Continuing my mission to prove that not all gamers are geeks, and not all geeks are gamers (hooray for that introductory course in logic at university), I have decided to analyse — and shatter a few –  preconceptions about gamers. This won’t be the usual ‘male gamers do actually shower’ kind of list! I’ll include some girl gamer (grrrl!!) myths too!

Being both a long-term hardcore gamer and someone who has been ’socially successful’ (OK, obviously that’s subjective, but I mean I can get along with other people… hold down a job… and a girlfriend!), I feel like I am in the prime position to analyse and debunk a few gamer myths. Hopefully by the end of the list you will feel a lot more educated on the topic of gamers… and appreciate that we are in fact human too. Here goes:

Female gamers… get around a bit

I thought I’d start with a contentious one to warm up with. Do female gamers actually go out of their way to date or sleep with every boy in a particular group of gamers? Do they keep a list and cross them off? If you’re one of those lucky male gamers that actually has a female in their group, you’ll probably know the answer to this one.

I’m afraid the answer is definitely ‘yes, they are hussies‘. Obviously, not every girl gamer is the village bicycle, but the vast majority do seem to ’sample the goods’. I’ve belonged to 2 ‘LAN party‘ groups and in both I experienced a certain ‘looseness’ about the girls. At university, I think of about 50 guy gamers, we had all dated the 3 or 4 girl gamers. Do the maths. But hey, us geek guys need to get our loving from somewhere… and we have a lot of love to give! We save it up over a number of years and let it all out in a… torrent… of love!

Gamers hate physical activity

Another popular notion is that gamers really hate to do things. The huge, spotty, chair-overhanging dorks obviously don’t do a lot for our cause, it’s true. But that doesn’t mean that we all hate sports, or other physical activities! It just means that we like to do… geeky activities! Like paintball, or airsoft. Or Live Action Role Play (click at your own risk). Obviously sloth-like people are attracted to gaming because it is a sedate, immobile pastime — but that doesn’t mean that gaming makes people hate physical exertion. This myth is simply not true, it’s just a stereotype that we have to shake off, thanks to our fat, spotty brethren!

Gamers are ugly

This one is fairly tied into the previous myth; we don’t exercise, thus we don’t look after our bodies. Sitting in a chair, surrounded by other sweaty guys doesn’t really inspire one to shower and tend to one’s appearance, correct?

Partially true. Much like lazy people are attracted to sit in front of a computer, those that care little about other people, and social interactions are likely to be drawn to gaming. This doesn’t mean that all geeks are ugly! There are plenty of attractive geeks out there that manage to mix up gaming and social interaction (that’s actually why LAN parties are so popular — you get to mix with people, rather than sit in your bedroom/basement all day). When we set up a gallery for my World of Warcraft guild I was quite amazed at how good looking we were! (If you want to see, I’ll be happy to provide some examples.) There definitely seems to be a correlation between social skills, and the quality of your appearance.

The related myth ‘all gamers eat vast amounts of pizza and crappy food‘ is only partially true. Pizza and convenience food just happens to be very, er, convenient — you can still use your mouse or keyboard with a slice of pizza in your other grubby paw.

Girl gamers are just following their boyfriend around

Ah, the tag-along girl gamer. Most of you guy gamers reading this will know what I mean by ‘that cute little girl at the LAN party that looks far too cute to actually be a gamer’. You know, she has braids in her hair. And she’s chatting to a friend on MSN Messenger, rather than actually gaming. Maybe she’s watching some anime. You blink, thinking this amazing vision will disappear… but she’s still there when you open your eyes. You think you’ve suddenly hit the mother lode! AND THEN… her boyfriend re-appears. Cue way too much affection and touching by the boyfriend just to make sure you really know they are going out. This guy is proud of his catch, and he wants you to be jealous. And inevitably… you are. Because he’s getting some, and you’re not.

Again, this myth is partially true. The number of girl gamers that actually attend LAN parties, or play any game other than Sims or Habbo Hotel, is still very, very small. The vast majority of girl gamers that you see in public will likely be the girlfriends of gamer guys. That doesn’t mean that the girl doesn’t enjoy games though! I know many girls that have become gamers after dating a hardcore gamer. Maybe that cute blonde will be attending on her own at the next LAN party?

Gaming is a valid career choice

Ah, the classic line that all kids tell their parents. Even I’ve used this one a few times. ‘Playing games won’t get you a job, son!’ Well, that’s not entirely true, dad. Whether as a games tester, designer or even as a pro gamer, there are possibilities to make a career out of hardcore gaming. Unfortunately, testing games for a job isn’t as fun as it sounds (it gets very old after a month or two) and it doesn’t pay well. Then of course everyone wants to design video games, but as there’s only 2 or 3 designers per 100 programmers, that’s a goal many will find unobtainable.

That leaves pro-gaming, which is certainly a possibility in today’s climate, but again only available to the very best gamers.  That’s not to say you shouldn’t try (winning £10,000 for a few hours’ work in a tournament has to be pretty good!), but you probably shouldn’t drop out of school or stay up all night playing games (until you get to university, then it’s OK!). Give it a few more years though and gaming will certainly be a career choice.

Gamers are violent

Ah, the favourite of our friends the media — we play violent video games, so we must all be closet serial killers just waiting to murder a prostitute and go on a killing spree at our local college. This couldn’t be further from the truth! Of course there are a few psychopaths that also played video games, but to surmise that ‘all video gamers are violent’ is false. Most gamers are actually very relaxed. We can obviously be competitive (there has to be a winner!), but not to the level that we’re threatening each other’s families. The exception here is that hardcore gaming can stifle the development of social skills; you all know about the geek that encroaches on your personal space — it’s that kind of oblivious nature that could cause a violent issue to arise.

If anything, gamers tend to be peace-loving types. God knows we don’t often have the physical make-up to be physically violent; our aggression tends to be the passive-aggressive type, often with snide words or social manipulation. ‘The pen is mightier than the sword’ — replace ‘pen’ with ‘keyboard’ and you will begin to understand a geek’s method of venting pent-up aggression! The associated myth ‘gamers play games as they enjoy killing‘ is also incorrect, it’s just ‘the modernisation’ of the gaming industry — just like modern TV focusing on lawyers or police. There are plenty of incredibly successful games that have very little violence at all — the Zelda and Mario franchises, the most popular franchises of all time, have absolutely zero focus on death and violence (other than to add significance to the plot, anyway!)

It just so happens that, like with most things in this world, games tend to mirror real life. Games are about escapism, or making fun of a popular topic — you can become Rambo, or a member of a Counter Terrorist squad — the measure of your success, then, is how many enemy soldiers you can kill, or how many bombs you can neutralise.

Conclusion

Like most myths there is often a grain of truth in everything you’ve read here. For every humble, peaceful geek there’s going to be one gun-toting maniac that spoils it for the rest of us. Just remember that as gaming becomes more and more popular (and it’s fast overtaking every other entertainment and pleasure pastime in the world today), almost anyone you meet could turn out to be a gamer. It’s only logical that hardcore gaming, and making a career out of gaming will become more popular, and even acceptable!

Following on from my ‘Gamer myths analysed‘, I was asked to confirm my claim that gamers can actually quite attractive.

First, I would like to define ‘ugly’ as ‘uncaring about appearance’ rather than ‘deformed genetically’. Even someone that is ugly by most conventional standards (wall eyed!) can be attractive if they’re clean, well-dressed and have a good complexion. I’m not going to claim that gamers are beautiful — I’m just saying that we’re not all fat, greasy and spotty. We don’t all live at home until we’re 40, eating pizza daily and showering weekly.

I propose that the antisocial gamers tend to be ugly. Those stereotypical pale-skinned loner geeks are ugly.  Social gamers tend to be quite attractive!

With the focus on gaming moving further and further towards the multiplayer experience the popularity of the LAN party will continue to increase. With an increase in social gaming, geeks will improve their image. They’ll shower daily, and brush their hair. One day, they might even go out and buy some non-black t-shirts… but one step at a time! As more girls attend LAN parties there’ll also be a huge bonus to cleaning and dressing adequately — you might actually get laid.

So here’s my wall of ‘pretty gamers’, from my World of Warcraft guild:

I don’t claim that we’re the most beautiful group of people in the world, but hopefully I’ve done a little to dispel the myth that gamers are all fat and ugly.

