Sebby, international man of mystery… yeah baby, YEAH!
1997… I was 14 at the time. Fourteen, impressionable and, as it would turn out, easily aroused.
I still remember it as if it was only yesterday: we went to see Austin Powers in the cinema. Now, that would’ve been awesome enough — I was 14, watching a ‘15′ rated film! — but to top it off, I had a girl with me. Yeah! Somehow… somehow I had managed to get a girl to go with me to the cinema. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the first ever date that the pubescent hairy-upper-lipped Sebby went on (girls wouldn’t call me Sebastian until a few years later… I grew into it).
Don’t get excited yet though! You know I didn’t kiss a girl until I was 18. This story isn’t about how I shoved my tongue down some poor, unsuspecting girl’s throat at the back of the cinema. This isn’t going to explain why I have a ‘thing’ for doing it in public places.
[For more Too Much Information this Thursday, hit up Lilu's blog!]
No, this is a story about how Austin Powers has cauterised permanent scar tissue on both my psyche and sex life. Today, 12 years later, I am still haunted by Austin’s dorky, gawpy, toothy smile.
Austin… and his shawn scrotum.
Austin… and his sharks with frickin’ lasers.
Austin… and his orange sherrr-bert.
Oh Austin, you were such a hoot! The date was going well. We were both laughing. We were both turning to each other at the improbably disgusting bits and making faces. I had successfully yawned-and-put-my-arm-around the girl. This was it. This was going to be it!
To fully understand my apprehension, my nervousness, you have to appreciate that by this time, almost all of my friends had already had a girlfriend. I was always the one that sat in the corner while the others played Spin the Bottle (why would it always land between two people and point towards me in the corner?!), or the Closet Game (did other people play that game, by the way, or just us?) So… this was progress. My arm around a girl. I remember telling my mum all about it later that night… I was so proud…
Anyway… it was all going so well… but then…
THE FEMBOTS!
Yeah…
From the moment those sexy, sultry, clad-all-in-pinky Fembots strutted onto the screen, I knew why the film had a 15-rating. I knew, in a pulse-quickening, pant-warming and rod-thickening moment that I was about to have one of the most embarrassing moments of my teenage life. I looked down. Hello there, little Seb… I gulped. I shut my eyes. I dare say I even prayed a little.
To this day, I don’t know why she did what she did next.
Maybe it was just an accident.
Perhaps, looking back, she really did like me.
Stephanie reached down between my legs and… grabbed. I don’t want to make it sound more romantic than it actually was: there was no gentility, no caution, no preamble. She just grabbed. A little too firmly, if I may say so myself. I yelped. I squirmed. I moaned. I was just about to blow my loa–
‘Baseball, cold showers, baseball, cold showers.’
I looked up at the big screen. Austin had come(!) to my rescue!
I bit my lip and tensed, fighting the overwhelming urge to make a mess of my pants. Women can be so cruel. And then Austin went one step too far.
‘Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!’
Yup… thanks Austin.
With the mental image of Britain’s greatest and most ruthless female emperor firmly burnt into my retinas my teenage stiffy rapidly dissipated. Stephanie, rather understandably given the circumstances, asked if she’d done something wrong.
‘No… no… it’s not you… it’s me.‘
I wish this story ended there, a little parcel of teenage embarrassment, neatly tied up and stored away… but it doesn’t.
To this day, whenever I’m getting it on with a girl, and usually when I’m approaching the sticky love-cave from behind, I see Maggie’s face. She turns to look at me, her grinning, square-jawed, chisel-cheeked rictus beaming at me, lust sparkling in her eyes, do me, baby, do me, Sebby. Just for a moment — the tiniest split of a second — I’m screwing an on-all-fours Margaret Thatcher.
…
So if you’ve ever been lucky enough to be on the receiving end in my bedroom, boys and girls, and I suddenly yelp, retract my scope and curl up in a ball by the end of the bed… it’s not you, it’s me; me and my damned imagination. God damn you, Austin Powers, International Man Of Mystery And Spoiler Of All Future Sexual Encounters, God-damn.
Related posts:
- Let’s talk about sex, baby: a story from my teenage years
- The meteor shower romance
- Making love to my computer
Wow, thats…unfortunate.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:41 amKudos to a 14 year old girl being so forward too. Never hear of that before.
Also, yes, we played the closet game as well. Except it was called “2 mins in heaven” – I have no idea why though, the people who named it obviously had no idea how awkward it is having two teenagers in a cupboard trying to pretend theyre doing something to please the people standing on the other side of the door who want a show.
She was a wild one… Been around the block a bit…
Perhaps that’s why she was with me in the first place. A pity-grope…
In our variant, you had to come out of the closet wearing the other person’s clothing…
October 8th, 2009 at 1:18 pmMaybe she wanted you to butter her popcorn.
Oh hey, check out the link & moniker I gave you on my site.
October 8th, 2009 at 1:30 pm[...] Sebastian’s Sebby, international man of mystery… yeah baby, YEAH! [...]
October 8th, 2009 at 1:41 pm“yawned-and-put-my-arm-around the girl” haha i laughed at this.
