World of Whorecraft
I’m going to tell you a story that, a few years ago, would read like an urban legend. While it certainly isn’t a common occurrence today, three years ago this simply wouldn’t have happened. Unless you’re me. Three years ago this made me a God amongst my gamer friends.
Three years ago, almost to the day, I made love to a beautiful woman while playing World of Warcraft. If you don’t want a basic intro on what World of Warcraft is, skip down the page a bit.
For this story to make sense I need to explain a little about what World of Warcraft (WoW) is: it’s a Massively-Multiplayer Online Game (MMOG). Massively-multiplayer means hundreds and thousands of players share the same virtual world as you: while you run around killing monsters, there are other people also running around killing the same monsters! Sometimes they get in the way — in which case you kill them! — and sometimes you group up to kill bigger monsters that you can’t kill on your own.
WoW is in essence, a team game. You can play it on your own, and a lot of people do, but it is the allure of playing with — and competing against! — other people that is the main unique selling point. Because it’s a team game, it is also highly social (this is where most of the the ‘cool’ reality-TV-watching people (girls?) snort derisively and say ‘How can a video game be SOCIAL?!’) It is not uncommon for WoW players to spend hours talking to their friends and enemies every night! Yes, these are real people, even though it’s a video game! Do you know how little people communicate nowadays? How many minutes on average we spend talking every day? For men, it’s about half an hour. Women, an hour or two. So playing WoW or other online games is social. Let’s get that straight. (I’ll write more on this topic another day.)
Anyway… now for the story. For more TMI stories, visit Lilu’s blog!
It was dark outside and I was playing WoW. Behind me on my bed lay a naked, blushed-pink girl. My girlfriends tend to be the understanding type; they might not all be gamers, but they at least understand my love for games — and bless them, they give the games a go! But there’s definitely something to be said for the lack of female hand-eye coordination… More on that another day.
She was restlessly ‘making waves’ on my water bed — and whining. Whining in that piteous way that only horny girls have truly mastered.
‘Seeeeebbbby.’
Perhaps ‘yearning’ is a better word. But I wasn’t going to be so easily won over. Only a few nights before, I’d tried the same routine, bouncing dangerously on my bed and begging. She’d resolutely stayed at my desk, finishing some email she had to write. I can only assume she thought I liked her a whole lot more than I actually did. In fact, girls seem to think that the moment you start going out with them, they are catapulted to the top of your priority list. So not true!
Call me a utilitarian, or just plain sensible, but if 25 people are relying on me to lead them to greater glory in WoW, it is wrong to just abandon them to screw a girl, right? Their needs are greater than my carnal desires. The writhing, whining, naked girl can wait! Those 25 people, those 25 friends, connected from all over Europe, cannot. I guess its real-world analogy is ‘abandoning your mates at the club to go home with a girl’ — you just don’t do it, unless it’s a pre-arranged go-out-and-get-laid thing!
And so, clicking frantically with my mouse and focusing intently on my screen, I tried my luck.
‘Get your ass over here, bitch.’
Yeah, I actually said that. There was the most disturbing, pregnant pause ever. It could go either way, I knew. We’d been together for a while, so I didn’t think she’d dump me. But there was the risk that there might be days or even weeks of no nookie for Sebby. She was silent and I was busy staring at my monitor, focusing on WoW. The fact that I couldn’t see her was driving me insane, with nerves, with curiousity. And then I heard her giggle. And then she slithered off the bed.
I could hear footsteps behind me.
Ahead of me, the dragon was only half dead.
Was I really about to live out the greatest geek fantasy of all time?
‘Your… bitch… is here.’ The words coming from her mouth sounded understandably foreign. She was no one’s bitch, but you have to give the girl credit for going with the flow. ‘Do you need my help to kill the dragon?’
A mumbling, murmuring grunt escaped my lips. It was all I could do to keep my focus on the computer. I could smell her as she kissed the side of my neck. Focus… focus Sebastian… focus! The dragon was almost dead! Just two more minutes…!
Then she straddled me. She reached down, unzipped, deftly extracted and plunged.
But I didn’t lose my cool. I kept my focus. We killed the dragon and I threw that bitch from my lap and onto the bed. I proceeded to screw her brains out until she whined piteously for entirely different reasons.
* * *
I know what you’re thinking: A happy ending to a Too Much Information story?! Well, I’m going to go one step further…
Gentlemen: Do you want to know the secret? Do you want to know how to bone beautiful, big-breasted women and play video games at the same time? If so… come a little closer.
The trick… the key… the secret…
Get a big wide-screen monitor or TV. That way you can still see around her when she’s sitting on your lap. They think they have your full attention but they don’t. Works every time.
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lol Im trying to imagine how you pulled off “get over here, bitch” with your accent.
September 17th, 2009 at 7:44 amI don’t mean that in an insulting way, either.
Wow…..I don’t even know what else to say to that….
