I’m going to tell you a little story about a cheerleader, as a build-up to a ‘my first kiss’ entry, which I have to post before the end of January, for my lovely fellow bloggers over at 20sb.

I’m actually stalling for time, because I actually need to contact the girl that I first kissed, but she’s not responding to my telephone calls. Maybe the kiss was that bad…

Anyway, the cheerleader (who incidentally looked a bit like Hayden Panettiere). I’m going to step on some toes here, so I won’t be using real names, and I’m going to be fairly obscure with dates, just so I’m fairly safe from some people reaching false conclusions. I am not a manwhore, despite what you might have been told, and I don’t like kissing and telling the story… but I think this one is fairly safe.

It was some time in early Summer, and I was still at university. I’d been dumped by my first girlfriend a few months earlier, and had my second girlfriend (well, the second girl that I’d been intimate with) had just dumped me — for another girl. So it’s safe to say I was fairly sore at the time, considering I’d managed to make it to 18 years of age without a girlfriend, and then chewed up and spat out by two girls in close succession.

My self-asteem has never been the greatest. Being confident about my abilities is only a recent thing, and I’m still pretty nervous around girls that I fancy (’like‘ for you Americans). There’s something about being bullied that just destroys all of your own self-worth, you know?

It was a bit of a cruel joke, then, to be dumped by my first girlfriend for a guy twice her age. And then an out-of-nowhere dumpage from my second girlfriend, because she decided she liked girls more than boys.

Being a resillient personality, I didn’t take it too personally. Girls still seemed to be taking an interest in me. I still had the gift of the gab; I could still make girls break down into tears of laughter. The problem was, and still is, that I can’t tell if a girl likes me. You know, in that way. I can’t make myself believe that she’s interested in me more than friendship, or she just likes a good laugh. The whole concept that a girl wants to… er… bond with me is just foreign to me. Damn that bruised self-asteem. Damn those bullies.

If only more girls would be like the cheerleader, from the Deep South. After a long internet courtship (I knew I’d be visiting that part of America in a few months), we finally met up in a large house, somewhere near the Appalachians. There were other people present, so for a while we just had to make do with drawn-out glances at each other. A slight licking of the lips. Dilating pupils. It was painfully obvious that the moment we were left alone our carnal desires were going to explode.

Later that night, after everyone else had gone to bed, she snuck into my room and… well, it was wild. Really, really wild. To this day, I put it down to the fact that she was a cheerleader. She had muscles I hadn’t heard of,  in places I’d never seen, let alone felt. I guess it’s expecting too much for every girl I meet, that likes me, to be like that. It’d be nice, though.

For a few days this continued, and I saw and experienced the heart of the Deep South. Trailer parks, hillbillies, and more churches than I thought possible. Some of those towns have 10 churches! For a population of just a few thousand! I had inane conversations with people — people that didn’t care what I said, just as long as I continued to talk. Conversations that made you wonder if lobotomies were performed at birth, instead of circumcision.

All the while, I had this cute, blonde cheerleader by my side. She was intelligent too — this was obviously recompense for the bad times I’d had before. Blissful recompense.

On my last day there, waking up, and stepping out onto the porch that surrounded most of the house, there was a beautiful cobalt-blue lake below me. The sun was just starting to rise over the mountains, and a jet-skiier was speeding across the clear, crystalline water.

A few moments later I felt a gentle tugging back towards the bedroom; I looked down and saw her arms around my waist.

That was one of my most spectacular and memorable holiday romances.

You might’ve gathered from my last few entries that love and lust have been just a tad on my mind recently.

Why? Well, it’s been 14 months now since I last had a girlfriend. That’s 14 full moons, 400 showers and 5 seasons. Very close to five hundred, twenty five thousand, six hundred minutes (I’m a dork, sue me). I’m not one to linger on such thoughts, not for longer than a few minutes anyway, but my thoughts do tend to wander back to my ex-girlfriends when I’m in bed. You know, analysing the usual ‘What if?’ scenarios (not only girls do that!)