So you want to game, but you don’t know how?

Or perhaps you’re a disaffected gamer that developed ‘Space Invader Thumbs’ and you’re still nursing RSI.

Perhaps you’re the girlfriend (or boyfriend!) of a gamer, but you don’t really ‘get it’.

If you fit any of the above categories, this guide will hopefully be everything that you need to pick up a game, play it, and even enjoy it! I will be writing in fairly simple terms, with little ‘geek speak’. If you don’t understand something, type it into Google, or ask in a comment!

Shattering a stereotype

Before I even get into the actual gaming side of things, I should talk about the adverse effect the ‘gamer stereotype’ has on newbie and disaffected gamers. There is a lingering image of gamers being pale, and socially inept. As I’ve said in a couple of previous articles, these stereotypes are almost entirely false. Sure, a few stragglers remain — there are definitely a few milky-complexioned kids that play from their parents’ basement –  but much of the modern and online gaming community is much more mature. The 18-34 demographic dominates the gaming market. Especially in the console sector (Xbox, PlayStation, Wii) it’s not uncommon to be playing online with a bunch of people that are 25 years old.

Gaming has changed from that-weird-boy-nextdoor pastime to the fastest-growing leisure activity in the world. No one’s going to snub you for being a gamer. In fact, you might even increase your coolness by playing video games!

Obviously, if you have a deeply-ingrained belief that all gamers are dorky and unpleasant people, this guide isn’t going to be very useful to you. Before continuing YOU MUST BELIEVE THAT GAMES CAN BE COOL AND FUN!

Choosing a platform

As a gaming beginner you probably don’t have the benefit of owning multiple consoles and a PC. You’re going to have to pick a platform to start with, and go from there!

Almost without reservation I can say: buy a Nintendo Wii.

Why? It is the most user-friendly and ergonomic gaming experience available today. There’s a reason it’s by far the best-selling console. It has unique, innovative games (like WiiFit — good for girls, and boyfriends of girls!) and some of the best versions of the most popular franchises in history: Mario World, Mario Kart and Zelda. It also plays all of the old GameCube games, and has a huge catalogue of old NES, SNES and N64 games available for download. If you want to begin gaming, the Wii is almost certainly the best choice.

There are exceptions of course! If you want to play a Massively Multiplayer Online Game (MMOG or MMORPG) like World of Warcraft, Runescape, Toontown or Dofus you are going to need a PC; a desktop computer. This isn’t a guide on how to buy a good gaming PC — you probably can’t go too far wrong buying something cheap from Dell, as long as it has a good graphics card (or ‘video card’). The other exception is if you want to play a ‘PC exclusive’ title — luckily almost everything makes it to consoles nowadays (some things don’t make it to the PC however — be sure to check at a local games store if a specific game will be released for a particular format!). The Sims and Spore are the only two games which are probably best played on a PC (even if they are playable on the console, or will be soon). Some ‘mature’ games are only available on the Xbox and PlayStation also, like Grand Theft Auto or Metal Gear Solid.

In general, each console, or the PC, specialises in a certain ‘genre’ of game:

• Wii — Wii games tend to be almost entirely ‘family friendly’. You can find some mature titles on the Wii, but in general they will be cartoony and easy-going. You will find more ‘quirky’ games on the Wii than the other consoles too. Don’t expect graphical wonders from a Wii; expect top-notch exclusive franchises that are polished until they shine.
• Xbox — The Xbox is a great ‘middleground’ console. You will find a wide variety of games, and some ‘exclusives’ that only come to the Xbox. Xboxes are slightly more ‘clunky’ than a Wii, and their controllers are more complex. You will find more mature titles on the Xbox, like Grand Theft Auto.
• PlayStation — The current iteration, the PS3, is supposedly the technological master of the current generation of consoles. PS3 games will be beautiful, and sound fantastic. Unfortunately the library of games is smaller than the Xbox, and it lacks ease-of-use and quirkiness of the Wii. The only real reason to buy a PS3 would be for an exclusive title like Little Big Planet. Being the most expensive console of the lot, that’d be a very costly investment indeed.
• PC — The jack of all trades! If you really can’t decide, or if you already have access to one, a PC is a fine choice for beginner gamers too! It might be a little more complex to actually start gaming though — you have to install things, and make sure your computer meets the required specifications. The PC is a good choice if you want to play real-time strategy (RTS) or first-person shooter (FPS) games. Using a mouse and keyboard are the only real choice for these two genres. The other rather big bonus to PC gaming is that almost every ‘exclusive’ title finally ends up on the PC, within a year or two.

At the end of the day, you will be able to find plenty of games for both the PC and console market. If you already have access to a console, or a PC, just use it! The plan here is to get you into gaming, not to make you spend a fortune!

Choosing a game

By choosing a platform — Wii, Xbox, PlayStation or PC — you have partially defined what kind of games you’ll be playing. Ultimately, almost every game is released for every console, so you don’t need to worry about a lack of games. But what game should you start with?

I’m going to assume, if you’re a console gamer, that you’ve decided to play on a Nintendo Wii. The Xbox and PlayStation are both great consoles, but they’re twice the price of the Wii and don’t really have features that warrant their extra expense — especially for a newbie gamer like you!

The Wii specialises in two areas: its exclusive franchises, and quirky gameplay. The Wii is the console you have seen on countless TV shows, with people ducking and diving, and swinging their Wiimotes. It’s also the console with WiiFit (boys will want to click this link). But most importantly, it has Super Mario Galaxy. I’m not going to write a flowery review of the greatest console game ever made (Metacritic has already done that for me) but let’s just say that Nintendo have outdone themselves, again. This latest installment in the most popular console franchise of all time is easily playable by gamers of every skill level, and immensely enjoyable for everyone. It’s almost unputdownable – the one trait that almost every game is aiming for. I honestly didn’t stop grinning while playing through the entire game; it really is such a joy! If you’re new to gaming, get a Wii and Super Mario Galaxy. I can almost guarantee you won’t be disappointed.

What if you don’t want to play platform games? Perhaps you want to shoot people, or build bases and control massive armies? Or maybe you want to interact with thousands of other people in an online game, where the socialising is more important than the game itself? If that’s the case, you’ve probably bought a PC. What game should you start with?

If you’re a social gamer it should come as no surprise that I’m going to recommend World of Warcraft. 12 million people play this game world-wide, from every culture and social background. If you want to get to know people from other countries, hang out with other gamers/geeks AND play a very good adventure/fantasy game at the same time, WoW is the game to play. It’s very easy to pick up, and even quite easy to master. WoW is mostly about having fun and playing in a beautiful world that’s been lovingly crafted by its developers. There are lots of online resources to help you if you get stuck too!

If you’re more into frenetic action and running around, killing and ‘owning’ other players you want a shooter game. Most of these games excel on a multiplayer level, but a few have excellent story modes too.  The game I’m going to recommend is Half Life 2, the successor to what some consider the best first-person shooter (FPS) game ever made. Half Life 2 has a compelling story and a gentle difficulty curve. By the end of HL2 you should be ready for a more challenging FPS, or multiplayer mode!

I’ve skipped real-time strategy games, as they’re really not for beginners — sorry!

So… what now?

You have your console or PC, and one of the 3 best games ever made — what now? It’s time to PLAY! If you’ve picked the Wii, you can just slide that Mario disc in, sit back down on your sofa and enjoy one of the finest gaming experiences ever made. If you chose a PC game, you’ll have to do some installing (WoW is a complete pig to setup and install, which is a shame!)

And then… you need to play. You need to play for a few hours! You need to sit down, focus, and try to become immersed. An awful lot of pleasure in gaming comes from the escapism involved; you can lose yourself in a magical world, or become a mighty general throwing around his vast, sci-fi forces. You can slay mighty dragons, or play a silent, stealthy assassin saving the world from an oppressive tyrant. Unlike passive entertainment, games are interactive. The more you put in, the more you can get out. Don’t give up quickly — give the game a chance to tell its story and let its defining features shine.

Most of all, don’t be ashamed or hesitant to play for 2, 3, 4 hours or more. Imagine how many hours you’ve spent watching TV or movies! Everyone’s doing it; why not come join us?

As always, if you have a question about getting started with gaming, or you didn’t understand a part of the article, just leave a comment, or contact me directly.

