A couple of days ago I told a blogger that goes by the name ‘Pink Jellybaby‘  that I’d like to re-do her avatar (which features a pink jellybaby under an cocktail umbrella, on a beach). It sounded like a lot of fun, tearing open a bag of jelly babies, and leaving only the pink ones undevoured. Tearing limb from limb, rending head from boy — a true jelly baby genocide.

But then I got thinking… why should I re-do her avatar? Why shouldn’t it be some other blogger’s? Maybe another blogger has an even greater name with even more interesting possibilities for an avatar or logo.

So I’m going to hold a competition, to see which blogger gets their name (or blog’s theme) interpreted by me, the photographer. If you blog about emo relationship problems, I’ll create some kind of morbid montage — but if your blog is about shiny, happy things (what are the chances?) I’ll try my best to embody that in a photo of… happy things!

I don’t quite know what form the competition will take, but I’ll try to get it finalised for later today.

Oh, I’m also working on some cool bar of photos that will scroll across the top of my blog… I’m sure you’ll notice it when I get it working. Happy Friday!

Finally I’ve got around to banging out the details of the competition. Sorry about the delay! You can see the fruit of my labour across the top of every page though! Please let me know if it doesn’t work, and if so, which browser you’re using. If you’re reading this in Google Reader or something, do me a favour and click through to my blog — it’s quite pretty, really!

Anyway, the competition — to start with, here’s the prize:

I, Sebastian, will ingeniously craft some kind of avatar (or logo), for your use online. The interpretation of your name and/or blog used to create said avatar (or logo) is left to my sole discretion. In all honesty, it might be completely awful but there’s an outside chance that it might be really awesome**.

This competition is open to anyone but I am the only person that will be choosing the winner. Upon choosing the winner, I will do my best to dig around your blog/online presence and create a photo (or some kind of digital amalgam) that I think embodies the soul and spirit of you.

The prize will be awarded to you in the form of a high-quality image that you can use freely, as long as the attribution to me is preserved. Always wanted a funky new header image for your blog? Or a BODACIOUS avatar to use on forums or when commenting on other blogs?! This is your chance! Perhaps your only chance! (Unless it goes really well, then I might do it again)

So what’s the competition? How do I win?

(You can tell I haven’t really thought this through…)

You must, in 100 words or less, tell me what you feel most passionately about.

It can be something you love, or perhaps something you hate, fear or abhor. You can leave it in a comment, or you can send it privately.

I’m not really going to penalise you if you use more than 100 words (but I do love being arbitrary; it’ll force you to use long words like a German!), but try to be short and punchy — everyone likes short and punchy. The contest will end when I feel like it; probably in a week or two, depending on how many entrants there are. You have plenty of time to choose those 100 perfect words that best describe your most passionate feeling!

Good luck to all that enter! And good luck to me…

** There’s a real chance that I’m going to totally fail, but I will try my very best to make something you’d be happy to use publically.

I think I’ve finally fixed them (damn, it’s quite complex managing 3 or 4 RSS streams from one blog!), but you might have a TOTALLY INTERESTING article on World of Warcraft waiting to be read in your RSS reader. Feel free to disregard… or read it, it might be enlightening, you never know!

If it turns out you ARE interested, or you’re a World of Warcraft player, I’ve written two articles recently that you might like: Who plays in a raiding guild? (as opposed to a hardcore raiding guild) and The structure and members of a successful guild.

Now, by the smell of it, it’s time to chow down on some fajitas. Yummy. Oh, and go enter my competition. Free pretty picture! Be the envy of all your online friends!

Aw heck, have the new Cyanide & Happiness comic too:

… happy Saturday!

I know it sounds like a treatise of utmost, contemporary importance, but actually it’s just a recap of a few things that I’ve been up to in the past week, and what’s to come.

If you’re an avid Sebite (OK, perhaps it’s too early to go and deify myself) you’re probably well-aware of the what’s to follow… but it wouldn’t do any harm to read all about what’s hapnin’ (too much Marvin Gaye!) here on my blog.

