[Thursday. Too much information. But really, this one's very easy going. The more active your imagination, the better this one will be. Hit up Lilu's blog for more embarrassing tales!]
You probably don’t know this but… I wear glasses. But due to a firm belief that I look a lot more photogenic without glasses, I always remove them for photos.
In fact, the only photo that features me in glasses (other than the obviously-posed Ask Me Anything knitting photo!) is the famous ‘Messiah reawakens’ scene, which depicts the second coming of Christ in the form of a hairy, bespectacled nerd, in the Ritz-Carlton, Los Angeles:
This story, as you’ve now guessed, is about my glasses. It’s going to move quickly, so make sure you keep up!
Yes, before you ask, glasses are irritating. Yes, I have to push them up regularly like Hiro in Heroes. No, I can’t do extreme sports like bungee jumping or white-water rafting with a pair of glasses.
Get contact lenses, Seb!
No! Why? Because of my party trick.
Party tricks are special things that are usually discovered when paralytically inebriated — and often at a party. It was after a particularly wild party that I discovered this one…
There we were, tearing clothes off each other. We’re both down to our underwear. I’m standing there, tall, proud, erect; socks, boxers and… glasses!
‘Take them off baby!’
‘In a moment sweetcheeks, I gotta see what you look like… if I take them off now you’ll just be a big blur…’
She obviously disagreed with my logic — perhaps she was afraid of what I might see? — and begun wildly grasping for my glasses.
Before I know it, she’s knocked them from my nose! ‘You drunken bit–’ I look down. There, balanced perfectly in mid-air, are my glasses.
It looked like one of those bad disguise kits.
And that’s how I discovered that particular party trick.
You’re probably thinking that, while it’s kinda neat, it’s not really that much of a trick. In fact, other than amongst a crowd of drunken buffoons, it’s an entirely useless party trick (unless you need a thinly-veiled excuse to whip it out, to impress the girls, of course).
And I would’ve agreed with you! Until last week…
There I was, peeing my customary torrent of… pee.
If you don’t already know: I hate peeing. I hate shaving. I hate showering. I hate spending time doing useless crap.
So of course my mind wanders to more interesting things, like astrophysics, or girls. I was pondering the finer points of female genitalia when I rubbed at my eyes and accidentally knocked the glasses from my nose.
My hands reacted a lot faster than I thought humanly possible. A little too fast. Wet, warm, slightly-sticky hands. Ugh.
But I needn’t have worried. My glasses were safe and sound, perched upon my penis.