If you are more interested in the players found in hardcore guilds, you might find this article more interesting.

Following on from my article on who plays in hardcore guilds, I’m now going to discuss the kinds of players you will find in a normal, World of Warcraft raiding guild. I’ve discussed tips and tricks for pushing a raiding guild’s progress, and I’ve also touched on what it’s like being a guild leader of a raiding guild, but now I’m going to try and get inside the heads of raiders. Not the hardcore, very-little-going-on-in-real-life raiders — the normal raiders. The raiders with jobs, or lots of school work to do, or even kids to care for.

Normal raiders make up about 40% of WoW’s subscription base, so obviously it’s going to be quite hard to boil down just a few player types — but I’ll try my best. Hopefully you’ll be able to spot yourself, but don’t worry if you can’t — there are always exceptions!

As with my my other article on hardcore raiders, I’ll be utilising Bartle’s player type system to give more abstract classifications of each type. I’ll also be using David Kolb’s research (further studied by Peter Honey and Alfred Mumford) into ‘Learning Style‘ — the way in which certain people learn in different ways — either through theorycrafting, wiping, or a mix of the two! Due to the less specific nature of raiding guilds (almost anyone can be in a raiding guild) some of the classifications might be a little lacking.

Enough preamble — let’s get right into the kinds of players in raiding guilds!

The 4 player types found in raiding guilds

Raiding guilds, being made  up a much larger percentage of the player base, tend to contain a huge variety of gamers. Unlike hardcore guilds, raiding guilds can contain any kind of player. The actual playing of WoW raiding content is very easy — the hard bit is the logistics and continued, 5-raids-a-week effort.  Raiding guilds consist of what’s left after you remove everyone capable of raiding in a hardcore capacity, which means you’re not generally left with very good gamers! Luckily, you don’t need to excel to progress; you just need a loyal bunch of players, and some perseverance!

What are the 4 player types? Let’s start with the most despised:

The Visitor

I thought I would leap right in there with the most hated and reviled of all raiding player types: the player that’s only hanging around for a while. The player that thinks he’s way too good to be in your pokey, up-and-coming raiding guild — you’re merely a stepping stone for the Visitor, he’s on his way to the top baby!

• Bartle Player Type: Opportunists, with a few Planners thrown in (the more intelligent ones). Maybe one or two Networkers (but they are rare, and would probably already be in a hardcore guild).
• Kolb Learning Style: Being such a variety of types, it’s hard to pigeon-hole The Visitor into a learning style. In theory, they could be any of the hardcore raiding types, just waiting for their moment to come!

The Visitor is an odd ball. They are likely to be your best gamers, as they are looking to be ’spotted’ by top guilds; but at the same time, any investment you make into a Visitor is most likely going to be a waste (in the long run!) It’s not uncommon for a Visitor to constantly remind you that he’s only in the guild while he looks for a ‘better guild’ more suited to his awesome abilities. Visitors will sometimes be complete underachievers, knowing that their efforts feel wasted on a normal raiding guild.They are probably of the opinion that they can do more damage than the next player with one hand behind their back.

What To Avoid

Visitors are likely to be prima donnas — they want special treatment for being a cut above the rest of your guild. Sadly, you probably should give them special treatment. It really depends on how keen on progress you are — Visitors could provide a quick boost in progress, but then a drop in progress and morale when they ultimately leave. Visitors are likely to be the best damage dealers in your raid (much like the Killer in a hardcore raid) — but in the vast majority of cases, there’s a reason they’re still not in a hardcore guild. If you treat a Visitor with respect, and make sure they get the loot that’s rightfully theirs, they might just hang around! They might leave and rejoin a few times, but that’s just part of the ‘experience’ in a normal raiding guild.

The Loyal Soldier

These are the raiding guild’s equivalent of the Silent But Deadly hardcore guild member — your stalwart members that have been in the guild since the start, and won’t depart until the guild disbands. If you need someone to boost you through a low-level instance on an alt, the Loyal Soldier is the player most likely to help you;  if you need some kind of old reagent, they most likely have a stockpile on one of their many, many alts.

• Bartle Player Type: Again, a large split between Scientists, Friends and Networkers — the implicit types. These are generally quiet, reclusive types that you will rarely notice causing a fuss in general chat.
• Kolb Learning Style: Likely to be Divergers. They might not raid a lot, so they spend more time thinking about their raiding experience. Reading strategies might be very dull to them, though.

We are talking here about players that joined a guild back when they were low-level and running around The Barrens. Perhaps they are real life friends of the guild leader, or they have some other emotional tie to the guild — either way, they are likely only playing the game because of the guild. Raiding is probably a relatively new thing for them — they are likely to be incredibly experienced with ‘old world’ content and dungeoneering.

What To Avoid

While loyal, don’t expect Loyal Soldiers to be the best raiders. They are likely to be ’slow and steady’, preferring to try things a few times, and then digest what just happened. They don’t want to wipe and wipe for 4 hours — they would rather crack open a beer, have a laugh with their old friends, and try to kill something by the end of the raid.

The only real risk is that their gradual accumlation of gear and experience make these quite prized by hardcore guilds. If a Loyal Soldier suddenly has the plan to join a hardcore guild, there could be trouble. They will very rarely leave, but if they do it could be very bad for guild morale — and the huge loss of experience and gear is obviously detrimental too.

The Troll

First of all, apologies to our blue-and-green skinned friends the trolls (did they have a run-in with nuclear waste or something?) I am talking here about Trolls; internet trolls. These are the equivalent of the hardcore ‘Dramatic’ player type… but unfortunately they don’t have hardcore raiding to focus their attention on. Their excess energy inevitably leaks out as trolling. Forum trolling, general chat trolling, guild chat trolling — you name it, the Troll probably spends more time talking crap than anythinig else.

• Bartle Player Type: Griefers and Politicians. Their time is probably equally spent between ganking lowbies and holding court in a major city, or gneeral chat.
• Kolb Learning Style: Raiding is a bit of a joke for a Troll — the learning style is thus a bit hard to pin down.

Sadly (or happily, if you can keep them in check!) every guild has a few of these, with raiding guilds likely to have more than their fare share. Trolling is normally a sure sign of chronic underachieving. Chances are they were once a  failed hardcore raider and had to give up, perhaps due to not having time, or simply not being good enough. Some trolls are ‘home bred’ though — they are just the cocky, social types that treat WoW more as a big, shiny soap box than a video game.

What To Avoid

Raiding guilds don’t tend to have as stringent recruiting policies as hardcore raiding guilds, so inevitably a few Trolls will sneak into your ranks. In some cases though, they are disaffected Visitors or Loyal Soldiers — bored with the game, or upset with Blizzard for some reason. Trolls are likely to be return customers — coming and going, quitting and resubscribing. Trolls aren’t a happy bunch — you probably want to avoid keeping Trolls in your raid group, incase  their sadness spreads. They might be funny for a while, but eventually they’ll get on the nerves of the other members!

The Newbie

Making up the rest of a raiding guild’s ranks are the newbies. Undergeared and inexperienced, the Newbie is a lovely blank slate, tabula rasa, just ready to be scrawled all over by the guild leader, and anyone else in the guild that likes creating an impression.

• Bartle Player Type: Let’s say their player type is as-yet undefined. They might have some tendencies, but Newbies, nowadays, are probably first-time MMORPG players, still discovering their likes and dislikes.
• Kolb Learning Style: Could be any of the four… you’ll find out in time!

A Newbie is very much what you make of him or her. WoW is an incredibly easy game, so a Newbie could easily flourish into a beautiful young raider and almost certainly into a Loyal Soldier, given time.

What To Avoid

Newbies need guidance — lots of it! Obviously it’s very much a mixed bag; you might be nuturing a Troll or Visitor, but there’s no real way to tell at this early stage. You want to avoid bringing them into contact with Trolls or Visitors, lest the early seeds of destruction are planted. Encourage the guild to communicate well with Newbies — answer their questions, help them gear up. There’s a chance they will fly the nest when they grow up, but that’s a risk you’ll always have to take in raiding guilds.

The fate of the raiding guild

Unfortunately, as the intermediate step between casual and hardcore guilds, a raiding guild is likely to be treated as a stepping stone. It’s a sad fate for the guild leader and his Loyal Soldiers, but it’s something, as time goes by, that you will come to terms with. A new instance is released; you’ll lose players. Have a large argument with a player? He’ll leave. Other than Loyal Soldiers, raiding guilds do not have great player retention — the grass is always greener on the other side, remember?