First of all, I am still running a fantastic competition that everyone should enter. It’s free to enter, you just need to tell me what you’re most passionate about. It can be good, or bad, or ugly — just something that really gets your juices going. The prize is some original art which I will lovingly craft for you, using my awesome photographic skills, which you will be able to use for your blog, or avatar, or… for anything really! If you still didn’t enter, enter now.

Next, and probably most importantly, I made my debut on YouTube. Not one to pander to peer pressure, I decided that if I wanted to video blog with 3 weeks’ worth of facial hair… I damn well would! Forsaking my razor, shampoo and sanity, I filmed 3 chapters of a ground-breaking and revolutionary drama, Day 37. Follow a hairy, cross-dressing Brit as he slowly loses his sanity after falling into a subterranean bunker. If you missed the link, HERE’S ANOTHER (after watching chapter 1, check out 2 and 3… it gets better!) 200 people have watched me lose my sanity and don a leopard-print spandex shirt… don’t you want to see what all the fuss is about?

Penultimately, for the past couple of weeks, I’ve been taking part in a ‘photographic assignment’. This is basically a group of people that all take photos of a concept or phrase. ‘Watery Wednesday’, ‘Funny Friday’ (alliteration is sadly rife in such communities). There’s an awful lot of them, and they vary in quality a lot. Luckily the one I’ve been taking part in , Skywatch Friday is quite good! Not only do they garner bonus points for a distinct lack of alliteration and word play, my huge stocks of landscape photography tend to feature startling skies. I feel quite at home submitting my landscapes to be admired and pored over by discerning viewers (and, importantly, other landscape photographers!)

There have only been a few ‘That’s nice’ replies so far, which is good…!

I’ve also just taken up another, shared challenge: ‘Motoring Monday’ (…) I think it’s just going to be a one-off though, so I’ve created a new category on the blog for Motoring Monday, Skywatch Friday, and any other photographic assignments that I take part in. Feel free to visit it from time to time, if you want to see some pretty photos — they won’t turn up on the front page of the blog, or the normal RSS feed.

Finally, this week I regained my sex drive. Obviously that’s not really news that’ll stop presses, but it could become news, in the not-so-distant future! Hopefully not the ‘turn up on your doorstep 18 years later’ kind of news, either.

Oh, and because I love the picture just a bit too much (the picture, not myself, it’s an important distinction), I’m just going to stick it in again (!) for everyone to enjoy.

I still look like this, for anyone wondering. Walking around town today was interesting: those on the other side of the road all smiled at me; those I bumped into all quickly stepped away and begged Our Lord for protection…

The winner of my inaugural competition, beating off all the competition with a big, spiked club is… (and I know this will seem like a fix)… Pink Jellybaby!

Pink. I like pink. Pink slippers. Pink cakes. Pink cats. Even better if it’s sparkly too. Pink laptop. Pink phone. Pink dressing gown. If there’s a choice of colour, I always pick pink. It’s just better that way. Passionate about pink, that’s me. I’d like a pink house but I don’t think The Boy would like that. Boy’s are anti pink. I don’t dress in pink though. That’s important. Not everything is good in pink. You have to know where the boundaries are.

I have to admit, I also love pink. I don’t know when I first started loving pink, but I think it probably had something to do with my mother’s pink scarves and pashminas that were always left hanging around the house. I would put them on, and make faces in the mirror… and put sunglasses on…

(Which is where the top right frame of my ‘homage to pink‘ comes from!)

As the winner, I will now read the majority of Pink’s blog and try to really get INSIDE HER HEAD. I will perform the the equivalent of an autopsy, but with her pink pulse still racing. When I think I’ve finally worked out what makes her tick I’ll embark on an epic photo shoot (and some digital manipulation) to bring her the finest avatar possible; an avatar that embodies her spirit and personality so perfectly that she’ll wonder if I’m wholly human… and not some kind of angel.

Anyway, I must rush off now, as it’s Mother’s Day here in England (and for a few other countries I think), and I must spoil my mother with a nice lunch. My dad’s excited because he going to get a free lunch… damn him. I hope it’s as beautiful there as it is here (but really, there’s nothing as beautiful as England bathed in golden, spring sunshine).

