Where I’ve been with only one pair of boxer shorts
These are my legs, Jesus sandals and shorts.
Sorry for opening with such a picture, it’s unforgivable. But all will become clear as you read on…
Being a man, body hair, schlong and all, there are some things that do not come naturally. Remembering anniversaries. Washing my hands after using the bathroom. And organisation, planning. Lists, I hate lists. I might come across as a deliberate, slightly-gay, well-measured guy that organises his books and DVDs alphabetically, and makes sure everything is just so, but I assure you that isn’t the case. There are a few things that I’m good at: photography for one, I’m perfectionist in that regard. Video games? I’m down-right pro at video games. Rational thought too: if you want someone to make the right choice at the right moment, I’m your man.
But these are living-in-the-moment affairs. It’s the long, over-arching planning that I suck at. If the devil is in the details, I’m Jesus. I don’t keep a diary or even a wall calendar marked with important dates. The only birthdays I usually remember are my parents’. When someone asks me if I’m available next weekend I shrug non-committally, say ’sure!’ and pray no one else has requested my presence elsewhere (I don’t have many friends so I’m usually safe in this department…) In short, I’m a man and I require a good woman to do my thinking and planning for me. Currently this is a role fulfilled by my mother, but I’m sure there’ll be a lucky wife eventually…
[If you can't deal with vivid 'male bits' imagery, the next bit is probably not for you. If you do like stories of this kind, go check out Lilu's blog!]
Anyway, to cut to the chase: I’m the kind of guy that packs his bags only a few hours before he leaves. And I always forget something. I’m fairly experienced at the whole bag-packing thing so I rarely forget anything important — I’ve only forgotten my mobile phone charger once and I’ve never left my passport at home! — but on more than one occasion I have forgotten to pack… underwear. That’s right, I spent 12 days in Turkey, in 40-degree (104F) heat with just a single pair of boxer shorts. (Don’t worry, I had two pairs of socks, my hygiene wasn’t that bad…)
I’m going to use the same picture so you can look at them again but with this new information in mind!
(See those crinkles? They are well worn. They say ‘kiss’ all over them, if you can’t make it out. And those are red lips printed on.)
You’ve probably heard about the ‘back to front’ and ‘inside out’ techniques of odor-mitigation and boxer freshness longevity (or more simply ‘the underpant inversion method’ as I like to call it). You’ve probably seen it joked about in films like American Pie or Van Wilder. You probably laughed and said ‘Eww! Gross! No Way!’
What you didn’t know is that men actually do it.
I know, it’s too disgusting to contemplate, but men actually wear the same underwear for days or even weeks at a time! With creative folding, those sprays that people use to remove the lingering smell of cigarette smoke and a radiator or hair dryer, a man can stretch out one pair of boxers an awfully long time.
In my case, on no less than three different holidays, I’ve taken only one pair of boxer shorts.
I wore them while clambering over the ancient ruins of Thermessos in Turkey. It’s safe to say I perspired rather heavily in the process. Six days later I was still wearing them when I went for a hot-air balloon ride with five other people — they kept throwing odd glances in my direction (which is not unusual) but instead of staring as they usually do, they grimaced and pinched the bridge of their nose, a look of revulsion spreading across their face.
Then in Prague, through 3 days of drunken debauchery and sweaty hiking around the city, I wore the very same boxers. I had washed them since Turkey though.
Finally, during a 4-day LAN Party, I forgot to bring spare underwear. Four days of sitting on my ass, four days of no showers. In the middle of summer and surrounded by 1000 other gamers and computers.
I had to use rubbing alcohol and a chisel to prise them from my skanky, geeky legs. I even had to get my mother to come and help. What can I say, we’re close.
Related posts:
Hmmm… This was one of the only TMI blogging moments of history. I should take a pic of my reaction and email it to you. This time it’s something like this >:-/
Hahaha I’ll let you picture it yourself.
July 9th, 2009 at 7:37 amBleugh. I can happily say that I KNOW my man changes his every day….
I’m a little disappointed at the picture…I was hoping for some nice tight boxer briefs…a la David Beckham *drool*
Nice legs though..
July 9th, 2009 at 7:44 amWhy even bother with the boxer shorts at all? What about going starkers under your trousers/shorts?
July 9th, 2009 at 8:00 amummmm….. ewww
men are gross
at least it will be cold in the Faroes….right? and you wont be sweating too much in your one pair…or are you planning ahead now and taking 2?
July 9th, 2009 at 8:08 amyou mean to tell me you hadn’t sniffed the boxers before putting them back on? some boys do.
July 9th, 2009 at 9:54 amArgh, I wrote a comment and lost it.
I was going to say that the part of me that loves pants is shocked, yet the part of me that has lived with boys is not. I feel like I want to sew you some “days of the week” pants to ensure this never happens again.
Incidentally, if you were a girl you could select an appropriate style of thong and enjoy six (yes 6!- count em’!) days of relative gussetry freshness.
Of course this technique hinges on your shlong, not something I ever thought I would need to write here but there we have it.