Nice read overall, a bit TMI on some part but that’s the best part. Keep it up
October 8th, 2009 at 2:03 pmSorry Winkaze… Thursdays are TMI… you must be new to the blogosphere…
I could only remember the ‘hug and roll’ from Friends. Did the yawn-and-wrap-arm-around move have a name?
October 8th, 2009 at 2:07 pmI don’t think there’s any name for it. What about try-to-act-natural-arm-wrap?
Yeah i just remember i read a few TMI Thursday blogs from last week, it makes total sense too.
October 8th, 2009 at 2:18 pmHope to start blogging soon as well.
This makes me happy I was never a pubescent male for I don’t get boners at the most awkward of times. Plus, I don’t have to worry about how long it lasts! Being a woman has its perks.
October 8th, 2009 at 2:32 pmYeah, there are times when I wonder if it would be better to be a girl…
But… well… the only REAL benefit is that you get to wear nicer clothing. While we wear suits, you guys get to wear pretty underwear, beautiful ball gowns, corsages…
And the only REAL bad thing about being a man is ‘unfortunate erections’ — and really, those finish by the age of 18 or so…
Unless you’re me, in which case the only way to really avoid them is to stay at home…
October 8th, 2009 at 2:37 pmDude. Your 14 year old girls are so much damn cooler. Hell, the first time a woman touched my nethers, I was 16. I know it’s only two years, but geez. I’d have been a sexual Olympian had I gotten 2 years head start with a lady and not my right hand.
Lucky bastard.
Yeah baby!
October 8th, 2009 at 2:54 pmShe was definitely one of a kind… and in hindsight, there’s probably a reason she went out with me. Probably just another notch on her teenage bedpost…
As I said, I had to wait until I was 18 for my first kiss.
Yeah baby!
October 8th, 2009 at 2:58 pmoh hahaha. I remember the yawn/reach. That story brought me back to the first hand job I gave.. it was underneath a starter jacket during Beavus and Butthead Do America. He wasn’t so lucky to have a Margaret Thatcher…
October 8th, 2009 at 3:35 pmThat’s vile…
Thanks for making me feel better though.
Were you also trying to scar him for the rest of his life?
Hr hr… hrr… hrr… butthole…
October 8th, 2009 at 3:37 pmAwwww poor Sebby! I still laughed at the whole thing.
October 8th, 2009 at 4:36 pmAt least you don’t see Mike Meyer’s face when you’re entering girls from behind.
Actually, maybe that would be better…
October 8th, 2009 at 4:53 pmHmmm. She’s actually hotter than I remember.
You’re WELCOME.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:09 pmAt least Maggie has nice teeth compared to Mike Myers-as-Austin…
She has a certain kind of rosy elegance about her, Lilu. But that photo’s about 15 years before the film I think… The image I have in my head is a lot more brutal-lookin’.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:42 pmLMAO. That sucks man. She was brave though!
October 8th, 2009 at 6:27 pmWow, such an agressive little girl. NICE.
I wonder who the guy I “touched” for the first time. I feel bad for saying I actually forgot.
October 8th, 2009 at 6:58 pmWell this is funny! In a slightly (too?) gross manner…
October 8th, 2009 at 7:48 pmUnexpected indeed. When you said that I was thinking she freaked out or something but no…
Entertaining read as always.
October 9th, 2009 at 6:29 amThis suddenly makes me feel verry sorry for the boy who…er…made-me-have-to-change-my-sheets-on-a-random-wednesday-night-while-our-parents-played-cards-downstairs. Poor kid.
October 9th, 2009 at 5:46 pmYou forgot Andhari…? Was it THAT many years ago?! *gasp*
I assure you, he remembers that moment fondly, Terri… After 10 years of abject horror and embarrassment…
October 9th, 2009 at 5:56 pmis that you sebby??!! how cute and adorable!!! so cute that i wanna………….
October 9th, 2009 at 6:30 pmLOL, only 14? I still don’t get why you wait till 18 for the first kiss.
But Austin Powers always makes me wanna strangle him and stuff… Does the yawn/put your hand around her really works? Hmmm….I do love your TMIs… 
Wonder where she is now?
October 10th, 2009 at 2:43 am(Hold that thought, Stiletto…)
Self-esteem issues… I think if you read the post I linked today, you would have some idea of why I was a ‘late bloomer’. Bullied at school, mainly.
And where is she now? Well, she’s the friend I call on a Friday night when I’m feeling lonely of course!
Better go now in fact…
October 10th, 2009 at 2:50 amAh, the bumbling insecurity of youth. How it gets quickly replaced by the stuttering insecurity of adulthood.
On the plus side, surely the image of Herrgruppenfuhrer Thatcher popping into your head would prevent climax and as such, allow some kind of sexual marathon? If so then well done!
October 10th, 2009 at 5:49 pmOh, certainly… it has always had the ‘desired’ effect. It just puts a bit of a hamper on in-the-broom-closet-or-on-the-kitchen-table quickies.
October 10th, 2009 at 6:23 pm