Penises are not as great as you might think
As I write this, bear in mind two things: a) our heating is broken. It’s currently about 5 degrees (40F) in my room; my breath is condensing and I can’t feel my nose, fingers or anything below the waist, and b) I haven’t had sex in a while now. So I am cold and frustrated and the owner of a penis. [If this is all 'too much information' and you find yourself reeling, you certainly shouldn't visit Lilu's blog.]
Now, most people often refer to penis-wielders as ‘fortunate’ or penises themselves as ‘useful’. Even in a worst-case scenario, a penis is functional. But you (girls) are all glossing over the most important feature of the penis: it’s external.
You know how, when you go outside in the cold, you slowly lose sensation in your ears? Or your nose? Or your toes? The same happens to men with penises (ambiguity intentional and necessary in today’s politically correct world).
I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that very few of you have ever seen a shrivelled-up penis. You’ve probably not even seen many flaccid penises: it’s the kind of thing that most men keep wrapped up in their underwear — for a reason. The non-erect penis is really not all that great. You see, popular culture has portrayed man — and the mighty penis — as an object of utility and dominance. But only when it’s erect.
The flaccid penis is useless. It hangs there, exposed, sensitive, wrinkled. I don’t think women appreciate just how safe it is to have internal bits. Do women have to coax their genitals into a satisfactory position for urination? Do women have to reach into their boxers with ice-cold hands and dredge out their dilapidated dong?
Let’s not forget we also have testicles. They’re odd things, nuts; I think you’d be hard-put to find many people that actually dig balls. If you ask 1000 random guys for their favourite part of their anatomy, I doubt any of them would say ‘my balls’. That’s because they too are external and highly sensitive. They also get in the way. We can’t cross our legs properly, and if we jump and land badly, we can crush them. Again, when it’s cold, they also shrivel up until we look almost pre-pubescent. They suck themselves right up into our pelvis, which is an experience unlike any other I assure you — it is only topped by the experience of them, for want of a better term, descending again.
The whole ice-cold hands thing also applies to nuts, by the way. At least with your penis you have thick skin protecting you from the immediate, freezing sensation of cold, fumbling hands — not so with testicles. They’re all thin and soft and very sensitive to heat (they’re designed to radiate heat, to keep the little spermatozoa cool, y’see).
I think I should spend a little more time illustrating the pitfalls of the penis: if you’ve seen a flaccid penis, you’ll know that they are generally small. Some are larger than others, but generally we’re talking 2 or 3 inches — 5-8cm. Do you want to know how small it gets when it’s cold? Well, I measured this morning, as I climbed out of bed (alas, morning glory would be a fine and fortunate thing): 3cm! THREE CENTIMETERS! 1 inch!
Once that tasty tidbit has settled in, now imagine trying to manipulate that perky pecker with frigid fingers. You can’t simply pee au naturale because it sticks out horizontally — you gotta angle it. It’s even worse if you have a foreskin, incidentally, as you have to try and roll it back — seriously, it’s just HORRIBLE.
So next time, when you audaciously (and ignorantly) claim that men in general and penises in specific are ‘cool’ or ‘much more functional than my darn vagina’, think again, missy.
Related posts:
lovely lovely lovely…it SO wasn’t too early in the morning for that.
December 17th, 2009 at 8:59 amHahaha I certainly will think twice before telling my husband his penis is cooler than my darn vagina!! Hah this story just made my day! I legitimately used to tell him “balls are cool” but I will think again before uttering those words of terror
December 17th, 2009 at 1:16 pmBalls ARE cool, as long as they’re being played with. But it’s a fine line, you know? I guess, with a woman, you can’t really ‘go wrong’, because it’s all attached and internal. With a man… well… maybe the possible pleasure is greater, but so are the PITFALLS.
December 17th, 2009 at 1:20 pm1. I love a flaccid penis. I just do, I dont know why. Of course erect is the best.
December 17th, 2009 at 1:30 pm2. I was shocked to learn this year how cold balls actually are, below avarge body temp.
3. I want a Hillary nutcracker for Christmas
Here I’ve been, all over the internets this morning, talking about how I’m glad to have a penis, and then you go and post this.
I’d still rather deal with having to find it in the cold than having blood gush out of me for a few days a month.
That’s real.
Come over to my blog and see me sometime. Especially if you like Ed. My balls wrote a letter to him today.
