This is a continuation from a series of entries I wrote chronicling my childhood and teenage years. For some reason I got sidetracked — I wrote about ‘that tale from my teenage years‘, and before I knew it I was writing about my crazy relationships and sexual encounters.
And then I got talking about The American. I often write as if I’m not affected by what unfolds — chilled, objective — but the truth is… I am. I am effected. I’m not soulless. I’m not frigid or cold. I just don’t often let my feelings bubble to the surface. I don’t linger or fester. But yes, you might look at these broken relationships of mine, these squandered chances, and wonder: ‘How come he sounds so remote, so unbothered?’ – well, the real truth is: I am bothered. I am right there, reliving the memory as it flows through my synapses to my fingertips. Unfortunately — or fortunately — I have an incredibly vivid imagination. I can recall almost any instance in time and be there – and when I write, I’m tapping into those memories. I frown and smile and sigh and cry as I write. You just don’t get to see it… (Should I apologise here? Maybe?)
As to why it all comes out ‘a little distant and removed’, I have no idea. It seems I’m objective and sensible to a fault. Perhaps I’m just too damn rational, if that’s possible.
Anyway, when I was younger, from 10 through 17, I was a lot less rational. I was shy, reticent. I could be made jealous very easily. I had little to no self-confidence. All I really had were my dreams. And computers.
I know it sounds dramatic, but it’s true. I had two immutable things that no one could take away from me: dreams and computers.
I think you probably already know quite a lot about my love affair for computers… so dreams are what this entry’s about.
These are the roles I dreamed and the fantasy lands I drifted to when I was being teased, pushed around, bullied.
Things I’ve Wanted To Be, Since The Age of Three
What do you want to be when you grow up, Seb?
I’ve never wanted to be an astronaut, believe it or not. In fact, my mother and I can only recall three things that I’ve ever wanted to be:
- A driver. I’ve always loved cars, vehicles, speed, acceleration. I don’t know if this comes from some innate love of engineering, maybe. At the age of 24 months I famously located the keys to my school’s bus, got into the bus, and started the engine. For a long time I wanted to be a Quad bike driver, off-road style. Later, after I was allowed behind the wheel of my dad’s Porsche, I wanted to be a racing or rally driver. I have some fun stories to tell about me and cars; I’ll try to tell them soon. I’d still like to be a rally driver.
- A lawyer. I’m pretty sure my mother came up with this one, rather than me showing an actual interest in litigation. ‘You’re great at arguing’ she would say. ‘You enjoy arguing a lot, don’t you dear?’ — and she wasn’t wrong. I love arguing. I love proving a point. I banter for the sake of bantering — though that’s not something you are likely to see unless you are a very close friend, or family member. I can be very intense when arguing something. But I don’t think I ever really wanted to be a layer. I’d probably be a very good one, but there’s no… urge there, for whatever reason.
- A military engineer and/or spy. Structural engineer that is. I’m not sure where this one came from, but from about the age of 16 through 20 I wanted to work for ‘king and country’ (or queen, as the case may be.) I wanted to build bridges over rivers in war zones. I wanted to be a ‘sapper‘. I think my dad’s dad was a sapper, but I never knew him, he died when my dad was young, before I was born. Later, when my attention turned more towards technology, I wanted to be a spy. Not quite like James Bond, but perhaps some social engineering involved… and a few hot Russian girls. Counter-intelligence, hacking, propaganda — behind-the-scenes stuff! I’d still like to be a spy. But not as much as I’d like to design video games…
Which brings me up to almost-present time! After school I went to college and studied photography, purely as an artistic outlet. At university I studied Computer Games (and computer networks — and if you’ve read my ‘About’ page, you’ll know that I now want to make video games).
After I graduated university I knew only two things: 1) I didn’t want to work in an office from 9 to 5 — and 2) I want to travel the world and see what the rest of Earth (and the universe?) has to teach me. I learnt more about life in four years at college and university than in the 16 years beforehand. In the last few years, as I’ve travelled from continent to continent, country to country, city to city — and across the Rubicon! — I’ve learnt a lot more than university could ever hope to teach me.
I’ve discovered that it’s very hard to have a purpose when you’re always discovering new things that you can be. How can I stop and design video games when there might be something even cooler just waiting to be discovered? (This bit ties into my ‘What makes me tick?‘ entry.)
I honestly can’t fathom why anyone would cease moving, set up shop and extend their tendril roots. Why work in an office from nine through five for 45 years. Why.
