I went for a jog earlier!
I don’t own any trainers, nor training pants… or vests… or a portable music player. In fact, it’s safe to say I don’t own any kind of exercise-related tedium-reducing paraphernalia. But I do own shoes, and shorts, and t-shirts — I did the laces up tightly in the hope of increasing ankle support. I think it worked.
Ankle support was the least of my worries, anyway. My main concern, actually, was passing out. Or haemorrhaging. Collapsed in a bush somewhere, discovered at some later date by a farmer, or my stupid fat pet cat. And I’m not overreacting, that’s the sad thing: the last time I had a run-in with this fabled ‘exercise’ beastie, about six years ago, I blacked out. I used to cycle a lot, when I was younger. It was the only way to see my friends, because we live in the middle of nowhere. Then my friends left; I have very few friends now, outside of the digital realm. No friends, no fitness. That’s how, six years ago, I ended up blacking out — I tried to cycle into town. Bit off more than I could chew. Ended up falling off my bike about half way.
But, as it turned out, losing consciousness was also the least of my concerns.
Man boobs. Man boobs were the main stumbling block to jogging. Well, not actual stumbling blocks — they don’t hang that low — but… they jiggle. Seriously. Enough to pull me off balance and slightly out of step. Tick, tock-tock, tick, tock-tock… Maybe I have my technique all wrong — I mean, I haven’t run since I was 15 or something, when I was forced to play football; forced and bullied. But how hard is it? One foot in front of the other, heavy but firm THUD! footfalls, arms swinging, synchronized… but my boobs! Swinging! Bouncing! Unrestricted and fancy free! I tried tensing my chest muscles — pecs? — to tighten the region… but… I don’t have any.
Eventually, after pondering if this would be the closest I ever get to a young teenage girl (they’re surprisingly heavy!), I got on with it. My pulse quickened to a pace that my muscles and arterial walls haven’t experienced in months… years. I tried slowing down for a bit, walking the same distance I’d jogged. Up and down our road. I jogged some more — about 10 minutes, all told! — but eventually my leg muscles gave up. Lack of oxygen, I guess.
I didn’t pass out! I felt nauseous, though. Limited by my weak heart and weighty boobs I didn’t even exercise long enough to break a sweat. But there’s always tomorrow! I will get stronger! I will perspire!
* * *
I’m writing this at about 1am and I can hardly keep my eyes open. I blame the jogging thing for tiring me out! Lots of fragmented sentences, I know. Will write some more when I’m less tired! Oh, that’s not me in the picture, by the way…
MentalSarcasm
Apr 15, 2010
Get a Wii Fit, you can jog on there and stay indoors!
sebastian
Apr 15, 2010
I’ve used a Wii Fit! You’re not allowed to jog on them — it tells you off if you do!
I could practice my hoopla though…
AGD
Apr 15, 2010
you know, there’s almost certainly a formula relating step speed to oscillation, so you get those moobs working for you. It’s that or a sports bra.
sebastian
Apr 15, 2010
Ya… there must be some way to get them working like a fly wheel, or inertial dampeners… rather than just pulling me out of step.
AGD
Apr 15, 2010
it can’t be that bad, surely? I mean, unless all the pancakes went straight to your chest. If they did, there’s money to be had working out why. Worked out your cup size yet?
sebastian
Apr 15, 2010
It’s a good handful… and I have big hands…
It’s not that I’m very fat, as you know, I just don’t have any kind of underlying musculature.
sara strand
Apr 15, 2010
*laughing* OK so welcome to my world. Except I’m contending with a bubble ass AND a 36D bra size.
Try walking first. Seriously. I have been doing the 30 minutes of (as fast as I can go) walking at least 5 nights a week for 2 months and I’m down 14 pounds, a full pant size AND I have very little jiggle. Get rid of your jiggle THEN jog. It’s quite amazing really. My ass is like perfect shaped, just a slight jiggle and boobs are perkier. Except now that I’ve stepped it up by going to a gym AND trying to run I need a really super great sports bra. Something that will not let them move at all otherwise it hurts. No bueno.
