As I write this I’m tired. I’m just back from a family meet-up in London. I didn’t have enough sleep or coffee for the barrage of intimate and deeply-probing questions that septuagenarian Jewish females pitched at me over a four-hour period.
Not only is it the number of questions but the ferocity and varied intensity at which they are delivered. Think of them like baseball pitches: high, low; fast, slow; straight and curved — you need to be able to hit them all! Perhaps the key to surviving such a get-together is the ability to spot the same question but posed ever so slightly differently: Seb, what happened to that last girl, she was lovely is equivalent to What’s that girl’s name again? The one you dumped. Ah, yes, Alice? I hear she’s doing well now. Got her own business! which is the same as Seb, we’re all starting to wonder if you’re gay. You’re not gay are you? You better not be gay, you schmuck, I want grandchildren!
The following tips will help you with all kinds of family get-together, shindig or party. They may even help you with… a reunion; God have mercy on you! Don’t give up if you’re not a Jew — while Jewish relatives are undoubtedly the worst, that just means I’m able to give you even better tips. I’ve been torn to pieces so that you don’t have to!
1. Develop a benign smile
A good tip for almost every social encounter, a benign smile can see you through all but the worst and most embarrassing of situations. With a slight muscle twitch a benign smile can become an apologetic grin, or a toothy laugh as the old fogie delivers yet another awful anecdote from before the War. The reason this works is simple: when a relative isn’t asking you a deeply personal question, they don’t really expect you to talk. It’s your job to listen and look attentive. For bonus points: have a slice of the aforementioned ancestor’s cake at hand — occasionally eat a piece and make appreciative grunts as she talks to you, even if it tastes like crap.
2. Craft an air-tight cover story
Interrogation by persistent family members can be considerably worse than any and all forms employed both today and historically by international security agencies. You thought waterboarding was bad? Try being jabbed in the ribs with a 2-inch hard-lacquered fingernail. Repeatedly.
Thus, it’s important to have a cover story. Depending on your family or culture, you might want to flesh out particular aspects, but in general you must know the following two categories in great detail:
- Your job. You either have a job or you have very good prospects for a job. You are not sitting at home playing video games. You are not at university getting drunk and forgetting your own name every night.
- Your partner. Whether you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, for the sake of family get-togethers, you have a partner. Take a moment to flesh him or her out. Do they have a good job? Are they from a good (and Jewish, oy vey) family? The easiest solution here is to actually get a boyfriend or girlfriend. Never, ever admit to being single. For the sake of argument, a drunken kiss and fondle does count as a prospective relationship.
3. Appreciate the food, even if it tastes like refried week-old fish
Repeat after me: ‘Mmmm! That’s great! Did you put cinnamon in; or is that ginger? Either way it’s terrrrific!’
The only risk with such positive-reinforcement is that they might actually make it again. A fate worse than death. Hm, maybe you should just tell her that it tastes bad — cruel to be kind. But the point is: if you like the food, say so! When women get to a certain age, there isn’t much more to life than visiting the post office, writing letters or making food. Make your ancestor feel loved with a heart-felt ‘mmmm!’
4. Learn the ancestral language — Yiddish, Ebonics, German, whatever
At least in Jewish circles, a few choice phrases can propel you from ‘that runty kid with no chance of finding a nice wife’ all the way to ‘our favourite Sebby who is always given the first slice of cake’. A mazel tov here, a schnoz there and you’re well on your way to becoming the Favoured One. I can’t speak authoritatively for other backgrounds/cultures, but very few families are actually ‘old’ — go back a few generations and it’s almost guaranteed that some of your ancestors were immigrants — so the same trick is likely to work with most languages!
Of course, if you can trace both sides of your family back ten generations without leaving the country, then you’ve probably already gone to finishing school, learnt how to play polo and how to order man servants about — this guide probably isn’t of much use to you.
5. Ascertain your common ancestors and/or history
Nothing encourages love and camaraderie as quickly or firmly as locating a common ancestry! Perhaps you’re talking to a cute third-cousin-twice-removed (totally legal, at least here in the UK) and then you wow her by revealing that your parents and hers used to play naked in a sandpit together, back in 1965. You’ve as good as scored!
With younger relatives — the generation below — you can become good friends very quickly by warning them of what to expect when they get older. Tell a kid how to win the affections of his nasty, doddery grandmother and he’ll be eternally grateful.
With older relatives it’s even easier as they’re so soppy and sentimental — trace their history back until you have a common ancestor, or ancestors that were siblings. Perhaps they were in Auschwitz together? Or worked at the same cotton farm? Finding such common ground is vital to forming strong familial bonds! And might even score you a sentence or two in their final will and testament!
* * *
Any similarities to actual members of my family either living or deceased are purely coincidental. This list is entirely fictitious and does not represent my actual views of my family meet-ups which are, incidentally, pure joy. Please do not stop bringing your lovely smoked salmon lemon drizzle cake to parties, grandma.
