… I give you, The Penis Monologues, from Scotland:

Now, please, if you’re Scottish, don’t press stop instantaneously. Hear it out. Wait for my bumbling apology at the end. Judge it on its content rather than its apallingly sprawling accents. It starts off OK, and kind of goes downhill from there.

In my defence (I always have a defence), I’ve been doing an Irish accent for quite some time now. It’s a pretty good, sturdy Irish accent. I can even do a Northern, and a Southern accent… and a leprachaun, if I’m really pushed. The problem is, Scottish is quite similar to Irish. Now I’ve angered the Irish AND the Scots. But hear me out — Scotland had a lot of Irish settlers, mainly Catholic settlers that went there in the 19th and 20th centuries. The Scottish accent, whether the Scots agree or not, does sound a bit Irish. Perhaps if you go far enough North/East, the accent is different enough to be less difficult, or down on the Southern border where everyone’s speech is COMPLETELY and utterly unintelligible. Those damn Geordie folk, breeding and intermingling with the well-spoken natives.

The inspiration behind this one was most certainly Billy Connolly, whose biography I’m reading at the moment. This comic genius had an atrocious life, which I kind of wanted to pay homage to in some kind of gritty monologue, drawing attention to the times when families of 10 would live in 2-bedroom tenement (apartment) blocks… but it just didn’t work out, with the wavering accent. So I’ll just tell you all to read the book, and find out for yourself just how dismal post-war Scotland was — especially for a Catholic child, in a city that was predominantly Protestant. I wouldn’t read it purely for a good read though — the reviews on Amazon are pretty accurate. If you really want something that’s dismal, is well-written, and makes you reflect on just how good your life is,  stick to something like Angela’s Ashes.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the monologue, even if it is a little silly. Tomorrow’s should be better. If it really left a bitter taste in your mouth, here’s a couple of Billy Connolly himself (if you can’t see the videos you’ll need to visit my blog):

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7704074501009922494

My accent isn’t THAT far off, HAH!