I should begin by saying that the tagline has nothing to do with the competition winner: Pink Jellybaby. I just had these two blank spaces simply begging to be filled with some funny text. No doubt, if the Jellybaby actually decides to use it somewhere on her blog, it will have altogether more flattering text… or none at all! The whole thing might also change significantly, because I didn’t send it to her before I posted this entry — this will be the first time she sees it! Hopefully she likes it…

Anyway, the look of those two orange jellybabies on the left: one staring; one with only half a face. They really do look like they rode on the short bus all the way to the beach to stare at the pretty little Pinko. They might even have licked the windows and drooled all over the floor in anticipation. If you kind of squint, the green ones look like they’re eating their hands, or sticking their fingers into their eyes. Self-inflicted gouging. Lovely.

The sad bit is, I shunted the ‘good looking’ jellybabies to the front, leaving the truly malformed misfits to languish behind, trying ever so eagerly to get to the pretty pink one. Now, a question to the oldies: Did jellybabies look better back in the day? Have manufacturing standards really slipped so far downhill that it’s almost impossible to tell jelly head from jelly foot? What are head-first jellybaby eaters like me to do? What if I bite the feet off by mistake and I have to deal with a kicking, screaming baby? Well, not kicking, but…

Anyway, because jellybabies are like… really old (almost 100 years!), I’m not going to write something funny about jellybabies that has no doubt already been written. Instead, I’ll just give you some fun and/or atrocious jellybaby-related links:

• A truly worrying site that rates each jellybaby on their flavour, and tells you what instrument they play… (they skateboard too apparently?!) Certainly not for the weak of heart, or those trying to ward off the first signs of early-onset dementia.
• The wiki page, for those amongst you that like it straight, without the cruel and racist media bias. For the informed reader. Apparently it’s ‘jelly baby’, and not ‘jellybaby’. Oops.
• It seems there’s an illiterate baby clothing site called ‘jellybabys‘. I want to say ‘They’re obviously American’, but it’s an English shop… … I bet their trading name is actually Jelly Baby’s, but you can’t put apostrophes in website addresses. Damn.
• If you’re a Doctor Who fan, jellybabies were the favourite snack of the 4th doctor, Tom Baker!
• Finally, have you ever questioned the ethics of eating a jellybaby? Someone has.

I was going to link you a poll that showed what bodypart people liked to eat first, but… what would be the point? Obviously ‘bite the head clean off to prevent the damn thing from crying” was #1 by some margin.

(Did you catch my reflection in the glasses of the pink jellybaby?)

Say hello to Eric, my 13 year old blind cat.

He’s blind because of very high blood pressure, which detached his retinas or something. We tried medicating him but it didn’t seem to have an effect, so for the last 6 months he’s been coming to terms with being blind. From what I can tell, he operates on some kind of sonar — he mews pathetically, and then waits for someone to respond, and then walks towards that person. That’s basically what he does all day: meow, human meow, walk, sit on lap, purr. His whiskers stop him from bumping into things, though he does get confused if people stand on his normal patrol route — he walks straight into them (which is very funny, and I will try to photograph it!)

He’s actually mewing outside right now, lost in the middle of our huge garden, wondering where the house is… Perhaps I should call him…

Anyway… enough about Eric. I’ll tell his story one day — about how he ran away for 9 years, and only recently returned to us! — but not today.

TODAY… I am launching another competition. This is probably mostly of interest to other bloggers, but ‘Internet Power Users’ might also be interested. What am I giving away?

FREE WEB HOSTING!

I host websites — that’s mainly what I do to make money — and so I thought I could host one more: YOURS! This is your chance to win some free web hosting, managed by yours truly. What could you do with this offer of free hosting?

• A self-hosted blog! Wordpress or Typepad, or something else entirely — this is your chance to have a blog that’s fully under your control. Custom designs, funky widgets… anything is possible with a self-hosted blog!
• Lots of web space! Maybe you want to host some MP3s of your own music, or images for your blog layout, or funny cat pictures — now is your chance!
• A personal domain name! You could also buy a domain name (www.yourname.com) and use the web hosting I’m offering to set up a website.

Most importantly, for the technophobes out there, I’ll help you set things up. Show you the ropes. Get you started.

How do I win?!

Unlike my previous contest, this one’s really easy. You just need to leave a comment of any kind.