So the key, then, to surviving as a raiding guild is to convert your players into Loyal Soldiers. I have seen some raiding guilds survive successfully since WoW’s release by keeping an active core of Loyal Soldiers and steadily subverting Newbies into the loyal and adoring fold.

How best then to go about making the most of your guild and its players?

• Visitors will make up a sizable portion of your guild and must be looked after. If you are a new guild, there’s a chance your entire guild will be made of Visitors — if that’s the case, it’s the guild leader’s sole responsibility to convert these to Loyal Soldiers. In older guilds you should have a strong enough feeling of comraderie and loyalty that Visitors are either converted automatically, or they ultimately flee. Sadly, they are likely to be your best raiders — so if you wish to progress quickly, you are going to have to gear them up, and pray.
• Loyal Soldiers might be either rare, or make up almost your entire guild. When the other 3 types have quit, this is what you’re left with — a slow and plodding core of loyal members. Loyal Soldiers don’t make the greatest raiders, but they do make good officers. They are ideal at converting Newbies into future Loyal Soldiers, and as such are perfectly suited to being class leaders, or recruitment officers.
• Trolls are thankfully quite rare (because you’ve kicked them all, right?!) and merely serve as comic relief. While they’re on your side (and trolling other guilds/players) it can be great to keep 1 or 2 in the guild or raid. They are often quite smart, and won’t be awful at the game (they are quite experienced, don’t forget!) — they just find trolling more interesting than doing lots of damage, or healing properly. The moment they turn inwards and start trolling guild chat or festering discontent and spreading FUD… it’s time to cut your losses and remove them.
• Ah, Newbies… Fresh like the morning, dewy grass. Unsullied and pure, a blank slate, just waiting for a charismatic leader or Loyal Soldier to come along and teach them some tricks. Newbies are the lifeblood of your raiding guild; they must be recruited regularly! Meet a nice, new player while in a 5-man dungeon? Recruit! As I said earlier, WoW is very easy, and almost anyone with half a brain can raid successfully — they just need to be taught how to raid and what their role is. An easy-going and understanding nature will help nuture these Newbies into loyal, life-long members of your guild. The risk with Newbies is that if you don’t get to them first, someone else might — a Troll, or a rival guild. There needs to be lots of hand-holding, like with a child!

Notes

Raiding guilds have an awful lot of caveats attached to them. Raiding guilds can be groups of real life friends, or they can be formed by a lot of spam in general chat. This wide gamut of roots means that your raiding guild might be made up of completely different types to the ones listed here. What I’ve tried to do is illustrate what a standard raiding guild might contain. A guild that’s levelled together, and started raiding, or perhaps a group of friends that have recruited a few more players to do some raiding content.

Raiding guilds, due to their wildly varying roots and nature, tend to be quite a ‘hands on’ experience to lead. While a hardcore guild is generally self-governed by players that all have the same purpose — to be number one! — a raiding guild isn’t quite so lucky. Raiding guilds will lose players to other raiding guilds, and they will lose a lot of experienced and geared Visitors to hardcore guilds.

The good news is — and really, it’s good news — in a raiding guild it’s the spirit and fun of the game that keeps people playing and not the progress! Your Loyal Soldiers aren’t going to leave you if you fail to kill a boss. Your Newbies won’t be any the wiser. Your Trolls will continue to laugh and bicker, no matter how far you progress.

If you lose a player, that’s generally a good thing. It means they didn’t want to be a part of your guild and community. Do you really want a player like that in your guild? Remember, WoW is easy — in a raiding guild, everyone is replaceable! Go and find someone nicer to replace them with!

If you have any questions about the issues or topics raised here, I’m more than happy to answer them. You can ask them in a comment, or email me using this form.

If you liked reading this, there is more to read about WoW, guilds and raiding in the archive!

Since the start of this series of ‘Life as a guild leader‘ articles I’ve received quite a variety of questions both here on the site and via email. With a little break from the norm, I’m going to answer these questions publically, so that hopefully everyone can learn from the trials and tribulations of other guild leaders.

I’ve removed any incriminating and identifiable data so don’t worry, if you’re one of the people that sent me a question!

I have questions from very hardcore through to casual ‘we met in The Barrens and are currently working our way through Wailing Caverns’ guilds, but first I’m going to answer some raiding-oriented questions:

My guild is at that stage where we’re not quite sure if we’re hardcore, and we’re not quite sure if we’re regular raiders. The serious players are pulling us towards the hardcore side of things, but we have a lot of ‘oldies’ that would rather remain a normal raiding guild. What should we do?

One of the questions that plagues the membership of almost every WoW raiding guild: Are we hardcore? Do we want to be hardcore? There’s unfortunately no simple answer to this one. It will probably come down to one thing though:  does your guild leader have the time and energy to propel your guild from regular raiding through to hardcore progressive raiding. Obviously active class leaders can help a lot with the transition, but at the end of the day it’s the drive of one person putting in hour after hour to ensure you have a stable platform for hardcore raiding that will make the difference between success, or failure.

Someone has to set up a good website, a DKP system, a set of rules — this is nearly always the guild leader! If you want to make that step-up from server 10th to the top 3, someone has to put in the hours. Whether a group agreement is made by the officers, or the guild leader agrees to put in a lot of extra effort, one thing is certain: a lot of labour goes into building a hardcore guild. I’ve written some other articles on the topic of leading a hardcore guild, which you can find in the archive.

If you think you have the balls and the time to make a hardcore guild, the next question to ask is: Do we have the players? It is certainly guaranteed that you will lose your casual players if you become a hardcore guild. Likewise if you remain a regular guild, you will lose your hardcore players to hardcore guilds! As World of Warcraft is an easy game, it’s not normally hard to find raiders, but it does require rigorous recruitment to find raiders that can play unhindered and unmolested for 4 hours a night, 5 days a week.

If you have the players, and someone that’s willing to put in the effort of recruitment and logistics (making sure people turn up for raids is hard), you simply need a good DKP system and you’re ready to rock!

Is it better to lead a guild with an iron fist, or to take a more laid-back position? Should I ween out the weaklings myself, or should I let natural evolution take care of it for me?

This likely comes down to how your guild was formed. If you are a relatively new guild where the power structures are weak, with nonexistant or newbie class leaders, leading with an iron fist is probably the only way to go. Someone has to grab the reins and dig their spurs into the guild to drive it forward — and that person is the guild leader. As the structure of the guild develops and a successful hierarchy forms, a more laid-back position can be assumed. Issues will bubble up through class leaders and perhaps to assistant guild leaders before they finally get to you. In mature guilds problems tend to solve themselves through discussion and peer-pressure — just like communities in real life — and it’s likely you’ll only have to step in with your fist of iron if things get really out of hand.

If you lead a developed guild with an unwavering, unerring view on things, you might find that your guild becomes stale and lifeless. Tyranny is generally very poor for the development of society or culture — you want your members to be able to voice their opinions and feel at home! A community is only as strong as its members…!

What’s the best way to judge if you have enough raiders to raid successfully over a period of time? Is there an ideal number of each class that prevents burn-out, but also limits drama when people don’t get invited?

With Blizard’s new ‘bring the player, not the class’ initiative, it’s hard to pick exact numbers. Assuming Blizzard continue to provide a ‘fair’ experience for each class (i.e. encounters that favour each kind of tank, DPS and healer), you can’t go far wrong with the following numbers, broken down into class and role, and starting with the tank classes:

• 3 warriors — 1 tank, 2 DPS/tanking hybrids
• 4 paladins — 1 tank, 3 DPS/healing hybrids
• 3 death knights -- 1 tank, 2 DPS/tanking hybrids
• 4 druids — 1 tank, 3 DPS/healing hybrids

With this setup you have 4 available ‘main tanks’ — a number you require, assuming each raider maintains 75% attendance. Three tanks is the ’standard’ 25-man raid tank alotment, according to Blizzard — you have plenty of hybrids if you need to fill in an off-tanking role for whatever reason, though

Moving onto the pure DPSers (Rogues, Hunters, Warlocks and Mages), it’s fairly straightforward: 3 of each DPS class.

