(Click for larger)

I was thinking of ways to use my new camera lens and remote control and somehow work in an element of too-much-information. I hope I’ve succeeded; I hope this hits the spot.

Just be grateful I didn’t take a photo of the floor in my bedroom…

As always, more TMI stories can be found over on Lilu’s blog.

(Click for larger — you’re going to want larger…)

The second of my multimedia TMIs. Actually, it’s my third if you include the frozen-peas-down-boxer-shorts (though that might be pushing towards ‘dude… enough now, really.’)

As with last week, take it with a pinch of salt. But not too much salt… er, um… cough.

I believe there are other pictorial TMIs over on Lilu’s blog this week too, so be sure to check them out!

(Click for larger… if you you like detail…)

She’s quite pale, but you’ll have to trust me: she’s Japanese.

I have used the mug for other things too. But I’ll leave the specifics to your imagination as I don’t think the world is quite ready to look in to the receptacle. That would be disastrous for my reputation… and your psyche…

As always, more ‘too much information’ is over on Lilu’s blog this Thursday.

Click the image to zoom in

The pink cast comes from both the room and the stripes on the bowling pin. But it makes me look blushed… which kind of suits the photo!

I almost used the image on its own without any kind of accompanying text. It’s fantastically ambiguous.

The bowling pin is something I inherited from a friend at university. He quit his job at the bowling alley after just a few weeks, and on the way out he grabbed an armful of pins and ran for it. They are surprisingly big, and very heavy. The tapered bit that you see in the photo is really easy to wrap your hand around. And then you can… heft it. Swing it around. Like a cave man.

…

I’m off to a LAN party tonight. I think there will be some photos of geeks ‘in situ’, greasy and slumped over their computers. I’m actually going to try and make geeks look cool — that’s the purpose of this LAN party. Pretty hard I admit, but if someone’s going to do it… it should be me. If I fail, you simply won’t see much on the blog until Monday!

(Click for larger… though I can’t imagine why you would want to…)

With this photo I feel like I have jumped the shark.

I guess this might just be the pinnacle of my blogging and self-portraiting career. Everything else I produce, until they day I die, will always be compared to ‘that time Seb flashed his pink boxers and stuck his cock in a doughnut’.

But I’m OK with that. It gives me something to aim towards (other than the center of the doughnut). I will endeavour to top this image in the future! And not simply by wearing skimpier underwear or utilising fancier-looking donuts!

As always, more too-much-information (if you can handle any more, after this…) can be found over on Lilu’s blog.

Is it a bit sad that my favourite bit of this photo is actually my hand at the top? It almost perfectly mimics Michelangelo’s David. Michelangelo wanted his David to exemplify the human form — he wanted his David to be perfect. Now, I won’t go as far as to draw all of those associations to my good self… but apparently I have quite nice legs. A few girls have said so now, over the years, including a few dancers! They can’t all be wrong.

This photo was meant to have me frolicking in our proper formal garden, the one with all the fancy hedging — it was meant to be full-frontal nudity, but blurred, with me in the distance, obviously having a lot of fun.

But it was frickin’ cold out and my original idea required a lot of set-up. Oh, it was raining too (you can see a few drops of rain stopped mid-descent if you look closely). So yeah, I stripped off, grabbed my mother’s Crocs (yes, they’re not mine!) and did a quickie. A quickie photo.

[More disgusting (but probably not as naked) too-much-information can be found over on Lilu's blog.]

(Click for larger… and more dribbly…)

Soooo…

Yeah. This one didn’t quite work out the way I had intended. Originally it was simply going to be called ‘Oops’. But it doesn’t look enough like POO! Damn it. I guess it could be liquid poo, but that doesn’t tend to be quite so dark brown… does it? At least I don’t think so…

In the process of making this blog entry, I actually researched shit, faeces, stool, scatological wunderkind — sometimes being a writer is one of the best jobs ever… and sometimes it is not. Did you know that there’s a ’stool scale’? That there are seven (7) ranks of crap consistency in medical science? No? It was actually invented nearby at the University of Bristol and it’s called… the Bristol Stool Scale. What you see here, all over my feet, is something like a 6.5 — pushing towards diarrhoea, or at least a shit that would usually be delivered unto the porcelain goddess with some urgency.