Rachel
Sep 7, 2009
So this is how I get a jewish wife! I’ll be sorted by the end of the week!
sebastian
Sep 7, 2009
If you want to attend one of our family get-togethers you are more than welcome…
If you survive, you are more than worthy to be someone’s wife.
Amy
Sep 7, 2009
If you can survive an Asian family gathering (the questions, attitude etc are very similar) I suspect you could survive a Jewish family gathering. Although I think our food might be better…
sebastian
Sep 7, 2009
Better…?! Well, perhaps less… variety-on-a-theme… Jewish food tends to revolve around awful Russian/Polish stuff and nicer Israeli cakes and falafel . If you stick to the Arab bits, it’s all good!
Now I want to try an Asian family gathering…!
Ben
Sep 7, 2009
Speaking as a survivor of many Jewish family reunions:
Brilliant!
Sad you didn’t drop by but understandible given the likelihood of further interrogation at the hands of my family.
sebastian
Sep 7, 2009
Drop by…? Where?! Did I get invited to something without knowing…?
Ben
Sep 7, 2009
You said it was in London? You need no invitation; invitations are for mortals! Simply kick down the door and make yourself at home.
timoteo
Sep 7, 2009
Excellent tips Seb. I’ve used many of them myself. The best part though, is that in my extended family relatives I see maybe every couple of years love to shower the younger generations with money. When I was younger I’d be walking with my pants pockets filled to the brim with cash and checks. All of which was spent on ridiculous wants.
sebastian
Sep 7, 2009
Well give me your address Ben and next time I will stop by, and swiftly become the Favoured One of your family. I hope. Unless they are hard-ass schmucks. But I can schmooze with the best of them.
Tim: being Jews, I never got much money from my family.
I used to get £5 a year from my dad’s mum, until she died. Damn her.
Honest Waffle
Sep 7, 2009
Ditto Amy, it sounds suspiciously like an Asian gathering. At least you can say you have a partner…with us it’s just a case of ‘why aren’t you married yet?’, more a rhetorical question…
Can I come next time?
sebastian
Sep 7, 2009
Ah that’s true… at least you’re not REQUIRED to bring a loved-one along to such Jewish engagements. I guess you could wear a fake wedding ring… but those oldies have some way of KNOWING that you’re lying.
They probably all converse on some secret Old Fogie Network or something…
Sure you can, as long as you don’t touch my cake.
timoteo
Sep 7, 2009
Ah, but unfortunately I will have to one day become a giver and pay out of my own pocket to younger family. I assure you I will at least make them work for it, i.e. refilling m drinks, pulling pranks on other family member, and other things of that nature.
Ben
Sep 8, 2009
I feel quite fortunate in that my family gatherings are in no way this awkward. Sometimes a little boring maybe, but I can usually get off without an interrogation.
sebastian
Sep 8, 2009
Sounds very… British.
Hannah
Sep 8, 2009
I would like to argue that my Born-Again-Christian family rivals a Jewish one with the guilt, judging, and general onslaught of harassment and food pushing.
But I could be wrong.
sebastian
Sep 8, 2009
I would not be surprised if that were the case Hannah… but I think I need to hear some EXAMPLES…!
Nellyn
Sep 8, 2009
Haha! I love it!
I hate when family always want to find out “why you’re not married” or “when are you gonna have kids?” When they ask “When are you gonna get married?”, like I can just wake up one morning and say “Oh, I think I’ll go get my husband today.” Like I’m purposely putting it off, WTF!!>:-O
I might have to start making up a partner as you suggested.
sebastian
Sep 8, 2009
Making one up is definitely the easiest solution. But don’t girls have too-vivid imaginations? You might start believing that you actually HAVE a boyfriend. And that’s surely the first stage of madness… or even the second…
zoeo
Sep 8, 2009
my family – except my parents – live in Bavaria, 750km away. so i see them at most once a year or less. meeting there is always nice. my aunt makes a typical Bavarian cake – respectively apple strudel with milk , sour cream, apples and raisins.
so, i like visiting my family
Mr. Apron
Sep 9, 2009
Dear Sir,
I wish to complain about that last post.
I have lived all my life as a Jew and have never once put cinnamon and/or ginger up a gefilte fish’s ass. Well, fine, I did do that once, but it was a dare, from my cute third cousin, twice removed. And then we had sex. Which is totally legal in the UK and generally deemed respectable in 75% of the US.
Except if you’re Jewish.
Yours Sincerely,
Schmuel Conkface McSteinyberg, Esquire (because we’re all lawyers, except those of us who are doctors or in control of the publishing industry)
P.S. Baruch hashem, bore paree ha clitoris.
sebastian
Sep 9, 2009
*curses his lack of Hebrew, though the last word is vaguely reminiscent…*
Hahaha, gefilte fish. God. Cinnamon or ginger would be an improvement, in my opinion.
Welcome back, mighty Jew!