What do you want to be when you grow up, Seb?
I don’t know, mum. I might never find out. But the journey is the best bit, right?
Abi
Oct 14, 2009
Inventor, Actress/Dancer, Happy.
Those are the three things that I have wanted to be at some stage or another. There have been other careers, like the time I thought I wanted to be a surgeon, but by and large it has always been those three. Maybe we don’t grow UP to be any of these things.. maybe they are just things that we grow INTO. If life teaches us anything it is very often what we end up knowing we don’t want to do. I guess that it is up to us to make it a fun process of elimination.
On an unrelated note- I had a similar jumper but in red. And you cut a dash in that turquoise gingham shirt. This is the designer in me talking.
sebastian
Oct 14, 2009
I had a few jumpers like that… knitted fare…
I never really turquoise again after the age of 6. I don’t know what happened… But I looked quite good, eh? Much better than I do now, at any rate
I used to think that our life-purpose was fairly set in stone, that there was only really one or two things that could really satisfy us. I’m not sure if I think that now.
But also, I know very few satisfied people. So I wonder how many of those are doing what they really want to do…
Anna
Oct 14, 2009
I am not sure that any of us have a single overarching purpose in life….I think there may be things that suit us at different stages in our lives and many of us may be cut out to be many things. I have veered career-wise from one extreme to another (lawyer —> jewellery desginer) but can say that both those thing suited me at particular points in time
I whole heartedly agree though that the journey IS the best bit.
Ed Adams
Oct 14, 2009
A spy! I knew it! That so goes along with the 007 moniker I gave you on my blog roll. Well, it didn’t hurt that your from the UK also, but still.
Mr. Apron
Oct 14, 2009
Seb,
“I honestly can’t fathom why anyone would cease moving, set up shop and extend their tendril roots. Why work in an office from nine through five for 45 years. Why.”
Even though you didn’t follow up “Why” with a question mark, I still think you’re asking a question, so I’ll give you my answer:
Because, when I’m through with this nine-to-five horseshit, the petty politics, the unending email box and ceaseless telephone, the crappy at-desk lunches and the unending wrath of obnoxious prigs and pricks that seem to be endemic to office society, I get to go home to the kind, compassionate, funny wife that I love and forget all about it. These jobs provide the predictability and stability that is more suitable to a successful marriage, when fewer and fewer of them are proving to be so these days. When I worked on the ambulance, my partners were all in disordered, chaotic marriages, divorces, affairs, shoddy shams of love lives, mostly because they worked 7a-7p or thirteen hour shifts or back to back shifts or nights or weekends– there was no time to nurture love. Before I got hired, at my interview, I said, “I’ll come and work for your ambulance company, but only 7am-3pm or 8am-4pm, Mondays-Fridays– no nights, no weekends, never. Because I respect and love my time at home too much to compromise that. Period.” The manager accepted those terms, and it was a happy 17 month careerlette.
Now, this is all coming from someone who wanted desperately for much of his life to be a cop, who would have been called in to work whenever, putting my marriage and indeed my life in constant jeopardy. But we make choices in our lives, and sometimes we sacrifice our occupational aspirations instead of our familial ones. We do what we feel we must do to be the happiest we can be while we’re here. For some, it’s blowin’ in the wind. For some, it’s roots.
Sara Strand
Oct 14, 2009
I work in an office because I can order office supplies and so everyday becomes Christmas. It’s really fabulous. I get to walk around and appear to be working (although I find holding paper while doing so make it look more real) and eat candy from other people’s desk. And to get paid for all this is really just a bonus.
But I totally agree- I always wanted to be a spy. Or have a spy husband. And perhaps I read too many books about such things.
Hannah-Lane
Oct 14, 2009
I always wanted to be one thing…a professional reader. Oh wait, that’s not true, I also wanted to be Elizabeth from Pride and Prejudice. (yea me for picking things that actually exist)
I worked in an office for 3 years…it was okay. I got to go on field calls in SF, San Jose, Alamo…so it wasn’t totally boring. but unless I went and DID something on the weekends I felt like I was going crazy…I can’t imagine living in one place for 45 years either. I get the urge to move every couple years. I think my next stop is going to be Washington.
