For a long time I’ve wanted to go to the sub-Saharan savannas. I want to watch springbok leap gracefully through the tall, dry grass. I want to pat a hippopotamus on the head and call him a ‘good boy’. I want to do many things, and I admit you can’t do much in Africa except for look at things (unless you want to go and hunt animals, but that’s not really my thing), but the allure of going as far ‘into the wild’ as you possibly can does have a certain appeal. A limited appeal, I must admit — I’m usually OK for the first 48 hours, and then I’m really craving the internet, and my email. And Facebook.

Although given a camera, and the African savannas… I could probably get by without technology for a little longer. Imagine, I could be taking photos like this:

I was reading through a magazine, a year or two ago, which highlighted the 10 most romantic hotels in the world — places you go to on your honeymoon, or at least experience with another person. It was a sappy time for me, as I was totally smitten with my girlfriend at the time, so I put myself in each of the hotels, and imagined what it would be like for me, for her, for us. ANYWAY… one of them was a ‘tree tent’ somewhere in Kenya. You hung, in a tree, far enough off the ground that you were safe. Part of the attraction was that you could hear elephants eating in the night, and other animals crawling around the tree. The level of mod-cons available was pretty low — I think there was a portable toilet — but you don’t go to a place like that for the whole romantic-weekend-in-a-king-sized-bed-with-room-service thing.

I looked around on the internet, for the tree tents and this is pretty close. Some of the other hotels were just as astounding, like the one in Borneo (or another Pacific island), where the hotel was built over/around some kind of small lagoon and collection of small islands. Each hotel room had its own little island, connected via some wooden walkways. Maybe one day there’ll be another suitable girl to take to such places!

Tomorrow I’m going to try and take some more photos, and perhaps record another little audio entry. You should go and vote on chapter 1 too. Listen, and vote! It’s no good if the votes are split. Oh, and a friend and I are working on a web comic, which won’t be related to this site in any way, but if you are into gaming web comics (and by God there are thousands of them on the Internet), and you like zombies, and brains, maybe you’ll enjoy ours!

I’ve had some kind of gaming entry bouncing around my head for a few days now, but the Penis Monologues, and then the Snowy Wonderland kind of took up all of my blogging. But now the snow’s stopped, I have a little time to write about geeky things.

What is a geek?  For those that totally sure of the definition, geekiness is the act of being slightly too excited about something that a ‘normal’ person would find esoteric. Getting excited at your childhood hero playing a cameo in a modern film? Geeky. Organising your DVD collection in alphabetical order? Geeky (and a little bit concerning). Downloading old cartoon theme tunes because you think they’re ‘cool’. Geeky. Playing video games for 12 hours straight. Geeky.

The list goes on, but you get the idea. Basically, anyone that’s in some way interesting is a bit of a geek. People that are totally mediocre are dull. I think we can all agree that being normal and dull is probably a fate worse than spending all of eternity with Beelzebub and his minions. If you don’t agree, you probably shouldn’t be reading this blog anyway, because you’ll be thinking: ‘Sweet Moses! This guy’s a communist that likes talking like a cowboy, and torturing his crippled cat.’

So, anyway, I’m a geek. I can fix most electronic devices just by touching them (I was actually nicknamed Jesus at university — not entirely for that reason, but I don’t want to tell that story just yet). I can build computers from parts. I have been known to play video games for 18 hours straight (no, not World of Warcraft — I think my WoW record was 14 hours). I’ve made fan websites as a homage to my favourite games — like Baldur’s Gate. Then don’t even get me started on musical theatre; 200 recordings, and trips to Broadway just to ’see a few of my favourites’ (like Rent and Wicked).

I even have signed first editions of Terry Pratchett’s Discworld novels.

This fantastic xkcd comic quite accurately describes about 50% of Geekdom.

That comic is proof you don’t need to be able to draw to make a successful webcomic, by the way. Anyway, looking at my list of ‘quirks’, it seems I might have left geekiness behind; I might be approaching… Dorkdom. Perhaps things haven’t quite progressed to that malignant stage yet… perhaps there is still time. If I ever become a dork, shoot me. Between the eyes.

I’m not sure, but I think that’s a Star Wars cosplayer – the worst breed. At least when I hang out with WoW cosplayers it seems they have some modesty left. There’s something deeply erotic about stripping down a female WoW cosplayer in the bedroom, actually. Peeling back those layers of magical armour, exposing the girl’s soft, pliable skin… it’s like actually performing one of the male WoW geek’s greatest fantasies. And I’ve been there.

You know, that was probably a thought I should have left bouncing around in my head, never to be aired publicly.

While I’m on the topic of ‘gaming geek’, we have gaming chic (see what I did there?): Great Geek Gaming Furniture. There’s some truly beautiful and functional furniture shown in the article; it’s well worth looking at, even if you don’t want to spend £5,000 on a chair. But there are lots of things to add to the ‘when I’m rich and famous’ list, like the Poufman.