July 9th, 2009 at 10:25 amOh my, I’m shuddering! Although also not entirely surprised. I feel that I must point out that the appropriate response for a girl who has forgotten to pack underwear (or in most cases has had her baggage lost) would be to go and buy underwear right away, even if that meant forgoing eating for a day or two!
Of course that is if she hasn’t packed like me – I pack each day’s clothes as a complete outfit, pants then shirt then underwear then socks all folded into a neat bundle. Makes unpacking much easier!
What can I say, I’m a girl!
July 9th, 2009 at 11:51 am[...] Sebastian’s Where I’ve been with only one pair of boxer shorts [...]
July 9th, 2009 at 12:15 pmThe other choice is to hand-wash the poor things! I mean, I know you’re male, so doing hand-wash laundry may be more than you can muster, but at least swooshing them around in a sink with some soap would have to be SOME improvement…. right??? Oh, the humanity!!
July 9th, 2009 at 12:19 pmHand wash? Don’t you need like… callouses and rough skin for that? Like girls have? At least I thought that was the reason my mum always did it… hmm…
Lynda, I’m male, I’m not stupid (though I’m sure those two Venn diagrams have a sizable intersection). Of course I don’t sniff them after 3 or 4 days. I have some sense of self-preservation.
I agree, I probably should’ve bought some new underwear. But… it’s not like this was Spain or America, you know? This was Turkey. They wear all sorts of weird shit over there that I didn’t feel uncomfortable entrusting my bits and bobs with!
I do go ‘commando’ sometimes (but I’m not photographing that, Soup, you perv) but again, when you’re climbing up mountains and clambering over jagged outcrops of rock, you tend to want a little support and protection. Commando is something you can do around the house, or when you go out to party.
Anyway, LOOKING FORWARD, I’ll be wearing just a single pair of thermal long-johns in the Faroes. To keep the important bits warm. You might get a picture of that, Pink, if you’re LUCKY.
July 9th, 2009 at 12:57 pmWait, you can do 6 days with a thong?
Is that before or after inversion?
Women get it SO easy.
July 9th, 2009 at 12:58 pmI am too shocked and horrified to comment today, Sebby.
July 9th, 2009 at 1:09 pmI mean, how am I going to get you married off to one of these nice girls after THAT??
If it is the correct.. er style i would imagine you can go three ways, then invert. By which time it will probably resemble something hideous and .. self forming. Would need to be some sort of fairly even sided design though as days 2, 3, 5 and six, would be somewhat uncomfortable.
I say I would imagine because I have never done this.. and would rather wear no pants than dirty ones. And having no pants does not happen to me.
July 9th, 2009 at 1:13 pmHmmm…
I’m trying to picture it in my (quite creative) imagination but… the ‘tween buttock-cleaving strip would need to be quite wide, right…? And the waist band…?
Don’t worry mum, they’re modern girls.
July 9th, 2009 at 1:21 pmWell ideally they would need to be equidistant, sports type thing.
I never said it was ideal, or comfortable.
July 9th, 2009 at 1:27 pmI feel like we should start a “buy Seb more underwear and staple it in his suitcase” charity fund.
Maybe if you made it part of your travel blogging you would remember. Just add a little bit on the end saying “Today I’m wearing new boxers!” so that we can all rest easier.
I have to say…. if I forgot my underwear the first thing I would do when I got there is buy new ones!
July 9th, 2009 at 1:33 pmIf that’s your way of saying ‘You should totally do a daily column on what underwear you’re wearing, Seb’ — kudos for veiling it quite well!
I can add a PayPal Donate button on the side, if you think people would actually contribute?
I have to admit, I don’t have that much underwear in the grand scale of things. Maybe 5 pairs of boxers, 6-7 pairs of socks.
Of course, if I sold more photos…
July 9th, 2009 at 1:37 pmDid you at least wash them in the sink or something?
July 9th, 2009 at 1:57 pmNo, but if I lie and say that I went swimming in them, does that make it (kind of) better, at least in your mind?
July 9th, 2009 at 2:00 pmDid you ever think of washing them in the sink with some good ol’ soap to keep them a bit more fresh Seb? Or was that just a tad too much trouble for you…
July 9th, 2009 at 2:33 pmI bet you, like the other girls suggesting the same thing, have never been outside their COMFORT ZONE.
Try exploring countries where fresh, running water is a rarity!
July 9th, 2009 at 2:35 pmI think you’re missing the word “some” before men several times in your post
July 9th, 2009 at 3:00 pmgo commando next time seb
wild and free…. freedom! let it breath the freshest air.
muahahahhaha.
July 9th, 2009 at 3:35 pmwait… maybe I’m still too sleepy… but vivid male bits? did I miss that part?
July 9th, 2009 at 3:48 pmThat last part better be a lie…
July 9th, 2009 at 3:54 pmYou mean your stunted imagination couldn’t visualise the shape of my man-bits nor the smell that would be rife, Rini? I am disappointed!
I am often commando at home, Stiletto! But not when I go out. Not after a very embarrassing incident a few years ago…
Jealous, Lilu?