Well played? Yes! The reason that works is two-fold!
Well. Played.
September 17th, 2009 at 8:24 amThe real question here though and is playing on everyone’s mind is…
Did you come top DPS/HPS?!
September 17th, 2009 at 9:19 amBahahhaa and this is why I should not date gamers.
I’m kidding, I’ve been with gamers in the past. I was always able to distract them somehow though, I don’t know why.
Maybe I have superpowers.
September 17th, 2009 at 9:39 amha ha ha!!! well, you are the master huh?
I have loads of gamer friends, but none as capable! and their girlfriends always complain about not scoring above a game – leave alone someone else in their lives!
September 17th, 2009 at 10:09 am[...] Sebastian’s World of Whorecraft [...]
September 17th, 2009 at 11:56 amLMAO
FYI – Two monitors also works
September 17th, 2009 at 12:02 pmI just had a whole new idea for a Wii game.
September 17th, 2009 at 12:13 pmI’m curious: what is it in particular about three years ago that would have made this impossible?
September 17th, 2009 at 12:21 pmAh Lilu, you are way behind me and my legion of horny geek gamers… Heck, I’m sure lots of geek girls have already looked at the rumble feature on the Wii controller and … pondered…
Matt — of course. I actually continued to lead. Voice coms and everything. My voice warbled a bit but… (I’ve told my guild this story before)
CLAIRE (note the ‘i’) — I will podcast it for you tomorrow. Just for you.
CLARE (no ‘i’) — I have four monitors… but (geek talk incoming) full-screen games generally only work on one of those. You can play in windowed mode, but still, the girl would notice that I’d moved the game! Girls are tricky like that.
I don’t think you have superpowers, Andhari… I’m just more ‘focused’ than a normal gamer. I am what they call a ‘hardcore gamer’. Most of today’s generation of gamers are easily distracted by boobs and stuff. I am of the old school. Games before girls!
The reason this should’ve been ‘impossible’ a few years ago is because WoW didn’t yet have broad, public appeal. The TV commercials hadn’t aired yet. Society was still recoiling from Grand Theft Auto and other brutal games. WoW is only now becoming almost… cool. Almost.
September 17th, 2009 at 1:27 pmDeeps! Welcome — sorry, didn’t see your comment there
Obviously I don’t ALWAYS play put games before girls. It depends on the situation. I am obligated to play WoW, through loyalty and friendship for those in my guild. The girl should understand that!
The girl should APPRECIATE that I am loyal…!
The girl should be making me dinner, so that I can focus on the game!
September 17th, 2009 at 1:29 pmI cant get my bf to get away from his games for anything, either. He always tries to pretend hes paying attention to me, but he always gives himself away when I ask him a question.
“You what?”
*repeat question*
“sorry, what?”
*repeat question*
“Did you say something? Can it wait? I’m a bit busy….I have to go save this dude….”
Le sigh.
September 17th, 2009 at 2:07 pmYeah… communication is a no-go. But straddling is a hind-brain thing — we can _comprehend_ straddling, and ’save dudes’ at the same time. Yay for male brains.
September 17th, 2009 at 2:21 pmyou are a legend. now, if you pull this off with nintendo wii…. you’re a god amongst gamers.
September 17th, 2009 at 2:32 pmWas that… a challenge…?
September 17th, 2009 at 2:33 pmNow, what would have been awesomer (yeah, it’s a word… now) is if immediately before she started with the piteous yearning, she had hearthed and signed off.
September 17th, 2009 at 2:49 pmI fear, if I had set up a computer for her, so that we could play side by side… we would never have had sex at all…
September 17th, 2009 at 2:50 pmIn the years I was with the ex hubby I never had sex with him while he played WoW…I did however have plenty of fun with the ex-bf while he did. The favor was never returned. Men suck. But this was a fun story.
September 17th, 2009 at 3:13 pmYou skipped the part where you had to inflate her first.
September 17th, 2009 at 3:53 pmAw, a proper, disgruntled nerd! Did you find the ‘realistic vaginal actuators’ on the RealDolls just didn’t provide enough pressure? Yeah, sucks.
Jossie — men can’t really ’straddle’… well, we can, but it doesn’t really bend that way, at least not comfortably. But if the desk was high enough…
September 17th, 2009 at 4:00 pmWinter is THE gamer season, I’ve already stocked up on Final Fantasy 1 through 10 (not counting mystic quest) and loads of n64 games :3, alot of zelda games and in general just alot of retro crap, JUST for this winter!
Now you got me all pumped…
Also, for the record – I’m one of those easily distracted players, I don’t know how many times I’ve wiped us and had Sebastian calling me a retard for losing focus and killing everyone in the raid… Oh well!
I guess I’d call myself a hardcore gamer anyhow, just because I play ALOT.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:03 pmOh come on… you NEVER stay when the girl is waiting naked behind you. You just up and leave!
