The blowback 69
I need to begin this one with a little background information: I have gas; the internal, intestinal kind, the type that comes out both ends with startling regularity. I don’t know if it’s a male thing, windiness, or if some men get it more than others, but I do know that I have plenty. The reason for this is quite simple: I eat a truly diverse range of foods — often at the same time — and I drink plenty of carbonated liquids, like Coke. I mix my food types with reckless abandon, and my stomach and intestines rebel violently enough to generate gas — lots and lots of gas.
Being a full-time hermit, it’s not really a problem: I mean, does a hirsute British bear shit or fart in the woods? Does it really count as burping if there’s no one there to hear it? What’s the sound one one butt-cheek farting…?
The problem is thus: when I actually find myself around other people, I have very good manners. I don’t fart or burp, nor do I pick my nose. I hold in all of that gas until, by the end of the evening, I’m ready to burst. If you’ve ever held in farts for long enough (I don’t expect girls to admit to this, but the boys probably will), you’ll know just how rough it gets; everything starts to feel really… compacted. Holding in burps isn’t so bad, but it compresses the contents of your intestine from the other side! Finally, with enough swallowing and butt-clenching… something’s gotta give. And it’s always your ass. Always.
And so with that introduction… we move onto this week’s embarrassing, too-much-information tale. As always, if you want more of the same, hit up Lilu’s blog. This is a short one, with yet another Flash animation from my favourite site Sexinfo101. If you can’t see the (not work-safe) animation further down, you need to read this story on my blog.
This one’s so terrible that I’m not going to give you a location, nor shall I mention any names. It involves me and a girl. We might be in a hotel or at my house — or we might be in a cave in Turkey — it’s irrelevant, for the sake of this story.
All you need to know is that we’re having sex. Dirty, no-holds-barred sex. The kind of sex you might have with someone you may never meet again or alternatively, a lover that you know incredibly well: you either know exactly where to touch them, or you hit all the rights spots with a fumbled, scatter-all approach. It’s that kind of frantic, frenetic sex where your heart, arms and crotch feel like they might give out at any moment — but that’s OK, because you’re going at it as if tomorrow might never come. You’re there, in each other’s sweaty embrace, breathing heavily and giving it everything you’ve got.
‘Hey baby… how about a sixty-nine?’
I pause momentarily, wondering if calling her ‘baby’ might be spoiling the moment; I ruin the deep, wet rhythm we’ve so carefully nurtured too. I look at her slightly-parted lips and grin winningly as I kiss her closed eyes. Gradually, as she realises that I’m no longer plunging back and forth like a maniac, she opens her eyes to look at me. A gentle sigh escapes from her lips, the fleeting ghost of a moan that never quite made it. ‘Sure!’
Up she climbs into old-faithful sixty-nine. I guess it varies from girl to girl, but she certainly likes it. She’s one of those few delightful girls that actually derive a sense of power and pleasure from deep-throating a long, hard penis. Funnily, most men like it because it’s very dominating — but girls like it because they’re totally in control of the man’s pleasure. And with the 69, there is of course the tiny matter of the girl receiving oral sex too, which normally settles the deal. It’s safe to say that the position is, for almost all intents and purposes, awesome.
I’ll let the animation above do most of the talking as I don’t really want to make a name for myself as a softcore erotica writer (can’t see it? You have to read this story on my blog!) Perhaps, if one day I feel the urge, I’ll start another blog and write pseudonymous porn under my dress-up-at-weekends alter-ego ‘Debby’. But I digress…
She was quite thin, so I could easily see over her stomach and breasts to her head and mouth. Magically, mystifyingly bobbing up and down. She realises I’ve stopped to look and grunts in that I’m-not-using-my-teeth-but-I-could-if-I-wanted-to way. There was actually one girl, a few years back, that took my cock out of her mouth, looked down at me, staring up from between her legs and boldly stated: ‘Look Seb, get on with it. This position does my knees in and I ain’t got all day.’ This girl was more polite and I took the hint: I got back to work and the thrusting, sucking, whimpering and moaning continued.
