at 12:28 pmMost of the thought that went into this blog entry was thinking of a good title, Apron… I’m well aware of the double-entendre, young sir!
There was possibly even a slight smirk on my lips in the first photo to indicate that, perhaps, there was a fan involved just out of shot.
Hannah, it peaked at around 30C, 90F. I know that we Brits have a thing for whining about the heat (or whining about everything, if you believe those pesky Australians…) but 30C is REALLY hot for us. Just imagine if it hit 30C up in Eskimo land or something — they would probably keel over and die. It’s just about dealing with expectations!
It was 55C in Sudan yesterday. 55!
Andy, you’re in one of the few locations where you can probably hire someone to carry you around the place… take advantage of that!
Thank you Rachel, and Jo, for entirely different compliments.
You can tell by the way I use my walk, I’m a woman’s man, no time to talk…
June 30th, 2009 at 12:45 pmEeeee I want to go to Ostia. I’ve wanted to go to Ostia for YEARS. Someday!
Hehehe 30 degrees.. it was 38 here last Wednesday, and 30-35 for most of the rest of the week… But, you told me that the cold is different so maybe the heat is different too? Either that or you’re just not used to it!
June 30th, 2009 at 12:52 pmOur roads begin to melt at around 30C. I don’t know why, they just do.
It’s just the same way Japan is designed for earthquakes and some cities are designed for flooding — we are NOT designed for anything over 30C, because we so rarely experience it (a day or two per year).
We’re temperate-climate crybabies, basically.
Ostia’s beautiful… you would’ve loved it; I actually thought about that a few weeks ago, when I was going through photos. You should definitely go (and it’s cheap to get to Rome, and equally cheap to get to Ostia…!)
June 30th, 2009 at 12:57 pmI’ll go this year, somehow. I HAVE to. I know I’m going to Rome at some point in my first semester, for some field work. But I don’t know if we get to see Ostia. If not I’ll have to go back myself!
Also, if you ever go back and you want to see something like Pompeii but not, go see Herculaneum! It’s was also destroyed by Vesuvius in 69, but it’s not as touristy as Pompeii.
June 30th, 2009 at 1:03 pmi feel you on the sticky stickiness not good and the lack of breeze is jst punishment.
please be careful near the fan… you are too funny and cool and geeky and talented and hairy not to hve kids. future generations would be robbed if u didn’t spawn:)
thts my say 1 nice thing to someone for the day!
June 30th, 2009 at 1:04 pm‘Don’t chop your testicles off, Seb.’ That’s your nice thing of the day? Angry and bitter Rambles, sheesh!
(But no, really… thank you… I just hope I can find a suitable Aryan woman to bear my children.)
As I said, Hez, it’s really just 30 minutes from Rome. A couple of trains. Just disappear for the day… or claim affliction by a disease that keeps you bed-ridden…
I looked into Herculaneum for the same reasons, but it’s still very far away. Like, you can’t day-trip it from Rome unless you only want an hour or two there.
June 30th, 2009 at 1:10 pmBe glad you don’t live in Malaysia. I’m not made for those temperature either. Thank god for air-conditioning.
June 30th, 2009 at 3:13 pmWell, that’s the other thing, most nations that are hotter than ours have air conditioning. We don’t!
I mean, we have it in newer cars, which is why you often see Brits in their cars, windows rolled up and waiting out the end of the heatwave…
Or under the AC unit that you can often find at the entrance to big department stores… but that makes me feel like a commoner.
June 30th, 2009 at 3:15 pmI don’t know if I wanted the mental picture of your bits getting fanned. :- /
June 30th, 2009 at 3:46 pmYou’d make a good tour guide for people who are interested in taking pictures.
Also, maybe you should take a cold shower.
June 30th, 2009 at 7:28 pmA fan and nether regions, not the most brilliant idea.
Cold showers and standing in front of the freezer in your undies is much better!