I was thinking, amongst other things, if I still had a girlfriend now, would I struggle with the current economic climate on Valentine’s Day? Should I let my diminishing income effect how I show my love for someone? Of course not! You can’t scrimp and save when it comes to love and… um… lust.

Now, I’m not saying that the amount you spend is directly proportional to your love for that special someone — God no. I’m sure your little flufflepie doesn’t want you to go broke at their expense. But, really, when it gets right down to it, money is only really effective at one thing: improving the life condition of other people. Buying yourself a new iPod is nice, but buying a new iPod for someone that’s never had on before — that’s a whole lot better.

I’m one of those people that refuse to buy shitty gifts. If I have to choose between buying someone a crappy chocolate selection, or not giving them anything at all… I’d rather just give them nothing at all. I’ll smile and shrug apologetically; ‘Sorry, I could find nothing that I thought you would like’ I’ll say. Why buy a collection of soaps that they’ll never use?

Gifts, and giving are all about showing you care. It’s about showing that you were thinking of someone in particular. Caring is about knowing someone’s needs and wants, and trying best to accomodate, or cater for those specific requirements.

Luckily, most people rank ‘passionate love/lust-fueled sex’ fairly high on their list, so being a loving, caring partner on Valentine’s Day is pretty easy. Luckily, girls like pretty flowers. I imagine women have a harder time finding things for their boyfriends, but I’m sure if you’ve really run out of ideas, setting some kind of romantic trap for when he comes home is more than enough. If you’re spread eagled and resplendent in sexy lingerie, poised sexily on the dining room table, or the 4-poster bed, that’s probably enough to please us men. We’re incredibly simple creatures at times; it’s a blessing and a curse, right, women?

What if you want to do something a little bit more… romantic? Flowers are nice, but a bit repetitive. Surely some couples see Valentine’s Day as ‘yet another night of trying to spruce up our sex life’. What options are then available to you? How about tickets to see a show on Broadway or the West End, and then quickly nipping back to one of these fine pay-by-the-hour hotels, while you both still have some hot passion coursing through you?

That’s right, our lovely daily newspaper The Guardian has collected quite a number of… lusty… hotels for those of you that want to mix it up a little — but on a budget. Why pay for an entire night at a hotel, when you can only really go at it for a few hours, before things start to chafe? Or perhaps you’re only good for just an hour or less…? (You have my condolences, if this is the case). Anyway, this list contains hotels all over the world (the Guardian are thoughtful like that — you never know when you might be stuck in Japan with an erection that needs immediate attention, after all), but my favourite has to be ‘La França’ in Spain (why is it called La França…? Anyone speak Spanish?) which although it doesn’t have an hourly rate, it’s incredibly cheap and… it has curtained parking bays! Yes, that’s right, you can draw a curtain around your car, so no one can see that you’re parked there. How’s that for discretion?

So now that I have a foolproof plan for Valentine’s Day that promises to be lovely, romantic and passionate… I just need a girl to spend it with. Hmm.

The first hint you had was that I was watching TV shows and reviewing them, instead of going out to wine and dine some beautiful lady. The second is that I’m actually writing this, instead of in bed, trying to execute a sexual position that requires far more upper-body strength than I possess.

Now, I’m not some kind of militaristic single; I’d love to be celebrating today with a girlfriend, I just don’t have one.

My sister’s with her boyfriend (thankfully they won’t be keeping me up tonight — ugh), and my parents are out having a lovely day together. That leaves me here at home, all alone. But it’s OK! I’ve found 5 things that I can do, while home alone, sighing wistfully for a cute woman to come and whisk me off my feet:

(This might read as ‘5 ways to pamper yourself’ as written by a girl… but men like comfy pleasures too!)

