The worst way to die
Back when I was younger I had lots of friends. We were all very intelligent (except for Simon, but there’s always one hanger-on) and we would often pass the time by inventing. We came up with some truly great ideas but were simply too young to do anything with them. They were just cool ideas that we hoped, one day, would be available to us.
But being young, and teenage, sometimes our creations weren’t wholly healthy or innocent. Sometimes they were dark, disgusting, malevolent machinations intended to reap vengeance upon those we hated, those that bullied us… and Hitler! Yes, we were world-wise 12 year olds and we wanted to go back in time and kill Hitler! (Deep, I know!)
We invented ways to force girls to love us. We devised ways to pass exams without studying. We dreamt up video games and alternative input systems that wouldn’t appear until 10 years later.
But the most hilarious and fruitful brain storming sessions were those spent devising methods of torture.
For more Too-Much-Information stories go to Lilu’s blog! Or stay here, if you like stories involving bodily fluids.
Call us morbid, but I don’t think we really thought about death as such. It’s not like we went around wishing death upon other people either. It was just… one of those teenage things, I guess. And the funny thing is, they weren’t particularly visceral methods of torture either. We were young, so the idea of tearing someone’s penis off hadn’t really popped into our heads yet. We hadn’t seen any graphic films, so gunshots and mutilation were also out of the question.
We were limited to diabolically creative methods of torture. Take for example the Chinese water torture machine that intermittently dropped steel ball bearings instead of droplets of water. Drip… drip… smack!… drip… drip… smack!
It swiftly turned into the best kind of competition, the kind where the winner is the only person left in the room. Everyone else has run in disgust to the bathroom or bushes to vomit.
I’m half-ashamed to admit that most suggestions revolved around bodily fluids. Poo. Pee. Snot. But we were young — being force-fed your own shit isn’t as bad as being sodomised by a big man, is it? Actually, don’t answer that one.
And then someone thought of… the container. A glass container large enough for a man to be placed in, but too tall to climb out of. Some kind of chain/harness to hold you down.
You could then fill this container with stuff.
Take a moment to imagine this container.
Imagine a container like this, just like the one used in Houdini’s famous water escape. You are held down by straitjacket and chains, but you’re not Houdini; there is no easy escape. You are immersed in liquid and there is no way out. There is no friction to be had from the sides, so you can forget about climbing out — you are chained, anyway!
But most tantalisingly, the level of the water is only a few inches above your head. The top of your head is dry, but your nose and mouth are under water. You begin to drown. There’s perhaps only a few litres of water between you and fresh oxygen. What if you swallowed the water? Could you swallow enough that the water level drops below your nose?
A friend’s throaty, wet cough brings us back to reality for a moment, and in that same instant everything slots into place. The torture device is complete!
A tank full, not of water but phlegm. Yellowing, glutinous phlegm. You must eat your way to freedom through three inches of lung-flung mucous.
A slow, syrupy suffocation awaits: chew your way through seven centimeters of bitter bile with the consistency of molasses, or die trying.
We were rather disgusting for 12 year olds…
Related posts:
I will never, ever understand men…or boys…
September 10th, 2009 at 9:59 am[...] Sebastian’s The worst way to die [...]
September 10th, 2009 at 12:20 pmI’m just grateful we were young at the time… or the fluid of choice might’ve been different…
September 10th, 2009 at 12:51 pmUgh – thank God I wasn’t eating when I read that! At 12 I was thinking about couples skate for Saturday night…
September 10th, 2009 at 2:45 pmPrivate schools… relationships outlawed… the only outlet we had was stuff like this
September 10th, 2009 at 2:50 pmThis is the sickest thing I’ve ever heard of. You win.
September 10th, 2009 at 3:11 pmAre you the masterminds behind the “SAW” movies? or did that guy just ease drop on you as kids?