Love the snowflake sweater by the way. it’s adorable and I want to pinch your cheeks
Jaime
Oct 14, 2009
Ah, the age-old question of a million answers! My mother used to tell me that I, too, would make an excellent lawyer because of my strong inclination for arguing. I LOVE (might be drooling just thinking about it) proving a point. I always have, ever since I was a wee thing. I still don’t know what career I would pick for myself, all I know is that I want to be happy doing whatever it is.
nicopolitan
Oct 14, 2009
Here in the States, to get to be a video game developer you have to go through a couple of years of being a beta tester, and I hear that is brutal but it pays off when you finally snag a job on a development team. Is the case the same over there?
Helen
Oct 14, 2009
You were adorable!
I always wanted to do something I lvoed- no clue what, but as long as I could be excited to go to work in the morning… I mean 8 hours a day (minimum), 5 days a week… that’s a lot of your life! Living in suspended animation to get out and do the family stuff or the fun stuff on weekends, doesn’t sound like living to me.
So instead I work far worst hours, get paid practically nothing and enjoy what I do!
Stephanie
Oct 14, 2009
the only thing I ever wanted to be when I grew up was happy….
the girl in stiletto
Oct 14, 2009
nine to five in the office.
now you make it sound like my job totally definitely absolutely suck.
because i work seven(am) to eight(pm) on non-oncall day and seven(am) to the next day’s seven(pm) IN the hospital (indoor).
sebastian
Oct 15, 2009
I’m here! Busy writing a lovely story for tomorrow. But finally here to reply to comments. I wonder how I am going to keep up when I start doing this paid-blogging job later this week…
I like how you dubbed in my question mark, Apron
I’m glad there are some people that settle down for noble reasons. I’m also incredibly glad that you’re in a love-filled marriage where the relationship between you and your wife is more important than anything else in your life.
For me, I don’t have that person at the moment (though I did once — and I can see your point!)
I’d like to think that I could find a girl, a wife, that I could gallivant around the world with. But sure, I may have to settle down one day. I can appreciate that
(Sadly I sound nothing like Sean Connery, Ed… though I guess I’m kinda Pierce Brosnanish… ish-ish… Again, I must point out that I’d rather be one of those war-time code-breakers than a field agent like James Bond! But I’d like a few women of loose morals too, of course… it’s all part of the job description…)
Well, STILETTO, if you don’t like what you’re doing… change it up! I think most of us here are at an age where we can still move, if we want to. Backwards, forwards, sideways… across the ocean… we must do that while we’re young. While our obligations are few.
There seems to be an overarching theme of two things here — a) Happiness. This comes from being satisfied. From fulfilling necessity. If you can find a job that makes you happy, I think you’ve just about fulfilled most of life’s requirements — money, security, happiness, fulfilment…!
I think a lot of people settle for less than that though, and that saddens me.
Oh, and b) yes, my jumper (sweater to you damn Americans) is adorable. It was hand-knitted I believe! I’ll see if I can dig up a jumper and wear it in some self-portrait. Girls seem to like the ‘wholesome and nerdy’ thing…
I’ll email you, Nico!
timoteo
Oct 17, 2009
I dislike the idea of “settling” as a twenty-something. I think you know this.
sebastian
Oct 17, 2009
Sure… but is settling at 30 any better than 20? Or is 40 ‘OK’? When should one settle?
I think it’s more a matter of taking things as they come, rather than taking the easy way out as soon as possible
Eleni
Oct 23, 2009
Some things that I wanted to be, along the way to becoming an oceanographer: marine biologist, veterinarian, structural engineer, CIA agent (specifically, Sydney Bristow), surgeon, astronaut, actress, dancer, producer (I wanna be a producer…).
There are so many interesting things, so many of which I think I could be perfectly happy doing (a few on my list, though, would not work out so well–not as glamorous as the child in me likes to dream). How does one choose the best? Some professions don’t lend themselves well to dabbling. If you want to dabble in surgery, for example, it requires more than a couple years commitment out of your journey. There are all sorts of things that would be inconvenient about immortality, but being able to try lots of different professions would be one advantage.
sebastian
Oct 23, 2009
Hm, I’m not sure it’s about choosing the best
They probably were all the best at some stage or another, right?
It’s probably more interesting to find out why you stopped wanting to be one of those things, and moved on to another dream. Did you realise it was unfeasible? Did someone tell you that an idea was impossible?
Eleni
Oct 23, 2009
Some of them I lost interest in. Some of them I still think I could have been happy doing, and I just am not doing them because I’m doing something else.
Others… yes, I realized they were infeasible; I told myself that they were impossible. I still think I’m right.