December 17th, 2009 at 3:19 pmSounds… vaguely homoerotic… but I’m sure that’s just the contextless nature of your statement! Ed’s as MANLY as it gets, roarghgh!
I’m not sure on blood vs. having balls hanging there, for all eternity. The blood does stop once you hit middle age don’t forget, but the testicles just keep on hanging.
December 17th, 2009 at 3:20 pmBAHAHAHA Ok, you’re right. I have always been jealous, but now I see the light. Still.. they are seasonally better…
December 17th, 2009 at 3:34 pmEver since I saw these disposable cardboard thingies that allow women to pee standing up (I can’t remember the name and I’m not performing THAT google search at work), my penis envy has vanished.
Yay internal genitalia!
December 17th, 2009 at 4:12 pmCool to the touch eh, Tambourine Queenie? Part of their magic! The RADIATION! They get positively icy in the winter (though I guess you don’t get cold nuts over in your part of the world… but in Norway?!)
I would question what you actually love about the flaccid penis. I guess it’s kinda cute, in its way…
December 17th, 2009 at 4:15 pmoh i’ve seen more flaccid penises than you know seb. lots. and lots of them. and i’ve held lots and lots of flaccid penises. with and without foreskin.
oh god that makes me sound like a whore ahahha.
but in my defense, i used to work with urology and i am indeed an intern – i insert urinary catheters. it’s effing hard to insert a catheter into flaccid penis. so, please keep it warm
…..
i dont know why i said that. ahah
December 17th, 2009 at 4:34 pmI have written that on a post-it note, and stuck it to my computer screen, so I never forget…
December 17th, 2009 at 4:47 pmI have enlightened today and that is always a good thing in my book!!!
December 17th, 2009 at 6:00 pmHm. We may only have to deal with the bleeding thing five days a month, but, m’dear seb…you’re forgetting about the hormones. Y’know, the pesky lil’ buggers that make us crave chocolate and rip heads off? Yep…and those only get worse when we women enter the lovely transformation known as menopause. And the cramping…oh God, the cramping. It’s not just bleeding for five days. It’s an emotional rollercoaster complete with angry, angry internal bits.
And besides, you men can pee standing up. That’s a win for you (although, those little cardboard things sara mentioned sound interesting).
But the cold thing is a win for us. And we don’t have to constantly go around flinching whenever someone or something gets a bit too close to our junk (ya’ll are aweful protective of it…can’t say I blame you).
And we don’t have to worry about certain bits showing when we’re uh…”happy”.
So I guess we win. Barely.
December 17th, 2009 at 6:08 pmforeskin is the worst though my wife enjoys when I yell from the bathroom “crap the cargo bay doors almost didn’t open in time!”
I just shook my fist at my penis!
December 17th, 2009 at 6:17 pmyeah whiskey!
Hehe, yeah… it can be pretty spraytastic… good times… Completely uncontrollable too. Horrible when you get your t-shirt wet.
I do strive to be educational at the very least, Lucy
Nyx — I’m sure men have social/hormonal issues too. There’s just massive stigma attached to the whole ‘whiny female’ thing. Men have to deal with things that aren’t considered so ‘bad’ — like aggression and the like.
December 17th, 2009 at 6:31 pmGood thing we can talk here about a thing we wouldn’t find in the first manual we get in our hands about the function and maintenance of our body.
December 17th, 2009 at 7:10 pmAnyway, though I love female habits like shopping (also for shoes haha) and dressing fancifully and using make-up and things like that and, yes!: looking beautiful, I’m happy to be a guy. Because of the bleeding issue, the cramps.
By the way, it’s also another hint that we might be reborn in some way. I cannot believe that you’re born only once eg as a man and never never ever get an existence enveloped by a body of the other sex (a female body, in this case)…
The sex issue definitely points to the roots of our existence here on earth or even in the whole universe…
Also, the ways of man and woman converge to the same final product, yet from different positions: the creation of a new being. So one sex is not inferior to the other, they’re rather equal partners with different traits and instruments to acquire the one goal.
December 17th, 2009 at 7:21 pmNow ain’t this a miraculous thing?
Wow, I just realized I knew nothing.
December 17th, 2009 at 8:47 pmAnother enlightened girl! Hooray!
How deep, Beep. It’s certainly a puzzler, the whole male/female thing. One must have intense faith in evolution to believe such beautiful complexity is purely the act of chaos.
