I’ve had some kind of gaming entry bouncing around my head for a few days now, but the Penis Monologues, and then the Snowy Wonderland kind of took up all of my blogging. But now the snow’s stopped, I have a little time to write about geeky things.

What is a geek?  For those that totally sure of the definition, geekiness is the act of being slightly too excited about something that a ‘normal’ person would find esoteric. Getting excited at your childhood hero playing a cameo in a modern film? Geeky. Organising your DVD collection in alphabetical order? Geeky (and a little bit concerning). Downloading old cartoon theme tunes because you think they’re ‘cool’. Geeky. Playing video games for 12 hours straight. Geeky.

The list goes on, but you get the idea. Basically, anyone that’s in some way interesting is a bit of a geek. People that are totally mediocre are dull. I think we can all agree that being normal and dull is probably a fate worse than spending all of eternity with Beelzebub and his minions. If you don’t agree, you probably shouldn’t be reading this blog anyway, because you’ll be thinking: ‘Sweet Moses! This guy’s a communist that likes talking like a cowboy, and torturing his crippled cat.’

So, anyway, I’m a geek. I can fix most electronic devices just by touching them (I was actually nicknamed Jesus at university — not entirely for that reason, but I don’t want to tell that story just yet). I can build computers from parts. I have been known to play video games for 18 hours straight (no, not World of Warcraft — I think my WoW record was 14 hours). I’ve made fan websites as a homage to my favourite games — like Baldur’s Gate. Then don’t even get me started on musical theatre; 200 recordings, and trips to Broadway just to ’see a few of my favourites’ (like Rent and Wicked).

I even have signed first editions of Terry Pratchett’s Discworld novels.

This fantastic xkcd comic quite accurately describes about 50% of Geekdom.

That comic is proof you don’t need to be able to draw to make a successful webcomic, by the way. Anyway, looking at my list of ‘quirks’, it seems I might have left geekiness behind; I might be approaching… Dorkdom. Perhaps things haven’t quite progressed to that malignant stage yet… perhaps there is still time. If I ever become a dork, shoot me. Between the eyes.

I’m not sure, but I think that’s a Star Wars cosplayer – the worst breed. At least when I hang out with WoW cosplayers it seems they have some modesty left. There’s something deeply erotic about stripping down a female WoW cosplayer in the bedroom, actually. Peeling back those layers of magical armour, exposing the girl’s soft, pliable skin… it’s like actually performing one of the male WoW geek’s greatest fantasies. And I’ve been there.

You know, that was probably a thought I should have left bouncing around in my head, never to be aired publicly.

While I’m on the topic of ‘gaming geek’, we have gaming chic (see what I did there?): Great Geek Gaming Furniture. There’s some truly beautiful and functional furniture shown in the article; it’s well worth looking at, even if you don’t want to spend £5,000 on a chair. But there are lots of things to add to the ‘when I’m rich and famous’ list, like the Poufman.

Penultimately, while I’m not actually a Star Trek geek myself (I enjoy some of the shows as shows, but I’m not so madly besotted that I attend Trekkie conventions looking like a freak), I was shown this fantastic Star Trek Story Generator. If you’ve ever seen an episode of any of the Star Trek franchises, this flow chart will probably be quite hilarious. It’ll probably be funniest if you’ve seen a lot of the original, wobbly-set series.

And finally I leave you with this: (sorry, it has nothing to do with geekiness, but you still want to click ‘play’):

Continuing my mission to prove that not all gamers are geeks, and not all geeks are gamers (hooray for that introductory course in logic at university), I have decided to analyse — and shatter a few –  preconceptions about gamers. This won’t be the usual ‘male gamers do actually shower’ kind of list! I’ll include some girl gamer (grrrl!!) myths too!

Being both a long-term hardcore gamer and someone who has been ’socially successful’ (OK, obviously that’s subjective, but I mean I can get along with other people… hold down a job… and a girlfriend!), I feel like I am in the prime position to analyse and debunk a few gamer myths. Hopefully by the end of the list you will feel a lot more educated on the topic of gamers… and appreciate that we are in fact human too. Here goes:

Female gamers… get around a bit

I thought I’d start with a contentious one to warm up with. Do female gamers actually go out of their way to date or sleep with every boy in a particular group of gamers? Do they keep a list and cross them off? If you’re one of those lucky male gamers that actually has a female in their group, you’ll probably know the answer to this one.

I’m afraid the answer is definitely ‘yes, they are hussies‘. Obviously, not every girl gamer is the village bicycle, but the vast majority do seem to ’sample the goods’. I’ve belonged to 2 ‘LAN party‘ groups and in both I experienced a certain ‘looseness’ about the girls. At university, I think of about 50 guy gamers, we had all dated the 3 or 4 girl gamers. Do the maths. But hey, us geek guys need to get our loving from somewhere… and we have a lot of love to give! We save it up over a number of years and let it all out in a… torrent… of love!

Gamers hate physical activity

Another popular notion is that gamers really hate to do things. The huge, spotty, chair-overhanging dorks obviously don’t do a lot for our cause, it’s true. But that doesn’t mean that we all hate sports, or other physical activities! It just means that we like to do… geeky activities! Like paintball, or airsoft. Or Live Action Role Play (click at your own risk). Obviously sloth-like people are attracted to gaming because it is a sedate, immobile pastime — but that doesn’t mean that gaming makes people hate physical exertion. This myth is simply not true, it’s just a stereotype that we have to shake off, thanks to our fat, spotty brethren!

