Recently, my geekiness was called into question: ‘You’re not very geeky, Sebastian. All you talk about is sex. Sex, sex, sex. That’s hardly wholesome geeky talk. How about some Star Wars talk, or a list of all the comics you own?’

Let me tell you something, Little Miss I’m-a-bigger-geek-than-you : I AM A HUGE GEEK, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

The thing is, like my sexuality, I am so confident in my geekiness that I don’t feel the need to constantly reassure myself, and you lot, that I’m a geek. So, please excuse me if I don’t always talk about a fantastic new range of marbled dice or if the digital Yoda was better than the original wobbly-eared bogey-coloured rubber model.

However…

This weekend I will be attending a LAN party.

A LAN party, for those of you that don’t know — for those of you not geeky enough – is a ‘gaming festival’. It can be small — just 5 or 10 people — or it can be huge. By huge, I mean thousands of people.

Click it for a larger version. Really, click it. It even amazes me.

DreamHack, the largest LAN party in the world, has over 11,000 (eleven thousand) paying attendees. That’s 11,000  people transporting their computers from all over Sweden and Europe. The one I attend, the i-series, ‘only’ has around 2000 attendees — but really, it’s not like you walk around and shake hands with everyone there. The point is: when you stand up — you know, to check if your legs still work — all you can see is computer screens. And towers of consumed energy drink cans. And pizza boxes.

If you were to take a walk around a LAN to check out what the latest ‘case mod‘ fashions are, or what the other gaming areas are like, the first thing you’d notice is just how well everyone gets along. There’s a constant roar of chatter, and regular outbursts of shouting and roaring when a team wins a tournament match. The overall feeling is very much one of friendship and camaraderie. Geeks, ultimately, are still social outcasts. LAN parties are the only place where geeks can be themselves. The ‘cool’ facade drops. Let it all hang out — literally, in some cases.

We geeks are beginning to emerge, but it’s happening slowly. The massive success of video games in the last few years has certainly helped — it is becoming more and more common to hear discussion of video games (like WoW, or COD4) out in the ‘real world’. It’s still mainly in the 19-35 male segment, but girls are catching up!

Until LAN parties become the social norm — and we still have a few years left, trust me — the antithesis, the polar opposite, of LAN partying is clubbing.

I’ve clubbed. At university I clubbed and pubbed. I did the social thing, often 6 nights a week for 3 years. I get it and I understand why people enjoy it; why people enjoy drinking, and dancing, and losing their mind. What I don’t get is why people would club when given an alternative, like a LAN party, or simply going around to a friend’s house.

I’m going to list the pros and cons of each, so I can prove why LAN parties are so much cooler than the alternative:

Clubbing Pros:

• If you’re ugly, you can probably get laid, with enough alcohol (in you, and the unfortunate recipient)
• You can forget about all your troubles and woes — like Cheers, only with worse music — if you drink enough
• The endorphins (the euphoria) from dancing are actually quite good for you!
• A silent disco has a lot going for it but they’re not very popular… yet!

Clubbing Cons:

• If you’re female, you’ll probably get hit on by ugly guys that think they can get into your pants if they ply you with enough cheap alcohol (and date rape is no laughing matter!)
• You’ll get tinnitus, like me, which is permanent. Enjoy the ringing in your ears as you try to sleep. I hope you didn’t like listening to the quiet bits in songs.  Can you tell that I’m bitter?
• I hear the liver transplant waiting list is quite long
• You can’t hear ANYTHING in a damn club. Communication, other than the ‘point at the body part you want licked’ variety (which can be quite fun), is rendered completely impossible
• Often, you have to listen to really shit music (though it does vary)

LAN Party Pros

• You can hear yourself think — perhaps some clubbers don’t like having to hear their own thoughts? Or they don’t have thoughts… Empty, hollow shells…
• Interactive fun! Video games are healthy for the brain.
• Communicative (not, like, diseases) and team-building! Most of the games played at LAN parties are multiplayer games involving a lot of teamwork (read: shouting)
• You can make money doing it! Pro gamers can take home thousands of pounds/dollars. Eventually they’ll take home the girl too! When there is a girl to take…
• Headphones are required! You can even listen to your own music while you game! And then you can take them off to talk to people! How damn futuristic is that?

LAN Party Cons

• Your gear can get stolen (though it’s rare, and security is generally quite good at larger LANs)
• Sleep deprivation is rife (not quite as bad as liver failure though, is it?)

Wow, that’s a very short list of cons, isn’t it? That’s because LAN Parties are awesome. Clubbing only really has one thing going for it (the euphoria), something you could easily get elsewhere — on a roller coaster, or something!