July 9th, 2009 at 4:00 pmstunted imagination sebby? really….
imagery of your boxers, yes… of your man bits, no.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:03 pmRipe and rotten like unpasteurised soft cheese.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:05 pmOh sir, you make laugh. And throw up a little. Mostly laugh though. And for that, I thank you.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:08 pm“I am often commando at home, Stiletto!” — i dont know why that sounds like a brag to me
i smell a TMI? RT commando in public place…
July 9th, 2009 at 7:15 pmTwelve days in one set of boxers, not bad. Actually, sounds like some kind of record. Personally, I’m still trying to figure out the mechanics of the whole thong switcheroo that was mentioned, I’m thinking going smokeless would be the better choice.
A possible substitute: During long trips to the field while I was in the Marines, we discovered the joys of spandex bikers shorts. They keep everything in place, prevent chaffing and, well, by the time you start to ripen, so’s everyone else.
July 9th, 2009 at 7:26 pmIf it helps. I never pack the right things either. I think it’s something Moms only know hot to do.
July 9th, 2009 at 7:59 pmYou know this is why I might be saved if I date metrosexuals sometimes. They don’t do this, righ> But even slightky stylish guys do this, oh no, then my mouth wont go anywhere near that part.
July 9th, 2009 at 7:59 pmI am totally grossed out now….I will never eat brie again
July 9th, 2009 at 8:09 pmI’m not a perv! You’re the one posting pictures of your pants!
July 10th, 2009 at 12:31 amYes, well, men are allowed! Especially when they’re formless, crinkled underpants that have obviously seen better days. It’s like you posting a picture of yourself in granny pants, the kind that go all the way up to your navel. Do it, go on!
I’m glad this little story of my world-travelled boxer shorts really hit a nerve! It got you all thinking! ‘What if my boyfriend actually does this… ‘
And Kevin, thank you for your unique, army-oriented point of view — I’d forgotten that there actually are people that HAVE to wear the same underwear for days… or weeks! I must invest in some cycling shorts.
Any mention of ‘Spandex’ always gets my pulse racing.
July 10th, 2009 at 12:39 amThis is, I must say, not new information to me. I’ve been around the block you see, dated a few types of guys. And there is only one guy I’ve ever dated who’s hygiene habits didn’t bother me. And someday I shall marry him.
I will love being married, knowing that my husband will be wearing fresh, clean underwear every day.
July 10th, 2009 at 2:22 amYes! I’ve been doing it the wrong way all along!
I need a wife and THEN I will have clean underwear!
GENIUS!
… who wants me?
July 10th, 2009 at 2:28 amI need to get a pair of granny pants and will then do as you ask…
July 10th, 2009 at 7:01 amEveryone needs a good pair of kissy underpants. Everyone.
July 10th, 2009 at 8:37 amYou never fail to disgust. You do know that when they forget underwear, most rational, sociable, NORMAL human beings simply go out and buy some.
Underwear is not a luxury item. Don’t be so stingy.
July 10th, 2009 at 9:31 amWell, you obviously haven’t been persecuted for the last 2000 years, Kali. For many Jews, boxer shorts are a novelty, a piece of clothing that for centuries we had to do without. You shouldn’t be quite so narrow-minded; not everyone is an affluent, well-to-do Irelander.
I TOTALLY agree, JPP. I will compile a list of acceptable kissy underpants, and then everyone must take a photo. It’ll be the new internet phenomenon (I thought the frozen peas thing would be, but… now I’m certain the kissy underpants will be IT!)
July 10th, 2009 at 11:47 amHm, honestly, I think it’s a lot different for a guy to wear one pair of boxers for an extended period of time than a girl to wear the same thong daily. I really don’t see the gross-ness in it for a dude. Honest.
You could just be like my boyfriend though. He NEVER wears underwear.
July 10th, 2009 at 7:32 pmYou should be more Martha Stewart-meets-MacGuyver about it and make your own with bits of cloth, duct tape, a needle, and leaves of grass. I’m disappointed in you, really.
July 11th, 2009 at 10:34 pmOh, I would have (and have done in the past) but… well, I’d have to soak the dry, Turkish grasses first. And then probably pulverise it into some kind of paste, then dry it into paper…
I did actually go for a little dip in a fresh-water stream; I guess that counts?
If I went around with no underwear at all, MinD, it would mean taking photos like the one on this entry would be a whole lot more difficult.
July 11th, 2009 at 10:47 pmNice gams there, Sebby…and the Jesus sandals? LUV them.
You men are horribly disgusting.
But I love y’all…
July 12th, 2009 at 5:26 am…dirty drawers and all…
July 12th, 2009 at 5:27 amI’ve been half way around the world in those Jesus sandals! I got called ‘Jesus’ at university (I’ll tell that story one day) and the name, and purpose, kind of stuck. So I now go around the world ‘touching’ people, making their lives better… in my sandals and long-flowing linen shirt and pants.
Someone’s gotta do it.
July 12th, 2009 at 10:47 am