This leaves just the shaman and priests — 4 of each is a good target. Shaman, with so many juicy buffs, tend to do a lot of respeccing. Priests, as the jack of all trades (well, except for tanking…) can fill any remaining gaps nicely. It’s not uncommon to see a guild with 5 priests, or with 0, depending on the strength of their other healers!

This gives you a total pool of 34 players, which assuming raiders maintain 75% attendance is about 26 players online at any given time! In reality though, you will tend to have either too few or too many people online — that’s when a rota system can come in handy! If you have 4 raids a week, 1 druid can skip a single raid each week — as long as the other 3 promise to turn up!

In general, with these kinds of numbers, assuming 75% attendance, you will be able to maintain healthy raids with a minimum of ‘invite time’ drama. An attendance closer to 80 or 85% is obviously more desirable on ‘progress raids’ where you might want to make switches — but hopefully with Blizzard’s new initiative that won’t be a requirement!

One last question:

Morale’s really low in our guild at the moment. We never really recovered from the complete cock-block of the later bosses in Sunwell Plataeu, and now this easy-mode grind has taken us in the other direction — now we’re done with things in one night, everyone logs out, and we don’t see each other until next week. I’m worried that when Ulduar comes we won’t have the teamwork we once had. Help!

This is a remarkably common problem, especially amongst guilds that didn’t quite become a hardcore progressive guild (i.e. number 1 on the server, or close to it). You’ve pushed incredibly hard, often to the point of breaking and eventually giving up; or going on a  ‘raiding break’ as some guild leaders like to diplomatically call it. It often happens on pre-nerf instance end bosses — C’thun at 60 and Kael’thas/M’uru  at 70 — where only the very top guilds will have the skills, endurance and reserves of morale to get the kill. We’re talking tiny numbers here: about 150 guilds killed Kil’jaeden — maybe 4,500 people out of a few million.

Quite simply, if you haven’t quite got what it takes, your guild will at the very least lose a bunch of players to burn out. At the very worst, enough people won’t turn up at the end of the raiding break and the guild will fold. So then, how best to prevent that burn out? It’s remarkbly simple: don’t push it beyond breaking point. The only problem is knowing where that breaking point is! Normally it’s when people start turning up late, or you begin wiping more rather than less. If you find yourself bringing new people to the raid each time, that’s a good sign too.

Ultimately you have to judge how strong the guild feels. Is Ventrilo becoming a graveyard during raids? Are people losing their temper at the tiniest and inconsequential mistakes? Are people making more and more odd excuses in the raid-skip forum thread? Any and all of these are signs that you’re pushing it beyond the threshold of your raid group. Just remember that those pre-nerf bosses are only meant to be done by the very top guilds — Blizzard always nerf them at a later date for everyone else to do them! If you haven’t got what it takes, don’t push it. Wait for the nerf! Even if you’re not #1, at least you’ll have a guild and your community at the end of it!

The second half of the question, regarding the dumbing-down of content in Wrath of the Lich King, is slightly harder to answer. You could embrace your inner casual (Blizzard certainly seems to encourage it), or you could encourage the guild to level alts together. PVPing is always good, both arenas and battlegrounds; they keep people talking to each other, and it’s a whole lot more ‘reactive’ than the current content available to us. The other option is to play other games! Left 4 Dead and DOTA are the two current favourites of my guild: both require a lot of teamwork and communication, and both are excellent time-sinks if you are looking for cooperative games like WoW, but don’t require 25 people!

If you have any questions about the issues or topics raised here, I’m more than happy to answer them. You can ask them in a comment, or email me using this form.

Time and time again I see driven and excited people come together as a guild or clan, progress well but ultimately fizzle out and die.

Whether it’s because of loot drama or a tyrannical guild leader, the main thing stopping a guild from becoming successful is survival. As I’ve touched on before, World of Warcraft is an easy game. The thing holding you back from that elusive Server First is not player skills; it’s teamwork and logistics.

Now, teamwork and logistics are huge topics for another day. What I want to talk about today is something that you will need to develop and foster while your raid team or guild starts to coalesce. Alongside the implementation of a DKP system and a good raid schedule, you must also develop your community.

A good community is perhaps the main thing that holds back many new guilds. Many old guilds also take it for granted, letting it gradually waste away; a community can not be just left to hang, it must be gently cultivated, nurtured and looked after!

So, perhaps we should start with the definition of the term, and go from there:

What is a community?

A community is often defined as a group of people living in the same locality, governed by the same laws or rules. It could be as small as a group of friends that meet up at the same place and have their own ‘house rules’, or it could be as large as international ‘gaming community’ (although communities that span the globe don’t tend to have the same rules as localised ones). For the sake of this article I’m going to be talking about community sizes you often find in contemporary online games and virtual worlds; in clans, guilds and corporations.

Online communities tend to consist of 5 to 100 people. While some communities are larger, they often splinter into ‘cliques’ – groups of friends that stick very much together and don’t really add anything to the community itself. Generally, I wouldn’t recommend trying to run a online community that has more than 100 members, but if you’ve successfully grown a community and you see no reason to stop… see what you can do!

A community, then, in an online game, is a group of gamers that come together in the same place (albeit virtual, it’s still a place!) and live by the same rules, as laid down by the leader of the community (at the start, anyway!)

Creating a place for the community to exist

For an online community to come together, the members need somewhere to hang out! For an online game it’s obviously guild chat or a forum. For smaller clans it might be an IRC room, or a mailing list. As I already said, these are virtual places, but they are still places; places where thoughts and emotions can exist and run wild. A community needs a place where its members can be. It is vitally important if a thought needs sharing, or a question posed, that a place exists for that interchange.

Creating a place for the community to exist is as simple as creating a guild or chat room. A forum is also incredibly useful for the sharing of thoughts in larger communities (I’ve listed a few free forum providers at the end of this article).

The rules of the community

Once you’ve created a place, the next step is to define some common rules that everyone adheres to. I’m not talking here about draconian commandments, but I am talking about rules that add flavour, or define who you are. Perhaps a roleplaying guild might require all of its members to stay ‘in character’. Maybe you’re a player-killing clan that only has one rule: kill anything that breathes. It might just be as simple as ‘play your best and aim for server number one’.

It’s these rules that will bring your community together. Through common rites, rules and goals you will begin to trust each other; it’s only with that implicit trust and security that the community can continue its growth and become a ‘true community’.

The levels of community

M. Scott Peck was an American psychologist that had a huge body of work, but most importantly for this article, he focused a lot on communities, their characteristics, and how the phases they go through in their development.

He proposes 4 distinct stages that a community goes through (hopefully they make it to the end!):

• Pseudocommunity – As the name suggests, this isn’t really a community. Members often cover up their differences, for the sake of survival, or a common goal. This is very much a community of ’survival’; a group of players see an opportunity to improve their survival, so they group up!
• Chaos – When the psuedocommunity ultimately fails (and it will, given enough drama), the members start to go to each other for help, or guidance, or to vent their differences or grievances. This is the first stage of bonding, and trust-building! It goes beyond plain survival here — the members are trying to improve their survival!
• Emptiness – Eventually, differences are laid aside. Egos, or ego-related issues are suppressed. This is where the strong individual urges are destroyed and the community is actually born.
• True community – After making it through all of the previous stages, the members of the community are in complete empathy with one another. Arguments will arise, but they will be settled in a timely fashion without things becoming too heated. Motives are never called into question in a true community – it’s way beyond that point! – any members of the community that made it to this point are in it for the long run, perhaps until the day they die (or quit!)

These stages are very easily mapped onto online communities. Using World of Wacraft guilds as a base for the examples:

• Stage 1 – A guild forms. The leader has normally chosen a purpose for the guild’s existence, but that’s the only thing keeping the guild together. ‘A place to farm easy epics!’ or ‘Become number one on the server!’ are two common goals for a guild at this stage
• Stage 2 – It’s the guild leader’s job to get the guild to this stage as soon as possible! Stage 1 is quite destructive (and some guilds never leave it), and real progress and melding as a group can only occur once there is discourse and argument about how best to do things. Most WoW guilds that get to this stage can survive for a long time; simply getting the members to care enough and discuss issues or boss strategies is an achievement!
• Stage 3 – Once the rampant egos have been squashed, or removed, a guild might make it to this stage. This is when people start sharing real life issues and empathy starts popping up. People earnestly care for each other. It’s around this stage that people start turning up for every raid – and if they don’t, they’re very apologetic about it. Being let down by a member of the community is rare at this stage.
• Stage 4 – Often referred to as ‘spiritual community’, this is a stage that very few guilds will reach. This is where you start finishing each other’s sentences. There is an overwhelming feeling of inclusivity, commitment and consensus in a true community. A single leader also becomes less important at this stage; the community tends to govern itself through rational discussion that can only occur in a truly safe environment.