From Thursday through Monday I’ll be at a LAN party. Admittedly, that’s less of a weekend and more of a ‘half week’, but a weekend sounds a little less geeky. Four of us will be going, and we’ll be sleeping in a 3-man tent. One or two of them actually read my blog, and I’m told they are slightly alarmed by my coming out. Wusses.

Ideally, we’d take some girls with us, but guess what — and this will come as a shock — LAN parties are about 95% male. It was about 99% a few years ago, with that 1% being ‘possibly female’ (it’s amazing how hard it is to differentiate between male and female geeks after a few weeks of growth and stagnation — even facial hair isn’t as much of a clue as it should be). Nowadays there are a few girls dotted around — proper ones, without beards — though they tend to be the token girlfriends of geek boys. There is the occasional bona fide geek girl, but they are rare. And coveted. I hope to get myself one, one day.

Geek girls, go to a LAN party! Don’t be afraid! Geek boys don’t bite — they just kinda… grab… when you least expect it. But don’t let that deter you! Even if you’re an anime girl (that’s only one step away from being a furry), you’d fit in at a LAN. LAN parties are like a modern-day Bohemian dream where everyone, no matter how weird and different from the societal norms can hang out and have fun!

I have a dream. One day soon the phrase ‘Hey, wanna go out clubbing?’ will become outmoded, replaced by ‘Hey, come over my place! We’ll crack open a few beers and play some Grand Theft Auto or World of Warcraft‘. It will be a better world; a world with less alcoholism and debauchery. Imagine, if everyone knew what it felt like to play on a Nintendo and grin like a kid, giddy with the magic of it all — wouldn’t that be a much more fun world to live in?

Sell your dancing shoes. Buy a console (and read my beginner’s guide to gaming!)

I’ve been trying to think of ways I can keep my blog updated this weekend without having to sit down and write 1000 deep, insightful, thought-inspiring words each evening.

You see, after 2 or 3 days of sitting in a darkened aircraft hangar, surrounded by thousands of computers, your cognitive abilities can slide a little. I need something that is still interesting,but not requiring much thought or effort.

What I’m going to do is: chronicle this weekend’s LAN party, from the perspective of my cousin’s slowly-dwindling sanity. I probably should ask him before I do this, but I think it’ll be more fun if I show him afterward; perhaps he’ll finally realise what he’s like after 3 days of sleep deprivation. 3 days of Haribo being the only source of protein and vitamins.

This is what he looks like now, before the LAN (well, OK, he’s not as pretty now, but… close enough):

The next time you see him, he won’t be quite so cute, I assure you. This is going to read like the journal of Dr Jekyll… Muhahaha.

(This is an accurate report detailing the mental faculties, observed behaviour of my cousin as he experiences the rigours of a 4-day LAN party. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s report… day 2 is when things usually start to get… interesting)

Just a small introduction to the doctor that’s performing this strict, empirical analysis on his cousin through the 4 days of LAN party.

I’d write more, but I need to play in a tournament… Meanwhile, enjoy my… anime hair… I knew that late-night shower was a bad idea.

The day 2 report is coming soon… ish!

(This is the continuing report of my cousin’s LAN party experience. It is now day 2, and things have started to… slide. This report has been recorded as accurately as humanly possible, though some ’seepage’ is inevitable. This report is being kept in the hope of one day better understanding the ‘LAN Party Phenomena’ — I hope to draw up some suitable conclusions after the LAN… but 2 days still remain… will my cousin — or I – make it?)

(This is Seb’s friend, Daniel, writing this introduction. ‘Dr Sebbykinspoopoo’, as he insists on being called now, has seemingly… left the building. I took the liberty of posting his report — it seems complete, but being just a mere gamer, and not medically trained, it might not be accurate. I hope Seb will be better tomorrow, to finish his report… I will let you know.)

(I submit this report to you, loyal reader, while I am still at the LAN. I may yet not make it back home — 2 a hour drive separates me from my usual abode. A 2 hour drive in a car full of dribbling and slavering sleep-deprived goons. Hopefully, service will continue as normal tomorrow!)

These are my legs, Jesus sandals and shorts.
Sorry for opening with such a picture, it’s unforgivable. But all will become clear as you read on…

Being a man, body hair, schlong and all, there are some things that do not come naturally. Remembering anniversaries. Washing my hands after using the bathroom. And organisation, planning. Lists, I hate lists. I might come across as a deliberate, slightly-gay, well-measured guy that organises his books and DVDs alphabetically, and makes sure everything is just so, but I assure you that isn’t the case. There are a few things that I’m good at: photography for one, I’m perfectionist in that regard. Video games? I’m down-right pro at video games. Rational thought too: if you want someone to make the right choice at the right moment, I’m your man.