Gamers are ugly

This one is fairly tied into the previous myth; we don’t exercise, thus we don’t look after our bodies. Sitting in a chair, surrounded by other sweaty guys doesn’t really inspire one to shower and tend to one’s appearance, correct?

Partially true. Much like lazy people are attracted to sit in front of a computer, those that care little about other people, and social interactions are likely to be drawn to gaming. This doesn’t mean that all geeks are ugly! There are plenty of attractive geeks out there that manage to mix up gaming and social interaction (that’s actually why LAN parties are so popular — you get to mix with people, rather than sit in your bedroom/basement all day). When we set up a gallery for my World of Warcraft guild I was quite amazed at how good looking we were! (If you want to see, I’ll be happy to provide some examples.) There definitely seems to be a correlation between social skills, and the quality of your appearance.

The related myth ‘all gamers eat vast amounts of pizza and crappy food‘ is only partially true. Pizza and convenience food just happens to be very, er, convenient — you can still use your mouse or keyboard with a slice of pizza in your other grubby paw.

Girl gamers are just following their boyfriend around

Ah, the tag-along girl gamer. Most of you guy gamers reading this will know what I mean by ‘that cute little girl at the LAN party that looks far too cute to actually be a gamer’. You know, she has braids in her hair. And she’s chatting to a friend on MSN Messenger, rather than actually gaming. Maybe she’s watching some anime. You blink, thinking this amazing vision will disappear… but she’s still there when you open your eyes. You think you’ve suddenly hit the mother lode! AND THEN… her boyfriend re-appears. Cue way too much affection and touching by the boyfriend just to make sure you really know they are going out. This guy is proud of his catch, and he wants you to be jealous. And inevitably… you are. Because he’s getting some, and you’re not.

Again, this myth is partially true. The number of girl gamers that actually attend LAN parties, or play any game other than Sims or Habbo Hotel, is still very, very small. The vast majority of girl gamers that you see in public will likely be the girlfriends of gamer guys. That doesn’t mean that the girl doesn’t enjoy games though! I know many girls that have become gamers after dating a hardcore gamer. Maybe that cute blonde will be attending on her own at the next LAN party?

Gaming is a valid career choice

Ah, the classic line that all kids tell their parents. Even I’ve used this one a few times. ‘Playing games won’t get you a job, son!’ Well, that’s not entirely true, dad. Whether as a games tester, designer or even as a pro gamer, there are possibilities to make a career out of hardcore gaming. Unfortunately, testing games for a job isn’t as fun as it sounds (it gets very old after a month or two) and it doesn’t pay well. Then of course everyone wants to design video games, but as there’s only 2 or 3 designers per 100 programmers, that’s a goal many will find unobtainable.

That leaves pro-gaming, which is certainly a possibility in today’s climate, but again only available to the very best gamers.  That’s not to say you shouldn’t try (winning £10,000 for a few hours’ work in a tournament has to be pretty good!), but you probably shouldn’t drop out of school or stay up all night playing games (until you get to university, then it’s OK!). Give it a few more years though and gaming will certainly be a career choice.

Gamers are violent

Ah, the favourite of our friends the media — we play violent video games, so we must all be closet serial killers just waiting to murder a prostitute and go on a killing spree at our local college. This couldn’t be further from the truth! Of course there are a few psychopaths that also played video games, but to surmise that ‘all video gamers are violent’ is false. Most gamers are actually very relaxed. We can obviously be competitive (there has to be a winner!), but not to the level that we’re threatening each other’s families. The exception here is that hardcore gaming can stifle the development of social skills; you all know about the geek that encroaches on your personal space — it’s that kind of oblivious nature that could cause a violent issue to arise.

If anything, gamers tend to be peace-loving types. God knows we don’t often have the physical make-up to be physically violent; our aggression tends to be the passive-aggressive type, often with snide words or social manipulation. ‘The pen is mightier than the sword’ — replace ‘pen’ with ‘keyboard’ and you will begin to understand a geek’s method of venting pent-up aggression! The associated myth ‘gamers play games as they enjoy killing‘ is also incorrect, it’s just ‘the modernisation’ of the gaming industry — just like modern TV focusing on lawyers or police. There are plenty of incredibly successful games that have very little violence at all — the Zelda and Mario franchises, the most popular franchises of all time, have absolutely zero focus on death and violence (other than to add significance to the plot, anyway!)

It just so happens that, like with most things in this world, games tend to mirror real life. Games are about escapism, or making fun of a popular topic — you can become Rambo, or a member of a Counter Terrorist squad — the measure of your success, then, is how many enemy soldiers you can kill, or how many bombs you can neutralise.

Conclusion

Like most myths there is often a grain of truth in everything you’ve read here. For every humble, peaceful geek there’s going to be one gun-toting maniac that spoils it for the rest of us. Just remember that as gaming becomes more and more popular (and it’s fast overtaking every other entertainment and pleasure pastime in the world today), almost anyone you meet could turn out to be a gamer. It’s only logical that hardcore gaming, and making a career out of gaming will become more popular, and even acceptable!

I’ve been up since 3am trying to fix two servers that decided to go down at roughly the same time.

