If you’re not following the news, we’re currently suffering from a heatwave here in Great Britain. This is probably the hottest June in recorded history. In layman’s terms, England right now is hotter than Megan Fox’s well-oiled bosom AND it’s due to carry on for at least another 48 hours. That’s why I’ve suddenly started to use monosyllabic words with reckless abandon on here. And shorter sentences. Thinking, with my brain oozing out of my ears, is very tough at the moment. Which means all intelligent discourse is suspended until further notice. Sorry.
We don’t cope well with heat around these parts and, unlike most other discomforts, we really like to whine about it (you may have noticed). The weather is the only thing that universally rouses us from our quiet, turn-the-other-cheek reverie… we Brits are a bit odd like that. Someone else mows your ankles down in the supermarket with a trolley? We apologise. Stale bread and beef dripping for dinner? Grin and bear it. Germans kicking up a fuss again and invading Poland? Sigh, someone’s gotta deal with it…
But weather… weather is our weakness.
You’ve probably heard us whine about it before (probably while we’re on holiday?) — too hot, too cold, too windy, too rainy (though, after thousands of years of rain, some of us have grown to love it). But what sets us apart from other whiners is the ability to bitch and gripe about the current state of weather – no matter what it is.
Rain or shine, somehow we can always find something to whine about, and it’s usually the heat.
Because I know there are lots of countries that are hotter than ours, let me explain why heat in Great Britain is worse than in other countries! It all comes down to expectations. Most Continental Europeans and Americans just don’t believe me when I say this, but heat is rare in Britain.
We don’t have continental, land-locked weather — our weather is almost entirely governed by the Atlantic ocean (and its Gulf Stream). Our average year-wide temperature is 9C (48F!) Because we’re an island — and a small one at that — our weather is often varied but our temperature is very stable. Our summer average is 15C, our winter average is 4C. We’re certainly not a warm country but we’re temperate damnit!
So when the temperature goes over 32C (90F) like it has today, it feels like the world is going to end.
The thing is, 32C isn’t actually the end of the world, but Britain falls apart when it gets hot. Really, the nation comes to a standstill during heat waves. But so that you can better appreciate the British way of life, let me describe to you our five ‘climate types’ here on our ‘rainy little island’.
0-4C (32-40F) — Cold — January, February
Some say that England is at its finest in the winter and if you like cold, wet-to-the-bone wind and rain, or our fabled ‘horizontal ice rain’, I guess you’ll love it (really, you need to experience horizontal ice rain at least once in your life). When it’s not raining the skies are deliciously clear and the air is crisp but December and January are generally very, very wet. It rarely dips below zero but when it does, we normally shut down for the day. In other countries an inch of snow is a piffling annoyance; in England it’s ‘impossible’ to get to school or the office. In fact, an inch of snow is highly dangerous and is best tackled from the living room with a cup of tea and a book.
We’re well aware that in some countries there can be six feet of snow and business still continues as usual. In England any extremity is cause for a day off — too much rain, too much (3cm) snow, too much heat. I should add that the Scots and Irish are better in this regard as they’re used to snow and sleet — the English are the wusses. Oh, and the Welsh, they’re even more wimpy.
5-12C (41-54F) — Moderate — Spring and Autumn (Fall…)
In my opinion, by far the best weather in England is when it’s moderate; the end of February is particularly nice, which is also the driest month of the year! There is lots of generic-and-overcast British weather in this period, but when it’s sunny it’s lovely! Drizzle is likely for at least half an hour each day. We normally can’t find anything to whine about during this period, except the occasional ‘I wish it would get warmer…’ or perhaps ‘Oh, the blossom came out late this year, not like back in 1971…’
The end of April is particularly lovely when all of the daffodils and bluebells have flowered and you can find massive stretches of woodland carpeted with them. Sometimes, if we’re lucky, we get a burst of glorious weather in May which turns it into the finest month of the year.
13-17C (55-63F) — Warm — Summer
(This is actually in June, and one of my favourite old photos of mine!)
The only months where our average temperature actually gets over 12C are June, July and August. These are also the only three months where there’s a risk of heat-induced apocalyptic melt-down (covered later). There’s actually no less rain in the summer than the rest of the year (though that doesn’t stop old people whining about the lack of rain and the low level of the reservoirs) but it often comes at the end of warm days (tropical-style!) I love falling asleep with the sound of rain on the roof.
On the warmer days of 17-18C kids can often be found splashing in public fountains. Also, as soon as the temperature goes above 12, everyone wears shorts or summer dresses. Even when it rains.