It’s all going so well. I can hardly see — damnit, I need wipers attached to my forehead — but what I can see looks damn fine! My body starts to tingle, starting at my toes and quickly zipping up my thighs to my groin. I have a firm grip on her legs and back, and I can feel her squirming with the involuntary spasms of muscles all over her body as she orgasms yet again. Any second now I’ll join her. Her head, her mouth, still bobbing, still dipping, still sucking. My nails dig into her thighs as I start to climax; my back arches as my muscles tense and then shudder with a violent convulsion.
PPFFAAAAAAARRRP PfffTTTTTttt ppft ffftt
The monster of all pent-up farts fired explosively into her face. As if the semen wasn’t enough, she’d swallowed her pride and sucked a fart straight up her nostrils.
Those of you that have farted in the bath will know the diabolical intensity of pure, undiluted farts.
We never did the sixty-nine again. And I now excuse myself from a girl’s bedroom for just a few moments before commencing with the foreplay.
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*giggles cos you brought out the sex cartoons again*
ohmy.
i don’t have much experience with this position… :X
but, i do have lots of experience with farting.
June 25th, 2009 at 7:39 amWell, I am told, though I have sadly never experienced, that a girl farting in this position has potentially far more devastation.
June 25th, 2009 at 12:33 pmI love those animations. I sort of stop and stare at them for a while.
I also love TMI Thursdays, Seb. You’re a wealth of hilarious and embarrassing stories!
June 25th, 2009 at 1:13 pmI think I’m going to run out in a few weeks… I need to get into some sticky situations again.
They are rather good, those animations!
June 25th, 2009 at 1:15 pmYeah, I was stuck for a post last night and I thought about trying a TMI… but my embarrassing stories are all boring and definitely not funny. I’m going to keep pondering, though, and come up with some one day!
June 25th, 2009 at 1:24 pmAh good, a perfect excuse to not try that position.
“Did I ever tell you the story about this blogger called Seb…”
June 25th, 2009 at 2:06 pmAh come on…
It was a chance in a million! But, as you may or may not know, million-to-one chances happen nine times out of ten. Damn them!
(That one’s for my fellow Pratchett bookworms).
If you do actually cite me in the bedroom, Mental, please take a photo or record the dialogue… for posterity…
June 25th, 2009 at 2:13 pmMy boyfriend’s ex would ask him to do that. Apparently she got off on guys farting… you should look her up.
June 25th, 2009 at 2:36 pmI shall be sure to take a videocamera with me each time I have sex Seb, just in case.
I’ll also take a crossbow, just in case I come across any dragons
June 25th, 2009 at 2:37 pmWell, I guess that’s a happy medium between shitting on someone and, er, not shitting on someone.
Thing is, she might enjoy it but it doesn’t mean I enjoy inflicting such a sensory assault.
The crossbow thing sounds SEXY, Mental.
June 25th, 2009 at 2:42 pmYowZa!
June 25th, 2009 at 3:31 pmHahaha. Being female, I have to admit I’ve let a couple loose during bedroom-romp-time… happens to the best of us!
I think, in that case, we should probably form some kind of community where farting in the bedroom is accepted or even lofted up high and praised.
The Dutch Oven would be the ultimate display of love and acceptance.
Or maybe not…
June 25th, 2009 at 3:34 pmSADLY never experienced? why would you want to experience a girl farting on your face??
June 25th, 2009 at 4:36 pmconfused O_o
You need to read Courtni’s TMIT blog today because it’s SO right there with this one.
http://thepqnation.com/livingwicked/2009/06/tmithursday-sbdbj/
June 25th, 2009 at 5:31 pmHow ’bout that!
I guess the next step would be to date a girl that also likes writing, experience some freaky stuff together, and then get her to write her side of the story.
It could be quite fun!
June 25th, 2009 at 5:38 pmOh jesus. That is worse than mine. The 69 fart in the face is like a straight shot from asshole to nostril.
*gag*
(Also, I am working on making a soft core erotica literary name for myself too.
)
June 25th, 2009 at 5:56 pmHoly Hell! I don’t even know how I would have responded to that…I think I would have puked…
…it certainly wouldn’t be the first time I’ve puked on a man’s dick…
…happy TMIT!
June 25th, 2009 at 9:27 pm69 is way too complicated for me. I like to be able to enjoy the giving and receiving without having to worry about me collapsing on top of him or not being able to concentrate because I’m too busy concentrating on what HE is doing…meh…
June 25th, 2009 at 9:28 pmI totally woulda farted right back in your face….and hoped nothing more than that came out!
