[Thursday. Too much information. But really, this one's very easy going. The more active your imagination, the better this one will be. Hit up Lilu's blog for more embarrassing tales!]

You probably don’t know this but… I wear glasses. But due to a firm belief that I look a lot more photogenic without glasses, I always remove them for photos.

In fact, the only photo that features me in glasses (other than the obviously-posed Ask Me Anything knitting photo!) is the famous ‘Messiah reawakens’ scene, which depicts the second coming of Christ in the form of a hairy, bespectacled nerd, in the Ritz-Carlton, Los Angeles:

Messiah Sebastian, the second coming of Christ -- a bit nerdier and more hirsute than expected.

This story, as you’ve now guessed, is about my glasses. It’s going to move quickly, so make sure you keep up!

Yes, before you ask, glasses are irritating. Yes, I have to push them up regularly like Hiro in Heroes. No, I can’t do extreme sports like bungee jumping or white-water rafting with a pair of glasses.

Get contact lenses, Seb!

No! Why? Because of my party trick.

Party tricks are special things that are usually discovered when paralytically inebriated — and often at a party. It was after a particularly wild party that I discovered this one…

There we were, tearing clothes off each other. We’re both down to our underwear. I’m standing there, tall, proud, erect; socks, boxers and… glasses!

‘Take them off baby!’

‘In a moment sweetcheeks, I gotta see what you look like… if I take them off now you’ll just be a big blur…’

She obviously disagreed with my logic — perhaps she was afraid of what I might see? — and begun wildly grasping for my glasses.

Before I know it, she’s knocked them from my nose! ‘You drunken bit–’ I look down. There, balanced perfectly in mid-air, are my glasses.

It looked like one of those bad disguise kits.

My glasses-balanced-on-erect-penis party trick looked a bit like a bad disguise kit.

And that’s how I discovered that particular party trick.

You’re probably thinking that, while it’s kinda neat, it’s not really that much of a trick. In fact, other than amongst a crowd of drunken buffoons, it’s an entirely useless party trick (unless you need a thinly-veiled excuse to whip it out, to impress the girls, of course).

And I would’ve agreed with you! Until last week…

Looking down into my toilet...

There I was, peeing my customary torrent of… pee.

If you don’t already know: I hate peeing. I hate shaving. I hate showering. I hate spending time doing useless crap.

So of course my mind wanders to more interesting things, like astrophysics, or girls. I was pondering the finer points of female genitalia when I rubbed at my eyes and accidentally knocked the glasses from my nose.

Nooooooo!!

My hands reacted a lot faster than I thought humanly possible. A little too fast. Wet, warm, slightly-sticky hands. Ugh.

But I needn’t have worried. My glasses were safe and sound, perched upon my penis.

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Sebastian

I am a tall, hairy, British writer who blogs about technology, photography, travel, and whatever else catches my eye.

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