Untitled

Caption contest!

* * *

You can visit either Abi’s or Seb’s Flickr stream to see what other captions people have come up with!

My friends are going to kill me for this one. They’re going to hunt me down and kill me. They’re going to be justified in doing so, too…

I think we’ve all scrubbed this particular incident from our collective memories. In fact, if you’re not quite ready for a truly awesome mental image, you might just want to visit Lilu’s blog for other, less-disgusting but still too-much-information stories.

Looking back, I think we always tried to justify it as ‘one of crazy things you do, and never, on pain of death, never, ever talk about again.’ Like when you’re out partying and you get too drunk… and you do something you regret… like screwing a heifer (not that I’ve ever done that before oh no) — only in this case we weren’t drunk. Not even a little. Sober, completely, utterly, intravenous black-as-a-starless-night coffee sober.

We slithered and squeaked and shoved each other across the sticky-wet plastic with nary a trace microgram of alcohol in our blood.

Peter once tried to bring it up with an innocent grin, a misty-eyed glimmer of mischievous recollection playing across his visage: ‘hey guys remember that time…’ And then he saw our faces. We were all staring at him, anger and pain oozing from our sorrowful, regretful eyes. He soon shut up. No one has mentioned it since.

Until now.

Enough time has passed. Geographical and emotional distance has squeezed its way between us. We’re no longer close. Maybe this story will be enough to bring us back together — maybe  it’ll remind my friends of the good times we used to have together; maybe they’ll just descend upon my house to lynch me…

It all happened on my 14th birthday…

It was raining. Heavy, but not unkind, horizontal rain. It was May and warm.

My birthday parties were always quite special, y’see. I always went one step further to make sure they were memorable or different from everyone else’s. A little gold nugget in everyone’s party bag, half-pounder burgers at McDonalds with a whole fleet of Ronalds to entertain us, entire ice-skating rinks rented out — special — and this time… this time I had rented a bouncy castle!

From my vantage point here in the present, 11 years later, it looks so innocent, so pure, so damn fun. How wrong I was…

Bounce. Bounce. Bounce.

It was all going so well. We had played musical chairs. We had eaten our jelly and ice cream. And now we were bouncing.

The rain was getting harder. We were getting wetter. Pitter-patter on the plastic and our skins, both quickly slick, slippery.

Can you tell where this is going yet..?

Gentle, friendly shoves gradually moved towards aggressive trips and flips. We climbed the squidgy, pliable walls and performed Moonsaults and Flying clotheslines.

I think before anyone had quite realised what was going on, we were wrestling and writhing there on the plastic. Grappling. Tugging. Flipping.

Then… for some reason… I took my clothes off. It just felt like the right thing to do. I was young, wild, fancy-free.

And then everyone else took their clothes off.

And… that’s the end of the story.

Is it a bit sad that my favourite bit of this photo is actually my hand at the top? It almost perfectly mimics Michelangelo’s David. Michelangelo wanted his David to exemplify the human form — he wanted his David to be perfect. Now, I won’t go as far as to draw all of those associations to my good self… but apparently I have quite nice legs. A few girls have said so now, over the years, including a few dancers! They can’t all be wrong.

This photo was meant to have me frolicking in our proper formal garden, the one with all the fancy hedging — it was meant to be full-frontal nudity, but blurred, with me in the distance, obviously having a lot of fun.

But it was frickin’ cold out and my original idea required a lot of set-up. Oh, it was raining too (you can see a few drops of rain stopped mid-descent if you look closely). So yeah, I stripped off, grabbed my mother’s Crocs (yes, they’re not mine!) and did a quickie. A quickie photo.

[More disgusting (but probably not as naked) too-much-information can be found over on Lilu's blog.]

I thought I’d spend a little time discussing the marvels of sexual fetishes and fantasies in east Asia. The region is special because of the time it spent disconnected from the Christian religion of the west and mid-east — Japan and south-east Asia never ‘enjoyed’ the medieval sex-is-bad-and-depraved Dark Ages. As a result, those Japanese (and the Thai, and any other Buddhist/Shinto countries in the region) have some really different ideas of what’s normal, and what’s sexually amoral.

For a start, the penis is good. Just like in Rome or Greece or anywhere pre-Christianity, the penis is a sign of fertility! Of strength and power! That never really went away in the East (check out the Japanese Fertility Festival for evidence!)

But, as you know, depravity feeds depravity. It’s a slippery slope, which is probably why the Bible/Testament-based faiths are so strict — those old prophet dudes knew that if you didn’t nip it in the bud, shit went south real darn quick. It might start with sodomizing your neighbour, but before you know it, you’re rubbing your ass in old oven fat and screaming ‘BANZAAAI!’ at the top of your lungs.

So, anyway, to both educate and disgust, I’ve compiled a list of the weirder fetishes and practices to come out of the East. For more TMI (because you can be sure that the next bit is going to be really gratuitous), check out Lilu’s blog.

From here on out, the links might not be safe for work. I’m not going to link you to porn, but there are descriptive diagrams… Also, that image above is a boy. Well, kind of… a ladyboy… she was once a boy.

Bukkake / pronunciation: boo-kah-kee

Ah, the poster-boy (or girl) of disgusting eastern culture! This is perhaps the most ‘popular’ of weird sex acts — not to say it’s a common practice, but it’s been the staple of western porn for quite a few years now, so it’s quite ‘well known’.

Bukkake, from the Japanese ‘bukkakeru’ meaning ‘to splash’, if you didn’t already know, is when multiple males shoot their (often voluminous) load on the face of some poor, (un?)suspecting victim.