Peck defines true community with lots of shiny, happy terms, but the key values of a true community are: a safe place, a spirit (shared wisdom/love), and a place where everyone feels involved and included, without the fear that their feelings will be ignored, or attacked by other members.

Obviously, if an online community can reach the 4th and final stage, they’re going to be around for a long time, and perhaps span multiple games. The community transcends individual games; it becomes a lot more about the forum, voice coms, or even real-life meets!

Most guilds will only ever reach Stage 2 or 3 though, which is generally fine. A lot of progress will appear when people lay down their differences and egos, and focus on actually working together. If a community never progresses from Stage 1, you are in for a short, wild ride. There might be some progress, but it will be fleeting. Many flash-in-the-pan guilds recruit heavily, get bullied around by a guild leader, progress a bit, and ultimately dissipate to other guilds — these guilds serve a purpose though… they gear up people for other guilds with strong communities!

How to build a community — an example

Let me give you an example of a community that’s started from scratch. This could be a tiny fledgling guild started in The Barrens, or it could be a clan of Counter Strike players that bumped into each other in a random free-for-all game.

The first step is obviously to create a place to exist. This might be a forum, or a chat room, or just guild chat. It’s not hard to create a place! As long as the tools are there to facilitate communication, that’s all that matters. In general, though, a forum is the best solution for almost every kind of community — it allows real-time communication, and also threads of thought that can be answered at a later date. A forum also acts as a ‘group consciousness’, storing information from the past for future generations! Freedom of information is very important!

Once you have a place, you need some rules. This is the great part of online communities: your set of laws and rules can be incredibly flimsy, or very restrictive — whatever works! You might choose to have an almost non-existant rule set (our guild only has one rule, for example: ‘Don’t be an asshat’), or you might have a huge charter that lays down what you can and can’t do while in that community. I’ve seen roleplay guilds that have entire ‘rules of engagement’ laid out, that everyone must follow!

The most important thing is that these rules must be inclusive. Freedom of speech, as is the freedom of information. You are building a community not a tyranny. The members of the community must be able to speak their minds; they must be able to share their passions and concerns. It is only through concensus of opinion and inclusion that a community can grow upwards through the 4 stages!

The exception here is when someone (often the leader, although it could be by group agreement too) oversteps the line and needs correction, or removal. Racism is a common example of ‘excessive’ freedom of speech, as is misogyny in a community that includes girls. Religion might also be a sensitive subject in some cultures. Basically, any avenue of conversation that might push people out, rather than include. If a community reaches Stage 4 — true community — most codes of conduct are self-governing; it’s the early stages of a community that need the most hand-holding and guidance.

Once you have a place, and some rules, the community will begin to flourish. A little guidance might be necessary though! A community is nothing if it’s not used. What good is a forum, chat room or guild chat if no one actually uses it? I’ve seen WoW guilds with maybe 1 or 2 new forum posts every week; needless to say, their communities were incredibly weak — they just exist to raid, and never get past Stage 1.

It is someone’s (or everyone’s!) job to make sure the community grows. Encourage people to log into the forum and ask questions. Expect other people to assist you during your travels. If someone asks a question — answer it in a timely fashion!

You are trying to develop a group where everyone feels included, where you can put your entire soul into it without the fear that your investment won’t be returned. A community is only as strong as its members make it — if there is some rule, or some person (a tyrant!) that prevents people from dedicating themselves fully, your community may never get past Stage 1 or 2.

Notes

As with everything I’ve written, there’s always some exclusions or special cases that need mentioning. The common factor of Stage 3 and 4 communities is that they don’t have a tyrant leader — they have a shared leadership, with the members defining the rules and delivering justice. In fact, once a community progresses out of Stage 2, a leader might find himself with very little to do; problems seem to get solved on their own, and eventually problems just don’t arise!

Unfortunately, many online guilds tend to have tyrannical leaders. I’ve seen many guilds on the cusp of Stage 3 crushed by a tyrannical guild leader that’s afraid to lose his grip on control of the community. Some leaders are perhaps only playing to lead, rather than create a great and thriving community.

This isn’t to say that a leader has no place in Stage 3 or 4 communities! Their role tends to become more of a ’spiritual father’ (for want of a better term), guiding the community in times of unrest. As online communities are nearly always recruiting to replace quitters, it is also the leader’s job is to remove new members that don’t gel with the rest of the community; although the members themselves might force new people out, if they don’t fit.

I said I would provide a list of good, free forum providers, so here they are:

Free Forums/Guild Portals

• Guild Portal
• Guildomatic
• GamerDNA
• GuildLaunch

If on the other hand you are a smaller clan, how about getting an IRC room on QuakeNet? (It’s a very comprehensive guide!)

If you have any questions about the issues or topics raised here, I’m more than happy to answer them. You can ask them in a comment, or email me using this form.

I’m taking a quick break from my tirade against religion to talk about a topic quite close to my heart, and probably quite interesting to girls too:

How do you get, and keep, a geeky guy?

Now, if you’ve read my previous articles on dorkiness, geekiness and nerdiness, the main thing that seperates us from ‘normal men’ is that we have a very strong interest in one or more subjects. Geeks are passionate, dorks are very passionate, and nerds are so passionate that nothing else matters.

This will focus on getting, dating and securing geeks and dorks; nerds are outside the scope of this article (and often the scope of real life…)

So, you want to land yourself a geek? Isn’t that easy? They’re all sex-mad, unloved dweebs…

The common misconception is that geeky guys are easy; they don’t have high expectations, so you can treat them badly, or generally mistreat them — they’ll still hang around like a bruised, loyal puppy.

This is false!

The first thing to keep in mind is that geeks are intelligent. Perhaps their intelligence is applied in a strange way (they might know the entire cast, including extras, of a given episode of Star Trek), but they are generally quite smart. In all likelihood, if you mistreat a geek, he will simply lose interest in you and go back to perfecting his skills in World of Warcraft. You need to be smart, and treat a geek with respect! A geek won’t be interested in a girl that just wants him for his penis…! Remember that geeky guys aren’t laden down with the masculine insecurities like other men. We love the idea of a strong, successful woman. A wilting wallflower of a girl with nary an opinion of anything is not much of a turn-on — quite the opposite, as we tend to have very strong opinions ourselves!

Which leads me onto the next point:

You need to be a good listener

Geeks, in general, don’t get out a lot. When asked who they consider their friends to be it’s not unlikely that the list will include an ‘AcidBurn’ or ‘AssassinDude’. There’s a reason that many geeks step-over into the nerdishness — there’s no one to hold their hand; no one to hold them back and say ‘No, stay with us in the realm of the living.’ What a geek most wants is someone to talk to, someone to vent their (sometimes very esoteric) peevishness at. Geeks might find very quaint things irritating or distracting — it’s your job to listen, and nod, and smile as a geek regales you of his daily woes.

When you rouse a geek from his prone position behind his keyboard, try to listen to his trials and tribulations for 10 minutes or so. He doesn’t expect you to offer any solutions; just listen. It’s nice to have someone that wants to listen… (I need to get a girlfriend!)

If you have the balls, and the intellect to interject– and perhaps even offer a a good counter-view — we’ll probably just fall in love with you on the spot.

Be direct, and assertive

This is probably the most important tip for getting a geeky boyfriend.