What’s the catch?

To win, Eric has to like your comment. I will print out every comment and place it on the ground around Eric — he will then choose the winner by sitting, laying or chewing one of your comments. Obviously, if you tell me an awesome story, it’ll be quite a big piece of paper. If you just leave a comment with ‘Pick Me!’ it’ll be quite a small bit of paper, and less likely to be sat on!

Perhaps, if you’re enterprising, you could send me your own comment on a postcard imbued with the smell of cat food or catnip?! On the offchance that Eric isn’t completely blind maybe he would be drawn to a particuarly loving, heart-felt comment? Or a colourful drawing in Paintbrush/Photoshop of a lovely female cat?

Of course, I will photograph (or video) the entire ‘decision-making process’, ala American/Pop Idol. I might even dramatise it a little for your viewing pleasure.

You have a week to enter this competition and I’ll remind you throughout the week with cute photos of my blind cat Eric.

This competition is open to everyone, though I’m sure Eric will respond better to regular readers of this blog, as I’ve told him all about you guys — he’s a great listener. Feel free to tell your friends about the competition, though you might want to keep it to yourself to increase your chances of winning…

Imagine that scene in Rocky. You know which scene I mean — the training one. Dancing, prancing, skipping and shadow boxing, the famous fanfare perfectly punctuating and accentuating each of our hero’s moves. Only it’s not a a boxer, and it’s not a punch bag. It’s not Stallone — it’s Eric, our runty-but-lovable blind cat training for his big day — the day that will soon be upon us — the day when he will choose a competition winner.

Though blind and old, Eric still wakes up every morning and attacks the world with gusto! Since I told him about the competition on Friday he’s eaten almost nothing and hardly slept. Every time I go down to the living room, he’s there, pacing around, practicing his paper-sitting skills. He can hear the page-turning of my book from 60 paces. At night, when I’m in bed reading, he comes scurrying upstairs, flying headlong into my bedroom door. Thunk. I should probably sleep with my door open…

Being blind, he doesn’t even have to give up when the sun sets. When other cats are moseying on home for dinner, strolling through the cool, evening air, Eric is still there, pacing, choosing the right piece of paper to chew.

The problem is, despite his passion to please, and nail his first ever ‘job’, he’s simply not very good at it. In fact, he’s just fallen asleep between a pink and white piece of paper.

I’m going to set some basic ground rules, to make sure the decision-making process is fair and just. I also need some redundancies in place, in case he fails to choose a winner.

The Rules

1. Eric will fast for 24 hours before the event. To heighten his senses, Eric will not be fed for the day preceding the event itself.
2. Eric will be kept in solitary confinement for 24 hours before the event. Again, to improve his sensory response, Eric will be kept in a small, locked shoebox before the event begins. To pick the right winner, Eric will need to be truly honed in to his sense of touch: his whiskers and the pads of his feet. His sense of smell and taste will be heightened.
3. All entries will be no larger than 10cm square. Some particularly enterprising individuals have sent me entire essays detailing why Eric should choose them. I’m impressed, but it goes against the spirit of the thing, damnit! I’ll just print it out in a tiny font, double-sided.
4. Gnawing will be accepted. If Eric fails to sit on a piece of paper, gnawing a piece of paper will also constitute a ‘victory’ for that competition entry.
5. Sit or shit, it doesn’t matter. After much thinking, I’ve decided that defecation would also constitute ‘conscious cognitive choice’ as far as picking a victor. You all know how picky cats are about where they do their business, so if Eric poops on your paper, you’re a winner!
6. If sitting, shitting and masticating fails… In the event that Eric fails to choose a winner (by falling asleep, for example — sleep doesn’t count, it must be a rational, coherent choice by Eric — not apathy!), the comment closest to Eric will win.

I think that just about covers it. May the best man or woman win (and go and enter the competition, if you haven’t already — it’s a quick and easy way to score free web hosting!)

Oh, and because I just love to indulge the few of you (OK, the majority of you) that just dig cat photos, here’s Eric relaxing after today’s rather grueling trial run.

It’s probably best if I leave you to interpret the photo.

Only 4 days left to enter the competition!

Does he actually fit in the box? It’s not too late to enter the competition.