Making love to my computer
[Continuing in the vein of games-related posts, today I'm going to tell you a dark, embarrassing story from my teenage years. For more stories of a similar ilk, check out Lilu's blog.]
I haven’t always wielded eight and a half inches of steam-piston, woman-slaying man meat. I was actually a very late bloomer.
Which is a little odd, considering how early my fuzzy moustache came through and how rapidly my voice broke at the age of thirteen. But I didn’t kiss a girl until after I turned 18.
I’d been close to only one girl before that, when I was 16 — but truth be told, I had no idea what to do with her, or myself. I was scared stiff — so, just as things were hotting up, I ran. I ran fast.
I ran all the way back to my darkened bedroom, to my bank of glowing screens, consoles and computers. Back to my true love and her soft bosom and warm, muscly embrace.
I ran back to… Lara Croft.
Only, back then, when I was 16, she looked like this:
To my geeky, hormonal eyes, those cylindrical legs, twiggy arms, funnel-like breasts and glass-cuttingly perky nipples were more erotic than watching Pamela Anderson bound mystifyingly along a sun-drenched beach on Saturday afternoon.
Lara Croft was my first love.
If I shut my eyes I can still hear her grunts. Ohhh the grunts! I would lean back in my computer chair, legs akimbo, one hand on my mouse, the other between my legs — and make her grunt. Lara Croft, when she exerts herself or walks into a wall, grunts — hngh! — and I would do it over and over and over.
Hngh! hngh! hnnngh! hnnnNGH!! That last grunt would be me, unable to hold it in any longer, overcome. Three or four Lara Grunts were usually more than enough to topple my weak, teenage sensibilities.
But I’m getting ahead of myself! Sorry. The recounting of the tale is almost as intense as being sixteen again and back in that stuffy, musty room.
So… I had a method, as every guy does. A particular path to masturbatory Nirvana, and through the first level of the game, that I could navigate with just one hand. It took exactly eight minutes and twelve seconds, which was definitely pushing it back then (if anything, one of the most important stories that Lara — Miss Croft — taught me was that patience, endurance, holding off, is a virtue. My lovers probably don’t realise how indebted they are to a video game…)
After those eight minutes of navigating packs of wolves and solving simple puzzles — though not so trivial when your mind is trying to work out once and for all if Lara’s a C or D cup – I would arrive at the target: a tight corner, one that could elicit an infinite stream of grunts, only limited by my perseverance.
But, more importantly, there was a ledge.
Let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, repetitive digital grunting was nothing compared to the handstand. I can’t find any photos to prove it, but I recall as if it was only yesterday, she would go into the splits before reaching the vertical. She would lift herself slowly, using her strong, supple arms into an inverted split. There she would pause for a moment, tantalisingly, allowing my vigorous, ruthless, pubescent imagination to quickly tear those tight shorts from her toned but resolutely feminine legs. But alas she would not linger long enough for me to climax, and up into the vertical handstand she would go.
On a good day I would get through maybe two corner-grunt-leg-split-handstand repetitions. Once I made it from corner to ledge four times. Four times! My mother never did find out why I suddenly needed a new monitor and keyboard.
So, Sandra, if you’re reading, that’s the reason I twisted my way out of your tentative grasp back in the summer of 1999 with a bulge in my pants. I ran back to my room. Back to Lara.
It wasn’t you. It was all me…
Related posts:
- World of Whorecraft
- Every time a computer dies, God kills a kitten
- What I’ve learnt about love and girls
Ahh… into the mind of an adolescent gamer. Nothing soothes the heart more while browsing the Internet. Thank you for your masturbatory nostalgia.
September 24th, 2009 at 7:34 am
.. i can’t seem to stop smiling!
September 24th, 2009 at 9:55 am*tips hat* Glad to be of service, Jessica…
And Deeps, I think. If that’s a good smile, and not the nervous smile of terror…
September 24th, 2009 at 2:06 pmThis made me giggle, which is always a nice way to start the morning
September 24th, 2009 at 2:30 pm[...] Sebastian’s Making love to my computer [...]
September 24th, 2009 at 2:45 pmI had no idea that’s why boys liked video games so much. Good one
September 24th, 2009 at 3:02 pmHave you never been ‘controlled’ by a guy?
We like being able to tell the girl what to do…
You’re welcome, Jean
September 24th, 2009 at 3:13 pmHawt. I have had quite a few wonderful moments with hentai porn myself…I especially love monsters doing girls.
oops…This isn’t my blog and I shouldn”tT be posting TMI here.