The problem with being a geek (or dork, or nerd) is that our ability to read your body language or flirtacious signals is bad. Being stuck in our bedrooms, or basements, or comic book shops, we don’t eperience a lot of human interaction. It’s not that we’re ignoring your advances — we don’t know you’re advancing! Geeks are not good at ambiguity — you need to be direct, certain or even… dominant. Winking and gently flirting is very unlikely to score you a geek; just grab him and make out, it’s easier. It’ll also awaken that long-lost demon within, that rampant beast that might’ve lain dormant for many years… of course I am talking about:

The sex drive

It is your job, as the woman, to remind the geek that sex is available. In fact, it’s your job to remind him of things like: showering, eating and getting out of the house occasionally. Don’t hesitate to wrap your arms around us, from behind, and urge us to leave the computer for a bit of fornication. It might appear that we’re not interested in sex, but the fact is we’re just concentrating on other things… like Battlestar Galactica. Once lured away from our computers we will quickly rediscover our libido,  and it’s said that geeks make the best lovers too, so please… remind us to have sex at least occasionally. Thanks!

But don’t stifle our geekiness!

While being dragged away from our Dungeons & Dragons books makes for a nice, occasional respite, don’t go over the top! Don’t spend your days reminding us that you want more attention, or that we should get away from our computers more. You have to remember that while a geek might love you, he probably loves his hobbies just as much — and his hobbies have the advantage that they are often inanimate objects that don’t whine a lot…

Basically, geeks are incredibly low maintenance. Obviously, if you need something in particular from a geek, don’t hesitate to ask. If you haven’t had sex in a week, tell him! If you need a shoulder to cry on, let him know.

Just please, for the love of God, don’t try the ‘it’s time to choose: me, or your computer’ line. Believe me, you’re not going to win that one.

After last week’s entry on ‘how to get, and keep, a geeky guy‘, an important question popped up in a comment: Why would I want a geek?!

Now, being a thoroughbred geek myself, I figured it was in my own best interest to tell you why you should get yourself a brand new and shiny geek boyfriend. Of course, I can’t marry more than one girl at a time (unless I move to Utah and become a Mormon), so what I’m really doing here is bigging up ALL of my geeky brethren and sistren (which is phrase used almost exclusively by feminist writers, incidentally — and now me).

This post, unlike the previous one, is about geeks of ALL varieties — boys and girls, computery or otherwise. If you’re not sure what a geek is (or a dork, or — ew — a nerd), I define them in another post. In essence though, a geek is someone that is more interested in the world than themselves.

With that out of the way, this is why geeks make the best boyfriends, girlfriends and — believe it or not — lovers too. It’s a bitter pill to swallow. It goes against everything that your ‘cool’ friends and the media has told you, but it’s true. Read on, and I’ll prove it.

Why geeks make great partners

I will start with the one trait above all others that makes geeks great partners: they are more interested in you than themself. Geeks are inherently less interested in their own wellbeing (normally so much so that they forget to eat, or shower), and far more interested in other things — like pleasing you, or making a realistic lightsaber. While a macho man, or a socialite woman might be more interested in how you affect their appearance, a geek is just happy to have a partner. They don’t care how you look, or even how you look together — they are happy just being together.

A hugely beneficial side-effect of course is that they are also unlikely to ‘go out on the pull’. In fact, they don’t even like leaving their house (or wherever they hang out when they are ‘geeking’). Geeks don’t tend to like large, noisy, social gatheringss… except for conventions of course! Talking of conventions, you’re happy to twist your hair into two Danish pastries and doll yourself up to look like Princess Leia, right? Rachel did it for Ross (who is every geek’s hero…) In general though, a geek is happy with what they’ve got — and they’ve got you.

We’re creative, and funny too!

Being interested in how things work, and less interested in people, puts geeks in a unique position. Geeks are often not entirely clued up on what’s socially acceptable, by virtue of not being very ‘out there’, and as a result our humour can be… a little off-beat. Sarcastic sometimes, and scathing, or even a little racist — but funny! It’s not unusual for a geek to listen to Billy Connolly, Bill Hicks or other angry comedians while they work; comedy that nodoubt rubs off on them. It’s this ‘outside the box’ mentality that makes us creative too! It’s not unheard of for a geek to spend days and days to get something just so — and that something might be a romantic surprise for you; or it could be a pulley system that feeds the cat from his computer chair. Geeks are most likely to create a special, romantic photo screensaver for you, or track down a stuffed toy from your favourite cartoon as a child. Geeks rarely take the easy way out if there’s an interesting solution to the task.

Geeks are romantic

Romance is all about being creative and creating a lovely relationship. The moment that you stop creating that relationship, it tumbles away — and a geek knows that all too well! A geek is probably quite aware that you’re not with them for their good looks, or their firm body. As a result, they tend to be very romantic, and very, very sappy. Now, our idea of romance might be different from yours, but that’s not a bad thing! A geek might make you a pretty, pink website declaring to the world their undying love for you; is that really worse than a bunch of flowers that’ll die in a few days? You can always expect weird and wacky tokens of affection from a geek lover.

We might still buy you chocolates however; but that’s OK, you don’t mind sharing, right?

Geeks are intelligent!

If you’re one of the few people that find intelligence unattractive, what’re you doing reading this blog? Shoo! Most people admire, and find security in intelligence. As I just mentioned, keeping things fresh is vital for a relationship, and intelligence can help a lot with that! An intelligent partner can broaden your horizons; a geek can introduce you to ideas, TV shows or places that you’ve never seen or heard of.

Geeks are also great at helping you sort out problems, either mental or physical. Being not wholly ‘of this world’, geeks can often apply quite objective logic to a problem that you might be struggling to analyse rationally. Geeks are also good at sorting out your technical problems! In fact, fixing a girl’s computer is by far the most common (and best!)  ‘intro’ that a geek guy has to meeting a possible girlfriend. The number of computers I fixed at university…

Don’t forget,  geeks are the reason cures for diseases have been found, and the reason you have a television to watch; and video games to play! Slowly but surely, geeks are inventing a world that enables everyone to have more fun, or to live a better standard of living! Eventually, the world will be at a stage where we can emerge from the safety of our bedroom cocoons, spread our wings and become fluttering, social butterflies. The kings of a world we’ve crafted.

But until then… let me tell you more good things about geeks!

We’re loyal and low-maintenance

As I touched on in the previous article, geeks are shockingly easy to get along with. We don’t require hand-holding, nor acts of affection to bolster our egos. We will always take your love at face value! To be honest, we are too busy trying to hack some kind of program together, and finish our costume for the Super Hero Convention to worry about if you really love us or not. It’s that same kind of plain, easy-going self-assurance that makes us incredibly loyal. We know we’re onto a good thing, so why ruin it? It’s not like we go out a lot anyway, so we’re unlikely to bump into possible competition… so don’t worry! Focus on making your relationship fun and love-filled — don’t spend time worrying about our fidelity or love for you!

Now what you’ve all been waiting for — why geeks make the best lovers

Except for possibly Casanova, you probably won’t find a better lover than a geek. We’re affectionate, responsive and creative. Remember what I said earlier? Geeks are intelligent and inquisitive; we like poking around until we work out what makes something tick. Then, we like to fiddle around and work out how we can make it tick louder and faster. Later, after the prodding, we sit and cogitate; we analyse. How can we make things even better? How can we keep it ticking healthily for years to come? Maybe if I do it like this? Or perhaps change the angle a bit?

You probably guessed that I was giving you a euphemistic description of a geek in the sack. In fact, I just gave you a breakdown of what goes through my mind when I’m having sex. Sex is, in fact, just like taking a computer apart, wondering what each part does, and then putting it back together again in the hope that it still works — or even works a bit better!

I’m just kidding. Sex is nothing like taking a computer apart. Watching porn is a little closer, but…

Anyway, breaking down my euphemism, you get these two glorious facts about geeks, when they get it on:

• Geeks try hard. Geeks know that they are probably not some kind of Adonis/Venus in the body department. They therefore know that they have to make the most of what they’ve got; think of the stories you’ve heard about fat girls being great in bed — it’s the same thing with geeks. Unfortunately, that’s not where the similarities end — our fitness level is also not that great… but that’ll improve with more sex!
• We’re caring. We come last. Your pleasure is more important than ours. Due to our often marginal amounts of self-esteem we’re almost entirely focused on making sure you have a good time. That creative mind also gets a good work-out when we’re not having sex; we’re trying to think of new and exciting things to try in the bedroom (or elsewhere) later on! Sex with a geek is rarely boring.

Finally, if you’re happy with your geek, remember: there are lots more available!