Completely unrelated issues; just like buses… you wait forever, and then they both come at the same time. Well, I haven’t had an issue like this in over 3 years — and then it happens to TWO separate machines at the SAME TIME!

If you couldn’t access this site for a few hours, that’s why!

Well, that’s why God invented coffee. Large pint-sized mugs of coffee. For days like this.

For the computer geeks out there: Damn the Internet, UDP and script kiddies with nothing better to do. DDoS attacks are so damn brutal.

Following on from my ‘Gamer myths analysed‘, I was asked to confirm my claim that gamers can actually quite attractive.

First, I would like to define ‘ugly’ as ‘uncaring about appearance’ rather than ‘deformed genetically’. Even someone that is ugly by most conventional standards (wall eyed!) can be attractive if they’re clean, well-dressed and have a good complexion. I’m not going to claim that gamers are beautiful — I’m just saying that we’re not all fat, greasy and spotty. We don’t all live at home until we’re 40, eating pizza daily and showering weekly.

I propose that the antisocial gamers tend to be ugly. Those stereotypical pale-skinned loner geeks are ugly.  Social gamers tend to be quite attractive!

With the focus on gaming moving further and further towards the multiplayer experience the popularity of the LAN party will continue to increase. With an increase in social gaming, geeks will improve their image. They’ll shower daily, and brush their hair. One day, they might even go out and buy some non-black t-shirts… but one step at a time! As more girls attend LAN parties there’ll also be a huge bonus to cleaning and dressing adequately — you might actually get laid.

So here’s my wall of ‘pretty gamers’, from my World of Warcraft guild:

I don’t claim that we’re the most beautiful group of people in the world, but hopefully I’ve done a little to dispel the myth that gamers are all fat and ugly.

So you want to game, but you don’t know how?

Or perhaps you’re a disaffected gamer that developed ‘Space Invader Thumbs’ and you’re still nursing RSI.

Perhaps you’re the girlfriend (or boyfriend!) of a gamer, but you don’t really ‘get it’.

If you fit any of the above categories, this guide will hopefully be everything that you need to pick up a game, play it, and even enjoy it! I will be writing in fairly simple terms, with little ‘geek speak’. If you don’t understand something, type it into Google, or ask in a comment!

Shattering a stereotype

Before I even get into the actual gaming side of things, I should talk about the adverse effect the ‘gamer stereotype’ has on newbie and disaffected gamers. There is a lingering image of gamers being pale, and socially inept. As I’ve said in a couple of previous articles, these stereotypes are almost entirely false. Sure, a few stragglers remain — there are definitely a few milky-complexioned kids that play from their parents’ basement –  but much of the modern and online gaming community is much more mature. The 18-34 demographic dominates the gaming market. Especially in the console sector (Xbox, PlayStation, Wii) it’s not uncommon to be playing online with a bunch of people that are 25 years old.

Gaming has changed from that-weird-boy-nextdoor pastime to the fastest-growing leisure activity in the world. No one’s going to snub you for being a gamer. In fact, you might even increase your coolness by playing video games!

Obviously, if you have a deeply-ingrained belief that all gamers are dorky and unpleasant people, this guide isn’t going to be very useful to you. Before continuing YOU MUST BELIEVE THAT GAMES CAN BE COOL AND FUN!

Choosing a platform

As a gaming beginner you probably don’t have the benefit of owning multiple consoles and a PC. You’re going to have to pick a platform to start with, and go from there!

Almost without reservation I can say: buy a Nintendo Wii.

Why? It is the most user-friendly and ergonomic gaming experience available today. There’s a reason it’s by far the best-selling console. It has unique, innovative games (like WiiFit — good for girls, and boyfriends of girls!) and some of the best versions of the most popular franchises in history: Mario World, Mario Kart and Zelda. It also plays all of the old GameCube games, and has a huge catalogue of old NES, SNES and N64 games available for download. If you want to begin gaming, the Wii is almost certainly the best choice.

There are exceptions of course! If you want to play a Massively Multiplayer Online Game (MMOG or MMORPG) like World of Warcraft, Runescape, Toontown or Dofus you are going to need a PC; a desktop computer. This isn’t a guide on how to buy a good gaming PC — you probably can’t go too far wrong buying something cheap from Dell, as long as it has a good graphics card (or ‘video card’). The other exception is if you want to play a ‘PC exclusive’ title — luckily almost everything makes it to consoles nowadays (some things don’t make it to the PC however — be sure to check at a local games store if a specific game will be released for a particular format!). The Sims and Spore are the only two games which are probably best played on a PC (even if they are playable on the console, or will be soon). Some ‘mature’ games are only available on the Xbox and PlayStation also, like Grand Theft Auto or Metal Gear Solid.

