Sweaty testicles: meet a bag of frozen peas
Today I’m breaking the mold. If you thought you’d get some kind of smutty sex-related story you’re wrong. Instead, as it’s still impossible to string two intelligent thoughts together in this heatwave that’s currently afflicting us, I’ve made a shiny little video blog. Or a vlog, as some call it. It’s still ‘too much information’, and as always if you want more, head to Lilu’s place.
This video is work-safe, but you probably want to use headphones as I grunt and whimper a little. The peas really are frozen, and the second bag at the end is broccoli.
Entirely unscripted and filmed in just one take, I give to you: Sweaty testicles: meet a bag of frozen peas.
(If you can’t see the video you need to visit my blog.)
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That’s all I have to say.
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:42 amWhat made the video for me: your mother’s delightfully posh voice going ‘I have to cook with those, darling’.
A close second: How you so casually manhandle the boy and his toys in front of your mother.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:01 am*snerk*
Really now. You realize you could just stay inside and keep the AC on? Or sit in the shade in a spot with good breeze? And what are you doing with a long sleeved shirt on? Tank tops do exist and they are quite helpful…
And you could at least put your hair up somehow. Or get it cut a little shorter.
It’s a wonder you managed to survive Fresno really.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:02 amYou’re a crazy englishman, sebby.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:18 amYour mum said b******s!
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:38 amOh my gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah this is ACE….. the “petite bollocks” at the end from your ma MADE this vlog for me!!! lmfao
I can imagine your mum speaking to camera a la Delia Smith saying “now take your petite bollocks and add to the pan, simmer gently” bwahahahaha 
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:28 amThanks for making me laugh so ahrd the people work with came to see what was hapening and we had to have a ’screening’ for them. An entire research division has watched you putting frozen peas down your pants now. Just thought I’d let you know! And I got to explan ‘tmi’ to an ageing academic…
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:57 amWow, I guess that makes me internationally famous now, Helen… I always knew this day would come, but I thought it would be because of my art. Not a bag of frozen peas…
Well, you gotta roll with it, right?!
Sakura — I actually was going to cut it, because she kind of ‘overrode’ my ‘petit pois’ joke (which I thought was rather awesome) but… well… I left it in. It’s not every day you get to hear a mother say ‘petit bollocks’. It had to be shared.
We have a very close relationship, my mother and I…
I might have to keep a ‘reactions’ gallery for photos like Andy’s! Like Two Girls One Cup, if you’ve seen it (I hope you haven’t).
Renee, doesn’t whining get boring? We don’t have AC here. The breeze is almost nonexistent. You’d be great at whining about English weather though. You just need to FOCUS THE WHINE. Hnnng!
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:05 pmDoes your mother not worry about you? I do…
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:40 pmI get it all from my mother. If she worried about me, she’d have to worry about herself…
And we both know we’re quite alright, thanks
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:43 pmHehehe My award goes to the supporting cast, your mom and of course Eric. Both awesome. You, I expected to be hilarious, they were just a fun surprise. Good show!
You should have your mom write a “making of” for us!
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:37 pmYour mother has a lovely voice. I like your cat.
You must have huge bollocks to need two bags of frozen vegetables.
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:42 pmA ‘making of’ like… what happened to the peas before and after?
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:44 pmVast and spherical, like two obese watermelons.
My mother put on her ’stage voice’
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:47 pmThank you all very much for your kind comments. Yes, my son’s penis is no stranger to me, having changed his nappy (diaper) till he was about 7….
July 2nd, 2009 at 3:14 pmI’m glad you enjoyed the film, we had fun making it.
Yes, thanks mum (mom).
Any other embarrassing facts you want to bring to light…?
July 2nd, 2009 at 3:21 pmEr, …um…. well ok. I should say that you are hung like a donkey!
There, I feel much better having gotten that off my chest!
I also think that you should do more gardening and ironing, and you should stop wandering around the village in a dirty mac.
July 2nd, 2009 at 3:30 pmHahahaha. Nicely done. Very nice. It has only reached 86 (F) (Only 30 C) where I’m at, which is still too warm. I’ve been hiding in my apartment with the AC cranked, and the only way to lure me outside is with a Popsicle.
Your mom is hilarious. Absolutely hilarious!
July 2nd, 2009 at 3:31 pmYes… she is hilarious. I wonder where she gets it from…
If only we had AC in the UK. Our cars have it… but I’d feel slightly bad just sitting in the car with the windows up, the AC on and not actually driving anywhere…
July 2nd, 2009 at 3:35 pmSerious bummer. I knew a guy who put a bowl of ice behind a fan, and made his own “AC.” Maybe give that a shot.
July 2nd, 2009 at 3:43 pmaha! Your mother and my mother must be cousins. And I don’t think I’ll be eating frozen veggies for quite some time!
July 2nd, 2009 at 4:14 pmYou have the phrase ‘meat and two veg’ in your country, right?
I hope there isn’t another mother like mine. I don’t know if the world could cope with that.
July 2nd, 2009 at 4:17 pmWe ARE so in sync today!
I’m sorry my accent made you cringe… I adored yours!
July 2nd, 2009 at 4:20 pmoh good god, well I suppose desperate times etc.