And you can give them to your friends! Geeks are still, sadly, a relatively un-tapped resource. I expect that to change rather rapidly when awareness grows of just how awesome geeks are. But until then, if you’re happy with your geek, why not set one of your friends up with another geek? Geeks don’t go out a lot; think about it! Invite a friend around to watch a film and get your geek to do the same! Not only will your friend be happy, but the new, loved-up geek will be appreciative. You’ve just scored yourself a second geek to help you if something needs fixing!

Thinking about it, someone needs to run a geek/non-geek match-up service…

All that remains to be said is how to find a geek. I’m working on that one, but it turns out it’s quite hard to nail down the best place to find geeks… So hard in fact that all I have so far is ‘their bedroom’. I also want to do a piece on ‘how to get that geeky girl’; a relatively new and wondrful breed of girl, and swelling in numbers quickly! I need a little more experience in that department myself though, so I need to talk to some geeky girls first!

Recently, my geekiness was called into question: ‘You’re not very geeky, Sebastian. All you talk about is sex. Sex, sex, sex. That’s hardly wholesome geeky talk. How about some Star Wars talk, or a list of all the comics you own?’

Let me tell you something, Little Miss I’m-a-bigger-geek-than-you : I AM A HUGE GEEK, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

The thing is, like my sexuality, I am so confident in my geekiness that I don’t feel the need to constantly reassure myself, and you lot, that I’m a geek. So, please excuse me if I don’t always talk about a fantastic new range of marbled dice or if the digital Yoda was better than the original wobbly-eared bogey-coloured rubber model.

However…

This weekend I will be attending a LAN party.

A LAN party, for those of you that don’t know — for those of you not geeky enough – is a ‘gaming festival’. It can be small — just 5 or 10 people — or it can be huge. By huge, I mean thousands of people.

Click it for a larger version. Really, click it. It even amazes me.

DreamHack, the largest LAN party in the world, has over 11,000 (eleven thousand) paying attendees. That’s 11,000  people transporting their computers from all over Sweden and Europe. The one I attend, the i-series, ‘only’ has around 2000 attendees — but really, it’s not like you walk around and shake hands with everyone there. The point is: when you stand up — you know, to check if your legs still work — all you can see is computer screens. And towers of consumed energy drink cans. And pizza boxes.

If you were to take a walk around a LAN to check out what the latest ‘case mod‘ fashions are, or what the other gaming areas are like, the first thing you’d notice is just how well everyone gets along. There’s a constant roar of chatter, and regular outbursts of shouting and roaring when a team wins a tournament match. The overall feeling is very much one of friendship and camaraderie. Geeks, ultimately, are still social outcasts. LAN parties are the only place where geeks can be themselves. The ‘cool’ facade drops. Let it all hang out — literally, in some cases.

We geeks are beginning to emerge, but it’s happening slowly. The massive success of video games in the last few years has certainly helped — it is becoming more and more common to hear discussion of video games (like WoW, or COD4) out in the ‘real world’. It’s still mainly in the 19-35 male segment, but girls are catching up!

Until LAN parties become the social norm — and we still have a few years left, trust me — the antithesis, the polar opposite, of LAN partying is clubbing.

I’ve clubbed. At university I clubbed and pubbed. I did the social thing, often 6 nights a week for 3 years. I get it and I understand why people enjoy it; why people enjoy drinking, and dancing, and losing their mind. What I don’t get is why people would club when given an alternative, like a LAN party, or simply going around to a friend’s house.

I’m going to list the pros and cons of each, so I can prove why LAN parties are so much cooler than the alternative:

Clubbing Pros:

• If you’re ugly, you can probably get laid, with enough alcohol (in you, and the unfortunate recipient)
• You can forget about all your troubles and woes — like Cheers, only with worse music — if you drink enough
• The endorphins (the euphoria) from dancing are actually quite good for you!
• A silent disco has a lot going for it but they’re not very popular… yet!

Clubbing Cons:

• If you’re female, you’ll probably get hit on by ugly guys that think they can get into your pants if they ply you with enough cheap alcohol (and date rape is no laughing matter!)
• You’ll get tinnitus, like me, which is permanent. Enjoy the ringing in your ears as you try to sleep. I hope you didn’t like listening to the quiet bits in songs.  Can you tell that I’m bitter?
• I hear the liver transplant waiting list is quite long
• You can’t hear ANYTHING in a damn club. Communication, other than the ‘point at the body part you want licked’ variety (which can be quite fun), is rendered completely impossible
• Often, you have to listen to really shit music (though it does vary)

LAN Party Pros

• You can hear yourself think — perhaps some clubbers don’t like having to hear their own thoughts? Or they don’t have thoughts… Empty, hollow shells…
• Interactive fun! Video games are healthy for the brain.
• Communicative (not, like, diseases) and team-building! Most of the games played at LAN parties are multiplayer games involving a lot of teamwork (read: shouting)
• You can make money doing it! Pro gamers can take home thousands of pounds/dollars. Eventually they’ll take home the girl too! When there is a girl to take…
• Headphones are required! You can even listen to your own music while you game! And then you can take them off to talk to people! How damn futuristic is that?

LAN Party Cons

• Your gear can get stolen (though it’s rare, and security is generally quite good at larger LANs)
• Sleep deprivation is rife (not quite as bad as liver failure though, is it?)

Wow, that’s a very short list of cons, isn’t it? That’s because LAN Parties are awesome. Clubbing only really has one thing going for it (the euphoria), something you could easily get elsewhere — on a roller coaster, or something!

From Thursday through Monday I’ll be at a LAN party. Admittedly, that’s less of a weekend and more of a ‘half week’, but a weekend sounds a little less geeky. Four of us will be going, and we’ll be sleeping in a 3-man tent. One or two of them actually read my blog, and I’m told they are slightly alarmed by my coming out. Wusses.

Ideally, we’d take some girls with us, but guess what — and this will come as a shock — LAN parties are about 95% male. It was about 99% a few years ago, with that 1% being ‘possibly female’ (it’s amazing how hard it is to differentiate between male and female geeks after a few weeks of growth and stagnation — even facial hair isn’t as much of a clue as it should be). Nowadays there are a few girls dotted around — proper ones, without beards — though they tend to be the token girlfriends of geek boys. There is the occasional bona fide geek girl, but they are rare. And coveted. I hope to get myself one, one day.

Geek girls, go to a LAN party! Don’t be afraid! Geek boys don’t bite — they just kinda… grab… when you least expect it. But don’t let that deter you! Even if you’re an anime girl (that’s only one step away from being a furry), you’d fit in at a LAN. LAN parties are like a modern-day Bohemian dream where everyone, no matter how weird and different from the societal norms can hang out and have fun!

I have a dream. One day soon the phrase ‘Hey, wanna go out clubbing?’ will become outmoded, replaced by ‘Hey, come over my place! We’ll crack open a few beers and play some Grand Theft Auto or World of Warcraft‘. It will be a better world; a world with less alcoholism and debauchery. Imagine, if everyone knew what it felt like to play on a Nintendo and grin like a kid, giddy with the magic of it all — wouldn’t that be a much more fun world to live in?

Sell your dancing shoes. Buy a console (and read my beginner’s guide to gaming!)

Today is Floreta’s birthday.

If you don’t know Floreta — the Solitary Panda — she’s one of my many geeky online friends (actually, she’s probably even a bit dorky, and if you don’t believe me, just wait until you watch her video blog). She’s a poet and photographer, and likes to while away the hours by putting on dark, pensive make-up and pondering existential conundrums.

Anyway, I asked her what she wanted for her birthday, and here’s what she said:

“Seb, that gentle, melodic, breathy British voice of yours really gets me hot under the collar. In fact, when I’m listening to your podcasts, I sometimes have to press pause and… well, take a break, you know? Anyway, it would be totally awesome if you recorded a reading of my poems. It would make my day! And night…”

Who am I to deny a cute Asian girl such a great birthday request? So I recorded two poems, one where I play a gay teenage boy circle-jerking with some other boys (…) and the other is far more serious, about love and fear.

But then, things got interesting. She remembered that I’d asked her to write me a poem, about, er, me. Not only did she want to write me a poem, in return for my dramatic readings, she also wanted to perform the poem. Dramatic-like.

Trust me when I say it’s an experience that you don’t want to miss. She even shimmies. In a gamer geek t-shirt. And gets a little too excited when she says ‘Seb’.

Follow this link for Floreta’s video guest blog and follow this link for my readings of her poems.