In general, each console, or the PC, specialises in a certain ‘genre’ of game:

• Wii — Wii games tend to be almost entirely ‘family friendly’. You can find some mature titles on the Wii, but in general they will be cartoony and easy-going. You will find more ‘quirky’ games on the Wii than the other consoles too. Don’t expect graphical wonders from a Wii; expect top-notch exclusive franchises that are polished until they shine.
• Xbox — The Xbox is a great ‘middleground’ console. You will find a wide variety of games, and some ‘exclusives’ that only come to the Xbox. Xboxes are slightly more ‘clunky’ than a Wii, and their controllers are more complex. You will find more mature titles on the Xbox, like Grand Theft Auto.
• PlayStation — The current iteration, the PS3, is supposedly the technological master of the current generation of consoles. PS3 games will be beautiful, and sound fantastic. Unfortunately the library of games is smaller than the Xbox, and it lacks ease-of-use and quirkiness of the Wii. The only real reason to buy a PS3 would be for an exclusive title like Little Big Planet. Being the most expensive console of the lot, that’d be a very costly investment indeed.
• PC — The jack of all trades! If you really can’t decide, or if you already have access to one, a PC is a fine choice for beginner gamers too! It might be a little more complex to actually start gaming though — you have to install things, and make sure your computer meets the required specifications. The PC is a good choice if you want to play real-time strategy (RTS) or first-person shooter (FPS) games. Using a mouse and keyboard are the only real choice for these two genres. The other rather big bonus to PC gaming is that almost every ‘exclusive’ title finally ends up on the PC, within a year or two.

At the end of the day, you will be able to find plenty of games for both the PC and console market. If you already have access to a console, or a PC, just use it! The plan here is to get you into gaming, not to make you spend a fortune!

Choosing a game

By choosing a platform — Wii, Xbox, PlayStation or PC — you have partially defined what kind of games you’ll be playing. Ultimately, almost every game is released for every console, so you don’t need to worry about a lack of games. But what game should you start with?

I’m going to assume, if you’re a console gamer, that you’ve decided to play on a Nintendo Wii. The Xbox and PlayStation are both great consoles, but they’re twice the price of the Wii and don’t really have features that warrant their extra expense — especially for a newbie gamer like you!

The Wii specialises in two areas: its exclusive franchises, and quirky gameplay. The Wii is the console you have seen on countless TV shows, with people ducking and diving, and swinging their Wiimotes. It’s also the console with WiiFit (boys will want to click this link). But most importantly, it has Super Mario Galaxy. I’m not going to write a flowery review of the greatest console game ever made (Metacritic has already done that for me) but let’s just say that Nintendo have outdone themselves, again. This latest installment in the most popular console franchise of all time is easily playable by gamers of every skill level, and immensely enjoyable for everyone. It’s almost unputdownable – the one trait that almost every game is aiming for. I honestly didn’t stop grinning while playing through the entire game; it really is such a joy! If you’re new to gaming, get a Wii and Super Mario Galaxy. I can almost guarantee you won’t be disappointed.

What if you don’t want to play platform games? Perhaps you want to shoot people, or build bases and control massive armies? Or maybe you want to interact with thousands of other people in an online game, where the socialising is more important than the game itself? If that’s the case, you’ve probably bought a PC. What game should you start with?

If you’re a social gamer it should come as no surprise that I’m going to recommend World of Warcraft. 12 million people play this game world-wide, from every culture and social background. If you want to get to know people from other countries, hang out with other gamers/geeks AND play a very good adventure/fantasy game at the same time, WoW is the game to play. It’s very easy to pick up, and even quite easy to master. WoW is mostly about having fun and playing in a beautiful world that’s been lovingly crafted by its developers. There are lots of online resources to help you if you get stuck too!

If you’re more into frenetic action and running around, killing and ‘owning’ other players you want a shooter game. Most of these games excel on a multiplayer level, but a few have excellent story modes too.  The game I’m going to recommend is Half Life 2, the successor to what some consider the best first-person shooter (FPS) game ever made. Half Life 2 has a compelling story and a gentle difficulty curve. By the end of HL2 you should be ready for a more challenging FPS, or multiplayer mode!

I’ve skipped real-time strategy games, as they’re really not for beginners — sorry!

So… what now?

You have your console or PC, and one of the 3 best games ever made — what now? It’s time to PLAY! If you’ve picked the Wii, you can just slide that Mario disc in, sit back down on your sofa and enjoy one of the finest gaming experiences ever made. If you chose a PC game, you’ll have to do some installing (WoW is a complete pig to setup and install, which is a shame!)

And then… you need to play. You need to play for a few hours! You need to sit down, focus, and try to become immersed. An awful lot of pleasure in gaming comes from the escapism involved; you can lose yourself in a magical world, or become a mighty general throwing around his vast, sci-fi forces. You can slay mighty dragons, or play a silent, stealthy assassin saving the world from an oppressive tyrant. Unlike passive entertainment, games are interactive. The more you put in, the more you can get out. Don’t give up quickly — give the game a chance to tell its story and let its defining features shine.

Most of all, don’t be ashamed or hesitant to play for 2, 3, 4 hours or more. Imagine how many hours you’ve spent watching TV or movies! Everyone’s doing it; why not come join us?

As always, if you have a question about getting started with gaming, or you didn’t understand a part of the article, just leave a comment, or contact me directly.

I think I’ve finally fixed them (damn, it’s quite complex managing 3 or 4 RSS streams from one blog!), but you might have a TOTALLY INTERESTING article on World of Warcraft waiting to be read in your RSS reader. Feel free to disregard… or read it, it might be enlightening, you never know!

If it turns out you ARE interested, or you’re a World of Warcraft player, I’ve written two articles recently that you might like: Who plays in a raiding guild? (as opposed to a hardcore raiding guild) and The structure and members of a successful guild.

Now, by the smell of it, it’s time to chow down on some fajitas. Yummy. Oh, and go enter my competition. Free pretty picture! Be the envy of all your online friends!