1. Cook yourself something nice. Spend time preparing the food. Prepare it just how you like it. You don’t have to cater to someone else’s tastes, so you can really spoil your taste buds. It’s also rather relaxing to take your time cooking, I find! (If you don’t know what to cook, find a nice recipe online… and give it a go!)
2. Wear something comfortable. Yeah… I’m straight, really! But again, when you’re alone, there’s no need to dress up; so dress down! Put on those comfy jeans that you hope your girlfriend/boyfriend never see you in. The ones that make you look like a heffer. Put on that big wooly jumper that you can cuddle into, the one that makes you look like you have something to hide.
3. Put on some feel-good music. I know this sounds awfully girly, but there’s no reason for girls to be the only ones that enjoy sappy, feel-good music. Right now I’m listening to The Bacharach & David Songbook, 22 of their greatest hits sung by Dionne Warwick (just look at the number of hit singles this guy has written!)
4. Read a book, or watch a magical film. Books and films both have one thing in common — they take you to different places. It’s quite easy for a good book or film to transport you to another world, perhaps a more pleasant place to be until Valentine’s Day is over. I’m not saying it has to be something entirely sappy and romantic — that might be entirely the wrong thing! How about Big Fish, or Amelie? (OK, that’s a bit sappy, but it’s so magical!)
5. Run a hot bath. Okay, I know I’m definitely treading on girl territory here. But why can’t men also enjoy a hot, steamy bath? With bubbles? There’s a huge disparity in this world… why do men hardly pamper themselves? I quite enjoy it when I set little candles around my bath, turn the light out and slip slowly into a hot bubble bath. I’m trying to think of what is customarily the ‘male’ alternative to this is — ‘drink some beers with the lads’ doesn’t seem to quite fit the bill.

That’s probably enough for you to get started with this evening (if you’re in the USA). If you’re in the UK, or out to the East, I guess you’ll just have to try it next year… or the next time you’re home alone!

While we’re on the topic of Valentine’s Day (and this will be the last Valentine’s Day-inspired post, I promise you), I was thinking about ex-girlfriends, as one does, and I remembered a photo I had taken and dedicated to a girlfriend. I haven’t actually done it again since, but I think if I were to get another girlfriend, I would dedicate a lot more photos to her. It’s a starburst lily, if anyone’s wondering!

After last week’s entry on ‘how to get, and keep, a geeky guy‘, an important question popped up in a comment: Why would I want a geek?!

Now, being a thoroughbred geek myself, I figured it was in my own best interest to tell you why you should get yourself a brand new and shiny geek boyfriend. Of course, I can’t marry more than one girl at a time (unless I move to Utah and become a Mormon), so what I’m really doing here is bigging up ALL of my geeky brethren and sistren (which is phrase used almost exclusively by feminist writers, incidentally — and now me).

This post, unlike the previous one, is about geeks of ALL varieties — boys and girls, computery or otherwise. If you’re not sure what a geek is (or a dork, or — ew — a nerd), I define them in another post. In essence though, a geek is someone that is more interested in the world than themselves.

With that out of the way, this is why geeks make the best boyfriends, girlfriends and — believe it or not — lovers too. It’s a bitter pill to swallow. It goes against everything that your ‘cool’ friends and the media has told you, but it’s true. Read on, and I’ll prove it.

Why geeks make great partners

I will start with the one trait above all others that makes geeks great partners: they are more interested in you than themself. Geeks are inherently less interested in their own wellbeing (normally so much so that they forget to eat, or shower), and far more interested in other things — like pleasing you, or making a realistic lightsaber. While a macho man, or a socialite woman might be more interested in how you affect their appearance, a geek is just happy to have a partner. They don’t care how you look, or even how you look together — they are happy just being together.

A hugely beneficial side-effect of course is that they are also unlikely to ‘go out on the pull’. In fact, they don’t even like leaving their house (or wherever they hang out when they are ‘geeking’). Geeks don’t tend to like large, noisy, social gatheringss… except for conventions of course! Talking of conventions, you’re happy to twist your hair into two Danish pastries and doll yourself up to look like Princess Leia, right? Rachel did it for Ross (who is every geek’s hero…) In general though, a geek is happy with what they’ve got — and they’ve got you.

We’re creative, and funny too!