Meandering Mel’s AC idea seems like a good one
July 2nd, 2009 at 4:23 pmWell, we are what we are, Lilu. Gotta make the most of it, right? *looks down pointedly*
I linked a do-it-yourself AC unit yesterday, Art. It was fairly complex, but supposedly very effective! Involved lots of copper tubing, a fan, and a bucket of water…
July 2nd, 2009 at 4:25 pm*Ahem*
“I hope there isn’t another mother like mine. I don’t know if the world could cope with that”.
I don’t know if that is an insult or a compliment. Please advise….
July 2nd, 2009 at 4:28 pmWay to take one for the TMI Team!
July 2nd, 2009 at 4:46 pmI’d like to pretend that I’m some kind of modern-day hero worthy of your praise, but truth be told… it was really, really nice. Briskly refreshing.
July 2nd, 2009 at 4:49 pmHearing your mother’s comments totally made it worth getting up today. hilarious! you were rather funny too. I would never have thought to use frozen peas as a cooling-off tactic.
Try not to spontaneously burst into flames. I’m sure your heatwave will end soon.
July 2nd, 2009 at 5:15 pmThis is so appropriate. I literally woke up this morning wondering how your testicles were doing. Mystery solved!
July 2nd, 2009 at 5:21 pmA mix of nervousness and gratefulness has swamped over me, Jill. It could go either way, depending on whether you start sending me creepy postcards or not.
I actually threw my mother into the mix for the men that read this blog (there are a bunch, but they don’t comment). My mum, historically, is a very big hit with guys from 25-35. I’m not sure why…
July 2nd, 2009 at 5:26 pmIt is because I is HOT!
July 2nd, 2009 at 5:58 pmWatching this cheered me up some. Thank you Sebastian and Sebastian’s Mum.
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:18 pmI cant believe it, my laptop cant watch videos right now. SUCK. You said grunt and whimper, I’m frustated right now lol
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:19 pmOh my…can you do the same with dry ice next time? I mean, not to make your boys fall off, but that’d be pretty hysterical.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:31 pmI watch that while watching How Clean Is Your House at the same time. It’s all sortsa BBC over here!
So, what’s for dinner? Peas and broccoli?
I had this great comment that was going to be completely inappropriate and fantastic at that same time but then I read your mother’s comment it didn’t need to be said anymore. It paled in comparison to her wit.
“Er, …um…. well ok. I should say that you are hung like a donkey!”
I am absolutely in love with your mother now. My infatution with you officially transfered to her!
July 2nd, 2009 at 9:26 pmYou’re missing out, Andhari. But I think you can tell that from the comments here, so I won’t rub it in any more!
No, I won’t do it with dry ice. Is that your way of saying that there shouldn’t be lots of little Sebastians brought into this world, Stephanie?! We had peas for dinner tonight, thanks for asking.
Careful, JPP, her ego is pretty big already, what with being the mother of ‘that world famous guy that shoved peas down his shorts’. You would not be the first person to love her though, I assure you
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:57 pmAw, I want to steal your cat and take him home with me <3 I hope your balls have defrosted by this time and there's no permanent damage
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:25 amOMG i can’t believe i’m just NOW getting to this!! HHAHAHAHAH. seb, your family is such a good sport.. haha as is you.
i loved the end where she says “I have to cook with those darling”. and you’re not so hidden manhandling of course. I even laughed when I saw Eric bcos it is quite the inside joke (at least in my mind). hahaha and WHY are you wearing long sleeves on such a hot day?? and it looks like you have the buttons buttoned wrong which makes you look even more eccentric.
This is laugh out loud funny!
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:05 pmTwo thumbs up!
your mom was the actual star of this vid esp saying in her posh voice..”bollocks”!!!
July 4th, 2009 at 12:32 pmYour mum is delightful! I also love the Eric cameo.
July 6th, 2009 at 10:08 pmHaving not had time to read your blog – I can’t believe I’ve only just spotted this delight – your mother is hilarious! Although I do love it when a rather perplexed Eric comes in – he looks like he’s thinking:
‘What’s going on? It sounds like…like frozen peas…but I’m in the garden…they can’t have frozen peas in the garden…surely…should I investigate…?’
July 7th, 2009 at 10:42 pmWell, funny you should mention it, but he was ‘watching’ (?) from my mother’s feet the whole time, and when I grunted at the end he finally gave in to curiousity and came to see (?) what was going on!
He’s the best seeing-eye/watch cat EVER.
July 7th, 2009 at 10:48 pmOh, and thank you for calling me ‘eccentric’ Floreta.
I’m glad someone finally realised that I’m a bit of a whackjob.
Time to go get some tea, some hobnobs, and write tomorrow’s entry!
July 7th, 2009 at 10:49 pm“Petit bollocks” LOL
You made your poor mum film you doing that? Too funny!
You’ve got such a posh voice. Obviously I haven’t as I’m from Essex, as you could probably tell from my vlog!
By the way, that WASN’T suitable for work! Near the end it sounds like you’re coming!!
September 8th, 2009 at 5:11 pmWell I expected you to wear HEADPHONES… sheesh!
There’s lots of warning on what noises are inevitably coming towards the end of the video… you can only blame yourself for missing the tell-tale signs!
My mother and I have a very special relationship.
I think that’s why I like your accent so much, it reminds me of my time at university in Colchester
September 8th, 2009 at 5:14 pm