Aw heck, have the new Cyanide & Happiness comic too:

… happy Saturday!

I’m taking a quick break from my tirade against religion to talk about a topic quite close to my heart, and probably quite interesting to girls too:

How do you get, and keep, a geeky guy?

Now, if you’ve read my previous articles on dorkiness, geekiness and nerdiness, the main thing that seperates us from ‘normal men’ is that we have a very strong interest in one or more subjects. Geeks are passionate, dorks are very passionate, and nerds are so passionate that nothing else matters.

This will focus on getting, dating and securing geeks and dorks; nerds are outside the scope of this article (and often the scope of real life…)

So, you want to land yourself a geek? Isn’t that easy? They’re all sex-mad, unloved dweebs…

The common misconception is that geeky guys are easy; they don’t have high expectations, so you can treat them badly, or generally mistreat them — they’ll still hang around like a bruised, loyal puppy.

This is false!

The first thing to keep in mind is that geeks are intelligent. Perhaps their intelligence is applied in a strange way (they might know the entire cast, including extras, of a given episode of Star Trek), but they are generally quite smart. In all likelihood, if you mistreat a geek, he will simply lose interest in you and go back to perfecting his skills in World of Warcraft. You need to be smart, and treat a geek with respect! A geek won’t be interested in a girl that just wants him for his penis…! Remember that geeky guys aren’t laden down with the masculine insecurities like other men. We love the idea of a strong, successful woman. A wilting wallflower of a girl with nary an opinion of anything is not much of a turn-on — quite the opposite, as we tend to have very strong opinions ourselves!

Which leads me onto the next point:

You need to be a good listener

Geeks, in general, don’t get out a lot. When asked who they consider their friends to be it’s not unlikely that the list will include an ‘AcidBurn’ or ‘AssassinDude’. There’s a reason that many geeks step-over into the nerdishness — there’s no one to hold their hand; no one to hold them back and say ‘No, stay with us in the realm of the living.’ What a geek most wants is someone to talk to, someone to vent their (sometimes very esoteric) peevishness at. Geeks might find very quaint things irritating or distracting — it’s your job to listen, and nod, and smile as a geek regales you of his daily woes.

When you rouse a geek from his prone position behind his keyboard, try to listen to his trials and tribulations for 10 minutes or so. He doesn’t expect you to offer any solutions; just listen. It’s nice to have someone that wants to listen… (I need to get a girlfriend!)

If you have the balls, and the intellect to interject– and perhaps even offer a a good counter-view — we’ll probably just fall in love with you on the spot.

Be direct, and assertive

This is probably the most important tip for getting a geeky boyfriend.

The problem with being a geek (or dork, or nerd) is that our ability to read your body language or flirtacious signals is bad. Being stuck in our bedrooms, or basements, or comic book shops, we don’t eperience a lot of human interaction. It’s not that we’re ignoring your advances — we don’t know you’re advancing! Geeks are not good at ambiguity — you need to be direct, certain or even… dominant. Winking and gently flirting is very unlikely to score you a geek; just grab him and make out, it’s easier. It’ll also awaken that long-lost demon within, that rampant beast that might’ve lain dormant for many years… of course I am talking about:

The sex drive

It is your job, as the woman, to remind the geek that sex is available. In fact, it’s your job to remind him of things like: showering, eating and getting out of the house occasionally. Don’t hesitate to wrap your arms around us, from behind, and urge us to leave the computer for a bit of fornication. It might appear that we’re not interested in sex, but the fact is we’re just concentrating on other things… like Battlestar Galactica. Once lured away from our computers we will quickly rediscover our libido,  and it’s said that geeks make the best lovers too, so please… remind us to have sex at least occasionally. Thanks!

But don’t stifle our geekiness!

While being dragged away from our Dungeons & Dragons books makes for a nice, occasional respite, don’t go over the top! Don’t spend your days reminding us that you want more attention, or that we should get away from our computers more. You have to remember that while a geek might love you, he probably loves his hobbies just as much — and his hobbies have the advantage that they are often inanimate objects that don’t whine a lot…

Basically, geeks are incredibly low maintenance. Obviously, if you need something in particular from a geek, don’t hesitate to ask. If you haven’t had sex in a week, tell him! If you need a shoulder to cry on, let him know.

Just please, for the love of God, don’t try the ‘it’s time to choose: me, or your computer’ line. Believe me, you’re not going to win that one.

After last week’s entry on ‘how to get, and keep, a geeky guy‘, an important question popped up in a comment: Why would I want a geek?!

Now, being a thoroughbred geek myself, I figured it was in my own best interest to tell you why you should get yourself a brand new and shiny geek boyfriend. Of course, I can’t marry more than one girl at a time (unless I move to Utah and become a Mormon), so what I’m really doing here is bigging up ALL of my geeky brethren and sistren (which is phrase used almost exclusively by feminist writers, incidentally — and now me).

This post, unlike the previous one, is about geeks of ALL varieties — boys and girls, computery or otherwise. If you’re not sure what a geek is (or a dork, or — ew — a nerd), I define them in another post. In essence though, a geek is someone that is more interested in the world than themselves.

With that out of the way, this is why geeks make the best boyfriends, girlfriends and — believe it or not — lovers too. It’s a bitter pill to swallow. It goes against everything that your ‘cool’ friends and the media has told you, but it’s true. Read on, and I’ll prove it.

