It was a new year’s resolution of mine to move most of my money-making income away from web design/management. The idea was (and is) to make money from my photography, or some other artistic means. Web design just doesn’t do it for me any more — I’ve been doing it for a long time now (since I was 13, or something silly), and it’s very much a repetitive process. Sure, the colours change a bit, and occasionally I get to do some original artwork, but very often designs follow the same templates, with just a few changes here and there.

This blog was part of the process of moving away from the web design. Hopefully one day this site will be big enough to sell some photos (and feel free to buy one if you see something that you like!), but in the meantime, it’s just a way for me to be creative. Writing, photographing, recording… it’s all fun for me. It doesn’t have to be perfect, and I’m not afraid of looking like a fool, so a medium like this — a blog — is ideal for putting just about ANYTHING out there.

And thus… I give you The Penis Monologues (TPM). Now, this idea might fall flat on its face, or it might not. The plan is to have a series of comic, and serious monologues about what it is to be a man. This first one, the Cowboy, is very much the comic variety. I thought of it a few hours ago, came home, and recorded it in a few minutes, without much of a script. Future attempts will likely be more refined, and scripted; I also can’t wait to try my hand at something more serious — perhaps a bit Victoria Wood, quite serious, but funny. This is obviously somewhat a copy of The Vagina Monologues, but I don’t dare claim that my recordings will be anywhere near as good; I will try to encompass the same depth and breadth of the topic though. My idea is to have a variety of men, from all around the world, of different cultural backgrounds, talking about their experiences as a man. All played by me (that’s the hard bit…)

I look forward to trying out my Pakistani accent again, it’s been a long time…

Give it a listen. It might be slightly offensive, but it only includes the word ‘penis’ 2 or 3 times. Don’t listen to it loud on some office speakers, but otherwise you should be fine.

 
(If you can’t see the player, you’ll have to visit my blog)

If you think it’s funny, let me know! If you think it’s horribly offensive and not at all comic in any way, please let me know! OR, if you’re completely enthralled and you eagerly await the next monologue before you pass judgment… say nothing at all!

… I give you, The Penis Monologues, from Scotland:

Now, please, if you’re Scottish, don’t press stop instantaneously. Hear it out. Wait for my bumbling apology at the end. Judge it on its content rather than its apallingly sprawling accents. It starts off OK, and kind of goes downhill from there.

In my defence (I always have a defence), I’ve been doing an Irish accent for quite some time now. It’s a pretty good, sturdy Irish accent. I can even do a Northern, and a Southern accent… and a leprachaun, if I’m really pushed. The problem is, Scottish is quite similar to Irish. Now I’ve angered the Irish AND the Scots. But hear me out — Scotland had a lot of Irish settlers, mainly Catholic settlers that went there in the 19th and 20th centuries. The Scottish accent, whether the Scots agree or not, does sound a bit Irish. Perhaps if you go far enough North/East, the accent is different enough to be less difficult, or down on the Southern border where everyone’s speech is COMPLETELY and utterly unintelligible. Those damn Geordie folk, breeding and intermingling with the well-spoken natives.

The inspiration behind this one was most certainly Billy Connolly, whose biography I’m reading at the moment. This comic genius had an atrocious life, which I kind of wanted to pay homage to in some kind of gritty monologue, drawing attention to the times when families of 10 would live in 2-bedroom tenement (apartment) blocks… but it just didn’t work out, with the wavering accent. So I’ll just tell you all to read the book, and find out for yourself just how dismal post-war Scotland was — especially for a Catholic child, in a city that was predominantly Protestant. I wouldn’t read it purely for a good read though — the reviews on Amazon are pretty accurate. If you really want something that’s dismal, is well-written, and makes you reflect on just how good your life is,  stick to something like Angela’s Ashes.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the monologue, even if it is a little silly. Tomorrow’s should be better. If it really left a bitter taste in your mouth, here’s a couple of Billy Connolly himself (if you can’t see the videos you’ll need to visit my blog):

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7704074501009922494

My accent isn’t THAT far off, HAH!

