Recently I was contacted by a very nice Canadian chap called Lee. He writes for a big Internet blog and news source — the kind of site that has a million unique visitors a month — and he asked me if I’d like to write for them! Apparently, I’m a bit snarky. Apparently that’s what they want; someone that tells it like it is. Someone that isn’t afraid to step on a few toes.
And that’s cool. I can do that. Artists will do anything for a cheap buck.
But I can’t believe he actually called me SNARKY! Of all the things he could’ve called me! Intelligent, wise, bright, charming, charismatic… even tall or hairy would’ve been fine. But snarky? Who the fuck does he think he is? I wouldn’t mind if he was American — that would explain a few things — but a Canadian? A civilian pawn of the mighty, Earth-spanning British Empire? Really, some people ought to know their place.
Which brings me neatly onto the topic of the Internet class system. Or the sickening and complete lack thereof. Online, everyone is born equal. From the moment you plug that cable in and battle your way through Internet Explorer’s shit MSN homepage redirection, you are… A NETIZEN — an Internet citizen — a very grandiose term that basically means you belong to the Online Community. A small monthly fee, a modem and a computer — that’s all you need to become a fully paid-up member of the largest, most powerful and ubiquitous community in the world.
You can become a civilian of the modern society — the only real society that counts — where rules and etiquette are created and destroyed as technology and peer pressure dictates. This often happens so quickly that no one really knows what’s going on: The Internet is in disarray! Anyone and everyone rules the roost, or their small part of it. The Internet is an anarchic system of authority. And therein lies the problem: there is no social structure.
Historically the citizens of a country are those that are born there. Changing your nationality was something that very few people did; you only emigrated or sought asylum during the most dire of situations. Why? Because there was a class or caste system in place; a pecking order. Jobs would be given to specific families first. If you were born into a family of cleaners or chimney sweeps, you really didn’t have much of a career choice. The rich died rich; the poor died poor. When you move country you drop down to the bottom — and trust me, there is always someone worse off than you — a thought petrifying enough to scare off all but the most desperate emigrants. In a world where class means everything, losing your class is not unlike dying. Social status, perks, opportunity — all gone.
But there’s one exception: a new country. You can move to a new country where everyone is equal, at least for a short time. A new, primordial society, amorphous and malleable. A new culture just waiting to be defined by creative and daring individuals. A New World. America.
Is it really a surprise that five hundred years later we’ve created the virtual equivalent of America?
The Internet is still at that stage where everyone is equal. The loud-shouting neophyte is as much a patron of the new world order as the venerable Internet veteran. Is that correct? Should we be born equal in this New Virtual World? After being on the Internet for 15 years should a jumped-up newbie with bold, brash ideas be able to tell me what to do? No! Should I defer, prostrate myself and shuffle nervously around those that have been online since the very dawn of our current epoch 40 years ago? As much as it pains my ego to say so: yes, yes I should.
In the hope of achieving a more sane and useful society, in true Virtual World style, I propose a level system. When you first connect to the Internet, you are level 1. Every year of continued use thereafter, you gain a level. It would need to be tracked by some kind of governing body — like the Censor’s Office in Roman times, or the peerage registers in the UK.
Each level would bestow rights, privileges. Perhaps you could mute lower levels in chat rooms or on forums. You would be eligible for more bandwidth when downloading illegal movies and music. Perhaps if the level difference is great enough you could even bestow ‘time outs’ on particularly irritating runts by cutting their Internet access for an hour.
You would be forced to use an Apple Mac until level 5.
Smileys would be banned until you reach level 10.
Streaming porn would remain unavailable until you reach level 15.
How about it, peons?
Eleni
Sep 11, 2009
The Internet certainly offers plenty of mobility, but I wouldn’t say everyone is equal. Sure, any neophyte can say anything he likes online, but who’s going to listen? It takes some doing to be able to regularly say things to a large audience. It may not be just a function of time spent online (though that could be a factor)–connections, luck, quality, etc. play a role–but there are tons of people on the Internet with more power than, say, me.
Also, the way you frame the question ‘Should we be born equal in this New Virtual World?’ makes it seem like your answer is ‘No’, when in fact you go on to propose a system in which we are born equal and then work our way up in the online world. Unless you mean ‘Should we newbies be born equal to the veterans in this New Virtual World (that’s not so new that it doesn’t have veterans)?’ but that’s just sloppy
(Also, haha–snarky.)
Hezabelle
Sep 11, 2009
I would have to agree with my fellow Canadian and the “snarky” comment. (Case point: you calling us “civilian pawns of the mighty, Earth-spanning British Empire”) But I don’t think you should take it as an insult. Maybe you think it means something different than it does to us. It just means… biting or blunt.
ClareBears
Sep 11, 2009
well Snarky isn’t the first word I would pick to describe you but…. well…. anyway….