Why geeks make great partners

I will start with the one trait above all others that makes geeks great partners: they are more interested in you than themself. Geeks are inherently less interested in their own wellbeing (normally so much so that they forget to eat, or shower), and far more interested in other things — like pleasing you, or making a realistic lightsaber. While a macho man, or a socialite woman might be more interested in how you affect their appearance, a geek is just happy to have a partner. They don’t care how you look, or even how you look together — they are happy just being together.

A hugely beneficial side-effect of course is that they are also unlikely to ‘go out on the pull’. In fact, they don’t even like leaving their house (or wherever they hang out when they are ‘geeking’). Geeks don’t tend to like large, noisy, social gatheringss… except for conventions of course! Talking of conventions, you’re happy to twist your hair into two Danish pastries and doll yourself up to look like Princess Leia, right? Rachel did it for Ross (who is every geek’s hero…) In general though, a geek is happy with what they’ve got — and they’ve got you.

We’re creative, and funny too!

Being interested in how things work, and less interested in people, puts geeks in a unique position. Geeks are often not entirely clued up on what’s socially acceptable, by virtue of not being very ‘out there’, and as a result our humour can be… a little off-beat. Sarcastic sometimes, and scathing, or even a little racist — but funny! It’s not unusual for a geek to listen to Billy Connolly, Bill Hicks or other angry comedians while they work; comedy that nodoubt rubs off on them. It’s this ‘outside the box’ mentality that makes us creative too! It’s not unheard of for a geek to spend days and days to get something just so — and that something might be a romantic surprise for you; or it could be a pulley system that feeds the cat from his computer chair. Geeks are most likely to create a special, romantic photo screensaver for you, or track down a stuffed toy from your favourite cartoon as a child. Geeks rarely take the easy way out if there’s an interesting solution to the task.

Geeks are romantic

Romance is all about being creative and creating a lovely relationship. The moment that you stop creating that relationship, it tumbles away — and a geek knows that all too well! A geek is probably quite aware that you’re not with them for their good looks, or their firm body. As a result, they tend to be very romantic, and very, very sappy. Now, our idea of romance might be different from yours, but that’s not a bad thing! A geek might make you a pretty, pink website declaring to the world their undying love for you; is that really worse than a bunch of flowers that’ll die in a few days? You can always expect weird and wacky tokens of affection from a geek lover.

We might still buy you chocolates however; but that’s OK, you don’t mind sharing, right?

Geeks are intelligent!

If you’re one of the few people that find intelligence unattractive, what’re you doing reading this blog? Shoo! Most people admire, and find security in intelligence. As I just mentioned, keeping things fresh is vital for a relationship, and intelligence can help a lot with that! An intelligent partner can broaden your horizons; a geek can introduce you to ideas, TV shows or places that you’ve never seen or heard of.

Geeks are also great at helping you sort out problems, either mental or physical. Being not wholly ‘of this world’, geeks can often apply quite objective logic to a problem that you might be struggling to analyse rationally. Geeks are also good at sorting out your technical problems! In fact, fixing a girl’s computer is by far the most common (and best!)  ‘intro’ that a geek guy has to meeting a possible girlfriend. The number of computers I fixed at university…

Don’t forget,  geeks are the reason cures for diseases have been found, and the reason you have a television to watch; and video games to play! Slowly but surely, geeks are inventing a world that enables everyone to have more fun, or to live a better standard of living! Eventually, the world will be at a stage where we can emerge from the safety of our bedroom cocoons, spread our wings and become fluttering, social butterflies. The kings of a world we’ve crafted.

But until then… let me tell you more good things about geeks!

We’re loyal and low-maintenance

As I touched on in the previous article, geeks are shockingly easy to get along with. We don’t require hand-holding, nor acts of affection to bolster our egos. We will always take your love at face value! To be honest, we are too busy trying to hack some kind of program together, and finish our costume for the Super Hero Convention to worry about if you really love us or not. It’s that same kind of plain, easy-going self-assurance that makes us incredibly loyal. We know we’re onto a good thing, so why ruin it? It’s not like we go out a lot anyway, so we’re unlikely to bump into possible competition… so don’t worry! Focus on making your relationship fun and love-filled — don’t spend time worrying about our fidelity or love for you!

Now what you’ve all been waiting for — why geeks make the best lovers

Except for possibly Casanova, you probably won’t find a better lover than a geek. We’re affectionate, responsive and creative. Remember what I said earlier? Geeks are intelligent and inquisitive; we like poking around until we work out what makes something tick. Then, we like to fiddle around and work out how we can make it tick louder and faster. Later, after the prodding, we sit and cogitate; we analyse. How can we make things even better? How can we keep it ticking healthily for years to come? Maybe if I do it like this? Or perhaps change the angle a bit?

You probably guessed that I was giving you a euphemistic description of a geek in the sack. In fact, I just gave you a breakdown of what goes through my mind when I’m having sex. Sex is, in fact, just like taking a computer apart, wondering what each part does, and then putting it back together again in the hope that it still works — or even works a bit better!