18-25C (64-77F) — HOT — Summer/Spring Heat Wave
This is where things start getting a little hairy. Babies wake up crying. Hairy men walk round topless. The usually-prudish British women can even be found sunbathing. The tarmac starts to melt (I’ve always wondered: do hotter countries use concrete or something that doesn’t melt?)
We get the occasional thunderstorm but for the most part hot weather in England is something truly glorious and cherished. Do ya remember the summer of 67? old people say, reminiscing about a particularly nice summer with lots of days in the 18-25C bracket.
But eventually people start grumbling. Where’s the rain? people cry. All this sunbathing is making my skin peel the silly sunbathers moan. The garbage starts to smell. Tennis players start spending longer and longer spraying themselves with water in between sets. Kids get thrown out of school for reckless water-bombing.
Again, England’s lovely at this temperature, just not for more than a few days.
26C-35C — Nuclear Apocalypse
The following normally comes to pass during what’s commonly broadcast by British papers as ‘THE HOTTEST DAY EVER RECORDED’ (we get at least two of these a year).
- On the first hottest day of the year: People remark about how many months it’s been since we last had a good rain. The reservoirs have magically gone from ‘overflowing’ to ‘almost empty’. Oldies a) reminisce about when we used to get proper summers, back in the olden days – it used to rain proper rain back then — and b) they start dying.
- The day after (really the hottest day of the year): We now have water rationing in place, so that we don’t turn into a third-world sub-Saharan desert nation. Who cares if we’re the wettest Western nation in the world. People can often be found trying to drown themselves in sinks, fountains, bowls of water or even pint glasses.
- Third day, aka Is This What Nuclear Warfare Would Feel Like? Mass-exodus to wetter, colder countries like Iceland is considered. Stories about people getting stuck/drowning in molten tarmac start to trickle in.
- Fourth day, aka The Meek Inherit The World: Computers, fridges and most other utilities such as power substations and water treatment plants break down or explode. The end of the world as we know it.
Anyway, I’m sure the heat wave will be over soon… mustn’t grumble… Gotta think of those guys on the Equator where it’s actually hot…
shuping
Jul 1, 2009
LOL. According to your notes, tt’s nuclear apocalypse (almost) all year-round where I am but yes, it does make a difference on how much heat you can handle if you’ve lived in a temperate/tropical region most of your life. We complain about the weather everyday too. It’s like the closest thing to grab and hammer whenever we need to let off some steam…
Love the pictorials. The last one describes your angst pretty well.
Remember to slather sunscreen all over.
miss rambles
Jul 1, 2009
i hve lived in the UK for just over 2 yrs now and a habit tht i hve picked up on is weather discussion!!i never used to really talk abt the weather b4 but now i must say i hve quite the talent for weather talking/complaining!
and despite having spent 23 years in Africa where its a nuclear apocalypse most of the year i now cannot stand the heat. right now i am considering ice cream for bfast cos nothing else will cool me down!ah life in Britain you gotta love it:)
Hannah
Jul 1, 2009
hahaha!! you poor thing! 90 must be pure torture. And to think, I wine about being cold in anything less than 80. it was about 85 today with a breeze and I even contemplated putting on a sweater while I was at the park.
On the other side of the coin, the two days a year it rains here we freak out and start crying about “that wet substance falling from the sky”. I bet you English folks can drive a lot better in the rain than we can here in SoCal.
Rachel
Jul 1, 2009
*whispers* When it rained, hot and heavy yesterday, I stood out in it. Shhh.
sebastian
Jul 1, 2009
Let’s not start with California, Hannah… it’s often considered to have, like, the BEST WEATHER IN THE WORLD. Warm and dry and with almost no humidity… lovely. The three weeks I’ve spent in LA throughout the years have always been nice.
I also love when it finally rains in LA my Facebook page suddenly reads as a big list of ‘OMG IT’S RAINING!!!’… you Californians are cute
It’s definitely something you can pick up, Rambles. I’ve seen Canadian and Norwegian tourists complaining about the COLD — they’re used to -40 conditions, and they’re complaining about +5.
I think it’s something about England… I don’t know if it’s the constant grey drizzle… or… I don’t know. Perhaps the weather is the only thing we feel comfortable about criticising. We’re such a polite bunch.