I kind of agree with you, not entirely but I think you start to see a level of experience with netizens (if that’s what we’re calling them) as you get to know them. However, your plan has one major flaw in that age will soon become a factor in your those have been on the internet longer. Our generation would always be ahead but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the people who are on the internet are the more experienced. Take Facebook, I have been on the internet for as long as the people I am friends with (I’ve been using the internet since the internet was available at home via the horrid US robotics modem that we had at the time) and they still can’t get their heads round that I don’t want to play Mafia Wars and I don’t care what kind of lover they are in bed and I will NOT forward their chain crap. But, they have the same level of internet experience as I do. I have been using the internet for less time than my Dad but he still hasn’t got enough net-savvy to avoid downloading viruses and not get sucked into the various scams. It comes down to the same thing as everyday life, some poeple are just eejits. They are eejits in real life and they are eejits online. Even after being their years, some people can still be n00bs!!
sebastian
Sep 11, 2009
Ahhh, the fantastic Everyone Is An Eejit theory. I love that one!
The idea of this system basically came from a) the annoying kiddies and b) my female relatives. Even my mother and grandmother would begin at level 1. Perhaps the leveling experience begins when one first creates a Facebook account — or Twitter — or Gmail… Some suitable predefined start point.
The problem is Eleni, people do listen. Google is basically the only measure of authority that we have on the Internet (and admittedly, it does a very good job of it). But if you try hard enough, and shout loud enough, and perhaps hit a topic that hasn’t yet been discussed on the Internet, you can become an authority over night. But as with the founding of America… is that a bad thing? I don’t know.
I mean that at the moment, there is only one level. So we’re all born and remain equal. Obviously we have to be born _somewhere_ (are you one of those freaks without a navel, Eleni?), just that there’s now a scale of progression.
Hez: Come on… I thought it was OBVIOUS…
sebastian
Sep 11, 2009
I kind of misread Clare’s comment (just woke up): I get what you mean. Some ‘older people’ are just plain awful when it comes to computers, even when they’ve used them for years and years. Like my mother (who is an intelligent woman!)
I’m trying to work out why that’s the case — I’ve been trying to work that one out for a while. Why, after 10 years, mum still asks me how to burn a CD… even though I’ve shown her 50+ times.
ClareBears
Sep 11, 2009
That is indeed my point! my mother (also an intelligent woman) for some reason likes dancing a spinning emoticons on MSN. Everytime she asks me a question there is a giant purple spinning question mark, for which there is no earthly need.
I have very strong opinions on what is good internet ettiquette.
Art
Sep 11, 2009
Woah, woah, woah–why do the lower levels get the much better designed Macs? Let them stick out it out on old mainframe IBMS and play Oregon Trail. They don’t know the difference anyhow.
And I love my Mac.
sebastian
Sep 11, 2009
Macs are for NOOBS.
Tina Mammoser
Sep 11, 2009
“You would be forced to use an Apple Mac until level 5.”
ooooh, them’s fighting words!
So says a veteran.
(my brain is too fuzzy for intelligent debate today…)
Tina Mammoser
Sep 11, 2009
actually I’ve decided to reread that. In your effort to improve the internet citizens you are forcing them from the start to use superior technology – in order to push evolutionary change. Bravo!
sebastian
Sep 11, 2009
Well, I don’t want to confuse people with two mouse buttons straight away.
Those poor, Neanderthal Mac users…
One tool! One purpose!
Art
Sep 11, 2009
NOOBS? Your British slang is lost on me. I’m trying to come up with a similiarly obscure Americanism, but I can’t..because of course everyone knows American slang. (Thank you TV) Just like everyone knows Macs are better.
sebastian
Sep 11, 2009
Ahahaha. You just proved my POINT!
Go back to LEVEL TWO, Art! LEVEL TWO!
(Noob = Newb = Newbie = New person.)
The only people that ‘know’ Macs are better are… Mac users.
I could draw all sorts of similarities between Mac and religious zealots… but I shan’t.
zoeo
Sep 11, 2009
i am a MAC-user. so i have every opportunities in this world to deep into a higher level
Jaime
Sep 11, 2009
Add onto your list of leveling that anyone who uses ASL in any variation to learn about another person is immediately demoted back to level 1.
sebastian
Sep 11, 2009
Do people still use that particular acronym Jaime?!
Angie
Sep 11, 2009
People who are honest and inject their own attitude in to their writing are definitely more interesting, congrats on the gig!
The whole levels bit was a joke right?
sebastian
Sep 11, 2009
The original title of this entry was ‘I’m just warming up’, but I changed it at the last moment… lest it gave it away…
Thanks!
(OK, it was _kinda_ serious…)
Rica
Sep 12, 2009
But…but…you ARE snarky!
Amy
Sep 12, 2009
Condeming noobs to use Apple Macs is just mean. I’m a PC girl, through and through. The only good thing about the Mac ( and this is only useful if you’re a camwhore) is the photobooth app.
Amy
Sep 12, 2009
Gah. ‘Condemning’.
sebastian
Sep 13, 2009
I resent that, Rica. If I was more snarky I might say something nasty in return!
I am sure PC has a Photobooth-equivalent application!
Mike
Sep 14, 2009
People LOVE porn. I predict riots in the streets.
sebastian
Sep 15, 2009
And ram raiding of newsagents for their last top-shelf publications?!