Penultimately, while I’m not actually a Star Trek geek myself (I enjoy some of the shows as shows, but I’m not so madly besotted that I attend Trekkie conventions looking like a freak), I was shown this fantastic Star Trek Story Generator. If you’ve ever seen an episode of any of the Star Trek franchises, this flow chart will probably be quite hilarious. It’ll probably be funniest if you’ve seen a lot of the original, wobbly-set series.

And finally I leave you with this: (sorry, it has nothing to do with geekiness, but you still want to click ‘play’):

… that are still looking for that special someone… Or for those of you that are so shy that you can only talk in euphemisms…

A glorious new XKCD comic:

I’ll probably stop posting these, as you’re all subscribed to the XKCD RSS feed, right?

I thought I’d spend a little time discussing the marvels of sexual fetishes and fantasies in east Asia. The region is special because of the time it spent disconnected from the Christian religion of the west and mid-east — Japan and south-east Asia never ‘enjoyed’ the medieval sex-is-bad-and-depraved Dark Ages. As a result, those Japanese (and the Thai, and any other Buddhist/Shinto countries in the region) have some really different ideas of what’s normal, and what’s sexually amoral.

For a start, the penis is good. Just like in Rome or Greece or anywhere pre-Christianity, the penis is a sign of fertility! Of strength and power! That never really went away in the East (check out the Japanese Fertility Festival for evidence!)

But, as you know, depravity feeds depravity. It’s a slippery slope, which is probably why the Bible/Testament-based faiths are so strict — those old prophet dudes knew that if you didn’t nip it in the bud, shit went south real darn quick. It might start with sodomizing your neighbour, but before you know it, you’re rubbing your ass in old oven fat and screaming ‘BANZAAAI!’ at the top of your lungs.

So, anyway, to both educate and disgust, I’ve compiled a list of the weirder fetishes and practices to come out of the East. For more TMI (because you can be sure that the next bit is going to be really gratuitous), check out Lilu’s blog.

From here on out, the links might not be safe for work. I’m not going to link you to porn, but there are descriptive diagrams… Also, that image above is a boy. Well, kind of… a ladyboy… she was once a boy.

Bukkake / pronunciation: boo-kah-kee

Ah, the poster-boy (or girl) of disgusting eastern culture! This is perhaps the most ‘popular’ of weird sex acts — not to say it’s a common practice, but it’s been the staple of western porn for quite a few years now, so it’s quite ‘well known’.

Bukkake, from the Japanese ‘bukkakeru’ meaning ‘to splash’, if you didn’t already know, is when multiple males shoot their (often voluminous) load on the face of some poor, (un?)suspecting victim.

It actually came about due to the ban on distribution of obscene materials in 1907 — you can’t show the genitals, but you can show everything else… thus… bukkake! What a great work-around…

Omarashi / pronunciation: om-ah-ras-ee

This one’s pretty weird. Literally ‘leaking’, omarashi is all about… wetting yourself. Or, more accurately, about girls with bladders that are full-to-bursting. Mostly this isn’t a hardcore thing — it’s deriving (sexual) pleasure from watching someone that really needs to pee. They can be fully dressed, or naked, it’s not really important.

There are also Japanese game shows which involve heroic tests of bladder strength…

Hentai

Ah, my personal favourite! (Well, some of it.)

You’ve probably heard of Manga, or anime — the ‘Japanese style’ of comics and animation, but you might not have heard of hentai. Actually, if you’re an Internet nerd, you’ve probably heard of it… or even seen it (and as you know, hentai is one of those things that can not be unseen).

Hentai, other than graphic depicting sex (obviously), is infamous for two reasons: it often involves protagonists that look very young (both male and female), and tentacles — big, gribbly, dribbly tentacles. You might know the term ‘tentacle rape’ — that comes from hentai.

If you’ve never seen hentai, it’s definitely an eye-opening experience, if only to appreciate the sound effects made by the voice actors… (seemingly, it’s quite hard to accurately produce penetrative tentacle noises in the foley studio).

A brief nod in the direction of Lolicon and Shotacon should also be mentioned at this stage (you should only really read those if you’re of a hardened disposition though…)

The Ladyboys of Bangkok

I had to end with the most exciting prospect of a trip to Asia: a run-in with the kathoey ladyboys of Thailand. They’re actually quite common all over south-east Asia, but mostly in Thailand and the Philippines. I have no idea why, but I find it better to not question such things. (It’s probably due to Buddhism and its different way of thinking about such things.)

They range from transsexuals to intersexuals, to cross-dressing and merely effeminate males. And they’re not just prostitutes, escorts or courtesans, that’s the weird/cool thing — they basically fill the entire role of… being female. They work in beauty salons and serve in restaurants. They dance in clubs, they model, they become pop acts… basically, all the ‘eww, weird’ stigma that we have in the West doesn’t exist over there.