December 17th, 2009 at 9:08 pmKnow that I’ll be passing along this goldmine of information to other unenlightened girls.
December 17th, 2009 at 10:19 pmMaybe I could provide some helpful diagrams/instructional photos next week?
December 17th, 2009 at 10:21 pmWow, you make a good point. That being said, you can still pee standing up while I, sadly, cannot. Therefore it is all moot.
December 17th, 2009 at 10:35 pmYou know, I can’t talk from authority, but… I think lots of men, past a certain age, tend to pee sitting down.
I’m not sure why. Might be something to do with the prostate/internal organs.
December 17th, 2009 at 10:37 pmThat would definitely help, some of us that live in warm weather year round are rarely exposed to this sort of stuff! Hahaha
December 17th, 2009 at 10:40 pmI would say that you men are just unfortunate in a different way than we women are. I think reproductive organs on a day to day basis suck in general. Sure, it’s a party when they’re all ready to be useful and pleasurable…but the in between times…not so great on either side.
BUT – bloody vag def is worse than cold penis. and then there’s the whole pregnancy thing. I would rather deal with cold extremities than the horrific nine months of child bearing that awaits me as a woman.
December 18th, 2009 at 12:02 amPfft… you’re such a pussy.
…
No, I agree, pregnancy is not something I’d look forward to either. But you know what they say… it’s a magical experience and all that shit? You just don’t know until you try it.
I would’ve thought that a class-A vag such as yours would’ve attracted some fine suitors by now…
December 18th, 2009 at 12:13 amI agree that the bloody mess once a month is really something that could have skipped women all together. Pregnancy isn’t so bad- labor can be ok. Until you realize that you have a large thing coming out of a small hole. Which is do-able, but it’s unfortunate when you have a doctor that lets you oh—rip front to back. With both kids. Yay for stitches! So a flaccid penis is something I would take any day of the week over stiches. Front to back. For 6 months. Squished balls are nothing compared to sitting very gingerly and making no sudden movements.
December 18th, 2009 at 2:38 am…
I want to make some comment about a really bad bout of constipation that I had once, but I fear it might seem a little trite and dismissive.
OK OK… maybe — MAYBE — pregnancy is worse than ice-cold cock.
December 18th, 2009 at 2:43 amOuch about the stitches thing. I know a woman who broke her tailbone while giving birth. That couldn’t have been fun.
What is this about something to let women pee standing? Herodotus said that women in Egypt passed water standing up, but he was pretty full of crap in a lot of cases. And I guess there are pills now that give you fewer periods, but I don’t know the details and you have to want to be on the pill in the first place.
I still think that bleeding and cramps and pregnancy win in the why-does-it-have-to-suck-so-much/proof-that-”intelligent”-design-is-bull category. But I find great satisfaction in this revelation that guys don’t spend their entire lives thinking about how awesome their penis is–that there are some downsides to it. I feel much better. This was not too much information.
December 18th, 2009 at 4:07 amYes, I think men have it easier. The scales are about even… until you factor in pregnancy.
My whole experience was MISERABLE. I gained half my body weight over again (which the doctor said was “just fine, don’t worry about it!”), and couldn’t stand up for thirty minutes at a time without my feet ballooning up and my toes starting to look like sausages. This is a normal pregnancy occurrence, by the way.
I also had terrible heartburn. Which is also normal. Mine was to the point where the lining of my esophagus was burned away. Also fairly common! I had to take prescription medications to keep it from burning a hole clean through!
I also became a lunatic — grouchy/angry about EVERYTHING. At the end, I was even mad at the baby because he wouldn’t come out… a month early. I shouted at my stomach quite fiercely one afternoon, until my husband persuaded me that it was not nice to the child! Then I shouted at him.
And that’s still better than my sister, who becomes cripplingly depressed and prone to horrific crying jags with each baby. For the entire ten months.
Oh, yes. Did I mention that it takes ten months, not nine? Nobody tells you that beforehand. Along with a whole host of other facts which are still too scarring for me to admit I am aware of!
If science was really advancing properly, we’d be able to grow babies in external wombs.
PS–This was hilarious. Made my night, as usual.
December 18th, 2009 at 7:59 amVery interesting dear. I didn’t know that a schlong the size of yours COULD shrink down to one inch! You must show me sometime….
And girls, re: pregnancy….. yes, it does play havoc with your body, but when you get an amazing baby out of it it really is worthwhile. I think that most women would rather have the kids than have a perfect body, and I have had two WONDERFUL children!