Being interested in how things work, and less interested in people, puts geeks in a unique position. Geeks are often not entirely clued up on what’s socially acceptable, by virtue of not being very ‘out there’, and as a result our humour can be… a little off-beat. Sarcastic sometimes, and scathing, or even a little racist — but funny! It’s not unusual for a geek to listen to Billy Connolly, Bill Hicks or other angry comedians while they work; comedy that nodoubt rubs off on them. It’s this ‘outside the box’ mentality that makes us creative too! It’s not unheard of for a geek to spend days and days to get something just so — and that something might be a romantic surprise for you; or it could be a pulley system that feeds the cat from his computer chair. Geeks are most likely to create a special, romantic photo screensaver for you, or track down a stuffed toy from your favourite cartoon as a child. Geeks rarely take the easy way out if there’s an interesting solution to the task.

Geeks are romantic

Romance is all about being creative and creating a lovely relationship. The moment that you stop creating that relationship, it tumbles away — and a geek knows that all too well! A geek is probably quite aware that you’re not with them for their good looks, or their firm body. As a result, they tend to be very romantic, and very, very sappy. Now, our idea of romance might be different from yours, but that’s not a bad thing! A geek might make you a pretty, pink website declaring to the world their undying love for you; is that really worse than a bunch of flowers that’ll die in a few days? You can always expect weird and wacky tokens of affection from a geek lover.

We might still buy you chocolates however; but that’s OK, you don’t mind sharing, right?

Geeks are intelligent!

If you’re one of the few people that find intelligence unattractive, what’re you doing reading this blog? Shoo! Most people admire, and find security in intelligence. As I just mentioned, keeping things fresh is vital for a relationship, and intelligence can help a lot with that! An intelligent partner can broaden your horizons; a geek can introduce you to ideas, TV shows or places that you’ve never seen or heard of.

Geeks are also great at helping you sort out problems, either mental or physical. Being not wholly ‘of this world’, geeks can often apply quite objective logic to a problem that you might be struggling to analyse rationally. Geeks are also good at sorting out your technical problems! In fact, fixing a girl’s computer is by far the most common (and best!)  ‘intro’ that a geek guy has to meeting a possible girlfriend. The number of computers I fixed at university…

Don’t forget,  geeks are the reason cures for diseases have been found, and the reason you have a television to watch; and video games to play! Slowly but surely, geeks are inventing a world that enables everyone to have more fun, or to live a better standard of living! Eventually, the world will be at a stage where we can emerge from the safety of our bedroom cocoons, spread our wings and become fluttering, social butterflies. The kings of a world we’ve crafted.

But until then… let me tell you more good things about geeks!

We’re loyal and low-maintenance

As I touched on in the previous article, geeks are shockingly easy to get along with. We don’t require hand-holding, nor acts of affection to bolster our egos. We will always take your love at face value! To be honest, we are too busy trying to hack some kind of program together, and finish our costume for the Super Hero Convention to worry about if you really love us or not. It’s that same kind of plain, easy-going self-assurance that makes us incredibly loyal. We know we’re onto a good thing, so why ruin it? It’s not like we go out a lot anyway, so we’re unlikely to bump into possible competition… so don’t worry! Focus on making your relationship fun and love-filled — don’t spend time worrying about our fidelity or love for you!

Now what you’ve all been waiting for — why geeks make the best lovers

Except for possibly Casanova, you probably won’t find a better lover than a geek. We’re affectionate, responsive and creative. Remember what I said earlier? Geeks are intelligent and inquisitive; we like poking around until we work out what makes something tick. Then, we like to fiddle around and work out how we can make it tick louder and faster. Later, after the prodding, we sit and cogitate; we analyse. How can we make things even better? How can we keep it ticking healthily for years to come? Maybe if I do it like this? Or perhaps change the angle a bit?

You probably guessed that I was giving you a euphemistic description of a geek in the sack. In fact, I just gave you a breakdown of what goes through my mind when I’m having sex. Sex is, in fact, just like taking a computer apart, wondering what each part does, and then putting it back together again in the hope that it still works — or even works a bit better!