Helen
Jul 1, 2009
So what exctly s the temperature there right now? I’m guessing nuclear apocalypse? I’m not going to start discussing the temperatures we have to put up with here, just that if it’s below 20 (C) all the South Africans run and get jackets… right now it’s about 8 degrees and I’m DYING in my huge coat over several layers of warm clothing…
I remember when we had some British people staying with us, we ended up at the coast ad it was about 16 degrees (we were all in long pants and ejcket) and they rushed off to sunbathe on the beach. they were the only ones there, and everyone came outside to look at the crazy people…
sebastian
Jul 1, 2009
*wipes a tear from his eye* That’s the British for you…
We’re normally the people that turn up in shorts and a t-shirt, and are then asked to put something more presentable on…
It’s currently about 32C, and I think it’s due to get a little hotter later today or tomorrow:
http://www.metoffice.gov.uk/weather/uk/heathealth/index.html
We had 38.5C back in 2003. I hope it doesn’t get that hot…
jo
Jul 1, 2009
I think the reason we SUFFER so much from extremes of weather in the UK is that we don’t build for it or prepare for it. It is only very recently that cars have begun to have aircon as standard and only a few offices and shops have it… very few houses do.
I am currently at work in a really hot building( my husband was too mean to pay the extra £8000 to put in aircon) and I have rigged up something quite good…. I have a useless mobile aircon unit behind a fan so that the fan blows the coolish air to me. This only works if I stay seated at my computer though, it is boiling in the rest of the room.
sebastian
Jul 1, 2009
Ben (Jewish Ben, who I think you remember) linked me a fantastic ‘do it yourself’ air conditioning system which we should probably try building: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zR9CA8lJGvs
Alison
Jul 1, 2009
Well, we are just above the Antarctic, with the chill winds to show for it, currently approaching zeros overnight, and in Melbourne some days where it peaks out at 4-5 degrees max. That doesn’t help in summer though. Suffice to say, complain to me when you’ve had 10 days in a row over 40 degrees, peaking at 45.6, and tried to sleep with an overnight low of 36. We’ve had a similar trend two years running now, so I am really not looking forward to the next Jan/Feb period, and would very definitely rather forget the last, for several reasons.
Switching to something lighter, I was showing a couple of Canadians around recently. We were out in the evening with a steady drizzle, not much wind thankfully, and it was probably 10-11 degrees, enough for a warm coat definitely. They were commenting in all seriousness, “Wow, it’s quite pleasant isn’t it, not too cold at all.” They had probably come prepared for winter having flown in from summer, but then, I know what Canadian winters can be like too.
Hezabelle
Jul 1, 2009
I hope there’s a heat wave next summer too, so I can actually warm up!
sebastian
Jul 1, 2009
The average up north is considerably lower than down south, Hez… sorry! I think it peaks at about 30 down here at the height of summer; up there it’s nearer 23-25. But as long as you like rain, you’re golden, pet!
I don’t think you’re as close to the Antarctic as you think, Alison
The tropic of Capricorn runs through the middle of Australia — the ‘European’ equivalent is across the top of Africa. Unless you mean that there’s nothing between you and the Antarctic… but we have the same deal here, we often get cold winds from Siberia in the winter (but still, it rarely goes below -2 or -3)
I think Australia has a weird mix of continental and island weather, not helped by the fact that you’re in a tropical region! But hey, most Australians seem to quite like where they live…!
Art
Jul 1, 2009
I guess that explains you’re awkward positioning yesterday, lol.
I studied for a term in England that started in January. Spring came and on a 50 F (i.e. not warm at all!…) day men started running around the park shirtless until they’re skin turned bright pink. I kept my coat on almost until I left the country at end of term.
Good luck staying cool.
sebastian
Jul 1, 2009
Oh you’re just going to love tomorrow’s blog.
I found a way to stay cool… …
Sarah
Jul 1, 2009
I have to say that the English winter is the worst I’ve ever experienced. Even when I was in Sweden for two weeks over Christmas and New Year’s, it was nice and frosty outside, but it was the nice kind of freezing your ass off. England’s winter was just… wet shit. I never looked forward to spring so much in my life! You guys do have great spring and summer weather though, when you aren’t having a nuclear meltdown. Although sitting on the tube on a slightly warm day could be considered a form of torture if the people around you aren’t wearing deodorant!
Renee
Jul 1, 2009
Pffft. Wusses is right. Over the weekend we had a proper heatwave with one day at 110F (43C) and the next at 108F (42C). Hmmm… 26C is 78F and 35C is 95F. And apparently 30C is 86F. For me 26 – 30C would be just right. That said, I am a total wuss when it comes to cold weather, and what you call “warm” is when I pull my jackets and long sleeves out.
Eleni
Jul 1, 2009
Yay, a post about weather! I’ve experienced horizontal ice rain. I had my wool hat pulled down over my eyes, and I could not see more than the small patch of ground within 2 feet in front of me, because if I looked any higher I’d get stinging shards of ice in my eyes. Good times.