It actually came about due to the ban on distribution of obscene materials in 1907 — you can’t show the genitals, but you can show everything else… thus… bukkake! What a great work-around…

Omarashi / pronunciation: om-ah-ras-ee

This one’s pretty weird. Literally ‘leaking’, omarashi is all about… wetting yourself. Or, more accurately, about girls with bladders that are full-to-bursting. Mostly this isn’t a hardcore thing — it’s deriving (sexual) pleasure from watching someone that really needs to pee. They can be fully dressed, or naked, it’s not really important.

There are also Japanese game shows which involve heroic tests of bladder strength…

Hentai

Ah, my personal favourite! (Well, some of it.)

You’ve probably heard of Manga, or anime — the ‘Japanese style’ of comics and animation, but you might not have heard of hentai. Actually, if you’re an Internet nerd, you’ve probably heard of it… or even seen it (and as you know, hentai is one of those things that can not be unseen).

Hentai, other than graphic depicting sex (obviously), is infamous for two reasons: it often involves protagonists that look very young (both male and female), and tentacles — big, gribbly, dribbly tentacles. You might know the term ‘tentacle rape’ — that comes from hentai.

If you’ve never seen hentai, it’s definitely an eye-opening experience, if only to appreciate the sound effects made by the voice actors… (seemingly, it’s quite hard to accurately produce penetrative tentacle noises in the foley studio).

A brief nod in the direction of Lolicon and Shotacon should also be mentioned at this stage (you should only really read those if you’re of a hardened disposition though…)

The Ladyboys of Bangkok

I had to end with the most exciting prospect of a trip to Asia: a run-in with the kathoey ladyboys of Thailand. They’re actually quite common all over south-east Asia, but mostly in Thailand and the Philippines. I have no idea why, but I find it better to not question such things. (It’s probably due to Buddhism and its different way of thinking about such things.)

They range from transsexuals to intersexuals, to cross-dressing and merely effeminate males. And they’re not just prostitutes, escorts or courtesans, that’s the weird/cool thing — they basically fill the entire role of… being female. They work in beauty salons and serve in restaurants. They dance in clubs, they model, they become pop acts… basically, all the ‘eww, weird’ stigma that we have in the West doesn’t exist over there.

Good day! This week I’m trying something a little different. As one of the most regular and long-term participants in Lilu’s Too Much Information Thursday, I sometimes get the urge to spice things up. We only have so many gross stories to tell about ourselves after all!

This week I’ve hacked Formspring.me into showing its questions and answers in the box below. If you can’t see them in your RSS reader, you need to visit my blog. As people ask questions, and I answer them, you’ll see the results in real-time! You shouldn’t need to refresh the webpage. How’s that for high-tech?! (But you might have to hit F5 occasionally… these quick hacks are prone to bugs… — and if it NEVER updates, just go to my pretty pink Formspring page.)

Feel free to ask me absolutely anything. I strongly suggest you ask your questions anonymously, but it’s up to you. I have a day off today, so I’ll answer questions until my fingers fall off — but don’t expect essay-length answers. If you phrase your question so that a short answer works, I’ll love you even more… and might even do it again!

(It looks like you have to click the question title to see the full answer in some cases.)

The Uncomfortable Bedfellow & Footsie

Abi: Those of you who followed my 365 project will be no stranger to the “bed shot“. I basically took a bunch of photos like this, on my bed. Ludicrous narcissist I hear you cry? Actually no, the bed shots were an exercise in lighting, form and also self esteem. It was my aim to always improve upon the last picture in some way, in the hope that I would eventually be totally comfortable with myself. Perhaps 100% body confidence is a little way off for every woman (except Beyonce) and certainly I am not quite at my destination yet, but I chose this to be a part of my 52weeks project to show that practice can lead to improvement in all areas.

It is very easy to look at an image and assume the person depicted is comfortable with themselves, it is possible to make rash judgements about their motives. Every image is a mini struggle for me, particularly shots like this, but at the same time it is one tiny step nearer to feeling OK.

* * *

Seb: Frickin’ beds. They’re all too small for me. Seriously: five-star hotel, you’d think they would have LONG beds… but no. True, the duvet felt like it was made from the skins of super-soft puppies, and the mattress itself was divine… but it’s hard to enjoy it when your feet hang off the end.

While I’m at it, most of this damn world is made for short people. Do you have any idea how hard it is to prepare food on a work surface that’s 6 inches too short? The kind of lower back pain that induces? Or how about shower heads that just don’t GO UP ENOUGH? Really, really clean nipples, but to wash my head I have to do the frickin’ limbo.

Then there’s cars… theatre seats (I simply don’t fit in old theatres)… girls — even girls aren’t made for men my size. Sucks to be me.

* * *

Click either (or both) photos to find out what people think of our collective BED SHOTS.

This week sees the continuation of my ‘Things you’ve always wanted to know about men but were too afraid to ask’ series of videos. I’m still trying to come up with a shorter and punchier title — if anyone can come up with anything, let me know; I’ll credit you!

After unearthing the true reason behind why men pick their nose, I now turn my attention to a wholly more juicy subject — showering. More specifically, why some men take a really long time in the shower. Now, you can probably all guess, now that I’ve brought it up, but watch the video and hear it right from the horse’s mouth. I might even surprise you with some of the things that men get up to in the shower — and of course, for the sake of journalistic integrity, I actually recorded the video while standing in the shower.

I know, now that I’ve taken my clothes off — for Lilu’s TMI Thursday, no less — you think I’ve gone and jumped the shark — but not so! Just you wait; there’s a lot more weird stuff that men get up to.

Incidentally, the video was entirely unscripted, and all in one take. I dropped my towel, got into the shower and… this is what came out. I have no idea why I started singing, or where the penis-play ‘outro’ came from. I must be a little crazy in the head.