And apparently….the “puke threshold” is a good thing. Someone told me it means you’ve really worked out. So if you got that after 10 minutes…you’ve got some work to do!!
MentalSarcasm
Apr 15, 2010
You don’t jog ON it you giant plonker, you jog on the floor with the Wii remote in your trouser pocket, it works pretty well!
Emily Jane
Apr 15, 2010
Okay I just opened my reader and I HAD to come here first. LOL. “Moobs” is one of my favourite words ever. High five on going for a run, I went for one yesterday and also felt like I was going to die. Have you tried duct tape around your chest? Less embarrassing and obvious than un brassiere. Plus pulling it off’ll make you feel manly.
heather
Apr 15, 2010
Yeah I bought a gym membership in hopes of losing some weight. That lasted about 3 weeks and now I just gained it all back haha. I try to fool myself into thinking I’m really going to stick to it this time! Never happens…
SillyJaime
Apr 15, 2010
I get nauseous as well when I exercise. I was thinking that today I would take my iPod down to the park and walk until my Wrock playlist was over. It’s 16 songs. I wonder if I can do it.
I haven’t exercised since I graduated high school. Almost 9 years ago. Because after graduation, gym class was no longer a requirement. And I’m far too lazy to do anything on my own motivation.
Charlie Dia
Apr 15, 2010
Even as a non-well-endowed girl, I have this problem a bit. At least I get to resort to a good sports bra. Surely you can use some kind of tape to keep those bad boys in place, though. Have you seen Eddie Izzard’s documentary on his 43 marathons? He makes the best face when his sports expert tells him that the friction from running could actually cause his nipples to fall off if they don’t take proper precautions.
Hezabelle
Apr 15, 2010
I bet you could cycle up to Newcastle! Or, you could come visit and I could train you with my wonderful new running skillz!
Seriously, though, when you first start running, it’s best to do it in sets. I started with run 2, walk 1 minute five times. And you just move up a minute every week! It works!
Melissa
Apr 15, 2010
Without it being totally clear whether you’re looking to bulk up or lose weight (or just be healthy, or whatever), here’s my two cents:
The proper method I learned for aerobic (best for weight loss and overall fitness) exercise, through all the research for that heart-health book I wrote, is this:
1) Exercise for at least 20 minutes.
2) Whatever activity you are doing, the intensity should be such that you could speak a sentence or two, but not carry on a full conversation. If you can’t speak at all, or are gasping for breath, you’re working _too hard_!
It really is that simple. Yes, the vomit-inducing method means you can still build muscle, but it’s rather rough on the body and not much good if you’re looking to trim up…. After a certain point, the body is so deprived of oxygen that it can’t burn fat for energy, and then you end up passing out and falling off your bike.
Tall Brunette
Apr 15, 2010
Seb… why don’t you ditch the cardio (get that in bed) and just do some push ups? That’ll take care of the moobs, work your biceps, triceps… and then you’ll be more apt to get more *cardio* sporting that toned area.
sebastian
Apr 15, 2010
Tall — I don’t ‘get that in bed’. That’s why I’m running. I don’t give a shit for my physique — just for my overall fitness!
I did a little more today. Pushed it too hard I think… couldn’t jog for very long. Need to slow it down a bit… stretch it out… (to 20 minutes, as you say, Melissa).
I jog, then walk really hard — power walking? — should probably just… walk… let my heart rate come down a little.
Charlie! Welcome! I am a life-long fan of Izzard, so I know what you’re talking about. He’s earnt a small fortune for charity now… what a hero. A comic hero!
I am going to find some duct tape now… for tomorrow’s jog!
andhari
Apr 16, 2010
I wanna suggest elliptical but I forgot how men can have such ego on what they refer to as “chick cardio machine”
Things will be better as long as you keep trying, Seb. You’ll get used to jogging soon enough. Good job for not passing out!:D