That’s the difference between you and I. I can control my sex drive — and my women!
But yes, I’d call you a hardcore gamer too
September 17th, 2009 at 4:05 pm“Pondered” the rumble feature? Um…yes. Let’s say pondered. Definitely not tried. Nooope. And seriously, if my boyfriend was trying to get laid while I was playing WoW, I’d be like “Yeah that’s what doggy style is for.”
September 17th, 2009 at 4:17 pmOK, I will admit I used the rumble feature on my N64, back when rumble features were not even ’standard’ in controllers. Back when you had to buy a ‘rumble pak’! Yes, I was an early bloomer in that regard. Man, that vibration was gooood…
…
You have one of those backless chairs that enable such action?
September 17th, 2009 at 4:31 pmI’m thinking one of those posture stools would be perfect for the job:
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/31blNT7jQKL._SL500_AA280_.jpg
September 17th, 2009 at 4:38 pmYou’ve obviously put a lot of thought into this one Matt…
Sigh, now I have a vivid image one of those ’sex machines’ stuck in my head. The weird chair/table contraptions with a dildo and… some kind of odd chain-link/pneumatic system for thrusting it up and down like a piston…
September 17th, 2009 at 4:40 pmI take it you’ve seen Bruno the movie then
September 17th, 2009 at 4:54 pmNo-o… I don’t like his stuff.
I’ve just… watched other stuff…
September 17th, 2009 at 5:00 pmHehe funny story… but since im reading about utilitarism il point out that they say you can do whatever you want….
unless it causes an dissaster
And im guessing it didnt turn out bad !
September 17th, 2009 at 5:50 pmor did it?
I think I kept on healing through the priest class call, but otherwise disaster was averted!
September 17th, 2009 at 6:02 pmexactly why i make sure the tv is off when my boyfriend and i have sex haha
September 17th, 2009 at 6:32 pmI’m taking notes, Sebby. Huge, flat screen TV: Check.
You always have good advice up your sleeve.
I’m also gonna try and look for a bf who isn’t a gamer so I don’t have to whine piteously like your girl did. I don’t like to beg unless it’s part of foreplay.
September 17th, 2009 at 7:08 pmThis is my favorite TMI from you ever. Seriously. You can’t just leave your friends alone in a situation like that!
It was awfully hot of her to do what she did. You get a total WIN.
September 17th, 2009 at 7:47 pmNever thought it was possible to be IMpressed and DEpressed at the same time. I guess this makes you superhuman.
Question, though: How many experience points would one get for pulling this off?
September 17th, 2009 at 8:12 pmHeather… Heather! You should be able to draw his attention without turning the TV off first! This wasn’t a common occurrence. I think it was more a ‘I’ll do this once, but don’t get a taste for it…’ kind of thing. Anyway, it’s all about keeping it fresh, right? And of course I returned the favour many, many times…
You never whine piteously when horny, Demi? They service your needs instantly with zero waiting time? Ah, if only life was so easy for men…
Thank you Jaime! I thought you’d like this one
I shoulda kept a hold of her, eh…
Depressed by WHAT, Nic?! That it wasn’t YOU?! Sheesh. You’re a nerd! You should be high-fiving me! And saying ‘respect, bro!’ and crap like that!
No experience points; just a lot of reputation points.
September 17th, 2009 at 11:53 pmcool post man. your writing was very illustrious. and though i’m not a gamer, i must say that your dedication to your WoW team is admirable. they should indebted to you
September 18th, 2009 at 4:39 amLOL..hmmm i wonder if that could happen…its a very interesting story tho
thanks seb for the tip!
September 18th, 2009 at 7:03 amI once left ZG because my GF at the time surprised me by coming over unannounced. Then we did it, and I went back and got in just in time for our first Hakkar kill. I was the raid leader, too. 8D
Yours is better though. You’re my new hero, let’s be friends.
Also gtfo I play Horde.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:34 pmYou’re welcome A!ko! Of course it could happen… if you let it…
You left ZG to bang some bitch? You call yourself HORDE?!
But kudos (from the chest-thumping manly side of me) for getting back just in time for the Hakkar kill.
I can’t believe they didn’t replace you though… you USED your raiders!
For the Horde.
September 19th, 2009 at 2:02 am“Ah Lilu, you are way behind me and my legion of horny geek gamers… Heck, I’m sure lots of geek girls have already looked at the rumble feature on the Wii controller and … pondered…”
http://bit.ly/Vcn9
I need say no more.
June 14th, 2010 at 2:54 amAwesome!
Back when I was 15 or so, before USB was invented, we used to joke about ‘SCSI vibrators’, and how they would be better than parallel or serial ones… because of the increased bandwidth…
June 14th, 2010 at 11:06 amPresumably an eSATA vibrator would vibrate so fast as to actually cause skin lesions and/or haemorrhaging.
June 14th, 2010 at 5:16 pm