June 30th, 2009 at 8:01 pmIn one town where I lived in Texas the sun would come up one day in mid-May and the temp would hit 100…and it, the daytime temp, wouldn’t drop out of single digits until late-September. The lows were also all in the low to mid-80s. One Fourth of July I remember going out for a bike ride on Galveston Island. Probably not the smartest decision I’ve ever made and it would totally fall into your “times I’ve almost died from heat” category. It was about 110 with 100 percent humidity. For some reason I had to stop and buy more water and Gatorade. Strange that.
Just be careful rolling around with the fan down there, wouldn’t want any accidents.
June 30th, 2009 at 8:40 pmSorry Jossie… I’m a bit of a fan of visceral imagery. I like to throw you RIGHT INTO it!
Tomorrow’s blog entry’s about that, Kevin. There’s hot and then there’s 110 degrees with 100% humidity. Us Brits are surprisingly resilient when it comes to hard graft or war times… but when it comes to heat, GOLLY GOSH!
I’ve thought about doing trips around the world with other people, Jaime, as a paid tour guide. Perhaps when I’m older and wiser, and a famous photographer. I’ll know exactly where to take people to experience the finest views in all the land! It’ll be for very rich people though…
I guess pics of freezer-hugging are out of the question, Melissa?
June 30th, 2009 at 8:47 pmThe best thing about working in a supermarket is the air conditioning.
For the first time in weeks I am happy to go to work, because it means I will not be melting in to a small puddle.
Of course, once I finish work and step outside the door the heat hits you like a small flamethrower. That’s less fun.
And I love your Ostia photo! Ostia is absolutely gorgeous, I’ve only seen part of it (was on holiday with my family so we went at their pace), but that bit was fabulous. I need to go back to Italy >.< Rome is the only city I've ever actually liked, I get fed up with London after a few hours, Paris sucked and Athens was too polluted. But Rome was lovely.
I shall stop raving about Italy in your comment section XD
June 30th, 2009 at 9:54 pmPhop Phop Phop? Oh man, verbal sound effect of the day. I will steal this…
July 1st, 2009 at 3:49 amIt came up in chat last night and I felt that it was simply too good not to re-use.
Phop.
It’s more of a big, ceiling-attached fan though.
If you’ve seen the start of Apocalypse Now… that kind of thing.
Phop.
July 1st, 2009 at 3:52 amOh God, this made me laugh so hard. I usually agonize over the coming of summer since the temperature is usually about 37C where I live, and the humidity makes you instantly sweat when you go outside. I remember once several years ago, I was going to tennis practice, and it was so hot outside, I could feel the heat coming through my tennis shoes. I eventually had to go home because I felt like I was gonna pass out from the heat. Thank God for air conditioning!
Btw, I love the pics!
July 1st, 2009 at 6:01 amAh-hah! You’re a photographer too, excellent.
I assume if global warming continues we’ll be forced to finally install air-conditioning in the UK… hooray!
Thanks for stopping by
July 1st, 2009 at 12:40 pmSebastian, do you have a flickr account? If not, you should get one and we can be flickr friends- huzzah! I mainly photograph nature or places I visit… and random macro shots
July 1st, 2009 at 4:08 pmMental — sorry, your comment got filtered away by my spam addon for some reason… Luckily I had a look through it just now and found your post!
I always forget to take a coat to the supermarket in the spring/autumn. You could cut glass with my nipples afterward. Brrr.
I thought Rome was… nice. It was very busy and very dense in the middle (which is where everything happens, I guess). It’s actually a very small city compared to other capitals in the EU because… well, there’s no SPACE for people to live.
It felt a bit like one big monument to be honest. Much nicer than Paris though, certainly…
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:37 amI feel your pain. It was 40 C here today and I decided that I wasn’t going to make it through the day.
Thank god for air conditioning.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:06 amIt’s freezing down under and I’ve been complaining cause I can’t feel my nose. Then I think about the holiday I’m about to embark upon in a couple of week to Turkey. And then I read this post and remember how hot it can get there. I haven’t been lucky enough to see Cappadocia (yet) but I can just see myself wishing I was back home in Australia when I get there. I must remember to have a fan handy : ))
July 3rd, 2009 at 6:06 pm