I’m just kidding. Sex is nothing like taking a computer apart. Watching porn is a little closer, but…

Anyway, breaking down my euphemism, you get these two glorious facts about geeks, when they get it on:

• Geeks try hard. Geeks know that they are probably not some kind of Adonis/Venus in the body department. They therefore know that they have to make the most of what they’ve got; think of the stories you’ve heard about fat girls being great in bed — it’s the same thing with geeks. Unfortunately, that’s not where the similarities end — our fitness level is also not that great… but that’ll improve with more sex!
• We’re caring. We come last. Your pleasure is more important than ours. Due to our often marginal amounts of self-esteem we’re almost entirely focused on making sure you have a good time. That creative mind also gets a good work-out when we’re not having sex; we’re trying to think of new and exciting things to try in the bedroom (or elsewhere) later on! Sex with a geek is rarely boring.

Finally, if you’re happy with your geek, remember: there are lots more available!

And you can give them to your friends! Geeks are still, sadly, a relatively un-tapped resource. I expect that to change rather rapidly when awareness grows of just how awesome geeks are. But until then, if you’re happy with your geek, why not set one of your friends up with another geek? Geeks don’t go out a lot; think about it! Invite a friend around to watch a film and get your geek to do the same! Not only will your friend be happy, but the new, loved-up geek will be appreciative. You’ve just scored yourself a second geek to help you if something needs fixing!

Thinking about it, someone needs to run a geek/non-geek match-up service…

All that remains to be said is how to find a geek. I’m working on that one, but it turns out it’s quite hard to nail down the best place to find geeks… So hard in fact that all I have so far is ‘their bedroom’. I also want to do a piece on ‘how to get that geeky girl’; a relatively new and wondrful breed of girl, and swelling in numbers quickly! I need a little more experience in that department myself though, so I need to talk to some geeky girls first!

Here I stand on the precipice of a yawning chasm. I’m about to jump off the metaphorical edge and leap to my death. Will I be reborn a pariah of the geek community, or will I be forgotten like so many other dweebs that didn’t quite get it right?

Today I will address a topic that’s a little taboo. A topic that’s sat neatly just outside the periphery of popular culture. Star Trek and comics. Video games and roleplaying. The Big Bang Theory and Hackers. Geek chic is finally here — it’s cool to be a geek — but only for the boys. The geek girls are there, but they’re hiding, quietly biding their time. I’m not talking about those exhibitionist thrill-seeking cosplay geek girls that are obviously very much ‘out there’, I’m talking about the female equivalent of basement-dwelling male geeks. The female roleplayers, the non-bearded types that can speak Klingon or Quenya.

This guide would not have been possible without Heather and Eleni, both exemplar geek girls from the blogosphere. I’d also like to thank my platonic, real-life relationships with geeky girls for giving me an insight into how the female geek mind works.

Girl geeks exist, they’re multiplying, they’re becoming bolder and they have a plan.

Why geek girls are absolutely the best thing on this planet

Except for a younger Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears, geek girls are possibly the fairest of God’s children. When he wet his hands and fashioned the clay mold that would be used to create geek girls, he sat back with a content sigh and took a day off to celebrate such perfection.

I’m not talking about the freaky faux geek girls that are exhibitionists appealing to and feeding upon the weak and wimpy male geek populace. While geek girls might not be overflowing with confidence — much like their male counterparts — what they don’t have in brawn and balls they make up for with kindness. Geek girls are incredibly understanding. As I covered in my previous articles, geeks are interested instead of interesting. They are more interested in your well being than their own. It’s this basic trait which explains most geek behaviour (and one I will talk about in a future entry).

Live and let live

A geek girl, much like a geeky guy, is interested in whatever you want to share. In other words, geek girls aren’t clingy or needy. Geek girls have more important things to worry about than who you hung out with tonight, or if another girl was present. A geek girl would expect you to be interested in which game she’s playing, and which love interest she went for — the calloused, vile dwarf or the strapping, brave paladin.