There are some humorous lists out there on a New Englander’s perspective of weather (here’s a link: http://www.hbingham.com/humor/new-england-weather.htm – though it’s out of date with the World Series joke), but they’re clearly exaggerations. How would an honest New Englander’s perspective on weather compare with an, um, Old Englander’s perspective? (I’m from Massachusetts; apologies to my tougher friends in Maine and Vermont)
0-4C (32-40F): I would also call this cold–perhaps pleasantly cold. However, I’d expand cold down to 25F (-4C), then add in 10-25 (-12 to -4C) as “wicked” cold and below 10 (-13C and under) as unreasonably cold (I always associate the single digits F as the point when my breath starts condensing and freezing on my eyelashes–a very odd sensation as I blink and my eyelashes try to freeze together).
5-12C (41-54F): I’d consider this cool to moderate (I think of the 50s as moderate)
13-17C (55-63F): I’d call this moderate to warm (60s are warm)
18-25C (64-77F): I’d call this warm to hot (70s are pleasantly hot)
26C-35C (78-95F): That’s a wide spread… I consider 80s hot, but I wouldn’t start calling nuclear apocalypse until the 90s.
I expect, though, that after some time in Hawaii I’ll find the 80s (27-32C) pleasant, the 70s (21-26C) chilly, the 60s (16-20C) freezing, and under 60 to be deadly.
sebastian
Jul 2, 2009
‘Wet shit’. Thanks, Sarah. I think I’ll write to our tourist office and get that put on all our pamphlets.
New England sounds (un?)surprisingly like Ye Olde Proper England! Though we never get THAT cold, thank God. I suppose we both get the Atlantic wind and rain, and you just get the occasional cold/high from the whole fat-assed continental landmass behind you.
Jill Pilgrim
Jul 2, 2009
Sir, nothing is hotter than Megan Fox’s well-oiled bosom.* Get your facts straight.
*Possible exception: Carl Kasell’s well-oiled man parts.
Jill Pilgrim
Jul 2, 2009
Holy Jesus! How did you get that picture of me to come up next to my comment?! The likeness is uncanny. What are you? Some kind of witch?
sebastian
Jul 2, 2009
MAGIC!
If you want to blame someone, blame the little Internet Elves that do my bidding.
You know, I’m Googling for Carl Kassell and all I can find is a very old — nay, near-death — geriatric man… Are you into that kind of thing?
Jill Pilgrim
Jul 2, 2009
Your Internet Elves are some kind of something.
And yes, old men are kind of my thing. I’m like a pedophile in reverse. I’m a geriphile.*
*I thought I may have just made this word up and I was quite proud of myself, but I googled it and it turns out that geriphile is already a word. Foiled by the Urban Dictionary again!
Melissa
Jul 2, 2009
Two things:
1) Horizontal ice rain sounds glorious. I think I’d quite like living in Olde England, if only it were a bit closer to anybody I knew….
2) Eleni’s assessment of New England weather is perfect!! Though “unreasonably cold” is much nicer than my terms for it, which are not to be repeated in polite society. (Usually reserved for the 4:00 AM trek through 2 feet of fresh snowfall to dig the car out and drive to work. Ahh, New Hampshire!)
Just Playing Pretend
Jul 2, 2009
We’re having a heatwave, a tropical heatwave…
I know have that song Heatwave stuck in my brain.
I blame you.
Just Playing Pretend
Jul 2, 2009
now not know. I swear I teach children grammar. You wouldn’t KNOW it from the way I write NOW though.
sebastian
Jul 2, 2009
Well, I won’t tell the kids if you don’t. Heck, if your kids find this blog you’ll have other things to worry about…
I have songs BY Heatwave in my head — Always and Forever… beautiful song
Eric
Jul 3, 2009
I don’t put on anything heavier than a leather jacket unless it’s a good bit below 0C. Don’t consider it hot until it’s about 30C, and all that changes from winter to summer attire is that I try to wear white on sunny days. I know you said it, but allow me to rub it in a little: you guys are fucking pussies. Come to Ohio, I’ll show you some weather.
sebastian
Jul 3, 2009
Will you show me how to swing a pickaxe too?! Or perhaps I can just sit on a pile of logs and ogle you… that’s probably more my kind of thing, what with my complete lack of muscles.
Eric
Jul 3, 2009
You probably oughta pick a genre of fantasy. Either I’m chopping wood or I’m chopping at earth–’s what a pickax is for, Sebby.
Our blacktop gets bubbly on the hottest of days when it’s fresh tar, but I’ve never seen anything as molten as what you showed above.
sebastian
Jul 3, 2009
Yeah, I don’t get why ours melts so early… Unless someone is holding a magnifying glass just out of frame — you know, to get that ‘killer shot’ for the press. I found a great photo of a plane half-sunk into a runway too — gotta love tarmac!
Could we be panning/diggin’ for diamonds? Or is Ohio no good for that?
Eric
Jul 3, 2009
There’s coal in the southeast.