September 10th, 2009 at 3:11 pmYou know, Tim, as I wrote this I thought about mentioning SAW. I realised that this wasn’t far off some of the stuff in those films…
…
But I refuse to admit that we were actually THAT sick. But maybe we were
(Thank you, Travis. Infamy!)
September 10th, 2009 at 3:14 pmSlightly off topic, but did anyone else think the guy at the end of SAW could have gotten the phone. I propose he could have reached it by using his dress shirt (by holding both arms and raking it in) or maybe even the saw itself could have been long enough. Just something to think about.
September 10th, 2009 at 3:18 pmBest not think about SAW too much I think. It’s not THAT well written. I don’t think it’s going to win any Oscars, put it that way…
But yes, I have friends that have seen all five (6?) of the movies multiple times. And they argue about continuity and all that crap…
‘But if he hadn’t lost an arm, or if he twisted his ankle like this he would’ve been able to escape before the contraption tore his jaw off…’
September 10th, 2009 at 3:44 pmI just threw up in my mouth a little…
Actually, we’re on the same page with the bodily fluids today. Well, mine’s more bodily chunkages…
September 10th, 2009 at 3:48 pmDid you ever consider the logistics of filling the container and keeping the fluid of choice viscous enough to sink into?? Just a thought.
September 10th, 2009 at 3:53 pmChunkages you say? I better read yours before dinner, Lilu…
Well I kind of missed out part of the story, Lynda, to keep my coughing friend fairly anonymous. We devised ways of filling the container
I am pretty sure you can sink into normal phlegm… though we never did test it.
September 10th, 2009 at 3:58 pmI shouldn’t have finished that post….
September 10th, 2009 at 4:47 pmAh.. Lung Butter. Neither nutritious or tasty.
Like vomit.. its chunkier, meatier brethren- Phlegm ought to be categorised according to colour, texture and (whyamisaynigthis) flavour. Yanno, for the really bad guys.
September 10th, 2009 at 5:15 pmwhat an issue. what’s going on into your brain ;o)
the fact with Hilter. i think you are not alone with the wish going back in time to kill Hitler. one of the darkest chapters in the german history ….
September 10th, 2009 at 5:17 pmWell, we were mostly Jewish too, Zoeo…!
Abi — there was a whole lot more to the story, regarding the actual KIND of phlegm. But I can’t go into details here, as it ruins a lot of the ANONYMITY. Safe to say, it was the most vile variety of lung butter that you can ever imagine.
September 10th, 2009 at 5:20 pmwow really? thats pretty scary
i think i was just thinking of ponies and big bird….haha don’t ask…
September 10th, 2009 at 5:44 pmTo go back in time and kill Hitler would change everything. Maybe you weren´t born then and then you would kill yourself in the same moment as you kill Hitler. Maybe you would end up in some kind of phlegm as a punishment for that. It all sounds so believable.
September 10th, 2009 at 5:58 pmEw.
September 10th, 2009 at 7:36 pmewwwwwwwww. tell me this was at least only in your head and never done
riight?
September 10th, 2009 at 9:19 pmHe takes after his Father.
September 10th, 2009 at 10:23 pmGah. That was disgusting. I WAS eating ramen noodles while I was reading this. But that killed my appetite. Lol.
September 11th, 2009 at 3:04 am*punches air* Another one bites the dust!
Big Bird… riding a pony, Aiko?
Seriously deep, Chrome. Way too deep for me to consider at 3:15am. But let it be known that it was a totally deep thought that I should think about more some day. THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT!!
Thanks mum. It’s like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place — I can either take after you, or dad. It’s not a fair choice.
September 11th, 2009 at 3:16 amOh Sebby, that’s grossly gross.
September 12th, 2009 at 11:01 pmSometimes I think about force feeding people live slugs. I wonder if they would just slither down really quickly…I try not to dwell on it too much though, as the thought of it makes me ill.
Live slugs…
How about leeches that stick themselves to your tongue? And just won’t let go?
September 13th, 2009 at 2:09 pmSicko. You win!
September 14th, 2009 at 1:23 am