I’m just kidding. Sex is nothing like taking a computer apart. Watching porn is a little closer, but…

Anyway, breaking down my euphemism, you get these two glorious facts about geeks, when they get it on:

• Geeks try hard. Geeks know that they are probably not some kind of Adonis/Venus in the body department. They therefore know that they have to make the most of what they’ve got; think of the stories you’ve heard about fat girls being great in bed — it’s the same thing with geeks. Unfortunately, that’s not where the similarities end — our fitness level is also not that great… but that’ll improve with more sex!
• We’re caring. We come last. Your pleasure is more important than ours. Due to our often marginal amounts of self-esteem we’re almost entirely focused on making sure you have a good time. That creative mind also gets a good work-out when we’re not having sex; we’re trying to think of new and exciting things to try in the bedroom (or elsewhere) later on! Sex with a geek is rarely boring.

Finally, if you’re happy with your geek, remember: there are lots more available!

And you can give them to your friends! Geeks are still, sadly, a relatively un-tapped resource. I expect that to change rather rapidly when awareness grows of just how awesome geeks are. But until then, if you’re happy with your geek, why not set one of your friends up with another geek? Geeks don’t go out a lot; think about it! Invite a friend around to watch a film and get your geek to do the same! Not only will your friend be happy, but the new, loved-up geek will be appreciative. You’ve just scored yourself a second geek to help you if something needs fixing!

Thinking about it, someone needs to run a geek/non-geek match-up service…

All that remains to be said is how to find a geek. I’m working on that one, but it turns out it’s quite hard to nail down the best place to find geeks… So hard in fact that all I have so far is ‘their bedroom’. I also want to do a piece on ‘how to get that geeky girl’; a relatively new and wondrful breed of girl, and swelling in numbers quickly! I need a little more experience in that department myself though, so I need to talk to some geeky girls first!

I’ve talked about music before — musicals, really — but what I haven’t told you is that I, like most grown men, have dirty, dark secrets hidden away in my music collection.

Secreted away, in places that even a competent government agency would struggle to find, I have music by artists such as William Shatner, Meatloaf and even, though I hesitate to admit this, Dashboard Confessional (that folder is hidden and encrypted, for obvious reasons…)

If that wasn’t dank and disturbing enough, you could dig even deeper. Delving further, you would find another directory; a directory with just a single file in it. The file is ominously titled ‘Unimportant-Dont-Click-Me-Please.mp3′. If you’d found this file, and saw through my epic ruse, you’d be be greeted with this:

Yes, I love Beyonce’s ‘If I were a boy’. Don’t ask me why… I just do! I don’t really want to discuss it, so I’ll just move on to the actual point of this entry — I’ve re-written the lyric to ‘If I were a boy’. A cute little American songwriter, upon reading the re-worked lyric blurted out that: ‘You have talent, Seb!’

I’m not too sure about that, but if you even laugh once, I’ll consider it time well spent. As the lyric is, er, geeky, I’ve hyperlinked some of the more esoteric terms, so you an understand it fully!

Press play and try to sing along… it fits… just about!

If I were a geek — sung by Beyonce Knowles, written by Tony Gad & BC Jean

If I were a geek even just for a day
I’d roll out of bed in the evening
And throw on a black t-shirt
And go ‘round  Sheldon’s with dice

And chase after elves
I’d roll dice as much as I wanted
And I’d never get a girlfriend but it
Doesn’t matter ‘cause neither does he

If I were a geek
I think I could understand
How it feels to love myself
I swear I’d be a better nerd

I’d listen to my GM
‘Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the ‘toon you levelled
‘Cause a hacker got your password
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a geek
I would turn on my iPhone
Tell everyone it’s awesome
‘ Cause I can watch porn when I’m alone

I’d swing my sword first
And read the rules as I go
‘Cause really, no one questions
A geek with a sword, and lightning bolts, lightning bolt!

If I were a geek
I think I could understand
How it feels to love myself
I swear I’d be a better nerd

I’d listen to my GM
‘Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the ‘toon you levelled
‘Cause a hacker got your password
And everything you had got destroyed

It’s never too late for you to go back
Say it’s just a mistake
You should take it right back
If you thought Hilton hotter than Leia
You thought wrong

But you’re just a geek
You don’t understand
(And put the Gaiman book down, oh)
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you went out more

You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the ‘toon you levelled
‘Cause you took the chinaman for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you’re just a geek

***

I am currently in talks with a talented singer to perform the song with my new lyric… I will of course post it, when she does so!

Recently, my geekiness was called into question: ‘You’re not very geeky, Sebastian. All you talk about is sex. Sex, sex, sex. That’s hardly wholesome geeky talk. How about some Star Wars talk, or a list of all the comics you own?’

Let me tell you something, Little Miss I’m-a-bigger-geek-than-you : I AM A HUGE GEEK, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

The thing is, like my sexuality, I am so confident in my geekiness that I don’t feel the need to constantly reassure myself, and you lot, that I’m a geek. So, please excuse me if I don’t always talk about a fantastic new range of marbled dice or if the digital Yoda was better than the original wobbly-eared bogey-coloured rubber model.

However…

This weekend I will be attending a LAN party.

A LAN party, for those of you that don’t know — for those of you not geeky enough – is a ‘gaming festival’. It can be small — just 5 or 10 people — or it can be huge. By huge, I mean thousands of people.

Click it for a larger version. Really, click it. It even amazes me.