Geek girls make great friends

Girls in general tend to have more of a ‘’social nature’ than boys. Couple this with their geeky tendencies and not only will a geek girl make a good girlfriend, she’ll be a good friend.

As an added bonus, if you get one of those geeky girls with real life girlfriends (as opposed to virtual ones, which they’ll have quite a few of), be prepared (and pleasantly surprised) to come home on a Friday night and find a bunch of girls in pyjamas watching old episodes of Buffy or Firefly. Or open your bedroom door and look out, if you’re not the going-out kind of geek…

Perhaps most importantly, a geek girl appreciates your foibles and rolls with it (she has issues too!) She’ll probably even learn to love your cuter oddities and gently encourage you to fix the creepy ones — like, really, stop collecting your toenail clippings and cease archiving your  Lindsay Lohan newspaper clippings.

In many relationships, the partners are completely disinterested in one another’s work or pastimes — not so with geeky relationships! — in theory, a geeky couple could probably avoid ever going out and meeting other people, or making new friends because they get everything they need from their friend and partner. In fact, that’s what a lot of geeky couples do…

Geek girls are exceptionally, um, interesting in the bedroom

If you’re a geeky guy, imagine all of the depraved things you’ve thought about doing to a girl. Dressing her up in a Japanese school-girl outfit. Princess Leia roleplay. Chewbacca roleplay. Cosplaying a 12 year old from some anime series.

Now… make sure you’re seated comfortably and your clothing is loosened… geek girls will let you do it. Of course, some might not let you penetrate them with prosthetic tentacles, candles or cucumbers (hentai…) but chances are, a geek girl is quite happy to go along with your weird, freaky fantasies because she’s fantasised about them too. The flip-side is of course (and most would say this is a good caveat) that you should be prepared to dress up as Han Solo or Jabba the Hut. And you should have a big, shiny lightsaber. With lots of battery power.

Previously mundane tasks can be steamily hot with a geek girl

Imagine organising your comics; with a girl sitting on your lap, bouncing. You could be cooking dinner, and she’ll crawl into the kitchen, grovelling before her slave driver, begging for her next meal. How about, every time she kills you in a video game, you owe her an orgasm? And vice versa. Button bashing has never been so romantic.

I’m not sure if Wii Fit calculates the calories burnt off during sex, but it’s worth a shot, right? Maybe that Wiimote controller fits… no, never mind, that’s a nasty, sacriligious thought. Don’t leave me, Princess Zelda, I didn’t mean it! Wait, it has a vibration function…

Great value for money

I almost went with ‘geek girls are cheap’ but I figured that might’ve been misinterpreted, even if it’s true. Unlike their vain, materialistic boring sisters, geek girls put an equal value on virtual and real goods. To a geek girl, a redesign of her website is more romantic than a box of chocolates. An animated e-card featuring your own awful singing voice is infinitely more sexy and loving than a bunch of flowers. Why take her out for dinner when you could stay home, order some Chinese food and serenade her with a new Guitar Hero song you’ve been practicing? Cheap AND infinitely more intimate.

A physical representation of love still goes a long way with geeky girls, but it’s certainly cheaper and more fun to please a geeky girl than a normal one. A signed first-edition Neil Gaiman book (and accompanying audio CD) will go a lot further than some jewellery… and you can read it too! She might give you odd looks if she catches you trying on her jewellery.

Finally, geek girls are really damn keen

Though shy and unassuming in real life, it’s very easy to get ‘in’ with a geek girl: rapid-fire email, seedy instant messaging or a romantic forum war — it’s all good!. She’s probably not going to walk up to you and suggest you go out for a drink somewhere — that’s just not how geeks operate — but chances are she’s incredibly eager to hook up.

Geek girls have probably spent the last few years dating the standard jocks: the sporty types, the guys that are only interested in her looks, the men that think it’s OK to date her and kiss other girls. With that avenue exhausted, geek girls are looking for geek guys. In fact, a geek girl will probably leap at the opportunity to date a geek guy — it’s a marriage made in heaven, and they know that — so they’ll probably make it really easy for you. They’ll do what every guy loves, the holy grail of boy/girl courting: they’ll make it obvious that they like you.