June 25th, 2009 at 10:05 pm“The delectable delicacies of the wind-swept Faroe Islands”
So will they be wind-swept before or after you get there?
June 26th, 2009 at 12:44 amOh, bonus points, Chowny. Just enough bonus points to purchase your very own wind-dried sheep. How do you want it delivered?
Zan — that’s usually the problem I run into. The girl kind of… trails off… I think it’s fairly hard to keep the flow of things, if the guy knows what he’s doing…!
Remind me not to stay at your place on my next round-the-world jaunt, Steph.
June 26th, 2009 at 12:50 amI thought you might like that one
About the wind-dried sheep – I was going to say Eww, but I guess it should be *Ewe*…
June 26th, 2009 at 1:17 amQuick, someone hold me, I think I might herniate.
June 26th, 2009 at 1:19 amSorry, I know it was bad, but I couldn’t resist…
June 26th, 2009 at 1:23 amhaha oh my. Sebs, your scary sex stories keep me from wanting to experiment in the bedroom.
’till I see the animations, of course.
you’re really competing with LiLu this week on ‘which story is more disgusting’
June 26th, 2009 at 2:00 amWowwwwwwww gross I’d be pissed!
June 26th, 2009 at 3:08 amMaybe you could stay off Coke in the days of 69? I hate gas and sometimes I fart too much. It´s hideous!
June 26th, 2009 at 7:17 amI mean this with the utmost love… this was a good “gross me out” one.
Farting makes me vomit. Especially other people’s. I’d take the Mucous plug over farting.
June 26th, 2009 at 1:05 pmSarah — I think my stories tend to be a lot more gross than Lilu’s, but as most of her readers are girls, and her stories are girly, people can relate to them easier! I have to rely on my story-telling capabilities to drive my point home…!
If I knew when the 69s were coming, Chrome, I’d be sure to hold back on the gaseous drinks and foods, but sadly… I just can’t predict with any accuracy when they might occur. I guess getting a girlfriend would help with this. If I can still get one, after writing this…
Katie… the mucous plug was vile. You’d really take that over farting? You could make a lot of money, if you could find someone that would pay for your rather odd tastes…
June 26th, 2009 at 3:23 pmSo explain this to me again. That was NOT soft core porn? Just clarifying.
Farting during the 69. WOW.
Oh and girls hold in their farts until the point of extreme pain and discomfort. I promise.
June 27th, 2009 at 7:03 pmI like giving head but 69 just … just no. Thank you but no. I like to focus on either giving pleasure or receiving it – not both at once.
That’s not to say I’ve never done it, it just doesn’t exactly thrill me.
Also – gross.
June 28th, 2009 at 3:00 amI couldn’t see the animation but I’m okay with that, I have enough experience with the position to not need it.
This was seriously TMI for me. But in true Seb fashion very visual. I didn’t even need to close my eyes.
And for the record: I am a championship burper. Seriously, I can put any man to shame, burp on command and can recite full words. Something my dad is extremely proud of. He taught his little girl well.
June 30th, 2009 at 10:42 pmI’ve now woken up the roommate (and she’s not happy) at 3:30am because I was laughing so hard at your TMIT!
One word- Beano!
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:33 amBeano? As in the comic book HERO? You can’t just say something like that and ruin my (and half the world’s?) entire childhood! Sheesh. I’m glad you laughed htough!
I’m sorry Jossie. I know they’ve been getting a little too graphic and I should probably step it back a bit. Hopefully today’s video blog is more up your alley… …
JPP — I think there could be a market (or at least a viewership) for a YouTube vid of a girl holding in her farts. I don’t mean in a fetishy kind of way but… I don’t know? It could be funny? Do girls make curious facial expressions like boys?
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:23 pmHaha, no! Beano as in “Take BEANO now and there’ll bea-no gas.” http://www.beanogas.com/
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:03 pmYou know, would it be a shock if I told you that it was a very, very American product?
Over here, where there’s enough rain and wind to quickly disperse the incriminating gasses we just… fart.
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:07 pmHaha, no it doesn’t surprise me! But maybe “maybe” wouldn’t mind you getting a little American-ized? Lol
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:18 pm“baby” ***
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:18 pm