DreamHack, the largest LAN party in the world, has over 11,000 (eleven thousand) paying attendees. That’s 11,000  people transporting their computers from all over Sweden and Europe. The one I attend, the i-series, ‘only’ has around 2000 attendees — but really, it’s not like you walk around and shake hands with everyone there. The point is: when you stand up — you know, to check if your legs still work — all you can see is computer screens. And towers of consumed energy drink cans. And pizza boxes.

If you were to take a walk around a LAN to check out what the latest ‘case mod‘ fashions are, or what the other gaming areas are like, the first thing you’d notice is just how well everyone gets along. There’s a constant roar of chatter, and regular outbursts of shouting and roaring when a team wins a tournament match. The overall feeling is very much one of friendship and camaraderie. Geeks, ultimately, are still social outcasts. LAN parties are the only place where geeks can be themselves. The ‘cool’ facade drops. Let it all hang out — literally, in some cases.

We geeks are beginning to emerge, but it’s happening slowly. The massive success of video games in the last few years has certainly helped — it is becoming more and more common to hear discussion of video games (like WoW, or COD4) out in the ‘real world’. It’s still mainly in the 19-35 male segment, but girls are catching up!

Until LAN parties become the social norm — and we still have a few years left, trust me — the antithesis, the polar opposite, of LAN partying is clubbing.

I’ve clubbed. At university I clubbed and pubbed. I did the social thing, often 6 nights a week for 3 years. I get it and I understand why people enjoy it; why people enjoy drinking, and dancing, and losing their mind. What I don’t get is why people would club when given an alternative, like a LAN party, or simply going around to a friend’s house.

I’m going to list the pros and cons of each, so I can prove why LAN parties are so much cooler than the alternative:

Clubbing Pros:

• If you’re ugly, you can probably get laid, with enough alcohol (in you, and the unfortunate recipient)
• You can forget about all your troubles and woes — like Cheers, only with worse music — if you drink enough
• The endorphins (the euphoria) from dancing are actually quite good for you!
• A silent disco has a lot going for it but they’re not very popular… yet!

Clubbing Cons:

• If you’re female, you’ll probably get hit on by ugly guys that think they can get into your pants if they ply you with enough cheap alcohol (and date rape is no laughing matter!)
• You’ll get tinnitus, like me, which is permanent. Enjoy the ringing in your ears as you try to sleep. I hope you didn’t like listening to the quiet bits in songs.  Can you tell that I’m bitter?
• I hear the liver transplant waiting list is quite long
• You can’t hear ANYTHING in a damn club. Communication, other than the ‘point at the body part you want licked’ variety (which can be quite fun), is rendered completely impossible
• Often, you have to listen to really shit music (though it does vary)

LAN Party Pros

• You can hear yourself think — perhaps some clubbers don’t like having to hear their own thoughts? Or they don’t have thoughts… Empty, hollow shells…
• Interactive fun! Video games are healthy for the brain.
• Communicative (not, like, diseases) and team-building! Most of the games played at LAN parties are multiplayer games involving a lot of teamwork (read: shouting)
• You can make money doing it! Pro gamers can take home thousands of pounds/dollars. Eventually they’ll take home the girl too! When there is a girl to take…
• Headphones are required! You can even listen to your own music while you game! And then you can take them off to talk to people! How damn futuristic is that?

LAN Party Cons

• Your gear can get stolen (though it’s rare, and security is generally quite good at larger LANs)
• Sleep deprivation is rife (not quite as bad as liver failure though, is it?)

Wow, that’s a very short list of cons, isn’t it? That’s because LAN Parties are awesome. Clubbing only really has one thing going for it (the euphoria), something you could easily get elsewhere — on a roller coaster, or something!

From Thursday through Monday I’ll be at a LAN party. Admittedly, that’s less of a weekend and more of a ‘half week’, but a weekend sounds a little less geeky. Four of us will be going, and we’ll be sleeping in a 3-man tent. One or two of them actually read my blog, and I’m told they are slightly alarmed by my coming out. Wusses.

Ideally, we’d take some girls with us, but guess what — and this will come as a shock — LAN parties are about 95% male. It was about 99% a few years ago, with that 1% being ‘possibly female’ (it’s amazing how hard it is to differentiate between male and female geeks after a few weeks of growth and stagnation — even facial hair isn’t as much of a clue as it should be). Nowadays there are a few girls dotted around — proper ones, without beards — though they tend to be the token girlfriends of geek boys. There is the occasional bona fide geek girl, but they are rare. And coveted. I hope to get myself one, one day.

Geek girls, go to a LAN party! Don’t be afraid! Geek boys don’t bite — they just kinda… grab… when you least expect it. But don’t let that deter you! Even if you’re an anime girl (that’s only one step away from being a furry), you’d fit in at a LAN. LAN parties are like a modern-day Bohemian dream where everyone, no matter how weird and different from the societal norms can hang out and have fun!

I have a dream. One day soon the phrase ‘Hey, wanna go out clubbing?’ will become outmoded, replaced by ‘Hey, come over my place! We’ll crack open a few beers and play some Grand Theft Auto or World of Warcraft‘. It will be a better world; a world with less alcoholism and debauchery. Imagine, if everyone knew what it felt like to play on a Nintendo and grin like a kid, giddy with the magic of it all — wouldn’t that be a much more fun world to live in?

Sell your dancing shoes. Buy a console (and read my beginner’s guide to gaming!)