You learn something new every day.

I only got one attempt at this photo for obvious reasons… so when I had a look at them on my computer, I was a little disappointed. But hey, even if it doesn’t really look like poop, it’s still a great photo. Next time I’ll definitely use something a little more… lumpy. If there is a next time.

[More issues regarding leaky and unfortunate dribbles of bodily fluids can no doubt be found over on Lilu's blog this Thursday.]

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Ho ho ho!

…

Everyone else seemed to be doing Christmas cards so I thought I’d jump on the bandwagon. It being Thursday, the last sensible blogging day before Christmas, I tried to be festive and fold in the too-much-information thing. [Obligatory link to Lilu, The Queen of TMI's blog]. Did I succeed? You can hardly tell the cat’s been composited in, right? I tell you, I’m never doing cat photography again. I thought it was meant to be easy! Damnit, I’m a bona fide PEOPLE PHOTOGRAPHER now! She kept scarpering ‘neath the tree with her tail ‘tween her legs. No amount of coaxing would get her to play ball: she just wouldn’t eat the fucking tuna. So yeah, the cat was there in spirit, but I did cheat a little; sorry. (That really is tuna in the bowl, incidentally — I do have some integrity.)

So, Merry Christmas to you all, or a happy and festive winter holiday if you don’t do Christmas. I’m not meant to do Christmas, being a Jew and all, but… well… it’s very close to Hanukkah (which was last week) — what’s a few days going to matter? It’s not like our calendar is anywhere near accurate after 2000 years anyway. It’s just religious scripture mumbo jumbo; where’s the spirituality in fixed dates? I think we humans just like organised, predictable holidays… makes our life more tangible, secure, safe.

I think I can squeeze in a few posts next week, before the New Year. They’ll probably take the usual, banal ‘review’ format — I might, if I have one of those rare, sentimental moments, even ask you about how your year has been.

Have a lovely few days anyway. Eat too much! Don’t drink too much! Relax — properly, deeply, wholly — and enjoy the holiday. You’ve earnt it (probably).

P.S. My mother also wishes you a Merry Christmas! She bubbled most effusively at the idea of her festively-dressed living room being on my blog. It does look rather nice!

(You can click either to get a larger, zoomed-in view… if you really want that…)

First, I just wanted to clear up some issues. Yesterday, when I ‘leaked’ (sorry) the first picture on Twitter, I had a lot of responses questioning the colour (and consistency?) of my urine. No, I do not have anything wrong with my kidneys. I’m not taking any vitamin supplements. I did not drink a lot of orange juice. That’s just the natural, slightly-radioactive hue of my urine. Sorry. That’s just how it is.  [And if you want more too-much-information, hit up Lilu's blog. Can girls write with yellow snow as well as boys...?]

Would it make it any better if I said my entire family were out and about enjoying the snow on our estate today, as I defaced our lawn? I think my sister’s off to the left somewhere, making a snowman. Also, after I had done up my fly, we made snow angels. My mother’s up the drive, shaking snow from the trees. I think my dad was off in the other field making a ramp to practice his snowboarding.

Anyway, it’s still snowing here in the UK. It’s really, really crazy. It’s easily the most snow I’ve ever seen — apparently it’s the most we’ve had in 50 years! The first half of it fell during the Christmas holiday, but this latest batch has effectively shut down the country. Really, really crazy.

(Click for larger… you know you want to!)

Have I done enough to secure my spot in hell? Surely I must be getting pretty close… [More hell-seekers can be found over on Lilu's blog!]

This photo’s for everyone out there that’s been caught without toilet paper either at home or in a public bathroom.

For everyone that’s tried in vain to find a scrap of paper in your pocket or handbag that can be shoehorned into anal submission.

For those of you that have done the ‘John Wayne Walk’ across the bathroom to get the toilet paper that has either a) rolled away from you or b) been left in the wrong place by someone else (WHY??)

But most of all, this photo is dedicated to those of you that have BEEN THERE. Those of you that have exhausted all available options. To those that have actually used your hand to scrape warm and squidgy-brown shit from between your legs.

[By the way, my mother took this photo. Yes, ours is a special relationship. Freud would have a field day.]