Without further ado, The Irish Penis Monologue:

 
(If you can’t see the player, you’ll have to visit my blog)

Anyone that knows me fairly well (in real life) will probably have realised by now that these monologues are somewhat based on people that I admire, or somehow feel connected to.

Today’s monologue, stars an Irish priest. There is really only one Irish priest that really pops into everyone’s head — Father Ted Crilly (or perhaps Dougal, if you’re that way inclined), the star of one of the finest sitcoms ever to grace our TVs, Father Ted. In a truly odd quirk of fate the star, Dermot Morgan, who plays Father Ted and who was only 46, died of a heart attack only 24 hours after they finished filming the last ever episode of the show.

The show came a rather important time, when the Catholic church was under a lot of pressure from the media. Luckily, the show definitely threw the church into a different light, with an amazing cast of bumbling, inane and really special priests. Father Ted himself was meant to represent the sane, normal priest — the character that actually kept the plot moving in some kind of direction — who was stuck with these truly demented priests, for all eternity, for a reason that is never really made clear to the viewer.

If you’ve never seen it, and you like British situation comedy, Father Ted is probably the funniest thing you could ever buy, or download. In fact, I dare you to watch an episode and tell me you didn’t laugh out loud at least a handful of times. You can a great review of it at Television Heaven, if you don’t trust someone that spends his days roleplaying cowboys and Irish priests.

I hope you liked the Irish monologue! I think it might be Pakistani tomorrow… have mercy upon me Vishnu…

For those of you that have been away over the weekend, you can find the latest Penis Monologue on this page: The Irish Priest’s Monologue.

I think there will be a total of 5 in the series — although I reserve the right to do some more (or requests…!) at any time!

Hail, comrades!

The Russian Monologue:  
(If you can’t see the player, you’ll have to visit my blog)

All of this bleak, cold and snowy thing got me thinking of my friends over in Serbia, Czech Republic and the other Eastern Bloc states. When I was in Serbia a couple of years ago, there was an unseasonable warmth, 20C in October! Then in the last 6 hours of my stay, it dropped to -5C, and the entirity of Belgrade was covered in about 6 inches of snow. My friends told me that the -5C was a far more normal temperature for them… and it often goes lower, to -10 or -15. It’s that continental cold though — no humidity, so you just wrap up warm, drink a little vodka, and everything’s OK.

So, the point I was trying to get across was that while it’s kinda snowy here, in most of the northern hemisphere it’s a lot colder. These guys have also been through an awful amount of strife in the past 100 years. Sure, we’ve had 2 world wars; but so have they. They’ve also had the rise and fall of communism, and the Cold War. Then, in recent years the NATO bombing and the disintegration of Yugoslavia into seperate states that followed was also very harrowing.

Seb: ‘Did you want to be split up?
Serbian Friend: ‘No… we still consider each country our brothers. It was very odd to have NATO come in and tell us we are now different countries.’

Slobodan Milosevic is also a bit of a national hero in Serbia — another thing that was oddly reported by the media. But the discrepancy might come from the fact that the Serbians backed his genocide… while most of us think he was a bit of a monster. If anything, it’s just proof that the reported truth should always be analysed before taken as fact.

Oh, another fun thing — in Belgrade, the capital of Serbia, the bombed governmental buildings are still there, as bombed-out wrecks. ‘Why didn’t you pull them down?’ I ask. ‘We leave them for the tourists to see,’ my guide quickly responds, with a big grin. I’m amazed they welcomed me with such open arms…

Anyway! I was inspired to do a semi-serious penis monologue in an attempt to describe the current state of the former USSR: the Commonwealth of Independent States. Life is hard, miserable and misogyny is rife. At least in Serbia, women seemed to get a little more respect — but really, it’s a bad thing when a nation has so many women that they are exported as ‘mailorder brides’, or trafficked to other countries for prostitution.

