Back when I was younger I had lots of friends. We were all very intelligent (except for Simon, but there’s always one hanger-on) and we would often pass the time by inventing. We came up with some truly great ideas but were simply too young to do anything with them. They were just cool ideas that we hoped, one day, would be available to us.

But being young, and teenage, sometimes our creations weren’t wholly healthy or  innocent. Sometimes they were dark, disgusting, malevolent machinations intended to reap vengeance upon those we hated, those that bullied us… and Hitler! Yes, we were world-wise 12 year olds and we wanted to go back in time and kill Hitler! (Deep, I know!)

We invented ways to force girls to love us. We devised ways to pass exams without studying. We dreamt up video games and alternative input systems that wouldn’t appear until 10 years later.

But the most hilarious and fruitful brain storming sessions were those spent devising methods of torture.

For more Too-Much-Information stories go to Lilu’s blog! Or stay here, if you like stories involving bodily fluids.

Call us morbid, but I don’t think we really thought about death as such. It’s not like we went around wishing death upon other people either. It was just… one of those teenage things, I guess. And the funny thing is, they weren’t particularly visceral methods of torture either. We were young, so the idea of tearing someone’s penis off hadn’t really popped into our heads yet. We hadn’t seen any graphic films, so gunshots and mutilation were also out of the question.

We were limited to diabolically creative methods of torture. Take for example the Chinese water torture machine that intermittently dropped steel ball bearings instead of droplets of water. Drip… drip… smack!… drip… drip… smack!

It swiftly turned into the best kind of competition, the kind where the winner is the only person left in the room. Everyone else has run in disgust to the bathroom or bushes to vomit.

I’m half-ashamed to admit that most suggestions revolved around bodily fluids. Poo. Pee. Snot. But we were young — being force-fed your own shit isn’t as bad as being sodomised by a big man, is it? Actually, don’t answer that one.

And then someone thought of… the container. A glass container large enough for a man to be placed in, but too tall to climb out of. Some kind of chain/harness to hold you down.

You could then fill this container with stuff.

Take a moment to imagine this container.


Imagine a container like this, just like the one used in Houdini’s famous water escape. You are held down by straitjacket and chains, but you’re not Houdini; there is no easy escape. You are immersed in liquid and there is no way out. There is no friction to be had from the sides, so you can forget about climbing out — you are chained, anyway!

But most tantalisingly, the level of the water is only a few inches above your head. The top of your head is dry, but your nose and mouth are under water. You begin to drown. There’s perhaps only a few litres of water between you and fresh oxygen. What if you swallowed the water? Could you swallow enough that the water level drops below your nose?

A friend’s throaty, wet cough brings us back to reality for a moment, and in that same instant everything slots into place. The torture device is complete!

A tank full, not of water but phlegm. Yellowing, glutinous phlegm. You must eat your way to freedom through three inches of lung-flung mucous.

A slow, syrupy suffocation awaits: chew your way through seven centimeters of bitter bile with the consistency of molasses, or die trying.

We were rather disgusting for 12 year olds…

BLAM! Assorted photos
The New Virtual World


I am a tall, hairy, British writer who blogs about technology, photography, travel, and whatever else catches my eye.