**slinks away and returns to writing her own TMI post**
September 24th, 2009 at 3:16 pmBut but…!
Tell me MORE about the hentai!
I have a soft spot for tentacles too… but I think that’s for another blog post…
*hopes you write about tentacles*
September 24th, 2009 at 3:19 pmGotta love that Lara Croft.
Helping teenage boys spill their seed since edition number 1.
September 24th, 2009 at 3:22 pmPhew. I was worried I might be the only guy that had been there, and done that…
September 24th, 2009 at 3:31 pmLMAO!!! Awesome story!
September 24th, 2009 at 4:30 pmwow. i didn’t even realize this could be a turn on O_o
September 24th, 2009 at 4:46 pmYou thought Tomb Raider was a massive success purely through its creative game mechanics and interesting storyline…?
Haha.
September 24th, 2009 at 4:48 pmThe first time I got a handjob, I can distinctly remember thinking, “I’m so totally gonna wack off to this when I get home.” Good post, man.
September 24th, 2009 at 4:58 pmI spent most of my days as a sixteen year old with an emulated version of Q*bert.
September 24th, 2009 at 5:15 pmWell… that’s the great thing about video games I guess. Something for everyone. *pats Bryan*
My imagination’s pretty crippled, Travis. I tend to take photos for later use.
September 24th, 2009 at 5:19 pmThis is the type of thing I imagine my little brother would write if he had a blog, LOL. If it’s any consolation. I dated a guy who told me anime turned him on. Barf.
September 24th, 2009 at 6:38 pmLara Croft certainly has developed over the years. But she doesn’t seem to have aged a day!
Kind of like Bilbo.
Wait… what?
September 24th, 2009 at 7:00 pmJesus. I should have kept on playing video games long after Digg Dugg.
Then I wouldn’t have had to have stolen all those Sears catalogues.
September 24th, 2009 at 7:58 pmOMG… her 1980s Madonna boobs are CRACKING ME UP.
September 24th, 2009 at 8:02 pmOh wow. Videogame graphics have sure gone a long way. I have to admit I feel very sorry for the girl. And, um, aren’t real girls much more fun than Laura Croft?
September 24th, 2009 at 8:52 pmI could go into some extreme detail with TMI Thursdays, but I probably won’t do that for a long time. At least until I marry Jaime and she will have no choice but to stay with me. lol
September 24th, 2009 at 10:03 pmOh man. That post was like Catcher In The Rye for the MTV generation. Well done.
September 25th, 2009 at 2:11 amI wouldn’t dare compare any of my stories to Catcher in the Rye… but if someone else is doing it — sure! Thanks! I’m blushing a little now (at the comparison — though, in hindsight, this story was perhaps a little too embarrassing to share…)
When are you due to get married Walter?! Hurry up! I think if you make her wait any longer she might just explode with love
Back then, Renee, girls scared me. Well, not girls in particular, but… what might _happen_ scared me. Lack of knowledge in that particular department made me nervous.
That was 1997 Lilu! 300 pornographic polygons. Amazing, huh!
Bilbo had a MAGICAL RING, Jaime. Much like Lara. Ho ho. Sorry, low-blow there…
I’ve never even HEARD of Digg Dugg, Apron. And you’re not that much older than me. It can’t have been that gratuitous, if I haven’t heard of it…
I had a big stack of games magazines. Princess Zelda, Princess Toadstool, Lara Croft… and the gem of the crown: that princess from Prince of Persia… mmm.
September 25th, 2009 at 2:24 amI always loved cloud for final fantasy 7. He was my hero. And I gotta say, I am digging lara’s cone titties!
September 25th, 2009 at 4:52 amFunny you should mention FF7…
Aeris!
Man, when she died… the grief that I would never see her beautiful face again…
September 25th, 2009 at 2:37 pmI never played Tomb Raider but I would sit and watch my high school boyfriend play for days on end. I couldn’t get enough of it.
I’ve heard for years that I should dress up as Lara Croft for Halloween but I feel like I wouldn’t measure up ever since Angelina Jolie played her in the movies.
September 25th, 2009 at 7:54 pmYeah… the number of girls dressing as Lara seemed to steadily decline after the movies
A crying shame.
But fair enough…
It was actually too tricky for me, the first one — I never did finish it. I hear that the most recent ones were very good tho’, and worth playing!
September 25th, 2009 at 10:07 pm