But these are living-in-the-moment affairs. It’s the long, over-arching planning that I suck at. If the devil is in the details, I’m Jesus. I don’t keep a diary or even a wall calendar marked with important dates. The only birthdays I usually remember are my parents’. When someone asks me if I’m available next weekend I shrug non-committally, say ’sure!’ and pray no one else has requested my presence elsewhere (I don’t have many friends so I’m usually safe in this department…) In short, I’m a man and I require a good woman to do my thinking and planning for me. Currently this is a role fulfilled by my mother, but I’m sure there’ll be a lucky wife eventually…

[If you can't deal with vivid 'male bits' imagery, the next bit is probably not for you. If you do like stories of this kind, go check out Lilu's blog!]

Anyway, to cut to the chase: I’m the kind of guy that packs his bags only a few hours before he leaves. And I always forget something. I’m fairly experienced at the whole bag-packing thing so I rarely forget anything important — I’ve only forgotten my mobile phone charger once and I’ve never left my passport at home! — but on more than one occasion I have forgotten to pack… underwear. That’s right, I spent 12 days in Turkey, in 40-degree (104F) heat with just a single pair of boxer shorts. (Don’t worry, I had two pairs of socks, my hygiene wasn’t that bad…)

I’m going to use the same picture so you can look at them again but with this new information in mind!

(See those crinkles? They are well worn. They say ‘kiss’ all over them, if you can’t make it out. And those are red lips printed on.)

You’ve probably heard about the ‘back to front’ and ‘inside out’ techniques of odor-mitigation and boxer freshness longevity (or more simply ‘the underpant inversion method’ as I like to call it). You’ve probably seen it joked about in films like American Pie or Van Wilder. You probably laughed and said ‘Eww! Gross! No Way!’

What you didn’t know is that men actually do it.

I know, it’s too disgusting to contemplate, but men actually wear the same underwear for days or even weeks at a time! With creative folding, those sprays that people use to remove the lingering smell of cigarette smoke and a radiator or hair dryer, a man can stretch out one pair of boxers an awfully long time.

In my case, on no less than three different holidays, I’ve taken only one pair of boxer shorts.

I wore them while clambering over the ancient ruins of Thermessos in Turkey. It’s safe to say I perspired rather heavily in the process. Six days later I was still wearing them when I went for a hot-air balloon ride with five other people — they kept throwing odd glances in my direction (which is not unusual) but instead of staring as they usually do, they grimaced and pinched the bridge of their nose, a look of revulsion spreading across their face.

Then in Prague, through 3 days of drunken debauchery and sweaty hiking around the city, I wore the very same boxers. I had washed them since Turkey though.

Finally, during a 4-day LAN Party, I forgot to bring spare underwear. Four days of sitting on my ass, four days of no showers. In the middle of summer and surrounded by 1000 other gamers and computers.

I had to use rubbing alcohol and a chisel to prise them from my skanky, geeky legs. I even had to get my mother to come and help. What can I say, we’re close.

I did mention something about highlighting old-and-neat blog posts, right? And then I stopped doing it. I blame video games. Delicious, winter-release video games. If you’ve ever played a roleplaying game of any kind — Dungeons and Dragons, Vampire: The Masquerade, Baldur’s Gate on the PC… you need to now play Dragon Age: Origins. Don’t ask questions on this one — it’s good. It’s probably the best (and last) single-player RPG of its kind, and it’s been a long time coming. It’s available for PC and consoles.

And with that geek-squeal out of the way (really, it’s that good) — this week’s Golden Oldie is…

Why LAN parties are awesome and clubbing is crap

If you don’t know what a LAN party is, it’s defined in there. Why am I choosing that story in particular? Because next Friday I’m off to another LAN — and if you want to see my report/experiment from the previous LAN party, start with this blog entry, where I introduce Dr Sebastian House…

More pretty, autumnal photos to follow — either over the weekend, or on Tuesday.

No, not some weak homoerotic phrasing there.

I literally mean… we’re meant to be camping, outside, at the mercy of the elements — but… we now lack a tent.

Because we’re in the middle of ‘the worst storm this year’.

We had a tent 24 hours ago. Then, about 12 hours ago, when I went to check on it,  there was no tent. There was evidence of where a tent might have once been — some pegs, some shattered rods from its exoskeleton… but not much else.

Obviously, at 4 in the morning, with driving, horizontal sleet-rain it’s fairly hard to get your bearings. So two of us ended up in the car, where I’m told it got very, very cold — and two of us slept inside, under our computer desks.

Sadly there are no photos… because I didn’t take my camera outside into the hurricane-force winds.

I currently look very dishevelled, and in the words of my cousin: ‘like some kind of 1980s sex machine’.

I’m not sure what we’re doing tonight… maybe I can just sneak into someone else’s tent and pretend I know them…

‘Alright mate! Yeah! Sorry, I’m a bit drunk… great game we had earlier eh? You totally owned those noobs. Anyway, we should get some sleep, yeah.’