I don’t want to rant on about it for too long, so I’m just going to give you a fantastic link: A High-Heels Running Contest in St. Petersburg. The following picture says it all:

(And for any men out there, check these cheerleaders)

I haven’t got that site favourited… honest.

I’m sitting here, trying to wiggle my toes. I’m sure they are down there somewhere, I just can’t feel them.

It hasn’t been above 2 degrees in 3 days now — the snow is still there. I thought snow was meant to act as an insulator, but it’s frickin’ freezing in my room. I’m wearing a wooly jumper, 2 pairs of socks, slippers and gloves.

So, to get away from the cold, it’s now time for something completely different. Sunny, balmy, land-of-the-eternal-barbecue… Australia!

 
(If you can’t see the player, you’ll have to visit my blog)

Join Bruce the Australian Surfer & Rodeo Rider on this, the fifth and final (for now!) penis monologue.

Right now I’m in the middle of raiding, waiting for some person with a broken computer to come back online. The joy of massively-multiplayer online gaming. The constant logistical nightmare of organising a guild of 150 people. Trying to keep 20 different nationalities playing together nicely and assuage the tensions caused by different religions, national holidays and ways of life.

Oh, he’s back online. Back to the grind!

I’m sitting here, sipping my tumbler glass full of whiskey — straight, single malt of course — with my feet up on my desk. The laptop is actually in between my legs, which is a rather interesting angle to type from, but it works. If only I had a roaring log fire, the image would be complete; unfortunately I have to make-do with a blow-heater that sounds like its on its last legs, trying to heat up my own little corner of the Antarctic.

Sometimes, when I wake up, my legs are so cold that I swing out of bed and fall to the floor because my legs have decided not to do their primary function: stand. Living in a old house really does suck sometimes.

I just had a few things to say, which didn’t really warrant an entire blogging, so I thought I’d whack them in here before I go to bed. First, a lovely little story, written by my younger sister. We’re all so very proud of her; she’s come such a long way since the accident:

You know, that picture actually reminds me of another Father Ted sketch! For various reasons, Father Ted ends up writing an entry for the Eurovision Song Contest (only click it if you’re REALLY interested, but be careful… it’s a dark and slippery slope back out), only at the last moment he has to re-write the song because he’s actually stolen another song. This results in… well, check it out:

Sorry, anything to make you watch something from Father Ted.

Other than that, I just wanted to do a little ‘wrap up’ for The Penis Monologues, which you can listen to if you missed them the first time around (it’s also quite fun to hear my accent change between each!):

• #1, The Cowboy:  
• #2, The Scottish:  
• #3, The Irish Priest:  
• #4, The Russian:  
• #5, The Australian:   

(If you can’t see the audio players, you’ll have to visit my blog)

It’s been a lot of fun trying my hand at accents that I’ve never really used in conversation before — it’s amazing just how hard it is trying to make a single word sound authentic. The vowel and consonant sounds change SO MUCH between each language, it’s quite amazing. It’s been quite a thrill trying to make them appear almost real and try to give a little bit of a backdrop for each stereotype at the same time: they are almost entirely truthful, with only a  few bits stretched to make them more interesting.

I noticed that no one from any of the 4 countries (or a real life cowboy!) have commented on my accents, so I might never know if I completely butchered them. I’ll just assume I did a fairly good job of them — a man can hope, right? If you want to hear something I can do rather well — speaking proper English — go and check out some of the other podcasts.

Next up is probably some kind of… review. Either of a video game, or maybe some cameras. It’ll be in proper British-English, which is a relief to most, I think. Ah, and I’m working on some kind of ‘weekly feature’ for the blog, which probably won’t interest a lot of you, but I think it’s about time that I wrote about something with an element of authority — I’m simply sitting on a wealth of knowledge which I feel I should share!