Thanks for reading! Perhaps, if you’re a geeky girl trying to attract a particuarly stubborn guy, send him a link to this page. If you’re a guy reading this, and you’re still single… what’re you waiting for?! Go and buy some tickets to the new Star Trek movie, equip some long, pointy plastic ears and see what happens!

This is a story about young love.

Young, embarrassing, sticky love.

Love that we thought safely hidden by the shadowy embrace of a moonless night. How wrong we were…

(An old photo of mine, taken during a blue moon)

You probably know, if you watch the news or have a friend that rejoices in telling you useless, geeky facts, there’s a very big meteor shower occurring right now: The Perseids! If you get a chance, go outside and look for them. It’ll peak at around 100 shooting stars per hour (though by the time you read this, they’ll probably have passed — so do it next year!)

(For more TMI this Thursday, hit up Lilu’s blog!)

This story takes place almost ten years ago, in August, during the Perseid meteor shower. I was 18 and drunk and dizzy with the affections of a certain girl. She was 15 and perky. And lavishing me with lingering looks and touches. It was only a matter of time before things got out of hand.

We barbecued and she laughed at my little jokes. We strolled at dusk through beautifully-lit woodland and she walked beside me, catching my eye and smiling. And when the night’s festivities were finally through and we settled down on the castle’s lawn to rest and sleep, she lay very close to me.

By most measures we had a romantic night that could only lead in one possible, carnal direction… right?

Wrong.

I failed to tell you that this was a party. We were 20 friends having the night of our lives.

I failed to tell you that she was also in a relationship. With my cousin.

But I was young and horny… and she was even younger and even hornier… and you know how I have a thing for pretty young girls…

So there we are, under a blanket, surrounded by a big group of our friends.

We’re all looking to the heavens and counting shooting stars. Occasionally someone tries the classic: ‘There! Over there!’ which of course, by the time you’ve looked, it’s gone. Minutes pass, meteors perish with a dazzle and our chatter slowly dies down as the magic becomes mundane. Sleep begins to take hold when her hands suddenly fine mine.

A firm grip and a meaningful, deliberate squeeze that speaks much more than a spoken word ever could.

My fingers trace teasing, tantalising designs on her palm and wrist.

Her body moves fractionally closer but the tiny increase in body temperature is palpable.

My fingers continue their gentle slide along the smooth underside of her arm.

Her breath warms the side of my neck and then, as my fingers lightly tickle her she shudders, her head dropping to my collar bone.

My hand moves from her shoulder and up her neck, under her ear and she bites me, she bites my neck hard.

My whimpering is only just audible but of course I look around, nervous that we’re being watched, that someone might’ve spotted us — but no, everyone seems to be asleep or looking at the meteor shower. Her bite has become a soft kiss and yet again I can feel her hot breath on my neck. She shakes — with nerves? — as my hands encircle her waist and pull her closer, my concern for eavesdroppers and voyeurs diminishing by the second.

Her body pushes closer and I can feel just how hot she is. She squirms as my fingers tease her waist and hips. With a hard kiss on the lips I smother a moan as my arm and hand and fingertips slide yet further.

Craving her flesh I hastily pull down my pants and undress her with my spare hand until she’s almost naked; bare enough that neither of us feel restricted. My fingers then find their mark and she rolls on top of me, her body convulsing, her hips grinding against mine.

This was a stupid move for an obvious reason: I’m fairly certain our foreplay had been heard already but our friends, in a moment of true Britishness, had decided to ignore it. But that wasn’t all. When I’d rolled onto my back there’d been a quiet click, a terse snap. Our small and sweaty under-blanket world was instantly illuminated in blinding white light. Someone had brought a huge torch, just in case of emergencies.

Those that were still watching the meteors turned to look. Those asleep were woken by the kerfuffle. In a truly Austin Powers moment they all saw our mid-thrust silhouette. There were screams from the girls and cheers from the boys.

To this day, I’m told that my silhouette was very generous.