One thing that no one has addressed yet in the ‘would it be better to be a male/female?’ discussion, is the subject of makeup! I always feel sorry for men because they can’t paint a good face on like we can, they are stuck with what they’ve got! And we have a bigger variety of clothes and shoes than they do and no one looks at women funny if they dye their hair either! AND we are very unlikely to have to fight on a battlefield, and we live longer….. see, there are lots of good thing about being a woman.
However I have always bitched about the fact that men lose weight more easily than women and have less fat cells …
December 18th, 2009 at 9:20 amYou have totally taken the penis off its pedestal.
Okay, not really.
I still love the dick…shrinkage or no.
As long as it can still get/stay hard when it’s in warm places, heh.
December 18th, 2009 at 10:59 amThanks for the insight, mum, but… can we stay away from the ’schlong’ talk in public?
Moving along now…
(I actually have to go out, and I’m so hungry that my brain’s not working, so this will be short, and won’t make much sense…)
I think, Melissa, that pregnancy is wildly varied for everyone. Curious that it is, though, considering it’s so ‘miraculous’ — some people still have hellish pregnancies, and some just pop ‘em out without any problems. Who knows — I guess the problem is, natural selection doesn’t really ‘choose’ beyond small/big hips. You don’t know that you’re a ‘bad pregnancy’ person until AFTER you’ve had a child, by which time it’s a little late for natural selection!
Yes, that sounds about right, in my addled state…
Thanks Zandria. It’s OK, I think most of us here still love the dick; just perhaps a little less in awe of it.
December 18th, 2009 at 12:14 pmOkay, Seb’s mum, you have two very good points there. But couldn’t my husband have been the one to carry the child, and then I could play with him afterward?
My objection is against being so damn uncomfortable, rather than against having an imperfect body. It’s just so ungainly to be pregnant!
As for makeup, I wouldn’t trade it.
And Seb — the “pop ‘em out” wasn’t the problem so much as the growing process. Oh well…. Some girls have labors for days and days, so I suppose I should be grateful mine was so quick! Both my sisters and I have “baby-makin’” hips!
And it definitely wasn’t so terrible that another one was out of the question. It’s just that my family will have to be warned. And probably wear protective helmets or something, lest I start hurling rocks!
December 18th, 2009 at 4:33 pmLOL….ROFL….
Oh no Seb, you’ve done it this time…AGAIN! I had to laugh at the “Well, I measured this morning, as I climbed out of bed (alas, morning glory would be a fine and fortunate thing): 3cm! THREE CENTIMETERS! 1 inch!” LOL…I laughed…hard! I think my bf is kinda jealous
But anywhoo…Seb’s mom, I think you’re hilarious
.
Oh Sebby….you would be fun in person.
Heehehe…
December 18th, 2009 at 5:32 pmYour boyfriend is jealous… of my three centimeters?
Wow, maybe we should meet!
December 18th, 2009 at 5:45 pmOK, I knew all this already from boyfriend of 2+ years, but I enjoyed the way you wrote it.
I will argue, however, that a cold penis beats out ANY DAY the blood/babies/raging PMS/tougher logistics in internal orgasming (for the gen. pop. of women, at least) syndromes of our warm vaginas. Sorry. It’s just true.
December 18th, 2009 at 7:44 pmI don’t think it’s fair you state it with such authority without anything to back it up.
It’s just a case of ‘no no, vaginas are worse.’ ‘no, penises are!’ ‘NO, VAGINAS’…. etc.
I’ll hold my ground!
December 18th, 2009 at 9:17 pmThis fodder for the battle of the sexes has been bookmarked. I can’t wait to whip it out at a moment’s notice when faced with opposition.
This post, that is.
December 18th, 2009 at 10:00 pmDamn, I thought you were setting me up there… but no, you fulfilled your own punchline.
*shakes fist*
December 18th, 2009 at 10:08 pmOh Seb…you crack me up early in the morning
I think he was jealous cause I was reading about YOUR penis….early in the morning
Yeah…meeting you would be fun 
December 19th, 2009 at 3:58 pmlike i said.. in a comment to one of ur previous posts, I really really missed reading ur stuff!!
December 24th, 2009 at 6:44 am[...] Sebastian’s Penises are not as great as you might think [...]
January 7th, 2010 at 1:02 pm